Monthly Archives: February 2014

Trust is compassion and empathy broadens awareness.

I believe that narcissism is the root of all evil.  Yes, I’m blaming it all on narcissism.  One simple, yet complicated natural human inclination.  It all comes down to narcissism.  All of it.

Don’t believe me?  You want to debate?  I love debating once my thoughts are organized.  When they’re organized, you’ll see my reasoning is logical.  But I still love a good debate.  Bring it.

How should I begin this entry?  With shedding light on duality?  Or with writing about our survival instincts?  Or should I take a nap while listening to an audiobook on my massage table?

I’ve been looking forward to this nap since yesterday, so I’m going to choose the nap.  I’ll write more tonight when I get home.

I feel a whopper of a transfixed post alighting my fingertips.  I see patterns and inspiration everywhere, which indicates mental illness.  Sane people are boring.  I choose crazy.


It’s now the next day and nope, I didn’t write last night.  Some whopper of a post that turned out to be.  Pfff…..

I had a crazy dream last night and awoke to understanding a little more about this mind of Mel.  And I really am crazy, but not more so than others.

Shit is wack.  Wack I say!

I’m jaded and cynical to the point of foregoing any trust in others.  All I can see is my perspective and what I perceive as truth, the only truth.  The only thing that’s valid and makes sense.

Let’s pretend that Amy was telling me the truth (read last post).  That I really was hanging all over that truck driver and Zack.  From her perspective (according to her), she had to look out for me and worry about me, which is apparently grounds for termination.  I’m not worth the trouble or drama.

From my perspective, we were having fun that night.  So logically, according to my perspective, what she says makes no sense (to me).

Let’s not take into account that this is just one of the many fights we shared.  Let’s not factor in that she replicates every bullet point of the standard emotional abuse model.  And we were fine after this particular fight.  We even spent New Years together as though none of it happened.

Let’s forget all that, and try to see things from her perspective, that is, if I can allow myself to trust her.  To empathize with her.

I recently learned (last night) that trust is a big determining factor into understanding and empathizing with someone.  It’s not love, it’s trust.  Trusting their point of view as being valid.  And if their point is valid, than yours must be wrong – or so my theory goes.  Our ego’s protect our beliefs by avoiding empathy – especially when it’s shows us a wrong we made.  It’s an inherent survival skill (I’ll get into that later).

Anyway, I’m trying to focus on empathy here.  Finding a connection and understanding Amy’s perspective – this is the opposite of narcissism.  When people feel for others, it’s evils antagonist.  When we trust each other, it’s the antithesis of selfishness.

I met her at that little restaurant with nothing but the kindest intentions of wanting to mend things.  I told her how I have trouble expressing my emotions, and I should’ve told her that what she was doing felt like emotional abuse.  But instead of telling her how I felt, I let things deteriorate thinking that everything will be okay.  Always okay, like in my science fiction fantasy world.

Me – “I let Zack in my head.  He’s the one that pointed out the abuse and after he said that, it’s all that I saw.  Every indicator was there.”

Amy – “Zack’s homeless and schizophrenic now.”

I have to find out if this is true.

Me – “Oh no poor Zack!”

She said it with no remorse or kindness.  She said it in a laughable, snide way.

Zack is now on my list of people I need to reconnect with.  He basically confessed his love for me at that party we went to, and I blew him off.  He’s super cute, intelligent, caring, but all I saw was his age.  He’s around 26 or so, way below my cut-off time.  I blew him off which leads into more bad karma added to my plethora of shit luck.

Anyways, that’s off topic.

I’m trying defiantly hard to empathize with Amy, but I can’t see it.  All I can see are half-spoken truths.  What should it matter if I was talking to those men?  She was right there laughing beside me – not for a minute did she feel excluded or under-appreciated.

No matter how hard I try to blame myself, I can’t see anything I did wrong.  I can’t change myself for the better if I can’t see my faults.  My damn ego is too intact – too full of itself to ever understand.  It’s thick, full, and lush – as copious as my 700 blog posts.

The bigger the vocab, the bigger the ego.

So anyway, I tried.  I’m a bastard.

That dream I had last night showed me how much my perception narrows without empathy, understanding, and trust.  By me being cynical all the time, limits my ability to trust others, which in turn impedes my ability to have compassion.  It impedes my ability to understand.  And thus cycling back into my narrow rigid perspective.

Not being able to empathize with Amy, showcases my skills at distrust and seeing only my point of view.  Can you see how trust and empathy play off each other?

The dream illustrated to me that true awareness is the act of defying narrow perspectives.  To stop from being cynical all the time, and learn trust.

This is the first time I’m able to understand that trust is compassionate.  They’re star-crossed lovers amid a foray of self-inflicted obstacles.  One can not work without the other.

Why didn’t ayahuasca tell me?  Was it because I haven’t experienced trusting others perceptions above my own?  Because I couldn’t see past my ego?

You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

“But what about Amy?  How can you trust her?  She’s crazy!”

This is the part where my dream from last night blows my mind.  From Amy’s perspective, she IS telling the truth.

People can only believe what they have previously experienced.  Their ego restricts them from seeing outside themselves (hence narrowing perspective).  They believe only in that which they can understand.  I know this for a fact because I see it happening with myself – shit is crazy!

I can only believe and see what I already understand.  I can only understand the things I’ve experienced.

Denial and confabulations – all the stuff that holds the ego intact, morphs history.  It’s a way for us to control ourselves, control the past, control the present.  Control what our children learn and read about.

Our true selves remain hidden, a mystery.  Something to be forgotten and buried.  Never to be faced and understood, but avoided and sometimes labeled as a transient evil (depending on severity) – and this “evil” will find a face to blame because we can never blame ourselves.

(I’m about to ramble and transfix for a while, just hang in there with me.)

We fear what is hidden (that’s why we place blame).  Whatever is hidden inside us will be projected onto others.  Your own fear, the stuff that remains hidden, karma is a bitch when you project it on others.  A real bitch.  And you will project it.

Why does this happen?

It’s a universal law.  Our only mission on this planet is to evolve spiritually.  It doesn’t matter how we do it, just that it happens.  And every piece of the puzzle fits.  Every person, every situation, all that exists and did exist, fits into an unforeseen celestial plan.  Gods will, if you…..will.

I was only able to see how everything fits while I was under ayahuasca, but the memory of it is still there.  Human beings wouldn’t exist if even the smallest element was missing, smallest degree away from the sun, smallest evolutionary leap – the smallest anything, we would not be here.  The miracle of us being here proves to me that everything happens for a reason.  Why should our personal lives be any different?

Read Bill Bryson’s A Brief History of Nearly Everything, and you’ll understand what I mean.

Nothing we do matters, only growth matters.  All that happens in-between birth and death is fodder.

While karma is at work, there is no clean thought.  No clear thought, no recollection of any details that prove our maliciousness, our envy, our indifference – we see none of that.  I know this because it happened to me.  I don’t remember half the shit people tell me I did.

We can only see what we understand, the things that we choose to believe.  Which brings me to duality.

I was all fired up yesterday with wanting to write about duality.  I saw a faint glimmer of its importance in juxtaposition to ego.

