The soothing sounds of a gently babbling blog post


Apathy (Photo credit: Toban B.)

It’s official.  The world is bereft of compassion.  It’s not just according to me, but to the book I’m reading, The Joy of Living.  It’s the best (only) book I found that can formulate buddhist teachings into a science.  Both the science of mind and of physics.

Yep, bereft of compassion.  I had to look up the word “bereft” just to make sure I understood correctly.

So, I’ve decided to follow my own advice from my last post.  To Fight indifference with indifference.  Steel can only be cut by steel, glass with glass, iron with iron, indifference with indifference.

“What about fighting fire with fire?”

Well smartypants, if you burn everything there is to burn, there’s nothing left for the fire to eat – hence it’s extinguished.

“Yeah but you can’t fight hate with more hate Melanie.  You’re starting to sound crazy again.”

Listen smart ass, I’m not going to hate the person who hates.  I’m going to hate their hate.  I will hate their hate and fight it the best way I know how.  By analyzing.   I will analyze the crap out of it.

(Hmm…what’s a good job for that besides psychologist?  I’m looking to change professions.)

A person is not their hate, they are not their mental or physical illnesses, they are not their thoughts or fears so I will handle them as separate facets that are only attached to their monkey brains and not their souls.  This is why psychology works.  An infliction, no matter how unique it may be, is still an infliction having textbook symptoms – just as it is with any bodily illnesses.

I’ve wrote about this before, but I’ll say it again.  Once you learn psychology of the mind, you become aware of your inflictions.  Psychology and buddhist teachings are very similar to this extent.

If someone cares only for themselves, I’m not going to be indifferent to that person, I’m going to be indifferent to their indifference.  Kind of like I’m accepting it.

It doesn’t matter anyway.  It’s just an illusion that captivates everyone until they go to war and see their buddies die and even then they may not get it.  How can anyone remain indifferent while watching people die?

Thanks to MB, the last guy I dated, I learned that it’s not just him who see’s only himself, it’s mostly everyone.  And when I let fear or the environment effect me, I see only myself too. When I’m not aware of my thought process, I succumb to the illusion.  I see only the projection of my thoughts.

I have to keep asking myself, “is this a fact that I’m thinking?  Or is it a habit?  A fear?”  The minute I ask myself, I step out of the fixation.

What the hell am I watching?

I used this program on Netflix called Max.  Max picks out a movie or tv show based on my likes and dislikes.  Basically, I’m too lazy to pick anything out for myself.

Max – “Well Melanie, according to your interests in science fiction, samurai movies and ted talks, we’ve pegged you for a nerd.  And since nerds like Dr. Who, that’s what we’ll suggest.”

I can’t say that I like it…

Oh wait, in the next episode they travel to the future and see the earths apocalypse.  I guess one more episode wouldn’t hurt…

Oh man.  Everyone has a British accent including the aliens from billions of lightyears away.

So anyway, what was I saying?  Oh right.  I’m completely alone.  Everyone’s an angry walking zombie machine trapped inside their own unique miseries.

I can easily slip in and join them due to my loosely held together personality.  It’s not fixed.  It’s not that I fake anything, only that certain people bring out different facets of my personality.  I especially know this by the revolving door of people who come to see me for a one-on-one session.  I’m actually horrible at pretending.

That’s why I’ve made such a big deal about finding my true self.  It’s a confusing business being me it is. I have fallen into the rift of awareness and possibilities.  As lonely as it may get in here, I have the peace in knowing that none of it really matters anyway.

I just want to tell you real quick about my own personal experience with habitual unaware thought.  And since it’s unaware, I don’t realize I’m doing it.  This can best be described by the pickings of my cuticles.

Any fidgety habit like that is exactly like adopting a habitual unaware thought process.  Biting the inside of your mouth, coughing or clearing your throat when you don’t need to, rubbing the whiskers on your chin – you know, that sort of stuff.

For me, it’s my cuticles.  And lately I’ve been having trouble relaxing my left shoulder (I have no idea why).  Gah I just picked at them again!  Oh great, now I’m clenching my jaw.

Things gotten so bad with my cuticles that I have to wear gloves at night.  And since I lost all my gloves, the only ones I have left are a pair of boys small motorcycle gloves that I bought at Walmart from when I taken a motorcycle class at Tunxis community college.

If I don’t wear the gloves, I stay up all night unconsciously picking at my cuticles.  It keeps me awake.  As soon as I consciously tell myself not to pick at them, I immediately fall to sleep.  It’s just the same with habitual thoughts, only thoughts are worse since you’re not aware it’s happening – you’re not outside yourself to see.  With the bodily stuff, you’re aware of it because you can see it happening, but with mental stuff, not so much.

I need to sleep.  It got late really quick.

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Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

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