Please look away while I slog the blog

My mom just got back from the nursing home after having her knee replaced.  While she was gone, I made myself revolting concoctions such as grits smothered in gravy.

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Or tomato soup with a handful of pretzels thrown in.

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I wouldn’t say it’s revolting.  Revolting is a strong word.  To me it’s delectably scrumptious.

I have to get used to this foray of deliciousness for when I move out of my parents house.  When I move out, I’ll post pic’s of ramen noodles with an egg dropped in, or spam with a slathering of mayo on a cracker.  My tummy is already making crazed YUM sounds.

I’m in work waiting for my next client.  I have three 90 minute sessions back to back.  It feels like a prison sentence.

I shouldn’t be feeling like this!

I thought it would be different owning my own business – and it IS different and better in so many ways, but I don’t want to be here.  I am not a massage therapist, although everyone loves me and they all think I’m great at it (I made over a grand this week!).  But this isn’t me.  If this were me, every day would feel like an adventurous challenge – a way of developing my true limitless potential.

But instead, I have to give three 90 minute massage while I’m half-asleep.

I need a plan.  Planning has to do with looking at my future.

“Well, duh.”

“Shush, quiet you!”

Planning my future is not what escapists such as myself, like to do.

First 90 minute client done.

My Escapist Self wants to buy a motorcycle and my Planning Self wants to move out of my parents house and go to college.  My heart wants both things, but which is smarter?  Aha, now that’s the question.

Damn.  I’m not a planner.  Looking at the future feels like looking down a long hard road devoid of fun, you know what I mean?  I’m a pleasure seeker and not a nut gatherer.  Especially when my dreams feel unobtainable.  My cheeks can’t fit all the nuts I want.

“Ha ha, can’t munch on all those tasty nuts huh?”

“Keep quiet you!”

I’m finally sticking up for myself in my inner dialog.  I’m not crazy anymore!  Haha, you’re the nut!  No you are!

My brother got in a fight with his girlfriend so now he’s living back home sleeping on the couch with his big boxer dog, Cassius.  Our basement is destroyed with his stuff.  It’s never been more cluttered or more messy.  His clothes are lying everywhere in the bathroom, along with his array of top-notch beauty products.

My brother is a big masculine man with tattoo’s and a shaved head, but he has more beauty products than I do.  I have soap and shampoo, while he has moisturizers, eye creams, face wash.  And on some nights, he brings his new girlfriend over for a slumber party.  She’s is in her 40’s, clearly a milf, and they both enjoy sleeping on the couch together while Cassius, the slobber geyser, jumps all over them in their peaceful slumber.

I hate to say it but when I’m 40, I hope to never find myself sharing a couch with a big man and his meat-head dog living in his parents demolished basement.  I can safely say that I never possessed the patience for that kind of stuff.

Call me a princess, but I always preferred the sanctity of my own bed.

Or maybe I just never loved anyone that much…..Yep, that sounds about right.

But being the social sort that I am, I enjoy him and his girlfriend living with me in my dark cave dwelling.  It’s like having a live-in drinking buddy who makes killer Bloody Mary’s.

Anyway, my brother isn’t a planner either.  All his life, he depended on other people.  This is what happens when you depend on other people.  You’re left with nothing in the end.  It’s the same thing as depending on others to fill your void – the void of not believing or loving yourself.  If you can’t fill the void yourself, you’ll be left with nothing in the end.

People turn to God, booze, drugs, or cling to relationships.  They do this to escape the loneliness (which I shall write about in my next post).

Where are you second 90 minute client?

My top TOP priority at the moment is paying off my debt.  I have around $4,700 in the bank, and I owe $4,500.  Okay, scratch that.  I only owe $3,200 (I just paid my bill online whilst we speaketh).

Damn, this guy isn’t showing up.  He’s 11 minutes late.

Second client done.

It’s now the next day.  And once again, I’m here at work.

Boop bee boop.

So tired….

I have stuff I want to write but I’ll save it for a different post.

I just want to add real quick that this whole job of future planning crap reminds me of walking the Camino.

I walked and walked, trying to figure out why I was walking until I realized, “my purpose is the walk itself.  I’m here to see if I can accomplish the long walk.”

After having that insight, my head straightened and my gait metamorphosed into a focused and determined stride.  I walked with a purpose after figuring out the most obvious answer to why I was there.

Purpose….

An obtainable goal….

These two things are intertwined.  The minute I find my ultimate purpose (escape), I will put all my effort into my business.  If my business can lift me up to an obtainable goal, my eyes will become clear.  I’ll find my dignity.

I have a looming suspicion that if I settle on how things are now, I will lose my fire, lose myself, and worse of all – become even more stupider than I already am.

Peace out trouts!  

I’m going to dig in my toes for grout.  

Humming a melody of sweet sorrowful pride,

while I dig in my toenails to see what’s hidden inside.  

*

*

Ohh-kay…I have no idea where that came from.  But yes, I do take pride in taking care of my own feet.

4 Comments

Filed under All about me, humor, journal, Odes

4 responses to “Please look away while I slog the blog

  1. Mmmmm – grits and gravy. Best Wishes to you and yours 🙂

  2. Thanks so much for linking me up Melanie!
    Sounds like you too are a bit of a world traveller – as for finding your purpose, I would liken that journey to an around-the-world backpacking trip that my wife and I took years ago – after months of exploring the world, we discovered that the place we would/should call home was the exact place that we departed from. Cheers and Merry Christmas!

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