Narcissism is the product of ego, and no, it’s not evil.  I shouldn’t have said it was evil – but it’s what we consider evil to be.  In all actuality, it’s necessary.

Why is narcissism evil?

Anything that lacks empathy or compassion is seen as evil.  Anything that derives pleasure from people’s pain, is evil.  If you’re the one causing the pain, that gives you power.  Power ensures the ego’s survival.  Ego is a tool we use to survive in this world.  It’s laced with fear, doing anything it takes to breathe one last breath.

Narcissism is the heart of ego.  Entire communities, high-profile families, countries, races, religions – all can embody a narcissistic mob mentality world view.  Not to mention corporations, political figures, anyone who claims themselves as “saintly”.  Anyone who claims to be anything, has ego.

Especially if they claim to be good and “saintly.”



Despite what I say, ego is just as divine as compassion.  We wouldn’t be able to know compassion without it.  It’s that which defines.  Ego is identity.

So, yeah.  Duality is cool…..

But…..this is where people trip up….

We don’t know ourselves – we are unable to see who we are and what we do.  The ego shrouds our eyes.  If we don’t see the duality, if we haven’t experienced both perceptions, we can only see and know ego (our baser instincts).

If we’re unable to see our own cruelty, we will never grow, never evolve, never learn what compassion is.

So basically the whole premiss of this post is to tell you that empathy is a way of broadening our awareness and that we can only empathize if we learn to trust each other.

We can only understand as far as our experience allows – this doesn’t mean that others perspectives aren’t valid.  It’s just that we can’t see it.  We haven’t experienced what they experienced.

I failed to empathize with Amy.  I’m not there yet.  I’m not enlightened enough to have all understanding and compassion flow through me.  I can still get hurt, and as long as I still hurt, I’m attached to my ego, to identity, to fear, shallowness, and living in my science fiction fantasy world where everything is honky dory.

All done out of self-preservation.  For survival.  So I can breathe and live to write another day.

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I wish life was like a computer.

If life were like a computer, you can save everything.  You can make a checkpoint during the good times so if things get shitty, you can always go back.  All you need to do is reboot the system and go back in time to your previous checkpoint.  All the accumulated garbage, mistakes, viruses that corrupted your files – everything would be wiped clean away.

K – “If you’re not open with your feelings, we can’t be friends.”

I hear that phrase a lot.  It’s always worded with; “if you can’t be (fill in the blank), than we can’t be friends.”

Me – “Why can’t everything just be okay?  Always okay?”

S – “What do you, live in a science fiction fantasy or something?”

I love science fiction.  Why’d she have to use science fiction.

Why do people give ultimatums?  I’ve never given an ultimatum to anyone, not ever.  Is this how the real world works?  Am I really living in a fantasy world?  Am I really just too damn accepting to the point of being delusional?

“I’m sorry Mom, but if you can’t be open with your feelings, you can’t be my mother anymore.”

“I’m sorry bro, but if you can’t stop being so negative, we can’t be siblings anymore.”

People don’t see the bigger picture.  All they can do is fixate on their hurt and try to control or change others.  And I’m left feeling like something’s wrong with me.  It’s always me.

Giving an ultimatum to someone is done solely for the purpose of avoiding hurt.   In this case, I hurt her by not expressing my feelings – I’m seen as cold, aloof, and uncaring.

People hate me as much as they love me.  I constantly need to keep things in balance.  Too much love will equate to too much hate in the future.  Too much hate will equate to avoidance and lowering my worth so I can no longer hurt them.  And this virus spreads to others.

While in balance, ultimatums spring up.  Either they spring up, or I’m once again living in my science fiction fantasy world of everything being honky dory.  I think everything is fine, while others harbor ill will against me.  My naivety (being oblivious) frustrates the hell out of people.

These past five days were hard.  That funeral I went to, that was hard on everyone.

I just wish I can reboot.  I want to stop messing things up with everyone.  I want to stop being so selfish and hurt all the time by others.  When I fixate on my pain, I can’t see anyone else’s.  I can’t see that these people are somehow being hurt by me.  By the things I do, things I say, or don’t say.

Having an ultimatum sprung on me, informs me that I’ve hurt someone.   Although I don’t agree with ultimatums, I do agree that they are formed from a real place.  A hurt place. I only have to listen and trust that the person is telling the truth, even though my perception (ego vision) makes it incredibly hard to do so.

I’m so jaded and cynical to the point where I don’t trust anyone to be honest.  “Me?  Hurt somebody?  You don’t care enough about me to be hurt by me.  What’s really going on here.  Why do you hate me?”

I didn’t actually say this, it’s just a far-flung example.

I can cry everyday if I allow myself that privilege.  I can feel sorry for myself for being alone in a cruel world that doesn’t’ know compassion, empathy, or honesty.  I can cry a river to float on though life.  Meandering down a narrow crevasse, digging itself deeper, chiseling the channels to a narrower perspective.

Friends and family are the most important privileges in my life – not crying a river.  They bring me lasting joy and happiness.  Happiness is only real when shared (the last words of a lonesome, dying boy).

So I’m taking the initiative to reboot.  I’m committing myself to rebooting.  I’m rewiring all the wrongs I’ve committed and making things right – so I can get my happy back.  Life’s too short to run away from something that can potentially save you from yourself.

There was a guy in high school that I dated.  Doug Coates.  Yes I’m posting his name.

I completely annihilated his heart.  I ripped it to shreds.  Just by avoiding him.  There was no honesty, no explanation, I was simply gone one day.  We didn’t go to the same school, didn’t have the same friends.  There was no Facebook, Myspace, or cell phones back in the day – there was none of that.

I’m posting his name because I want to find this guy.  He moved to RI before graduating high school.  Is that why I avoided him?  Because he was leaving?  I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m detangling all my bad karma.  I want to make amends, to make things right.  I stayed up until 2 in the morning last night trying to find this guy.  Nada.

I experienced yet another small shadow of infinite clarity yesterday while massaging a small Indian woman.  It was the faintest whisper of them yet, but it added more understanding among my growing arsenal of awareness.  I won’t get into what I gleaned, it’s all bullshit unless you’ve experienced it for yourself, but the message was certainly there.

When you confront your demons by staring directly into the mouth of deceit, vengeance, malice, you’re staring into the void of other peoples demons as well.  You can see them as plainly as you can see your own.  By staring at it, blinking benevolently with curiosity (just like with those ayahuasca eyes), you can see truth.  Your own truth.  You can only understand as much as you have previously experienced.

So many levels…

There’s no such thing as a perfect person.  But there is such a thing as compassion, which leads to understanding.  And although nobody’s perfect, you can at least understand what makes them, them.


It’s now a few days later.  I’ve been busy setting up my new business and crap.

My brother owns a nice spa in Cheshire three minutes down the street from where I’m setting up shop.

My brother – “I’m selling elegance and style, and you’re selling cheap massages.  It’s like we’re both selling lemons side-by-side, only you’re selling yours for a lot less.”

He starts talking with a Mexican accent, “hey mayn, come buy my lemoons.  They the same value as those other lemoons over there, but here theer a lot cheeeper.”

