My mind is truly gone.
It came back for a few hours but nope, now it is truly gone.
I had a dream years back. I dreamt of a golden scale. Buckets of water sat on both ends. Then I saw one bucket being poured into the other and the scale dropped to one side with a clank.
From the vision alone, I wouldn’t have known what it meant. But at that moment I was seeing it, I was also intuiting its meaning.
It symbolizes the amount of energy we are given each day. Everyday we wake up and are gifted with a respectable amount of energy that can be poured into whatever buckets we are focused on.
“But can’t we make more energy as we go along?”
“No. It’s a set amount. You can’t make more than what you are given.”
I argued with my dream. I was stubborn as I typically am when I don’t agree with something.
It doesn’t have to do so much with physical energy as it does with mental energy. Our mental energy (our focus) is limited and set. We can’t have more of it just as we can’t have more of time. As time is measurable, so is the energy we are given to focus with. Time and energy are interchangeable melodies set to the rhythm of wherever our focus lies upon.
According to the dream, we can only fill two buckets at a time. However, as long as our energy is divided, we can never master or learn anything new. We must have only one bucket filled at a time. Just one, otherwise the scale will remain motionless and unchanged.
“You and your silly dreams. Dreams are not REAL.”
Oh hey rational brain. What’s up?
“Explain to me then, what about people having two or more children? You can’t deny having to split your attention with kids. I swear Melanie, I don’t even know why I bother with you. You’re off in you own world living in a freakin…..”
Okay okay, let me cut you off right there. I understand and yes you’re right. Focus is definitely divided given the more kids you have and the more responsibilities you get. I get it.
“So are you saying life is stagnant for these folks? They can’t get good at anything? Can’t focus on anything?”
Well for the majority of them, yeah. But there’s always a choice. People just don’t have the clarity to see it. Ayahuasca told me that no matter how dire the circumstance, there is always a choice.
“This better be good or I’m going to disown you as your conscience.”
Okay…..how should I explain…..I’m figuring out the best language to describe the indescribable.
“Blah blah quit stalling. Out with it. What’s your solution wise ass?”
One bucket. Only one bucket must be filled!
“Yes one bucket. We already got that much. Are you purposely trying to piss me off?”
No I mean, if we’re only allowed one bucket, why not make it your own bucket?
“I wish I had the hands to slap you with.”
The energy your given each day gets divided into buckets that you’re focusing your attention on, right?
“If you say so. I still think you’re nuts.”
It’s your attention that’s being divided. Your attention, but not intention. There’s AT-tention and then there’s IN-tention. Focusing AT something takes away, while focusing IN gives to you.
“What the hell are you blathering about?”
It’s not about focusing your attention on something, it’s about having full awareness of what your intentions are. You can have a gazillion kids and can still get away with having only one bucket.
“You’re still being evasive and alluding the question. How? Explain to me how.”
Let’s say little Johnny scraped his knee and needs to get it patched up, while another kid screams at you wanting milk. Your attention is being pulled from you, not given. AT, not IN.
“I want to punch your face. Just be clear for once!”
The answer is to switch your energy inward onto yourself. This is done through intentions. And with intention, comes self-compassion, respect for yourself, and respect for your kids as people, not hindrances.
“Not good enough. Try again.”
Instead of focusing on bandaging your child’s knee, and pouring a glass of milk, the secret lies in why you’re doing it. Not doing something just to get it over and done with, but why? What’s your intention?
“Sum it up in one easily digestible sentiment please.”
It’s not about focusing on your kids needs, dividing your attention, getting it pulled from you, it’s about putting it all in one bucket. The “I intend to be a good Mother” bucket. It only takes one bucket and pulling from there, you’ll never run out. It’s either you do or you don’t. You either have or you don’t have. Finding your truest intentions is the answer to everything!
“For the love of god….”
Hey I saw that eye roll.
“Okay smart ass, what about juggling a full time career and kids?”
That’s unfortunately where the trouble lies. You can’t split your intention bucket without compartmentalizing. You’ll have to choose one at a time. At one point, the two worlds will collide and you’ll have to make a choice. Growth and expansion can only be found when you decide. It’s just the same if you are a divorced parent that starts dating someone new and your child feels as if you are choosing your new beau over them – worlds collide. It’s not about AT-tention, it’s about IN-tention. Children have a knack for knowing these things.
“Do you feel better after writing gibberish?”
I sure do!
Anyway, I’m writing this post because my energy is splayed out in way too many buckets. It’s energy spent on worrying. Nobody intends to worry, so worry is AT-tention, not IN-tention. And there’s several of them.
Working at Massage Envy or my one-man stink hole office, I had little to worry about.
All that has changed.
It’s like coming home from a hard day and being too tired to exercise. It’s the same for writing. I’m spent after a hard day of worrying.
I started a new RPG, Demon’s Souls. It was only $11 for the digital download on Amazon and it came highly recommended. The game is punishingly hard. It’s a vessel for me to pour all my worry buckets into with pure intentions on beating it.
