There’s a guy that I think about every day. Not just every day, but several times a day. The last time I spoke to him, he was nearly homeless, penniless, without a car, no internet. Earning wages from temporary jobs. The kind of jobs that temporary work agencies provide (for a fee).
Me – “I’m thinking about giving my old car to Henry. Last time I talked to him he didn’t have a car. He’d be able to drive it if he fixes the alternator.”
My Brother – “Didn’t he turn into a bum?”
Me – “Yes.”
And every day I find myself too busy to call him.
I’d like to figure out what makes me too busy to call him. That’s the topic of todays entry. Just to warn you, I’m in one of my transfixed moods. Shit may get deep in this bitch. Booyah!
I’m changing my friends name to Henry just in case this blog takes off and I find myself sitting across from Oprah.
“You don’t like the phone. You have tons of hobbies. You have other friends who actually call you. You work a lot.”
That’s my rational brain talking. Sometimes she’s mean to me.
No rational brain, there’s got to be more to it than that.
I’m a creature of habit, and when something beckons forth outside my normal routine, I sidestep and label it as low priority – not crucial. It’s something that I don’t need, but may possibly want when I have the time.
Going out of my normal routine takes effort. It takes pain. The pain of not knowing if it’s worth the effort. The pain of not knowing if it’s worth going outside, while I’m so content here doing my own thing.
I know for certain that on several occasions I was going to call him, but stopped myself because he didn’t have a car. Calling him would mean that I’d have to pick him up or chill at his shit hole apartment. And I also skirted him a few times for fear that he was angry at me.
So that leaves me here. Him being too much of a pain in the ass to call.
Am I ascribing no worth to him? As in, he isn’t worth anything to me?
Hold the phone now and let’s think about this. Is that what I’m doing? Is he not worth one measly phone call?
This is a complicated (delicate) subject matter. And if I really think about it, peeling back all those shallow layers to find truth and reason, the stuff I’m too afraid to see, it all ties in with my structured philosophy about beliefs, ego, and the interdependence of everything.
I’m not calling him because he has no money and no car – plus he’s not part of my normal routine. Basically what it comes down to is that he’s only worth something to me if he can drive and stand alone independently. To be a man, in a sense.
I’m not a bad person. In fact, I’m pretty fantastic most of the time. But for someone like me to assign worth to a person based on mode of transportation and job, then I’m seriously afraid to see how others think. I’m not that kind of person! At least, I thought I wasn’t…
And what’s horrible about it is that I feel I can’t help it. I can’t change this about me. But why? Because of the interconnectedness of the matrix? Because of the law of fives? What others believe about themselves, others will also believe?
I’m digging very deep here. Very very deep indeed. But stay with me!
I care about this guy and I think he’s super smart – I’m not just saying that, I mean it. His sensitivity coupled with his intelligence is what makes us compatible. People with little sensitivity coupled with shallowness – I have no connection with. It’s like they’re traveling away from being human and to have meaning.
But (and this is a big but), I can’t get past – no matter how hard I try to wrap my head around it – I can’t get past my subconscious beliefs of feeling that he’s not worth anything to me unless he finds a decent job and a car (any car).
How can I be so shallow while being in-depth at the same time? Am I living in denial? Can I not see past my ego?
Let’s see if this ties in with my structured philosophy (which I want to write a comprehensive book about entitled “The Ayahuasca Dialogs”)…..
Could it possibly be coming from him?
“You’re placing blame to quell your guilt.”
No, shut up rational brain! Just listen for a moment, will you? I said before that nobody is ever blameless, which means he’s not blameless either.
Ayahuasca told me that we are all here on separate journeys, independent from one another. But she also showed me how the ego illusion connects us. Our shared beliefs connects us.
We share and take part in a grand-scale illusion that we all help build together. Built upon beliefs and perceptions that are dependent on the beliefs and perceptions of others and on and on it goes. We get tied in with….DUN dun DUN….the matrix.
It’s one shared energy body – one shared dream. Held together by the gravitational pull of fear – of death. Where there is no faith (fear of death, not trusting God [who is you!]), there will be fear.
Ego = Fear
And we can’t escape from it.
Henry believes that he’s not worth anything (father issues I won’t get into). He justify’s his assumptions with proof. He uses the Law of Fives (karma), to find exactly what he already knows to be true. That he is in fact, worthless.
All your fears will come true. This is karma. Karma is the obstacle – the lesson – while fear is the river it navigates in. When the worst happens, there’s nothing more to be afraid of. It’s a lesson in strength. And gaining strength is the only way for us to evolve and move forward – it’s the sole purpose for us being here.
Unless you’re afraid of the worst happening again, you will stay with that fear because you can’t let go.
I befriend people who are honest, rational, sensitive, kind, aware, and smart. In one word, real. A person who’s aware of their effect on others. I don’t care about status, power, money, education – as long as they’re real and know themselves, they’ll have a common connection with me.
Henry is this type of person. He’s real. This is what makes it all so damn complicated – I should want to see him.