I can’t really imitate a Mexican accent.  Not even in my blog.

Basically, he’s getting scared.  Scared that I’ll be a success.  Which makes me even more sure that my idea will work!

Me – “I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you.  It’s my livelihood, it’s all that I know.  This is the next big step for me.”

My brother – “But why couldn’t you do it someplace else?”

Me – “Because it’s right down the street.  It’s not fair to make me drive all the way to the next town.  I’m doing it because it’s close.  It won’t effect your business.”

I’m in work.  Today sucks.  My first client arrived at 10AM and my last client arrives at 7:30PM.  In between that, I have to give 6 massages, 3 of which are 90 minutes.

Hopefully this will be my last busy day.  This whole week is booked, but today is ludicrous.  I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  And with my intelligence (or lack thereof), I won’t have to do it much longer.

My last client enjoyed his massage so much that he wrapped his hand around my waist while I was administering an arm stretch.

Me – “It’s way to early in the morning for this shit.”  I thought to myself.

Him – “Does it have to end?”

Me – “Ha, yeah.”

Him – “I could lay here all day.”

He was a 90 minute Groupon client and left without tipping me.  I did all that for 25 bucks.  25 bucks that I already spent months ago.  So free basically, I did it for free.

My next client will be here any minute.  I’m fresh out of things to write about, even though this past week has been nuts.  In my pursuit to make things right with everyone, I met up with Amy – the emotionally abusive friend.

We met at a restaurant/bar that she goes to every Monday night.  Alone.

Me – “It’s not your fault for abusing me.  You didn’t know what you were doing.  You couldn’t see it.”

Amy – “You’re sensitive.  That’s how I joke around with everyone.  You’re just too sensitive.”

Me – “You ended the friendship.”

Amy – “That’s because you were all over that guy at the bar and I felt like I had to look out for you, and then you were all over Zack at that party and got angry I left without you.”

I’m not an argumentative person.  All I know is that guy at the bar she’s referring to was a middle-aged truck driver that I had absolutely no interest in, and Zack was the cook at Billy O’s who developed a crush on me – I did not, DID NOT flirt or lead these guys on in any way.  And even if I did, so what?  We were all having fun until she started yelling at me.

I couldn’t argue, didn’t want to argue.  I couldn’t’ understand her argument, so I had nothing to counter with.  None of it made any sense.  So I just sat there and listened.

I didn’t trust that she was telling me the whole truth.  When you don’t have trust, when nothing adds-up, there’s no comprehension.

It’s all about control, that’s all it is.  People have this uncontrollable urge to control me.  And when they can’t, they get pissed.  I never asked to be taken care of, or for anyone to worry about me.  They use that as an excuse to get rid of me.  That’s all they have against me.  That and I’m lackadaisical and free-spirited.  I don’t share emotions, or that I’m negative, irresponsible…etc.

One person tells me I don’t care enough, while the other says I care too much.

No matter what I do, I will always be wrong.  No matter what I say, it’s always the wrong thing.

I have a bunch of long standing friends that love and accept me, and it’s these same people who don’t try to control me.  They don’t give me ultimatums or tell me something’s wrong with me – only when they want to control me, does this happen.

They want to control me because who I am hurts them.  Just by me being me, somehow hurts them.  Even my shitty hugs hurt them (I’ve been told twice that I give shitty hugs).

Anyway, I hate writing about all this garbage.  It’s my narcism talking.

Honesty is everything.  Not love, not empathy – honesty.  With honesty comes understanding.  We can only let go once we understand truth.

Life would be so much simpler if I wasn’t so damn social and up in everyones face.

Next person on my list is Henry.  I still need to call that guy.  Once I call Henry, I’ll set my checkpoint.  He most likely wants nothing to do with me, but I can understand that.

Let my bad karma rain down on me, hurt me, abuse me, I probably deserve it.  If I fight it, it won’t run its course.  This is my life now.  I accept it.

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My Business Plan

(Skip this post if you have no desire to hear my business plan)

Here’s the framework:

I’m splitting the day up into two shifts.  First shift is 8:30 – 2PM.  Seven days a week.

That’s 5.5 hours a day, 38.5 hours a week.  4 clients a day, 28 clients a week.

I’m planning to pay my employee’s a flat rate of $10 an hour.  They’ll get $10 an hour for massaging discounted massages (Groupon, Living Social etc..), but they’ll get $17 an hour for full priced clients.  But let’s just focus on the flat rate of $10 an hour for now.  They get $10 an hour regardless.

I get paid $18.75 for each discounted massage I sell.

$18.75 X 4 clients a day = $75

$75 – $55 (the amount I pay employee) = $20

Okay, that’s pretty simple, right?  Makes sense.  I’ll be making a lousy $20 a day.  But wait, it gets better!

4 clients a day X 7 days a week = 28 clients a week.

28 clients a week X 4 weeks = 112 clients a month

112 discounted massages with my cut of $18.75 per massage = $2,100 each month.

My employee works 38.5 hours a week making $385 a week.

$385 X 4 weeks = $1,540

$2,100 a month – $1,540 = $560 profit a month

Alight, so first shift I’ll be making a modest profit of $20 a day / $560 a month.

I have three rooms, so three employee’s.  Times that $20 a day by 3 and I’ll be making $60 a day.

$60 a day for doing nothing.

$60 X 30 days a month = $1,800 profit a month

Minus $1,250 for rent, another $200 for utilities, $60 for phone and internet, $300 for laundry service (I’m guessing because I haven’t gotten a price for that yet), and I’m left with…

Negative $10.

But that’s only first shift….I mean, right?

Second shift is six hours a day from 2PM – 8PM.  Five clients a shift.

Blah blah, do the math, carry the one…

It’s a profit of $2,835 a month for second shift.

And this is with me being absent from the equation.

I’ll make $2,835 a month for doing nothing but selling mass quantities of Groupons (which always sell out).

So, how many massages does that total a month?  Including first and second shifts?

First shift: 4 clients a day X 7 = 28 clients a week

28 clients X 4 weeks = 112 massages a month for first shift

Second shift: 5 clients a day X 7 = 35 clients a week

35 clients X 4 weeks = 140 massages a month

140 + 112 = 252 massages a month

Each month I’ll need to sell 84 Groupons, 84 Living Social Deals, and 84 Amazon Local deals.

This is my plan for the first 6 months.  I should knock it down to 75 massages instead of 84 a month just so full-priced clients can get in, but I’ll worry about that in month 3.

As of now, I sell 40 Groupons a month at my single one-room office and they always sell out.  Not only do they sell out, but they don’t get redeemed.  People forget about them.  And I’m left with ample room to fit people in when they want in.

So, all in all, I think this can work.  No no, I don’t think, I KNOW it can work.

And remember, I’m nowhere in the equation.

Lets factor in full paying clients.

Lets say I sell 2 full-priced massages a week for $75.

$75 X 2 = $150

My employee’s make $17 an hour for full priced clients which leaves me with a profit of $116 a week.

$116 X 4 weeks = $464

And that’s just for selling 2 a week!

Other modes of marketing:

Birthday emails for half off.



Drive-by (I have a huge sign on a main road!)

