“The world is a strange place and I’m the harbinger of strange.”
Oh yeah that’s right, I quoted myself.
If you really understood the nuts and bolts of the universe, you’d see that it’s more strange than you or I can possibly imagine. Shit blows my mind!
It’s crazy because everyone’s running in the opposite direction while I’m staring directly at the sun.
My rods and cones are still hypersensitive because of a bad decision I made before owning my first pair of sunglasses.
But I’m still staring (metaphorically speaking) into the sun.
Am I being self-absorbed by thinking I’m the only one who does this?
But what is it exactly, that I’m doing?
God is the strangeness of the universe and religion is the comfort that holds us away from the strangeness. We only embrace the parts we can understand and agree with.
I’m talking about the stuff we don’t understand or agree with. I’m talking about curiosity. The curiosity that spurs us into gazing at the sun.
That’s what I like to do in my free time.
I’m probably not the only person who does this so okay, I was being self-absorbed. I write a freaking blog what do you expect?
I’m watching a show called My Strange Addiction. Everyone has addictions, not just these toilet paper munching thumb suckers you see here on tv. We all crave comfort and security, but we each have our own unique way of acquiring it.
Money, power, love without compassion (validation), cravings, longings, sentiments.
Everyone’s addicted to something and it’s to escape the strange. You want to know my unique way?
“I’m not in the mood tonight, but go ahead, what is it?”
Logic and reason.
“What’s that you say bonehead?”
Logic and reason. Yes, there I said it.
“You do realize that in order for you to possess logic and reason, you have to retain the mind of a child?”
Oh I have that! Most of my friends stopped talking to me because they say I’m a child!
“That’s something different, no. I mean you have to be fascinated, curious, and be able to push your ego aside. Not all children have a child’s mind. If you feel entitled, or attention deprived, that is not the child’s mind I speak of.”
Well, my ego is totally shattered. Totes my goats it’s shattered.
“It’s totes magotes, and that’s good. Once the ego is pushed aside, you become wise enough to know that you don’t know. Fascination and curiosity ensues.”
Okay, so what’s on the agenda for tonight?
“I don’t know. I feel like we talked about everything already. We’re almost up to 700 posts.”
Did you know that the average blog lasts an average of 3 years?
“I guess we made it over the hump then, huh?”
So it seems.
“Do you have any strange addictions? Be honest now or it won’t count.”
Okay hold on I’m thinking….
I always turn on the portable heater in my bathroom whenever I go.
“Why does everything always lead to shit with you?”
No it doesn’t.
“That’s not an addiction. It’s a habit. It would be an addiction if you carried the heater around with you all day. Try again.”
I log into my online banking account everyday.
“That’s playing it safe by making sure nobody hacked into your account. Try again.”
I swear, the only thing I can think of is logic and reason. That’s what I’m addicted to!
“You’re so full of shit.”
Let me turn on the heater.
“Here’s a topic; what’s the difference between habit and addiction?”
Habits are unaware. Like thinking patterns, picking at your cuticles, or sniffing your fingers.
“Gross, you sniff your fingers?”
Addictions are a need that can’t be changed or modified, but habits can be altered. You can let go of a bad habit, but you can’t let go of a need.
“This isn’t interesting enough for me.”
Yeah, I know, me neither.
“Are you seriously too lazy to think tonight? Come on Mel, you never get bored.”
I know it’s insanity! So this is what bored people feel like? No wonder why everyone keeps busy. It feels isolating.
“Why does boredom feel isolating while writing vivaciously in your blog doesn’t? They are essentially both isolating. Expand on that.”
Okay…..um, well, because when I write, I’m enough for myself. I don’t need anything to fill the void because I’m doing it all myself.
“But you’re still escaping the strangeness. You’re still latching on to something that comforts you. What you’re doing is no different than what others do when they keep themselves busy.”
But I hate being busy!
“You hate being busy because you already are busy. You’re busy with your stupid logic and reason meanderings. Can’t you see that everything’s relative? And your so-called logic comes from your ego because you can’t escape the fear. What you’re doing is self-defeating. Where there is fear, there is no logic.”
But being aware of the fear – is! Logic is awareness. Haven’t I already wrote about that?
“None of this makes any sense and you’re talking in circles.”
I shouldn’t publish this post, should I?
Let’s try to redeem! Let me say something brilliant before deleting this mess.
“Okay, out with it then.”
I’m going to have to sleep on it.
“You do that.”
Hey now they can’t all be winners. Pobody’s nerfect.
It’s now the next day. I slept on it, but still no dice.
Okay, how about this….
Everybody believes they have free will, right?
Not so fast there bucko. We are never truly free to make our own choices so long as we are governed by the great almighty ego princess. I call her the ego princess because she feels entitled to her thrown. Without her thrown, she is nothing. She is nothing because she has nothing.
“Nothing” is that great big void I keep referring to. Just about everyone deny’s the existence of it, and because we deny it, we deny ourselves. We are the void.
So how do we confront the void? By facing our truest (cruelest) intensions, that’s how.
The truth is never complicated, but emotions are. The more you align yourself with truth, logic and reason, the more you simplify your emotions. You abrade your emotions down until there’s nothing left of them but pure intention.
This is the way of living through and from your heart. By wearing it on your sleeve. You don’t hide behind manipulations, power struggles, or fear – you hand over your power willingly to avoid struggle.
This is compassion. And mostly everyone’s bereft of it. They’re bereft of it because people don’t trust enough to let go. They have no faith in themselves.
It’s so crazy that I see all this happening around me. Like I’m peering into a looking glass where people believe they have full control, but they’re holding on too tightly to the things that define them because they can’t define themselves.
The ego princess.
Anyway, I’m sick. I was hopped up on NyQuil last night because my stupid electronic cigarette got me sick again. I really need to stop using it.
I’m in work waiting for my next client whom should be here in two hours.
I’m spent on writing for today, so I’m going to lay on my massage table with the lights on low, candles lit, and listen to an audiobook.