I’m sick today. I’m sick and my brain refuses to wake up. I have Buddy the Elf’s maple syrup lodged between my ears. I will pour my syrup brain into my blog before pouring it all over my spaghetti dinner.
Let’s begin this sticky brigade of gluey words, shall we?
First, let’s address my current state of mind. I’ll address it and analyze the crap out of it by utilizing savory digestible analogies. Analogies covered with maple syrup that is.
I am sickeningly lazy. And when I’m run down (like I am today), my loafing skills become deeply enhanced. I want to plan my next big leap in life, but every enticing road I look down feels exhausting.
Every road, every choice, and every possible outcome looks exhausting and unfathomable. It’s like my post, Perspective: Embarrassment vs Fortunate, never happened. I am too weak, too lazy, and too dumb to accomplish anything. I am stuck. I’m not good enough, nor am I brilliant enough, for anything.
I can see this shift so clearly. I can see why people settle into their fears and illusions. They are comforting. Accepting that you’re incapable of doing what others can, gives you peace (or depression and resentment when dealing with your peers, but I already wrote about that not too long ago). When you know you can’t do something, you lose your desire to accomplish it. You lose your desire, and praise the people who can do what you (and others) can’t.
The fire goes out in you, but you shine it on somebody else – someone who offers you hope and amenity against the gnawing fear of incompleteness (lack of faith). The burden gets lifted and placed on stronger shoulders. Shoulders that you appoint more value to than your own (but peers should be of equal value, that’s where resentment comes from).
Ah, what a relief.
You appoint yourself a representative. Someone who is capable of achieving your goals and can clearly state what’s in your heart.
“If they can do it, that’s enough for me. I accept myself and my life as it is.”
I write a lot about letting go, but you should never let go of your dreams – you let go of your fears, but never your dreams. Even if that dream hurts you, your light inside will never grow cold.
In my current state of physical and mental health, I desire nothing but rest. Nobody’s praising me these days.
Ayahuasca told me that everything in this world is a game. Everything!
Ego games to be more precise. They are ego, self-fulfilling games bereft of compassion by means of using our ego, reptilian laced monkey brains to survive and win.
(Walking the Camino was an ego game. Although, nobody would ever admit to it.)
And wherever there is judgement and inequality, there will be war.
Where there is no compassion, there is no honesty. Without honesty, there is no understanding. And without understanding, there is blind judgement and “justice”.
When you stop believing in yourself, compassion for yourself is gone. It’s like holding up the white flag to your fears. And since you lack compassion for yourself, you judge yourself based on your ineptitude.
You feel the need to shine your light onto someone else (to ease the burden), but you end up judging them too. You judge them for the same reasons why you judge yourself. Their ineptitude only emphasizes your own. You want to beat it out of them with “tough love” because no one (not even yourself) gave you the compassion (understanding) you needed in the time you were calling for it.
Hurting others is a way to stop the hurt that’s inside you.
When you believe you’re not good enough (or doubt arises), you stop playing your game and instead, you play someone else’s. Whoever you give your praise to, you fight their fight. You become a pawn in their battle. They see your white flag waving in the stench of despair and will gladly hold you close to their bosom.
This is why people gossip. To find pledges of allegiance to those willing to fight on their side. The more pledges, the more powerful.
Even if you’re an escapist like I am, you’re still playing at being a pawn. Unless you’re living on your own island, you will always be a pawn in the grand scheme of things. Interdependence of everything, remember?
Ayahuasca told me that ego is an illusion and that all the world is an illusion, inbred with ego. She told me that everything is a game, but it can be immensely fun and rewarding to play in these games. If that is, you get off your lazy ass and play instead of having someone else move your pieces around for you.
I want to start a new game. A new goal. And like with any game, it’s self-fulfilling.
In my particular game, it’s a war against my laziness and inability to commit to anything. I have to act as my own cold compassionate mirror (as we all do), in order to keep the fire lit inside me. So I don’t lose clarity of what’s important – faith in myself, and compassion for everyone (including myself).
You can lose yourself in a game. Being aware of your intensions keeps you locked in understanding (compassion) mode.
No one but myself can lift my passive (lazy) burden. If I wanted to accept my laziness, I’ll have to accept depending on other people. I’ll shine my light on them. Becoming their pawn, their property. Letting them tell me what to do, what to believe, and what to fight for. And if I don’t like it, I’ll only have myself to blame.
The game against my idleness is the game bestowed upon me by the universe. It’s my true game. It’s why I’m here. It’s the game I’m supposed to be playing, but I continually escape from it.
I escape by settling into my little business, one that offers me everything I need. I have 14 clients this week, 9 of which I’ve seen before. Yes I can live on this, but this road lacks challenges. This road doesn’t expand myself by letting me witness my true potential. Taking a motorcycle trip, writing a blog, a book, seeing the world and such, all those are escapes. Escaping from the real work I still need to do. The real work I have to commit myself to doing.
The Camino was an ego game, sure, but the purpose of the game was to instill faith in myself that I can actually do it. Games are meant to instill faith in ourselves and we can’t escape the suffering that’s needed to broaden and strengthen us.
This is why life is suffering, so we can find faith.
I want to move out of my parents house, but I don’t want to work the extra hours to cover the cost. So what do I do since I don’t wish to fight this fight? I live at my parents house, putting the burden on them (although they love this particular burden).
Life would be so much easier if I settled down with someone. But it’s not my time. I know it’s not my time because I haven’t found the one. Read my “Why I Don’t Date” trilogy and you’ll understand.
I am not complete yet. I have to work on myself first. I have to play this stupid game that the universe keeps shoving in my face, and maybe, just maybe when I’m old and grey, when there’s a little more compassion in the world, I’ll settle down.
If I settled down now, I’ll either be completely miserable, or divorced in a few years. I’ll have years of regret wishing I didn’t escape my one particular battle. Marrying someone now, would be just another way to escape and forget.
“Choose your game wisely.” Ayahuasca said.
“You DO have to choose.” Is what I say. Choose it before it chooses you. Choose it before whoever you are inside is eaten away.
When you don’t play the game,
limbo is your bane.
Being a pawn on somebody else’s board,
Leaves your true potential
And don’t do speed. That was a bad idea in my last post.
- My Adventures With Ayahuasca: The Vine Of The Soul (therealityfiles.com)
- Ayahuasca Love Spells (thebestlovespell.com)
- Self-compassion: radical honesty (ellyvanlaar.wordpress.com)
- Compassion (cerridwenscauldron.wordpress.com)
- The Best Love Spell Ayahuasca Retreat Centre, Peru (thebestlovespell.com)
- Impossible was made possible (mosesloh97.wordpress.com)
- compassion never hurt (deywalker.wordpress.com)
- Relief! (victoriesandgratitudes.wordpress.com)
- Burden of Proof (arbitraryauthority.com)
- How to Receive What God Wants to Give (missionnotes.com)