My referral program:  Each client will receive one (or as many as they like) referral coupon to give to a friend.  It’s a $30 off coupon for first time clients.  Before the client gives the coupon to their friend, they are to write their name and email on the back of it and once their friend redeems their massage, I’ll email the giver a $10 off coupon for their next massage.

I did all this math crap before diving into this venture.  It feels sure-footed and safe – if it didn’t, I wouldn’t do it.  I’m not that gutsy.

It’s actually such a great idea, that I hate posting it.  I don’t want people to catch onto my schemes so they can copy it.

My next step is figuring out how many employee’s to employ.  I want three people working at all times.  I’m not going to know how many people to hire until I find out how much they want to work.

I have in my head an idea for a grid system drawn up on a big dry erase board (which is already equipped in my office and hidden from view), and each employee will have their own unique magnets that they can place on the grid to mark their territory.  There are a total of 14 shifts a week.  They can work as much or as little as they like, but it won’t change week to week.  This will be a real job with fixed hours.

Each employee will have access to their schedule anytime, anywhere in the world (it’s online).  If they have to miss a day, it’s in their hands to call their clients and cancel, and block off their shifts, or any shift they can’t make.  They have full control and full responsibility at all times.

I want to run my ship like McDonalds.  Simple and easy for everyone.  If it’s simple and easy for everyone, I won’t need to be involved in the equation.  That’s the whole point of me doing this.

And the best thing of all, what I’m paying my employee’s far surpasses any spa or clinic I’ve ever worked at.  They are going to make bank!

The house always wins though.  If a client comes in with a $10 off coupon, my employee will get stuck making $10, while I make $55.  Until of course, I’ll enact raises after 6 months and then they’ll make $11 ($18 for full price).

Stealing would be impossible since I’ve been a cashier for many years and know how to balance a drawer.  Everyday you start with the same amount, and every night you take home the difference.  My books will be immaculate.  Absolutely no loose ends.

McDonalds, think McDonalds.  Only instead of fries, I’m selling fingers.

That sounds bad…

Anyway, it’s 4:30AM and I can’t sleep.  It’s not because of my business plan, no.  My business plan is just a deterrent – a time filler because I can’t sleep.

A really good friend of mine lost her Dad last night.  Well, I guess it was technically two nights ago.

He was a man I’ve known since I was 14.  A good man.  A really really good, decent guy.  Always smiling, chuckling, lending a hand to unclog the bathroom sink and what-not.  I seen him practically once a week for 15 or 16 years.  That’s more than what I saw of any of my blood relatives.

It happened after I wrote my last post – I had no idea he was even sick.  The post had nothing to do with him.

I can’t believe it.  You know what I mean?  It’s like that.  I can’t believe it.

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Pobody’s Nerfect

My friends Mom died a few days ago, another friend of mine almost died from an infected appendix.  My brothers employee’s Mother died.  There is death all around and people go about their day being cruel, uncaring, vengeful, dismissive, and unforgiving.

One of my friends is unforgiving.  Not towards me, we never had a falling out, but towards his friends.  His good friends that love him.

Me – “Have you talked to Smitty lately?”

Him – “Nah I’m sorta not speaking to him anymore.  I haven’t spoken to him since November.”

Me – “Oh geez, that guy loves you.  What happened?”

Him – “All he does is drink.  I’m sick of it.  We went to a concert in November and all he did was drink and smoke.”

Me – “How’s his cancer doing?”

Him – “I don’t know.”

Me – “You know, people always say that time heals everything, but they don’t take into account that sometimes there IS no time.”

Him – “Yeah, it sucks.  He’s his own worst enemy.  He does it to himself.”

Me – “He’s probably depressed as hell.”

I met Smitty once and yes, he’s annoying and drunk as hell.  He has an unhealthy protruding belly, picks apples for a living, and has no one left in his life that really loves him.  I hate seeing this happen because I know what it feels like to be him.  I know exactly what it feels like.  And that one time I met him, he had nothing but the best things to say about Brad.

Smitty – “This guy is great.  He’s the only guy that’s there for me, you know?  He’s a great guy.  I love him.”

Brad also stopped talking to his best friend because he’s sick of him and says he’s an asshole.  He avoids all his other friends who are affiliated with his ex-best friend.

I can’t understand it.  I was like this in high school, but not now.  Not after knowing how it feels.

To me, nothing is more painful to go through – nothing.  If I had loved one’s all around me, caring about me, believing in me – I can take on cancer.  Cancer is less scary and less painful than indifference.

Nobody wants to die, but what’s worse than death is dying alone.

I cry for myself and everyone else that’s hurting.  No matter what I do, I can’t stop it.  I can’t change anything.  All I can do is write about it.

And the apathetic people are hurting too.  They have low self-worth and constantly need reassurance.  If they don’t get reinsurance, they dismiss you and lower your worth.  And turn away from the pain they caused.  And if they consider someone to be “beneath” them, that person won’t mean anything to them because they can’t take anything from them.  Getting validation from someone beneath you is like coming to America with 100 pesos in your pocket – it’s worthless.

All anyone wants to do is take from others.  It’s like money.  Finding someone who’s money is more valuable than your own, is key to the ego’s survival.

Smitty’s money isn’t worth anything.

It’s a cycle of pain – everywhere I see it!  Gossip, maliciousness, avoidance, denial, reassurance to make sure you’re a good person through it all.

I broke the wall into compassion, and once you see it, you can’t turn away.  It makes me want to cry.  It’s like rubber-necking to see a macabre accident.  You can’t turn away.

If you have any idea what I’m talking about, than congratulations.  You’re part of the team that broke through.  It doesn’t mean you can’t turn back though.  It doesn’t mean you’re not immune to the shared ego illusion.  You’re still human.  You can still fall back into gossip, maliciousness, self-denial, and cruelty.

Until you snap out of it, like stepping out from a dream and you wonder, “what the hell am I doing?”

We were all babies at one time, we all have parents that will either die or leave us – which is more painful?  A loving parent who dies?  Or having a parent who is apathetic and dismissive?

The loss of loving parent is less painful than having a parent who doesn’t love you.

We all know loss, or will know loss sooner or later.  If you don’t know love, you’ll never know loss (or vice-versa).  Your life will be lived on the surface – all selfish, quick gains, meaningless.  Apathy is a way of protecting yourself from the pain.  Pain that is necessary into understanding God, understanding compassion.

I see all of this, but I can’t do a damn thing about it.  People taking their pain out on others…And for what?

Brad can easily turn on me.  Apparently it wouldn’t matter if I was dying.  He would turn on me if he knew I talked to his ex-bestie (which I do).

Instead of feeling the pain of “betrayal”, he’ll dismiss me because he’s “above” feeling hurt.  He’s too good for it.

But even if he did sink his claws in and berate me for betraying him, that’s no better.  The only true way to be “above” everything, is to not turn away from it.  The strong, right thing to do would be to confront it with an open heart and never assuming anything.

Hypothetical conversation:

Me – “Yeah I talk to him, we hang out sometimes.  He’s really not that bad.”

And all Brad will hear is:  “You’re wrong, he’s right.  What you’re doing is wrong.  I’m placing more worth on him than I am to you.  I’m purposely dismissing and hurting you because I like him more.”

