Checkpoint

I wish life was like a computer.

If life were like a computer, you can save everything.  You can make a checkpoint during the good times so if things get shitty, you can always go back.  All you need to do is reboot the system and go back in time to your previous checkpoint.  All the accumulated garbage, mistakes, viruses that corrupted your files – everything would be wiped clean away.

K – “If you’re not open with your feelings, we can’t be friends.”

I hear that phrase a lot.  It’s always worded with; “if you can’t be (fill in the blank), than we can’t be friends.”

Me – “Why can’t everything just be okay?  Always okay?”

S – “What do you, live in a science fiction fantasy or something?”

I love science fiction.  Why’d she have to use science fiction.

Why do people give ultimatums?  I’ve never given an ultimatum to anyone, not ever.  Is this how the real world works?  Am I really living in a fantasy world?  Am I really just too damn accepting to the point of being delusional?

“I’m sorry Mom, but if you can’t be open with your feelings, you can’t be my mother anymore.”

“I’m sorry bro, but if you can’t stop being so negative, we can’t be siblings anymore.”

People don’t see the bigger picture.  All they can do is fixate on their hurt and try to control or change others.  And I’m left feeling like something’s wrong with me.  It’s always me.

Giving an ultimatum to someone is done solely for the purpose of avoiding hurt.   In this case, I hurt her by not expressing my feelings – I’m seen as cold, aloof, and uncaring.

People hate me as much as they love me.  I constantly need to keep things in balance.  Too much love will equate to too much hate in the future.  Too much hate will equate to avoidance and lowering my worth so I can no longer hurt them.  And this virus spreads to others.

While in balance, ultimatums spring up.  Either they spring up, or I’m once again living in my science fiction fantasy world of everything being honky dory.  I think everything is fine, while others harbor ill will against me.  My naivety (being oblivious) frustrates the hell out of people.

These past five days were hard.  That funeral I went to, that was hard on everyone.

I just wish I can reboot.  I want to stop messing things up with everyone.  I want to stop being so selfish and hurt all the time by others.  When I fixate on my pain, I can’t see anyone else’s.  I can’t see that these people are somehow being hurt by me.  By the things I do, things I say, or don’t say.

Having an ultimatum sprung on me, informs me that I’ve hurt someone.   Although I don’t agree with ultimatums, I do agree that they are formed from a real place.  A hurt place. I only have to listen and trust that the person is telling the truth, even though my perception (ego vision) makes it incredibly hard to do so.

I’m so jaded and cynical to the point where I don’t trust anyone to be honest.  “Me?  Hurt somebody?  You don’t care enough about me to be hurt by me.  What’s really going on here.  Why do you hate me?”

I didn’t actually say this, it’s just a far-flung example.

I can cry everyday if I allow myself that privilege.  I can feel sorry for myself for being alone in a cruel world that doesn’t’ know compassion, empathy, or honesty.  I can cry a river to float on though life.  Meandering down a narrow crevasse, digging itself deeper, chiseling the channels to a narrower perspective.

Friends and family are the most important privileges in my life – not crying a river.  They bring me lasting joy and happiness.  Happiness is only real when shared (the last words of a lonesome, dying boy).

So I’m taking the initiative to reboot.  I’m committing myself to rebooting.  I’m rewiring all the wrongs I’ve committed and making things right – so I can get my happy back.  Life’s too short to run away from something that can potentially save you from yourself.

There was a guy in high school that I dated.  Doug Coates.  Yes I’m posting his name.

I completely annihilated his heart.  I ripped it to shreds.  Just by avoiding him.  There was no honesty, no explanation, I was simply gone one day.  We didn’t go to the same school, didn’t have the same friends.  There was no Facebook, Myspace, or cell phones back in the day – there was none of that.

I’m posting his name because I want to find this guy.  He moved to RI before graduating high school.  Is that why I avoided him?  Because he was leaving?  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m detangling all my bad karma.  I want to make amends, to make things right.  I stayed up until 2 in the morning last night trying to find this guy.  Nada.

I experienced yet another small shadow of infinite clarity yesterday while massaging a small Indian woman.  It was the faintest whisper of them yet, but it added more understanding among my growing arsenal of awareness.  I won’t get into what I gleaned, it’s all bullshit unless you’ve experienced it for yourself, but the message was certainly there.

When you confront your demons by staring directly into the mouth of deceit, vengeance, malice, you’re staring into the void of other peoples demons as well.  You can see them as plainly as you can see your own.  By staring at it, blinking benevolently with curiosity (just like with those ayahuasca eyes), you can see truth.  Your own truth.  You can only understand as much as you have previously experienced.

