Perspective: Embarrassment vs Fortunate

This has been a very long year for me.  So long in fact, that I became overly aware of the changing seasons.  Each season leached on to me, sucking on my skin like a pair of wet leather pants.  Not being able to get them off.  Life didn’t feel like a downhill luge, but an uphill medieval crusade.  One that I battled alone with my dull, rusty wits.

Until that is, I was on my sled sliding down the days this past week.  It went by fast.  Lightening fast.  Why?  Hold your horses and I’ll tell you.

I bought a flat screen TV not too long ago and with it came the rediscovery of Skyrim V.  Skyrim is of course, a video game (role playing to be exact).  And all I want to do lately is play it.  I don’t care about blogging, reading, expanding myself, no.  Give me game Mellie wants game.

When I’m not reflecting, analyzing, contemplating, the days whiz by.

I’m in work waiting for my last client to get here.

Okay, last client done.  If I don’t write this post right here right now (while I’m still at work), I’ll never write it.  But I must make it quick quick like a bunny cause Mellie wants game.

Here’s the thing…

I’m going on 34 years old, I live at home in my parents dusty basement, and I play video games (all day mind you).

I know what you’re thinking….

But hear me out before you judge.

Instead of feeling embarrassed for the way I live my life, I feel fortunate.  This has always been the case with me.

“Yeah yeah Melanie, here we go again.  You and your proud statements.”

No wait!  That’s not fair.  I just thought of this whole thing while massaging my last client and it sounded really good in my head (good and true).  Let me explain.

The reason why I feel fortunate is because I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing.  My sails are up and I’m cruising down the Mississippi like Tom Sawyer.  Bills are paid, belly fed, heart whole, successful ventures and ad-ventures ahead.  Thar she blows.

The reason why I don’t feel embarrassed is because I believe with every ounce of my being that I can have, be, or do anything.  I can move out of my parents basement if I truly wanted.  I have the funds to do it.  Anyone can move out!

I can go on and find the love of my life (it’s my backup plan that I know will work) – if I wanted it badly enough.

I can have a baby.  Anyone can have a baby whether it be all natural or adoption.  I can do it.  I can have and do anything that everyone else in today’s society has or does.

This is why I don’t feel embarrassed.  I truly believe that I don’t lack anything.  If I felt embarrassed, it would be from judging myself based on what other people think of me.  If I believe what people thought of me, I would hide away avoiding everyone.  My face would be burning hot with resentment, embarrassment, and maybe even jealousy.

I would feel embarrassment if I had no faith in myself.  Lacking faith, compassion, and love for yourself deprives you of living wholeheartedly.  Feeling “less than” anyone would make you feel undeserving if anything good did come your way.  You’d be sure to sabotage it, and continue believing that you can’t have what others have.  You’re not smart enough, gifted enough, courageous enough…

In all honesty, I know it’s hard to swallow, but I never felt this way.

“You’re such a liar!  If you never felt it, than how do you know what it feels like?”

Years of analyzing, my friend.  Years upon years of empathizing.  I learned from others how to be strong and how to believe in myself.  Where they lacked, I saw courage in myself to believe that there ain’t no mountain high enough baby.

And okay, maybe I felt it for a fleeting wisp of a moment, but I saw no point in fixating on it.  Why would anyone want to hold onto limiting beliefs?  How does that feel good?  I’m addicted to feeling good.

“Sometimes it’s reality, and not perspective.  Sometimes that’s the truth of things, the way they are.  Don’t you teach acceptance Melanie?  Acceptance of things as they are?”

Well, call me an optimist, but I’m one of those people who believes that reality is based on perception and perspective.  Perception coming first, and then perspective comes from deciphering your perception.  If science can’t prove me wrong (if anything, they prove me right), then I will continue in my tirade of never getting embarrassed, never feeling resentment, and living in a world where anything is possible.  Call me crazy, but I choose it.

So, I choose to play my video game.  I don’t always obsess over games, but if this winter calls for a vacation in front of my new TV, so be it.

That’s all it is really – my way of vacationing outside my head for a while.  We’re all escaping something and no, I won’t deny it.

I asked a question a few weeks back about what I want most out of life.  All I could come up with was buying a motorcycle and going cross country.  I feel the same amount of excitement about going cross country on a motorcycle that I have for my video game (and blog).  After my trip, I’ll find something else to get me excited.  But for now, motorcycle trip is number one.

I don’t know why it’s number one, but I feel it in my bones.  I don’t just want to do it, I have to do it.  Like someone wanting a baby, or a specific job – it can’t be explained why you want it, but you do.

Freedom?  Adventure?  Self-reliance?  Seeing a beautiful landscape?  Making every drop of this life matter?  All of that is included in the bundle of why I want to do it.

Ayahuasca taught me that I will never fail while following my heart.  We progress rapidly in our evolutionary development whenever we follow our hearts.

“Okay shut-up with all that nonsense already.”

Jeez, I’m really hard on myself…

Anyway, all that aside, I’m not going to be posting as much as I used to.  Just for the time being at least (not forever).  With my new obsession of audiobooks, my video game, and the book I’m writing – my blog needs to be put on lay-a-way.

I’m home now.  My Mom is at the hospital getting a knee replacement, so I cooked myself grits with gravy tonight.  They are instant grits from a packet.  I loaded a bunch of gravy in it, stirred it around and made gravy grit soup.

It is truly repulsive to look at.  Oh man I ate it all already.  I should’ve taken a picture!

My aunt – “What’s that?”

Me – “Grits and gravy.”

She muffled her first response of saying “ew”.  I heard it in her voice.  And instead she said something like, “oh thats…good.”

It’s delicious.  I’ll take a pic of it tomorrow.


Filed under philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Uncategorized

5 responses to “Perspective: Embarrassment vs Fortunate

  1. Ava

    Hope your mom heals fast and that everyone has a great Christmas! Stay warm and take care of those thumbs, you gamer, you!

    • Thanks Ava! I definitely have to watch my thumbs. My thumbs are like gold mines to me. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. I’ll hopefully get to see you this summer.

  2. Ava

    Would love that! Still hoping to get to Columbia too!

    • Me too. I need to go back to Columbia. I’m ready for more answers. If we go back, or if you go without me, let me know and I’ll write you up a cheat sheet on what to expect and how to handle ayahuasca.

  3. Pingback: War Games | Melanie's Life Online

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