It always comes down to self-worth.  Self-worth = self-love.

If you have no self-love, you’ll seek it out from others in the form of validation.  When that validation is threatened, your ego stops the chain of empathy, of understanding, and instead it assumes.

Assumptions are the byproduct of your monkey brain.  It’s completely unaware of itself.  They are there for your protection.  An unaware defense mechanism that braces you for the worst.

Brad gives little worth to his friend.  It’s easy for him to do this.  And by him knowing how easy it is, he’ll fear that others will do the same to him.

I know it’s hard to understand, but this is how karma works.  Whatever you’re capable of doing to others, you’ll fear others will do it to you.  Because it’s easy.  And mark my words, your fears WILL come true.  And keep coming true over and over again until you forgive yourself and awake from the dream.

But you always have the choice of denial, and to live superficially – there is always a choice.  You can choose who you’re apathetic towards.

I know all this because I lived through it – I experienced everything Brad experienced, experienced all that Smitty’s experiencing.  I too have been dismissive and have easily dropped people from my life – people who cared about me and were hurt by me.

But I didn’t see their hurt, I only saw myself.  I only saw myself and looked at them as being annoying – throwing money at me that’s not worth a damn.

I didn’t care.

I know all this because I was an apathetic asshole.  I also remember stepping out of it like it was a dream and I was beginning to awake from it.  Only, I didn’t know it at the time, what I was waking up from.

When I first met Brad, I thought his dismissiveness towards others was a strength.

Brad – “If someone wrongs me, I just stop talking to them altogether.  It’s no big deal for me.”  He shrugs his shoulders and made a flippant hand gesture.

What I saw as his strength, I now see as his weakness.  His weakness of not letting love in.  If you don’t know love, you’ll never be hurt.

One of my friends wants to do ayahuasca with me again.  She gave me a list of retreats and is now asking me to pick one.

Ayahuasca is NOT fun.  It’s transformative, informative, connects you with spirit and light.  It’s just getting there that’s not fun.  The purging, the fear, the eyes that gaze at you.  Seriously, what’s with the eyes?

I just got the chills.

I saw one eyeball when I did ayahuasca.  I saw it with my eyes closed.  It matched the color of the dark black screen behind my eyelids, and it was a clear definitive outline of an eye.  Just about everyone see’s them.  Why?  Why eyes?  They have lids and blink benevolently at you.

It’s the fact that they’re common is what freaks me out.  There must be a shaman out there who can explain what the ayahuasca eyes are all about.

I’m going to ask a Yahoo Answers question and see what comes up.  I’ll post the answers for you.

Damn, how did it get to be 2:30 in the morning already?

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The Fickle Mind Of Mel

English: Image is of James Van Der Beek, Ameri...

English: Image is of James Van Der Beek, American television, film, and stage actor. This image was taken in SanSierra Studio, New York, NY, US. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Fickle confabulations.  Disordered, mangled vision.  Trying to see logic and reason amass the torpid sleuth of choices to be made.

I decided not to buy the spa in Cheshire.  I woke up today, and as easily as I chose to buy it yesterday, today was just the contrary.  I slipped from its grasp.

I just got done massaging my first client and WOW.  She let one rip.

I never write about people passing gas while I massage them, it’s silly and trite (and usually it’s me) – but this one is certainly blog worthy.

It was one of those farts that shouldn’t be classified as a fart.  It was dark and had heft, you know what I mean?  The kind that are hot coming out and weigh heavier than breathable air.

It was a sick fart.  That’s what it was.  It didn’t smell healthy.  It was sick.  I smelt it for a good half hour.  A thick sick, dark fart.

Okay, so anyway, yeah…..that happened.

Back to the subject at hand.

I’m going to go on ahead with opening up my own shitty clinic.  It won’t be classy, or trashy, it’ll be me.  It’ll suit me, represent me.  It’ll be a mirror representation of all that I believe and hope for.

Sick, thick dark farts will be welcomed there.

It’s 12:47AM and I’m all hiccupy and shit.  And again, exhausted.

I live in a wealthy suburb of Connecticut.  Maybe not the wealthiest as far as Fairfield county, or Litchfield goes – whatever those places may be, I don’t know.  I live in Cheshire which is in-between those worlds of indulgence.   It’s upper middle-class.  It’s where James Van Der Beek is from and where the Petit murders taken place (yes I know both families).

My parents bought this house in the 70’s when nothing was here.  We added on to our house and made it bigger because we are carpenters, electricians, and plumbers all in one.

I was grandfathered into this town because my parents made the best out of what they already knew.

Me and my family pretty much swing with the punches.  I’m a, “if you can’t beat em’, join em’,” Kind of gal.  And as of now, my town caters to people with money – they leach off it.  It’s how the monopoly of Cheshire feeds and breeds.


I will offer the first affordable massage in Cheshire.  So people like me can afford a monthly massage with no hassle or strings attached.

Online deals are our growing future, and I know how to work them.  This will be my hook.

I’ll take that 18K that I was originally going to use for buying the spa in Cheshire, and invest it instead in a jaw dropping atmosphere that you wouldn’t expect from a hole-in-the-wall clinic.  It’ll touch the soul and the heart.  It’ll be real.  You know what I mean?  Dark fart acceptance kind of real.

Anyway, my next few posts are going to be boring business posts no doubt.  I latch on and fixate, remember?  And this is a life event for me.

And now for your moment of zen:

My Facebook message back to Melissa, the girl wanting to sell me her spa.

This is me trying to sound as logical and rational as my feeble brain will allow.


Hey Melissa I keep bouncing back and forth between starting my own business and buying yours. It’s killing my brain! I hate this crap, I really do.

It’s just that if I buy In Touch, I’ll be swamped in debt. That’s the only deterring factor.

The whole reason why I want to hire employee’s is so I can be free, but being in debt is not free. It’s a catch 22, you know?

And I feel like if I start my own business, I’d run it the same way I’d run In Touch. There’s a slight chance that I’d be making the same amount in my start-up (after six months or so) as I would make at In Touch. So why go 20-25k in debt when I could do it for a whole lot less?

My newest plan that I just thought of literally 5 minutes ago, is to start up my own business, give it time to make a steady profit and THEN I’ll buy In Touch. I’ll buy In Touch when I know I can afford it.

Right now I have my car payment, insurance, and cell phone bill totaling $400 a month. If I bought In Touch, I’ll need to take out a loan from the bank for a down payment plus extra money to put in an In Touch bank account, then pay rent, phone & internet, pay you, pay the bank, pay my personal bills ($400), pay the therapists – I’ll be swamped.

I thought A LOT about this and I can’t make up my mind. My brain is horrible. I hate this.

I’ll still meet with you on Sunday, and if it’s possible can you show me how many clients you guys average a week? And how much money you average a month? Oriana or whoever would need to take 40 clients a month just to make rent.

If I buy In Touch for $18,000, what I’m really buying is security in that it will actually make money and be able to pay for itself. I’m just not sure if that security is worth $18,000. You know? I hate this.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m leaning towards first starting my business, and then buying yours once I’m stabilized. It seems to make the most sense to me at the moment. So I’m not crazy swamped in debt.