So many levels…

There’s no such thing as a perfect person.  But there is such a thing as compassion, which leads to understanding.  And although nobody’s perfect, you can at least understand what makes them, them.

**********

It’s now a few days later.  I’ve been busy setting up my new business and crap.

My brother owns a nice spa in Cheshire three minutes down the street from where I’m setting up shop.

My brother – “I’m selling elegance and style, and you’re selling cheap massages.  It’s like we’re both selling lemons side-by-side, only you’re selling yours for a lot less.”

He starts talking with a Mexican accent, “hey mayn, come buy my lemoons.  They the same value as those other lemoons over there, but here theer a lot cheeeper.”

I can’t really imitate a Mexican accent.  Not even in my blog.

Basically, he’s getting scared.  Scared that I’ll be a success.  Which makes me even more sure that my idea will work!

Me – “I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you.  It’s my livelihood, it’s all that I know.  This is the next big step for me.”

My brother – “But why couldn’t you do it someplace else?”

Me – “Because it’s right down the street.  It’s not fair to make me drive all the way to the next town.  I’m doing it because it’s close.  It won’t effect your business.”

I’m in work.  Today sucks.  My first client arrived at 10AM and my last client arrives at 7:30PM.  In between that, I have to give 6 massages, 3 of which are 90 minutes.

Hopefully this will be my last busy day.  This whole week is booked, but today is ludicrous.  I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  And with my intelligence (or lack thereof), I won’t have to do it much longer.

My last client enjoyed his massage so much that he wrapped his hand around my waist while I was administering an arm stretch.

Me – “It’s way to early in the morning for this shit.”  I thought to myself.

Him – “Does it have to end?”

Me – “Ha, yeah.”

Him – “I could lay here all day.”

He was a 90 minute Groupon client and left without tipping me.  I did all that for 25 bucks.  25 bucks that I already spent months ago.  So free basically, I did it for free.

My next client will be here any minute.  I’m fresh out of things to write about, even though this past week has been nuts.  In my pursuit to make things right with everyone, I met up with Amy – the emotionally abusive friend.

We met at a restaurant/bar that she goes to every Monday night.  Alone.

Me – “It’s not your fault for abusing me.  You didn’t know what you were doing.  You couldn’t see it.”

Amy – “You’re sensitive.  That’s how I joke around with everyone.  You’re just too sensitive.”

Me – “You ended the friendship.”

Amy – “That’s because you were all over that guy at the bar and I felt like I had to look out for you, and then you were all over Zack at that party and got angry I left without you.”

I’m not an argumentative person.  All I know is that guy at the bar she’s referring to was a middle-aged truck driver that I had absolutely no interest in, and Zack was the cook at Billy O’s who developed a crush on me – I did not, DID NOT flirt or lead these guys on in any way.  And even if I did, so what?  We were all having fun until she started yelling at me.

I couldn’t argue, didn’t want to argue.  I couldn’t’ understand her argument, so I had nothing to counter with.  None of it made any sense.  So I just sat there and listened.

I didn’t trust that she was telling me the whole truth.  When you don’t have trust, when nothing adds-up, there’s no comprehension.

It’s all about control, that’s all it is.  People have this uncontrollable urge to control me.  And when they can’t, they get pissed.  I never asked to be taken care of, or for anyone to worry about me.  They use that as an excuse to get rid of me.  That’s all they have against me.  That and I’m lackadaisical and free-spirited.  I don’t share emotions, or that I’m negative, irresponsible…etc.

One person tells me I don’t care enough, while the other says I care too much.

No matter what I do, I will always be wrong.  No matter what I say, it’s always the wrong thing.

I have a bunch of long standing friends that love and accept me, and it’s these same people who don’t try to control me.  They don’t give me ultimatums or tell me something’s wrong with me – only when they want to control me, does this happen.

They want to control me because who I am hurts them.  Just by me being me, somehow hurts them.  Even my shitty hugs hurt them (I’ve been told twice that I give shitty hugs).

Anyway, I hate writing about all this garbage.  It’s my narcism talking.

Honesty is everything.  Not love, not empathy – honesty.  With honesty comes understanding.  We can only let go once we understand truth.

Life would be so much simpler if I wasn’t so damn social and up in everyones face.

Next person on my list is Henry.  I still need to call that guy.  Once I call Henry, I’ll set my checkpoint.  He most likely wants nothing to do with me, but I can understand that.

Let my bad karma rain down on me, hurt me, abuse me, I probably deserve it.  If I fight it, it won’t run its course.  This is my life now.  I accept it.

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