Another one of Melanie’s drunk moments of clarity. In today’s episode: Jealousy & Insecurity (they are the same thing).

I am terribly engaging to a fault.

You know how I fixate on things?  Well, that goes for people too.  I get hooked into conversations that can go on and on for hours with anyone – and I mean ANYONE and EVERYONE.

But as soon as a new person enters the conversation, I engage them, I fixate on them, and can talk on and on with that person, completely overlooking the last person I was previously engaged with.

And when this happens, you can see the crazy that comes out in people.  The insecurities.  The feeling that I abandoned the conversation, hence, I abandoned them.

When I talk to people, it’s almost like no one else in the world matters.  You are it.  My all, my everything (at that particular moment).  It feels like no one else matters until of course when that moment arrives and you realize no, that’s not true.  There are others in the world.  And now I’m talking to them as if you don’t exist.

This post will be exceedingly narcissistic.  I’m well aware of how I sound.  Tame your eye rolls and humor me for a while.  This can actually pertain to everyone.  Everyone can experience, or see it happening to some degree.  It’s human nature.

Here’s the drunk epiphany part:  It’s not actually me as a person that they like, it’s how I make them feel about themselves.

My transfixed attention made them feel good.  It made them feel aware of who they are.

In the end it’s ultimately about them, and has nothing to do with me at all.

It’s really hard to explain, and if you don’t already think like me, having similar thinking patterns and thought process, than you’ll not fully digest what I’m saying.  But the epiphany was most definitely there – it’s not me they like.  It’s just that they like themselves more when I focus my attention on them.  They want more of me because they want more of themselves.

I can’t give people something they already have.  And since I can never fulfill my end of the bargain, there will forever be disappointments.

I have this weird confidence about me.  Like an airy sort of, “I don’t give a shit, but I do” kind of way about me.  I can’t put my finger on it, but people equally like and hate it.  I can meet new people and talk to them like we’re old friends – like we belong as friends.  It feels comfortable and right.

But, and this is a devastating but, as soon as my attention goes astray – I WILL be hated.  I’ll be hated because what I gave to them, that feeling of being the only person that matters – that feeling was a lie.  A LIE!  I lied to them.  I’m no different from everybody else.  I’m a moron, an idiot, a big oaf, a liar.  And in some cases, the antithesis of the awesome person they thought I was.

But, and this is my own personal devastating but, what these people don’t realize is that I AM sincere.  I’m sincere in the way of Yes, when I talk to you – you are the only person I’m focused on and listening to.  No one else matters.  You got me.  It’s not a game.  I AM all heart.

When the “lie” I told is their new object of focus, I physically feel a sloughing off of all the good vibes that I fed to them earlier.  The good vibes wilt away and constantly need to be replenished.  I go back and replenish as much as I can until what I can give is no longer enough and I’m left abandoned and confused.

This is what happened with both of my friends, Amy and what the eff’s the other one’s name?…It begins with a K.

Kristie!

It happened with Kristie too.  And my poor little friend Henry.

These people never actually liked or cared about me.  They only cared about how I made them feel about themselves.

Bob Marley is right about there being only one love.  It’s a transcendental love that asks nothing, wants nothing, expects nothing.  I want nothing from anyone, only to not be treated poorly because I DO hurt.

Transcendental love happens when you catch yourself smiling at someone by just watching them.  It doesn’t matter what they’re doing, or who they’re talking to, you see them and they make you smile.  Or you think about them and smile.  That’s real love.

It seems like the more I’m able to make others feel awesome about themselves, the more I can damage them.  I hurt them so badly that they can only survive the pain by devaluing my worth until it wields no power over them.  They devalue me by seeing the worst in me.  All my flaws – even flaws that aren’t even there.  I fall hard.  The higher I stand, the harder I fall.

Here are the stages of my collapse:

First there is anger from the aforementioned “lie” I fed to them (that they’re the only person that matters to me).

Then they devalue my worth so I have no power over them.

Once that’s gone, I’m looked at in disgust because I’m a lowly loveless creature, groveling beneath their mighty weight of control and power.

And with disgust comes annoyance when I ask what’s wrong and what it is that I’m doing wrong.

Lastly comes complete withdrawal, avoidance, and abandonment.  Confusion.  My heart suffocates and is choked by a sodden dishrag.  Smelling musty and burnt.  Used up.

I no longer make them feel good.  I no longer make them feel anything accept guilty pride.  Nobody likes to feel guilty pride, hence the abandonment.

God I’m such a girl….

Isn’t this what normal girls do?  They sound all whiny and cause irrelevant drama?

Ha ha yep I’m just a regular girl I guess.  Totally NOT insane.  No siree Bob not insane at all.  Just one of the girls is what I am.

At least with jealousy, all negative thoughts can dissolve into fits of anger and expressed outside the soul.  But with me, it gets tucked away into my grey corner.  A corner reserved for confusion and loss.  Nobody puts baby in the corner.  Nobody.

Does anyone have any idea what I’m talking about?

Rational Brain – “No they do not.  You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Me – “No that’s not true!  I’m an onlooker man, pure bred seeker of truth and of self-awareness.”

Rational Brain – “All I hear is ‘ boohoo, nobody likes me.  Nobody cares about me.  Whaa someone look at me!'”

Me – “What-evs.”

Rational Brain – “And you somehow managed to make narcissistic comments about how great you make others feel, and yet say humbly neurotic sentiments about not being liked.  Do you hear how crazy you sound?!”

Me – “Okay okay, got it.  Geez.”

Shit I’m so tired.  Everything tuckers me out.

I can go on to say that people with little belief in themselves (the weaker individuals), tend to fill their voids with my outpouring of attention a hell of a lot easier and willingly than the stronger types.  And this can be viewed as one of my more sinister traits; that I’m a narcissistic pariah who feeds on the weak in order to get her supply fix.

When people want to devalue me, this is what they see.  This is what they want to see.  And the Law of Fives grants them access to see the shit show.

My awesomeness is what kills me.  I’m crushed my its weight.  The weight of my huge ego that is.  No seriously, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.  I can’t win.

I love everybody dammit.  I really do!

So tuckered out….

How do normal girls (such as myself) do it?  All of it is very tiring….

Hehem hehem (throat clear).

So anyway, I contacted a realtor yesterday about finding me a rental space for my new business.  He sounded cool enough.  Not very sales – pitchy.

As of now I’m broke.  Sodden dishrag kind of broke.  Moldy and miserable and crusty to boot.

What I’m about to do, if I can find a suitable office, is a high-risk gamble.  A complex, possibly irresponsible heart wrenching gamble.

I hate gambles…

I should stop writing now.  It’s getting late.  But before I go, I just want to share with you one last thing.  A Google Synchronicity moment.

Google always knows what you’re looking for before you key in all the words.

I wanted to make sure I got that old Dirty Dancing expression right and so….

dirty dancing expression

All I wrote was nobody put!  How does Google know?  I mean seriously?  I swear I never looked it up before and Google merely recalled its memory.  This shit is scary!

Enhanced by Zemanta

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s