But I definitely want to meet with you on Sunday! It will help me knowing exactly what I’m buying. I wish $18,000 wasn’t a lot of money for me. It isn’t in the long run, but shit adds up. Plus interest!

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Phase One of my turnkey business – Finding an office space

My heart weighs heavy.  I can feel it sitting hard in my chest, laboring my breath.  It’s making me want to close my eyes.

It’s a real thing when people say that their heart weighs heavy.  It feels like a dead weight – there’s even a pulling sensation.

According to my enlightenment, this feeling is nothing but an illusion.  If heaviness in the chest is an illusion, that will make lightness reality.  Lightness is rightness.

It’s now the next day.  I wrote all of the above last night after having a lousy day.  I was exhausted.  Too tired to breathe even.  And now here I am at work waiting for my first client to get here.

I don’t want to work anymore….

Yesterday drained me.  You know how I neurotically shopped for a used car not too long ago?  Well, that’s nothing compared to office hunting.  Hunting for an affordable office that’s suitable for massage therapy, is, well, nearly impossible.

I’m seeing my town in a whole new light.  Understanding why there are so many shops and business’s located in the center of town, and not on the outskirts – understanding why the rent is so high in the center.  It also makes me realize that the people who run the town, the one’s with the real money are the people who own the property that the businesses sit upon.

Commercial property is expensive.  More expensive than renting an apartment.  Real money can be made in commercial real estate.

It’s like I’m looking directly into a game of Monopoly.  A new layer of awareness unfurled, exposing it’s sinister pearly whites.

Monopoly….That’s all it is.  A game of Monopoly.

I went on Loopnet, Showcase, craigslist, and a few other websites to read about every single open office space in Cheshire.  EVERY SINGLE OPEN OFFICE SPACE.

I called two realtors, inspected one potential office, and on Thursday I’m going to see another.

I spent at least ten hours online searching for office spaces, examining each building, every detail, every pro and con.  And after researching online, I drove around town looking for “FOR RENT” or “FOR LEASE” signs.  I spotted many.  They were displayed outside buildings that I had previously inspected online.

“That one’s too expensive.”

“That one only has two rooms.”

“That one has too much space.”

I drove very slow, swerving from time to time.  There was too much to see, too much to inspect – I couldn’t go slow enough.  It was as though I was looking at my town for the very first time.  Seeing it as a machine almost.  A well-run oiled machine shining under the winter sun.  Everyone playing their part, doing something, going somewhere – working the industrial digestive track.

A ghost machine that no one pays attention to.

Whenever I passed by a “FOR RENT” sign, I had to turn around and inspect the place.  While I maneuvered through traffic – tons of traffic – I started to see traffic differently also.

“Oh yeah that’s right.  Keep coming ya’ll.  All potential clients.  Look at all of you!”

The traffic excited me.  Cheshire is on the up and up, rising in population.  I licked my lips as I turned into a plaza to peer inside the windows of a vacant storefront.  A small nail salon next to the vacant storefront gave me inspiration.  If they can do it, so can I.

Until that is, I passed by a spa – a nice looking spa.  And then another.  I pulled into the parking lot of the last spa and sat in my car.  I went on Yelp and searched all the nearby spa’s.  There were about 15 in a 7 mile radius.

I gazed at the nice looking spa before collapsing my forehead onto my steering wheel in defeat.

“I don’t have that much money.  I can’t do this.  These are the places that are busy, not a flimsy cheap cold office.  I’ll never make it…”

My client is done.  She said she’ll follow me wherever I go.

Originally I was going to buy an existing massage clinic in the heart of Cheshire, but the woman selling it wanted $35K.  I said no.  Then last night once I had gotten home from my lousy day, after haven written the first paragraph of this post, she emailed me a counter-offer.  It was a hell of a lot lower than $35K.

And that’s where I am right now.  Contemplating buying her business.  It has a ton of space, its own washer and dryer, two bathrooms, 3 massage rooms with the possibility of adding a fourth, all utilities included.  Comparatively, it’s the best and only suitable space for a massage clinic.  First floor, ample parking, right on the main strip….

I can turn it into a cash cow – a big fat money making cow.  I know I can.


I’m going to be massively in debt for a very long time.  A big hole that will take years to fill.

I’m trying not to have tunnel vision.  I want to think about this rationally, see it clearly.  It’s just that, I don’t know, it makes sense to buy it.  It’s already equipped with staff, clients, LLC, decor – all that is already there.  If I were to start up my own business from scratch, it will cost close to her asking price.  Not only that, but I will have zero money coming in for a while.

No matter which way I look at it, it makes sense to buy it.

I’m insanely tired.  I keep going to bed super late.  I stay up late watching documentaries, reading interesting articles, writing down blog idea’s (which I never use).

Okay, now it’s 1:42 in the morning.  I tried to sleep, but couldn’t.  I stayed up watching stupid Ted Talks and got my brain all wired.  In one of the episodes, they mentioned epinephrine.  I think my brain is making way too much.

On my way out of the house yesterday, I nearly slipped on some ice that lay buried beneath the snow.  I immediately called my parents.

Me – “Hey Dad I almost slipped on some ice in the driveway.  Please be careful with Mom so she won’t fall?  I think you should hold her by the elbow.”

Dad – “Or maybe she can hold me up.”  He laughs his laugh.

Me – “I get so nervous about Mom falling.  I’m so worried about it.”

Dad – “We’ll be careful, don’t worry.”

Me –  “Okay good.  I got to go.  I got to go to work.”

Dad – “Okay, be careful driving.  It’s icy.”

Me – “You guys be careful!”

Dad – “We’ll try.  Thanks for the phone call.”

I can hear my Mom in the background telling me she loves me and thanks for calling.

Dad – “Okay we’ll see you later.  Be careful.”

Me – “Yeah I’ll see you guys later.  Please be careful too.”

That last bit of the convo made me smile.  We couldn’t stop warning each other enough to “be careful.”

Who can have such a light heart at times like these?  When an elderly overweight grandmother who recently had a knee replacement and a 30 pound tumor removed, who is in constant danger of falling every time she gets up – how can my heart be light?

How can my heart be light when I’m planning on buying a massage business?

How can my heart be light when I’m turning 34 on Friday?  On the most depressing, cold day of the year?  How?

I tend to malinger.  Don’t mind me.  Melanie Malingers, or Malingering Mel.

No, I’m not malingering.  I’m legitimately stressed.

I’m going to attempt sleep again.


I finally slept.  I slept until 11:30 and it was wonderful.

I’m in work waiting for my first client.  I’m going to publish this post and start another.

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Another one of Melanie’s drunk moments of clarity. In today’s episode: Jealousy & Insecurity (they are the same thing).

I am terribly engaging to a fault.

You know how I fixate on things?  Well, that goes for people too.  I get hooked into conversations that can go on and on for hours with anyone – and I mean ANYONE and EVERYONE.

But as soon as a new person enters the conversation, I engage them, I fixate on them, and can talk on and on with that person, completely overlooking the last person I was previously engaged with.