If he didn’t need others for validation, and if he stopped searching to prove his fears, his fear of being worthless would fade away. He’ll let go and let others in.
Mostly everyone is guarded in some way. They want to control how they appear to others so they can manipulate feelings. They shrug their shoulders and say they don’t care, but even that is an appearance – an appearance they approve of and want to be seen as. It’s all fake.
I’m one of the best manipulators that I know. I’m also one of the most guarded people that I know. I’m cynical, have little trust in people, and believe they are shallow sheep letting the government and society shave off their worth for profits.
I’m manipulative in the way of wanting to make others feel good. If I make others feel good, I feel good. And when I’m on target, I gain attention from people.
Over the years, I linked attention (any attention), with feelings of pleasure. It’s science. It’s when the brain makes associations like with Pavlov’s dog.
And all that’s left are bells and whistles. No substance, no value, just an empty sales pitch that makes you salivate from the sound of it.
So, I can be a manipulator for attention. But the true origin of my manipulations come from wanting to make others feel good. My original intention becomes lost.
While being guarded, and a manipulator for attention, you lose yourself to the ego illusion and become unaware of yourself and your actions. You lose your realness – you lose you.
I have to consciously tell myself over and over to stop and let go. That I won’t be hurt without attention. And that I love myself way too much to ever be hurt.
ALL mental illness and afflictions stem from avoiding pain (this is actually said by the psychologist who wrote A Road Less Traveled).
When you love yourself with everything that you have, your belief and faith rises above all pain. This is strength. Compassion for yourself. This is evolution, awareness. Escape is not rising, neither is denial, shallow, or selfishness. Live with it until you let go.
And sadly, when this is experienced, it’s a pulling away from others. It’s a separation from the shared ego illusion. You’ll start to see others for their separateness, uniqueness, and flawed beauty. But the most important thing you’ll witness, is their true potential.
This is compassion, transcendental love – when you see something in a person that they’re unable to see for themselves. It’s inspiration.
The thing is, since there’s a heavy interconnectedness among everyone – and everything is dependent on everything else to ensure the ego’s survival – when you’re around a person with abnormally low faith and belief in themselves, their own fear has the chance of pulling you down with them.
Ayahuasca taught me that fear is like gravity. It sucks you in. It’s the same with evil – fear is evil. The only evil is fear.
So, not only is Henry’s belief about being worthless effecting how others perceive him, but it’s our inherent nature for growth and expansion that keeps us astray from those we consider “beneath” us.
That old saying “you are who your friends are,” is true. We level each other out.
When you cling to a person for validation, what you’re actually doing is leveling them out. You take away from them and give to you.
And when that person is completely leveled, the abuser abandons their own creation because there is nothing left to take.
Everything is interdependent. No one is ever blameless.
If I were to call Henry, and he starts his usual clingy escapades and getting angry at me over stupid stuff – and I feel hurt, worthless, and become clingy on him – I will end up trapped inside his web of illusions where his fears become my own. This is how most relationships work. There is always someone who’s stronger, and the weaker will always attack and feel threatened. Usually in the most hidden, manipulative ways.
Shit, what time is it? 9PM. I was done with work an hour ago. I should start packing it up. This is going to be a feet pajama kind of night for tomorrow I sleep in!
But first, what shall I do about Henry? I’ll call him. Besides, this whole mumbo jumbo might just be a way for me to escape the blame of being a bad friend. Maybe rational brain is right.
“No, no, now don’t rule out everything you just wrote. You might be on to something. Just try to remain open, don’t transfix too much.”
I’m transfixing right now.
“You’re a philosopher who had a crazy experience with ayahuasca, and you like to write. What do you expect? You are the product of your experiences. Just as Henry is the product of his. And the fact that you’re even writing about this, shows you care.”
Holy crap you’re being nice to me tonight.
“Don’t push it.”
“Perceptions are based on a faulty biased belief system. Experiences are the pedicle of your perceptions, beliefs are the inner eyes you use to see and experience the world.”
“I’m saying you’re right ding bat. Even if the law of attraction is only a bunch of new age bullshit, science and psychology can prove that people create their own hell inside their heads. Their beliefs and thought patterns push people away. They push them away to protect themselves. And the world becomes a stage to prove their beliefs are valid. As long as they are valid, they will always be right. And whist they are in the right, they are protected. They discredit the worth of others to impune themselves, protect themselves against what others see in them. It’s because of their own lack of self worth, they discredit the worth of others.”
Okay, um…wow. So we agree on something then? Are you done using big words with your im-puny brain?
“Don’t you need to go home?”
Gah, if I go home now I’ll stop writing.
“Maybe that’s a good thing. Quit while we’re in agreement.”
You know, I don’t think I’d ever write posts like these if I still worked at Massage Envy. Spending 45 minutes at Starbucks in-between clients wouldn’t cut it.
“Yes, yes, I know. Go home!”
This is an all day event.
“Okay okay, I got it! Leave!”
What’s the hurry?
“I want to be in those damn feet pajama’s.”