Can you see why video games are so important? They’re a cheap non-toxic way to self-medicate.
My life always seemed meaningless without writing about it, but now I’m too exhausted to even care. That’s how bad things are right now.
According to my calculations, I’m bleeding out about $300 a week. I’m supposed to be making $700 a week, but I’m stuck at $400. It feels like I’m bleeding money. Not pissing because that would require me having it to spend, but bleeding. Pissing is wallet money while bleeding is personal line of credit money.
My Groupons went on sale yesterday and I already sold 127 of them. I set the cap at 300. Living Social also contacted me to set up deals with them, but I’m holding off for a bit.
I’m only counting the online deal income as they get redeemed. I make zero dollars when my employee’s massage them, so I can only count the money if I massage them myself. But if my employee’s massage them, that’s a wash for that hour and I won’t be negative the $10 I pay them while having no clients. My employee’s HAVE to massage the online deal clients. I’m only bleeding $300 a week because of paying my workers for hours when they don’t have clients.
I know it’s confusing, but this is my perspective. If my employee’s weren’t there, I’d be able to afford the business on my own but that completely defeats the purpose of starting it in the first place. I’d be sitting there right now answering phones if not for her. She has one 90-minute massage today, so I’m losing about $35 for paying her for 3.5 hours that are without clients. Not to mention the $100 I need to make which technically means I’ll be negative $135. But I have two clients later, so that will eat into some of that negative money. Not all of it though….not enough of it.
My plan was to not work anymore, but I can’t afford to pay employee’s to sit there without clients, so I have to work.
One girl I hired only works Mondays and is laying in wait for when I can afford her more hours. I can only afford her when she’s completely (or almost completely) booked up. Another girl works mornings. She’s there now answering phones. It’s ringing like a bitch from the Groupons.
Anyway, it’s stuff you don’t want to read about. I don’t have the capacity to make it sound interesting. This is what’s occupying my mind. Well, there’s that and I have a really good friend of mine that’s refusing to speak to me.
I can’t wrap my head around it. I asked if we can resolve everything over the phone, or over a cup of coffee, and because I asked that, now she won’t speak to me at all.
We have a rocky friendship. I try to fix things, to include her in things, talk to her, but she avoids me like the plague. The only time she actually did call me (in two years) was because another friend told her to.
I have friends that I haven’t spoken to in months, years even, but I know I can pick up the phone anytime and they’ll be there. There’s no grey area. I never had a friend in the grey. It’s either all or nothing. Just like with those damn buckets. If you intend to be someone’s friend, you be their friend. You either have it or you don’t. It’s not about me not getting attention, it’s about understanding what her IN-tentions are. Because as of now, I’m drawing a blank.
With Krissy and Amy, they were full on friends. They either had it or they didn’t. And they kept on having it up until the very end. Both of them couldn’t get enough of me. What I gave them wasn’t enough, so they high-tailed it out of there. But with this friend, I’m giving my true blue honest all.
There’s underlining anger and resentment that she refuses to talk to me about. And the more I press, the more she cuts me out. The more I’m treated like a monstrous plague, the more I press, the more I’m repelled, the more I inquire, the more I’m avoided, the more times I text and press and wonder what the hell is going on, the more aggravated she gets.
God I love you blog. You have the power of putting everything into perspective I swear. Life is so ridiculous that I can see the humor in almost anything. No no strike that, I can see humor in every damn near thing.
For any type of nonsensical drama – the kind that makes you feel real shitty, is the same type of drama that can make you laugh your ass off as long as you change perspective about it. Haha, it’s funny. Right?
Man I love myself too damn much….Yes I’m completely at a loss devastated. Yes it hurts incredibly! But shit yo, I love myself because I can feel so much. And because I can hurt so deeply, makes me laugh at my sorry state all the more.
This is my story – my life story online. The person I am, creates my experiences. And according to some recent musings, we only experience something if we have an emotional reaction to it. Emotions are key to life and to learning. If you shut down one emotion, the rest will be affected in the fragile ecosystem of your humanity. Your humanly flawed spirit.
My story doesn’t matter. My experiences don’t matter. The only thing that matters is who I am and who I’m becoming.
I still want to be Gatsby. To have the big house, throw extravagant parties. Invite every lonely sap over for every holiday when nobody else will have them. When they feel dark and in the void, they’ll always have a place in my home. Of course I’ll have to section off a part of the house so I’ll never have to see them, but still…..they won’t be alone.
I won’t always see them. They’ll have to fend for themselves if they come over everyday. They can all hang out with each other while I’m off doing whatever it is that I do. Video games, blogging, or sleeping most likely.
I’m equal parts social and anti-social. Leaning more towards the anti now what with all my new buckets I’m carrying.
Leave me the eff alone people…..
I should end this post. I have to leave soon to massage those two people. I still need to shower.
My initial intention was to write a quick blurb about why I haven’t been writing and the flood gates well, sorta opened. I hardly even touched on a whole lot.
2,274 words later. Hours to write, minutes to read.