Why I don’t date: Part 3

Me – “I’m trying to pay off my debt but I keep buying stuff.  Last week I bought a new video camera so I can film myself working out to the P90X.”

Client – “Oh really?”

Me – “Yeah, it works great.  It’s great motivation.  I used it for that one day and haven’t picked it up since.”

He laughed and asked me what kind of beer I liked.

Me – “Sam Adams, bud light, hefeweizen is pretty good too.”

Client – “Next time I see you, I’m going to bring you a present.  Either that or we can go upstairs to the restaurant and have a drink.”

Me – “Uh, ha yeah either way works for me.”

How am I supposed to respond to that?  To a married man no less?

Instead of being mindfully aware of my actions, I let my selfishness take over.  All I wanted was to make him happy enough so he’ll come back to buy yet another massage from me.

Me – “Either way works.  You can’t go wrong with beer.”

I said with a smile.  A selfish, devilish grin.

And the guy I massaged before him, wanted to take me out for a glass of wine.

Client – “I just like talking to you.  I’m not hitting on you or anything like that.”

Me – “Oh I know, it’s okay.  It happens all the time.”

I didn’t give a clear response to the wine guy.  I let his question linger in the air like an unwelcomed fart.  He’s not only married, but has kids older than I am.

This is a huge reason why I don’t date.  As soon as fresh meat crosses any man (or woman’s) path, they follow the current into what they feel will be a more pleasurable and rewarding relationship.  Where’s the love man?

And this happens a LOT.  I see it all the time.

I see people plainly for who they are only because I’ve been writing a detailed journal since I was a dorky 13-year-old pimple head.  I focused on knowing and understanding myself.  Complete objectivity.  Unattached awareness.  Seeing myself as objectively as I can no matter how painful or embarrassing the truth may be.  And because I spent so many years objectively seeing myself, I can plainly see all my own dark shadows I have/had in others.  I can relate to them and know them.

Compassion is knowledge.

It’s like everyone’s in a feeding frenzy with each other.  Who looks more delicious?  More appealing?  More interesting?  And when they do find new appetizing meat, they feed off their new platter until nothing’s left to devour.  So they move onto a fresher delicacy and leave dried up corpses in their wake.

Everyone’s an entitled narcissist these days.

How am I the only one who see’s this?  I can’t possibly be the only person in the world who gets hit on by married men or goes on dates with guys who are only interested in sex (not that anything’s wrong with just wanting sex, but to make it sound like you actually care and love the person is wrong).

Everyone thinks only for themselves.  And I’m not any better.  I’m selfish in the way of withholding my feelings from others so I can obtain what I desire.  And in this case, money.  This is NOT compassion.

Compassion is honesty and honesty isn’t always tied up in a pretty bow.  Compassion can illuminate your own dark shadows and the dark shadows of others.  I’m starting to learn that it’s for this very reason (compassion being honesty), why so many people are bereft of it.

“No I will not have a drink with you.  I’m only interested in massaging you for your money and not only that, but the fact that you can even ask me that while your wife sits at home, makes me lose hope for humanity.”

Compassion takes patience and tact.  If you come right out and tell a person how you feel about something (like in the above example), you power-up their defense mechanism that shields them from hearing anything they consider to be a personal “attack”.  Their defensive walls bounce the blame onto you.  Instead of them listening and remaining open, they blame everything on you.

“Well it’s your fault for flirting with me.”

“The massage IS intimate, you can’t deny that.”  (This was actually said to me by a client after I refused his advances.)

“What do you like, girls or somethin’?”  (This was also said to me.)

Yes it’s true, I’m genuinely friendly and interested in everyone to the point where they get the wrong idea.  And yes, getting a massage is intimate.  But I’m friendly because I know that all anyone really wants is love, attention, and to feel interesting – I provide them that (I can’t help it!).  And I can’t help that what I do for a living is intimate.  It is what it is.

My actions DO stir emotions in people, but what they choose to do with those emotions are in their hands, not mine.  I’m compassionate enough to know that I can’t escape the blame entirely.  Every action has a consequence.  What I do affects others.  I am NEVER blameless.  Interdependence of everything, remember?

You can’t bring light to the darkness, you have to bring the darkness into the light.  It’s a choice (I got that from a Youtube video).  Basically, it’s another insight ayahuasca taught me.  You can’t help others when help isn’t warranted (it’s both condescending and judgmental).  You can’t change anything that doesn’t want to be changed.  There’s real darkness in the world that can’t be fixed with denial or by projecting happy thoughts.  If you want to change something, it has to first start with you.  It starts with non-avoidance of your own shadows.

“Sure I’ll have a drink with you, but only if your wife joins us.”

Compassion, when done right, illuminates the demons in people – not by your hand, but by their own (bringing darkness to the light).  You don’t even need to say anything.  You can sit back, relax, and watch as people flop around like fish fighting for one last gasp of rational breath that saves their sanity, or ego rather.