And when this happens, you can see the crazy that comes out in people.  The insecurities.  The feeling that I abandoned the conversation, hence, I abandoned them.

When I talk to people, it’s almost like no one else in the world matters.  You are it.  My all, my everything (at that particular moment).  It feels like no one else matters until of course when that moment arrives and you realize no, that’s not true.  There are others in the world.  And now I’m talking to them as if you don’t exist.

This post will be exceedingly narcissistic.  I’m well aware of how I sound.  Tame your eye rolls and humor me for a while.  This can actually pertain to everyone.  Everyone can experience, or see it happening to some degree.  It’s human nature.

Here’s the drunk epiphany part:  It’s not actually me as a person that they like, it’s how I make them feel about themselves.

My transfixed attention made them feel good.  It made them feel aware of who they are.

In the end it’s ultimately about them, and has nothing to do with me at all.

It’s really hard to explain, and if you don’t already think like me, having similar thinking patterns and thought process, than you’ll not fully digest what I’m saying.  But the epiphany was most definitely there – it’s not me they like.  It’s just that they like themselves more when I focus my attention on them.  They want more of me because they want more of themselves.

I can’t give people something they already have.  And since I can never fulfill my end of the bargain, there will forever be disappointments.

I have this weird confidence about me.  Like an airy sort of, “I don’t give a shit, but I do” kind of way about me.  I can’t put my finger on it, but people equally like and hate it.  I can meet new people and talk to them like we’re old friends – like we belong as friends.  It feels comfortable and right.

But, and this is a devastating but, as soon as my attention goes astray – I WILL be hated.  I’ll be hated because what I gave to them, that feeling of being the only person that matters – that feeling was a lie.  A LIE!  I lied to them.  I’m no different from everybody else.  I’m a moron, an idiot, a big oaf, a liar.  And in some cases, the antithesis of the awesome person they thought I was.

But, and this is my own personal devastating but, what these people don’t realize is that I AM sincere.  I’m sincere in the way of Yes, when I talk to you – you are the only person I’m focused on and listening to.  No one else matters.  You got me.  It’s not a game.  I AM all heart.

When the “lie” I told is their new object of focus, I physically feel a sloughing off of all the good vibes that I fed to them earlier.  The good vibes wilt away and constantly need to be replenished.  I go back and replenish as much as I can until what I can give is no longer enough and I’m left abandoned and confused.

This is what happened with both of my friends, Amy and what the eff’s the other one’s name?…It begins with a K.


It happened with Kristie too.  And my poor little friend Henry.

These people never actually liked or cared about me.  They only cared about how I made them feel about themselves.

Bob Marley is right about there being only one love.  It’s a transcendental love that asks nothing, wants nothing, expects nothing.  I want nothing from anyone, only to not be treated poorly because I DO hurt.

Transcendental love happens when you catch yourself smiling at someone by just watching them.  It doesn’t matter what they’re doing, or who they’re talking to, you see them and they make you smile.  Or you think about them and smile.  That’s real love.

It seems like the more I’m able to make others feel awesome about themselves, the more I can damage them.  I hurt them so badly that they can only survive the pain by devaluing my worth until it wields no power over them.  They devalue me by seeing the worst in me.  All my flaws – even flaws that aren’t even there.  I fall hard.  The higher I stand, the harder I fall.

Here are the stages of my collapse:

First there is anger from the aforementioned “lie” I fed to them (that they’re the only person that matters to me).

Then they devalue my worth so I have no power over them.

Once that’s gone, I’m looked at in disgust because I’m a lowly loveless creature, groveling beneath their mighty weight of control and power.

And with disgust comes annoyance when I ask what’s wrong and what it is that I’m doing wrong.

Lastly comes complete withdrawal, avoidance, and abandonment.  Confusion.  My heart suffocates and is choked by a sodden dishrag.  Smelling musty and burnt.  Used up.

I no longer make them feel good.  I no longer make them feel anything accept guilty pride.  Nobody likes to feel guilty pride, hence the abandonment.

God I’m such a girl….

Isn’t this what normal girls do?  They sound all whiny and cause irrelevant drama?

Ha ha yep I’m just a regular girl I guess.  Totally NOT insane.  No siree Bob not insane at all.  Just one of the girls is what I am.

At least with jealousy, all negative thoughts can dissolve into fits of anger and expressed outside the soul.  But with me, it gets tucked away into my grey corner.  A corner reserved for confusion and loss.  Nobody puts baby in the corner.  Nobody.

Does anyone have any idea what I’m talking about?

Rational Brain – “No they do not.  You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Me – “No that’s not true!  I’m an onlooker man, pure bred seeker of truth and of self-awareness.”

Rational Brain – “All I hear is ‘ boohoo, nobody likes me.  Nobody cares about me.  Whaa someone look at me!'”

Me – “What-evs.”

Rational Brain – “And you somehow managed to make narcissistic comments about how great you make others feel, and yet say humbly neurotic sentiments about not being liked.  Do you hear how crazy you sound?!”

Me – “Okay okay, got it.  Geez.”

Shit I’m so tired.  Everything tuckers me out.

I can go on to say that people with little belief in themselves (the weaker individuals), tend to fill their voids with my outpouring of attention a hell of a lot easier and willingly than the stronger types.  And this can be viewed as one of my more sinister traits; that I’m a narcissistic pariah who feeds on the weak in order to get her supply fix.

When people want to devalue me, this is what they see.  This is what they want to see.  And the Law of Fives grants them access to see the shit show.

My awesomeness is what kills me.  I’m crushed my its weight.  The weight of my huge ego that is.  No seriously, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.  I can’t win.

I love everybody dammit.  I really do!

So tuckered out….

How do normal girls (such as myself) do it?  All of it is very tiring….

Hehem hehem (throat clear).

So anyway, I contacted a realtor yesterday about finding me a rental space for my new business.  He sounded cool enough.  Not very sales – pitchy.

As of now I’m broke.  Sodden dishrag kind of broke.  Moldy and miserable and crusty to boot.

What I’m about to do, if I can find a suitable office, is a high-risk gamble.  A complex, possibly irresponsible heart wrenching gamble.

I hate gambles…

I should stop writing now.  It’s getting late.  But before I go, I just want to share with you one last thing.  A Google Synchronicity moment.

Google always knows what you’re looking for before you key in all the words.

I wanted to make sure I got that old Dirty Dancing expression right and so….

dirty dancing expression

All I wrote was nobody put!  How does Google know?  I mean seriously?  I swear I never looked it up before and Google merely recalled its memory.  This shit is scary!

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What to do if you’re tired all the time

Stage N3 sleep; EEG highlighted by red box. Th...

Stage N3 sleep; EEG highlighted by red box. Thirty seconds of deep sleep, here with greater than 50% delta waves. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I want answers.  I want to find answers.  I just don’t know the questions.  If I knew the questions, I can fixate the hell out of them and find some kind of understanding, a recognition of truth.

But I’m bone dry.  My curiosity has shriveled up like it jumped into some ice-cold waters.  Thoroughly depleted, cold, and shrinking.

The thing is, all I want to do is sleep.  Sleep is all that I want.

