No rest for the weary

On top of everything, my two best friends in the entire world are going on vacation without me.  Not only did they not ask, but they refuse to let me come.  My two best friends!  This sent me into a torrential downpour of feeling sorry for myself.  I can’t explain why they won’t let me come because I have no idea, except, well, they hate me.

Me – “What if I come for the last day?”

Friend – “It wouldn’t be worth it.”

I can’t explain the amount of hurt this gave me.  It’s one of those things you’d just have to experience for yourself.

After hearing the news, I drank myself into oblivion at a friends house until 4:30 in the morning.  It was a fire pit and there were a group of us there.  I got along with everybody and felt they all loved me and my company.

That’s the thing about taking things personally.  All it does is hurt your ego.  You feel like something is wrong with you, or your money (worth) holds no value to anyone.  But then when you step away from all that, talking to people who adore you until 4:30 in the morning, you can’t help wonder why everyone can’t all be like that.  Why there are some who make things so complicated.  If it’s not me, then what?  And why?  What did I do or didn’t do?

I haven’t visited my friend who lives in MN for two years.  That’s what I didn’t do.  She texted that to me today, while I’m here massaging people in my tiny office – a place that drives me completely insane.

It’s dark.  I’m alone with my thoughts.  I listen to the same 100 songs being played over and over again all while it’s absolutely gorgeous outside.

Them going away together and leaving me out is my fault.  Nobody is completely blameless, but at least now I know.  At least now it makes a little more sense.

When I learn what I do wrong, that’s when everything makes sense.  I’m a bad friend.  A horrible, retched friend.  The reason why I forgive others so easily is because I myself, am horrible.

But at the same time, it’s all perspective.  People gossip and spread poison, it gets in your head until that’s all you see.  You stop empathizing and start judging and blaming.  The more closed off you are, the more things you hide, the more you blame and judge and close yourself off from any form of understanding.

All done out of pride.  To preserve the ego.  To bask in the merriment of being on the winning side and not at all be labeled the crazy one.  You can’t be crazy if others see what you see.  But how can anyone be proud of that?

I have little pride, but I know I’m worth something.  We’re all worth something.

Me having little pride and just wanting everyone to get along, gnaws at people.  By accepting blame, going any length to make things right – this gnaws at people too.  I don’t let up with wanting to talk things through.  I don’t let up with my apologies that land on stone ears.  I can’t let go if I don’t understand.

The stuff that happened with Krissy and Amy – I completely understand.  I tried talking things out with Amy, but it turned out that she couldn’t get past the fact that she can’t own me.  And it’s the same with Krissy.  I texted Krissy until my fingers bled, but I got nothing.  I let her down one too many times.

If I was under ayahuasca, she’d tell me all this is meaningless.  None of it matters in the end.  All that matters is how you’ve grown from it.

How do I know if I grew?  When I stop getting hurt all the time and instead I get disappointed?

Damn I miss you blog.  You’re missing so much of my life lately – more so than usual.



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