Compassion isn’t meant to coddle people into codependency and need.  Compassion is about understanding.  It’s not about insisting you know better than others, it’s about listening and understanding.  And whenever I find myself not able to understand, I fixate the hell out of it until I do.  Because that’s the only way I know how to let go.  I let go with compassion, with understanding.  I doubt I’m the only one who does this.

And since the world is bereft of compassion, that means it’s bereft of honesty as well.  Where there is no honesty, there is no understanding and where there is no understanding, there is no compassion.  People avoid the pain of truth.  They avoid the pain by masking it over with lies and denial.

It’s a sociopathic, narcissistic world that we live in.

The problem with me is, there’s way too much that I don’t understand.  I fixate, lose myself to fear, and let people blame me because I want to understand what’s wrong – I welcome blame.  At least it gives me something to work with, and work on.

I have to stop doing this.  I fall victim to my own doubt that is spurred in me by others.  I stop thinking clearly and let my fears devour the true reality of the situation.  It’s the opposite of being awake.  I let the environment control me and my perceptions.

You have to be compassionate (understanding) enough to act as a mirror (Bruce Lee philosophy).  With unflinching, soft eyes.  Both for yourself, and for others.  See the interdependence of everything and know that you are not entirely to blame.

And in my unfortunate disposition, I illuminate faults in others.  I bring them shame, guilt, anger, resentment – I am the harbinger of their demons, bringing them up to be shown on the surface of knowing.

Well, sometimes I illuminate faults in others…..I don’t always.

Okay you caught me, I don’t actually do this.  Not intentionally anyway.  At least it would partially explain why people yell at me and avoid me.

I am a mirror.  A mirror I say!

“You’re moving back to Canada?  I totally understand.”  (This was not what my last boyfriend wanted to hear.)

I’m the last person certain people go to turn to.  I’m the cause of their unrest.

Compassion can be felt as cold objectivity.  Bereft of judgement, acting and not reacting, not being swayed by any emotional control or mind games by others.  It’s exactly like being a mirror.  A mirror that holds no blame or judgement.  It’s actually quite disconcerting.

It’s the moment when your ego can’t let go of all the lies it tells itself.  It’s the emotional upheaval of uncertainty.  Transcendence versus denial.  Trust versus no faith.  Melanie’s quiet eyes versus red emotional anger and judgement.  The quiet eyes will always win.  Understanding beats all negative resistance and denial.  And no, people don’t like it.

Only strong people who are able to stand alone can embody compassion to its fullest.  And I certainly can’t stand alone nor embody compassion.  I’m merely an egg – unable to let go until I understand everything there is to understand.

I fixate, narrowing my awareness of what’s real.  I lack the strength (faith) to never doubt myself.  I doubt myself and become an extension of my fears, letting them control my perceptions and my beliefs.  I lose compassion for others (including myself), because all I can see is myself and my needs.  I can only see the things I’m attached to – the things that make me feel whole and safe.

I become an entitled narcissist.  Writing a blog for attention, and not for self improvement.

Oh man, this post is just another rambling fixation I’ll look back on someday to shake my head at.

We all live in different worlds with different perceptions and beliefs.  What feels real to me today, won’t feel real to me tomorrow.  And everything I write, can be viewed as crazy speak.  Both to my future self, and to my present readers.

When the tarot reader told me that sentimentality is stagnant, at first I didn’t believe her – I didn’t want to believe her.  But out of shear coincidence, I read something on the internet that explained to me that sentimentality is actually just another form of attachment.  It’s not real love, but a looking back and holding onto a moment in time when you felt fullness.  It’s not a timeless, transcendental love, but a longing.  A holding on.  It’s just another illusion lacking faith.

I didn’t want to believe the tarot reader because she was going against my beliefs.  I was proud of my sentimentality and so I wore it as a glittering badge of love – my love that I felt was terribly abundant.  But the only thing that’s abundant, is my inability at letting go.

The tarot reader was my compassionate cold mirror.  She viewed me with soft, nonjudgemental eyes.  The eyes of a mentalist vying to woo and enlighten.

Anyway, besides all that, I have some bad news.  I’m not able to focus on or write in my blog as much as I used to.  This is due to my new found interest in audiobooks.  Instead of writing in-between clients, I listen to audiobooks.  And when I’m not listening to audiobooks, I’m going out into the world doing other things.  I have several new projects I want to get started on – all of which may contribute to my future.

I’m going to have to push my introspection aside and take action for the next coming months.  To actually do the doing part.

Nah, who am I kidding?  I’ll probably write a post tomorrow.

I’m so freaking tired right now.  I went out last night, got home wicked late, and now I feel like doing shit.  Good thing it’s Monday, my day off.  I hope this post makes a little sense at least.

1 Comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

One response to “Why I don’t date: Part 3

  1. Pingback: Melanie goes to a Christmas party | Melanie's Life Online

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