I feel like I can sleep for years without missing anything.  Just lay here in the quiet and exhale.  To finally exhale and lay down my burdens – lock them up in the tool shed in my backyard.

I’m tired of being human.  I’m tired of being owned.

Why is it that every time I embark on a call to adventure, I never feel rested enough?

“No, no I need more sleep, more time.”  I say.

And instead of sleeping, I push sleep aside and fixate on questions.

Not this time, no.  This time I’m laying down my burdens for real.  I’m actually going to go to sleep.  Like a baby.

My advice to anyone who’s tired all the time, my advice is to not deny yourself sleep.  Don’t be ashamed of napping.  Embrace napping and going to bed early – you are growing inside just like babies grow.  And you won’t be like this forever, but the longer you put off sleep, the more you’ll get sucked into your burdens.  The more you’ll bitch about them.  The more you’ll narrow your world and slip into either depression or ecstasy – both can happen when you fixate.

Sleep is a letting go, a great exhale.

I exhale constantly everyday, whenever I get a moment to lay down (my burdens), I exhale.  I never realized I did this until someone pointed it out to me because they taken offense to it – like I was exasperated or something.

Was I exasperated?  I don’t know, maybe.  Most likely yes.  I was.  I usually am anyway.  From not allowing myself sleep.

But you have to rest the right way.  With no shame.  Guilty napping doesn’t count – it cancels itself out.

This is why I promote isolation at times like these.  Being completely and unmistakably alone.  When you are alone, you’re not being pulled.

The best naps I’ve had in my life were at work in-between clients.  I lay on my massage table, turn the lights low, candle’s lit, table warmer on, and I melt.  I relish it.  Words can’t describe how much I love it.

I’ve never felt this way in my life.  I’ve never had an isolated napping place.  It is truly my happy place.

I isolate myself with the door being locked, no one looking for me, no one getting in.  I’m safe.  Unburdened.  It’s out-of-this-world kind of awesome.

I suggest that everyone finds a place like this.  It’s necessary for growth and expansion.

Okay, I’m done.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll find questions to answer, but for now I’m going to bed early.  I have much to do in the coming days.

I need to find a larger office and hire people.

I’m taking you with me on my step-by-step rags to riches journey.  Money is not what’s important here, but playing the game and instilling faith in myself is.  This is my new call to adventure.  After that, buying a motorcycle and going cross-country.  If I can do it all this summer coming up, I’ll pee myself.

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Filed under All about me, random thoughts, Self help

Why Jerry Hicks Died of Leukemia

I found out a few months ago that Jerry Hicks, the husband of Esther Hicks (Abraham), died slowly and painfully from leukemia.

In case you don’t know these guys, they’re a couple of new-age guru’s having amassed a following of spiritual seekers and devotee’s.  They are the “Law of Attraction” people.  Energy and flow masters.

why jerry hicks died of leukemia

Until Jerry died of cancer…

I want to tell you my own personal interpretation I acquired from our maker when I was under ayahuasca.

I asked ayahuasca about death and BOOM, she told me.

Me – “If people truly have free will, then why would they choose to die?”

Ayahuasca – “Everyone chooses their time of death.  To end their suffering, to let go and move on.”

Me – “But what about people killed in freak accidents, or war victims?”

Ayahuasca – “Whatever you fear, that fear will eventually happen.  The more fear you place on death, the sooner it will come.”

Me – “But what about having a choice?”

Ayahuasca – “Power of choice happens when you let go.  When you trust God.  Only then can you exercise free will.”

Me – “How do I let go of fear?”

Ayahuasca – “Only the strong one’s can let go.”

Me – “How do I become strong?”

Ayahuasca – “With suffering.”

We are all on the same level of evolutionary development.  These two purposed guru’s are no better than the rest of us (if they were better, they wouldn’t be here).  They have fear – no one is without having some kind of fear in this world.  And ALL fear comes from the one fear of death.

Jerry had to suffer to end his fear of death.  Leukemia ran in his family and so before he even got sick, he’d ask doctors to find a preventive cure instead of just treating the symptoms – and that question alone is laced with fear.

At the level of development we’re at now, it’s impossible to change the outcome of a chronic illness without a miracle.  We’re not able to do it because our free will has not reached it’s full potential.  There is no free will within ego.  Ego is fear.  Fear controls us.

When we get sick (really sick), we fight it with medicine because we’re scared to die.  If we have more hope (concrete belief) in the medicine working than we do with it not working, the medicine might work.  But if our fear of death outweighs our hope, death will win.  There is no choice in that.

I know I sound nuts, as usual.  I’m completely aware of that.

When we can learn how to love and not hate, to not be afraid and to trust, to be able to hop on the wave and direct it’s flow by believing in yourself (you are God), only then we’ll have complete control.

Greater is He that is in me, than He that is in the world

– 1 John 4:4

All of us are far from it.  Thousands of years from it.

When I was under ayahuasca and receiving answers from my inner self, I saw the plain truth to everything – and that truth is to never believe in anything that you yourself haven’t experienced.  Don’t believe in religion unless you experienced it – faith without substance is foolish.  Don’t believe guru’s because the absolute truth of reality is far too complex to ever be put into words.  It can only be experienced.

I seriously need to sleep.  I went on YouTube tonight and stumbled upon an Abraham video.  DO NOT believe everything guru’s tell you.  A real guru will admit he doesn’t have the answer to every riddle.  They don’t have all the answers because they haven’t experienced all the questions.

And that last sentence troubles me deeply.  When I asked ayahuasca what love was, she wouldn’t tell me.  I experienced the reason why she didn’t tell me about six months later while I was laying on my massage table in my office.  It happened after I let go of Amy, an emotionally abusive friend who didn’t want to speak to me anymore, and I said okay.  I said okay and completely and utterly let her go.

(However, if she called wanting to hang out, I’d see her.  It’s very wrong and damaging to abandon people out of your own fear and spite.  Damaging for both parties.  That is not the path to letting go.)

Anyway, the love I experienced was that of fear.  Of attachment.  It’s an illusion and part of the ego.  This is why people marry and cling to each other.  I have not experienced real love until I was able to let go of someone I supposedly “loved”.

It was pretty cool but…

I could not, would not, believe it.  It was too dreadful, too painful.  The love I’ve known all along was a lie – the love we all know is a lie.  Unless of course, it is truly unconditional.

I wasn’t on drugs or anything, but I still got visuals like being on an ayahuascan trip.  Death, decay, attachment, fear – it was all there.

Before we are born into this physical world, time is irrelevant.  We are placed in an era of time that matches our spiritual growth – that is why everyone in the wold today is in agreement that power, money, fear, envy, survival – all of that controls us because we agree with it.  We resonate with it.  It matches our shared frequency.

Survival makes us kill each other.  Compassion (understanding and awareness) does the opposite.  That’s why we don’t kill and eat animals that love us.  We kill and eat the things that are scared and volatile.  The animals who show no understanding, empathy, or connection.  We eat them and snuggle puppies.

The more immersed you are in fear, the more you must suffer to escape it.  It’s like being in a deep sleep.  A light tap won’t wake you, but a slap in the face will.  We are all slapping each other’s faces.  Most of all, our own.


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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help