Here’s some more stuff that I think about

Man-o-man I’m tired.  I went out last night playing cards and drinking beer over a friends house.  My one drink maximum turned into several and I ended up going home at 1:30 AM.

I have to stop doing this.  I have no control.  If you knew me in person, you would understand this about me.  I’m not embellishing.

I’m in work waiting for my next client to get here.  Lucky for me I only have to give two massages today, and then I get to go home and nap for as long as my phone allows.  But you’re not going to let me nap, are you blog?

“Ha!  Napping’s for suckers with binky’s.”

You’re a sucker with a binky!

“Pfff, pansy.”

Anyway, on Christmas I stumbled upon another insight.  Only this time, it wasn’t handed down to me by the almighty “knowing” power that’s out there.  No, I actually used my brain for this one.

It has to do with people who think they’re “too good” for others.  They use the excuse, “well, we just don’t have anything in common”, as their main reasoning.

There are several people I know who told me that they’re either “too good” for someone, or that they have nothing in common with them (most of the time both).  They say this about friends they’ve known for years.  They say it about people who care about them.

And the people who say these things are either divorced or going through a separation.

“Where’s the connection?”  I thought to myself.  “Do they just not want to get hurt again?”

“No, it’s not that simple.”

I’ll use crazy John as an example for this.  He’s the guy I wrote about in my last post.  He’s the guy who felt that he was too good for everyone and dismissed us all by saying we’re all crazy.

Here is what my analytic brain came up with:

John is divorced with two kids.  His wife left him, and not the other way around.  This left a scar on him.  It left the scar of rejection and of not feeling like he was enough for his wife.  He feels not good enough for the person he cares most about.

If John believes he’s not good enough, and agree’s with his ex-wife, then the people in his life who actually do care, won’t be good enough for him.  They’re not good enough because he’s not good enough for himself.

Oh man how can I explain this better?  I said it perfectly in my head on Christmas.

Basically, the only people who are good enough for him, are the one’s who don’t actually care about him.  They’re more valuable to him because he has yet to win their approval and respect.  If he can somehow win their approval, than maybe he can win his wife’s approval too (hence, regaining his power).  But it has to be won by a woman (or man, or people) more attractive, and overall more awesome than his wife.

Anything less will not count.

And because he doesn’t think of himself as being enough, he brags and boasts about his riches to prove that he is enough.  Also, he is undeniably jealous of anyone who is successful and happy.  He’s jealous because he believes (subconsciously) that he can’t have what they have.

His belief in himself was taken away.  No belief = jealousy.  Jealousy = narcissism.

Okay, here’s another way of looking at it;  John misses his wife and nobody can fill the void she left in him.  And because nobody can fill that void, nobody is good enough for him.

I said it better in my head at Christmas.

My next client is going to be 17 minutes late.

John – “I’m a VP in Manhattan and I have money and the life that goes with it.  If you want that life, than give me a call.  That’s all I’m saying.”

Me – “Sometimes it’s not about the life.  It’s about the person.”

(That was an actual discussion we had – it happened after he circled around and I lost him to his ego again.)

I think this is where the initial urge comes from.  The urge for validation that happens when you don’t believe or have faith in yourself.  It all starts with a separation of someone who once approved of you.  They stole your power and left you with nothing.

John’s father and his ex-wife left him powerless.

Gah my last client tried ripping me off!

Me – “Is this a half hour massage?”

I like to double check to cover all my bases.

Him – “That’s right.”

Me – “Since it’s only a half hour, do you want me to just focus on your upper body?”

Him – “No, I like it all over and with a little extra focus on the feet.”

Me – “Okay.”

(I was pissed.  It’s nearly impossible to do this in 30 minutes.)

Him – “Can I make it an hour if the half hour isn’t enough?  I just don’t know if I can do an hour just yet because I’m running an ad.”

Scam!  You are a total scammer!  First off, you were 20 minutes late, you’re calmly chatting with me while in no rush.  Time is obviously no issue for you.  Your phone is in your bag turned off.

Me – “Yeah, that’s fine.”

HIm – “How much is a half hour?”

Me – “$35.”

Him – “And how much for the hour?”

Me – “$70.”

Him – “Okay, is it okay if I use the bathroom first?”

Me – “Sure.”

He was trying to get me to give him a full hour massage without having to pay for it.  I know this scam.  Most of the time it happens inadvertently, very few times has it actually happened on purpose (with a scammer).

I gave him exactly 30 minutes and managed to massage the full body.

Me – “Sorry, it goes by fast.”

HIm – “So if I get the hour, would you just go over everything like you just did?”

Me – “That’s the hard part.  It’s hard giving a massage when I don’t know how much time I have to give it in.”

Him – “Oh, okay.  I’ll get the full hour next time.”

Then of course, he asked me out.  He asked me out because if he couldn’t score a full hour massage for half the price, then at least he can score a date.  I felt it in my guts what was happening.

Me – “Oh, no….no thanks….”

I was too tired to be nice.  I didn’t care at that point.

So anyways, it’s already almost 5 PM and I’m still sitting here at work.  So much for my nap.

I’m really not a hard, cold person.  I may sound like I am, but I only sound like it because I see through people.  I see through everyone and it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I have an incredible insight into the inner workings of people.  I am NOT boasting here.  It’s just that I can’t be fooled by anyone.  I know people better than they know themselves because I’m an outside viewer not emotionally entangled in their ego illusion.  Their beliefs aren’t my own.

Ego connects as much as it separates us from each other.  Compassion happens when you see this happening.  Compassion is not the love you think it is, which is why I want to write about it in my next post.  Our literal definition of compassion doesn’t sit well with me.  It manages to be both vague and narrow (I know that doesn’t make much sense).

2 Comments

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

2 responses to “Here’s some more stuff that I think about

  1. Pingback: The Sermon Under the Tree (The Chan Tao or Zendo Sutra)(The Janaka or the Jnana Upanishad) | Shivastus Solomonicus

  2. cherished79

    Thanks for linking my blog. Deb

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