Why I Don’t Date: Part Two

Damn I hate being right all the time.

The guy I wrote about in my last post, the guy I’m seeing, I was right about everything.

My gut was telling me that he was after two things and two things only:

He wanted sex, which is natural and okay (I never judge a guy for wanting this), but what he really wanted more than sex was validation.  And since sex is tied in with validation, he’d be one of those guys to hit it and quit it.  Sleep with a girl and not call them back the next day.

Why?  Because he doesn’t really like or care about me.  Liking or caring about someone would be too much effort – he would need to either trust the person he cares about, or entrap them into needing/ becoming dependent on him.  He’s one of those guys who has no trust (read my last post).  And where there is no trust, any relationship would be too difficult, too painful and not worth the effort.

I never slept with him, I never gave him the validation he wanted by begging him not to move away, and so he blew me off yesterday.  He blew off the girl whose kisses left him supposedly “flustered” and “breathless”.

“Oh wow, ha ha, I haven’t felt this way since high school.”  He said after kissing me and making “whoa” sounds.  He had to take a step back to “collect” himself.

“You’re full of shit.”  I thought to myself.

He wanted me to take my massage table and bring it to his apartment yesterday.  He was going to pay me to give him a massage at his house.  My empathy felt that he was going to transition it to sex.  It’s not just empathy that can read between the lines, it’s common sense.  Any idiot would know that.

If you really think about it, it would be the closest I can get to prostituting myself.  But prostituting myself isn’t the issue here, I’m not judging him on something that is a silly coincidence.  No, the issue here is, I didn’t lug my table to his house.  I didn’t massage him.  Why?  Two reasons; I’m way too lazy for that kind of bullshit and secondly, all he was after was validation.

And maybe he would’ve called me after.  Maybe we would’ve dated for a while or even gotten married.  Yes, it could’ve gone that far!  But it would’ve been from me playing him like a fiddle.  Taking his weaknesses and using them for my own benefit.  Giving him all that he wants and needs.

I know him too well to not play him.

But what about Love Melanie?  Don’t you love him?

First off, I hardly know the guy and secondly, I can’t love anyone in that way if they’re incapable of loving themselves that way.  If they’re incapable of loving themselves that way, they will never truly love me.

They will always want, always need, and in return, I will always manipulate.

Back in the day I had my fun with this.  I had my fun until my guilt pushed me into compassion.  I no longer wanted to hurt or to use others for my benefit even though my rational brain thought, “hey, they’re having fun too.  They enjoy my company so it’s okay.”

I have yet to meet a person who is head over heals in love with themselves.  I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t need validation.  I have never met anyone who has unconditional love and trust.

I don’t play games with people.  I am always here for them.  I always respond back (eventually), include them in my life, and care about them.

I’m always the one with the power in a relationship because I’m the one who loves herself.  The one who doesn’t need anyone.  And then when I see these games being played, all I see is them trying to tip the scales in their favor, wanting me to become the one who wants and needs – it’s not going to happen, sorry buddy.

If I hurt a person, I do all I can to fix things and make it right.  In the case with the guy I’m seeing, he’s only hurting himself and blaming me – he doesn’t care enough to fix anything because you can’t care or feel compassion towards a person if you’re too busy blaming them.

I know what I did.  I didn’t love him the way he wanted to be loved.  Please refer to my Stupid People post (it’s really good!).

When you’re not getting the love you want, you blame the other person.  However, if you truly care and empathize with this person, you take responsibility and try to fix your mistakes.

In this case, I’m not giving him the validation he needs.  That is my mistake.  He has conditional love for me, he’ll only love me if I give him validation – it’s not real love.

If I agreed that his needs are valid, I would hold myself accountable and fix my mistakes.  But they’re only egoic fear-based needs.  They’re not my mistakes, but his own doing.  It’s his own doing because he has no trust in himself or in others.  He’s the victim of his own doubt.

And because he’s unable to see into himself, he’ll always be the one who blames.  And because of this, he will always see the worst in me even when it’s not there.  He will stray further away from trusting himself, and further away from trusting me.

Love for me, is inspiration.  It’s a warm palpable love that transcends all weaknesses and see’s into the heart of who you really are.  It can be painful, as real love often is (because you have to confront your demons), but It’s a partnership and a team.  A team that see’s the core being in each other.  It’s transfixed like in a family.  No matter what, that love never goes away.  It’s a foundation in which your true spirit arises.

Why do people have to wait or rescind their love until they know for certain the other person care’s about them?  How can they turn everything off and put it all on hold?

As long as you need a persons love, it will never be real love.  It’s not compassion.  It’s not empathy.  It’s need.  It’s validation.

Real love transcends all that.  Real love transcends all need and lets you let go.  It helps you let go of all attachment whether it be people, things, comfort, security..

It’s complete understanding (empathy) and when you can understand completely, you can let go.  You let go of all that is unimportant.

It’s not about putting your love on “hold” until it’s reciprocated.  Real love let’s you transcend all that.  And remember, it has to start with you.  You have to have unconditional transcending love (and trust) for yourself before you can grasp what I’m even saying.  Trust that you are lovable and are worthy of being loved so you can fully love yourself.  And in return, others will fully love you.

The love is already there and people like to take the road of least resistance.  It’s the law of attraction, if you’re familiar with it.

Relationships help you become your stronger self.  And once a person get’s their fill and starts believing in themselves, they drop whoever they’re with because they no longer need them.  Their validation is full.  Again, this is not real love.  That stronger person now has the power in the relationship because they don’t need validation from that person anymore.  They have no need for them.  They begin to resent their spouse or lover for their weakness of being attached.  The same weakness that fed the person in power their validation.

I know all this because I was one of those people.  The person not needing validation.  It was only my empathy and compassion brought about from guilt that made me realize the damage I was doing to a person’s heart.  The person that I no longer needed.

I learned transcendant love.  I learned family, foundation, inspiration, partnership.  I learned to use my empathy for compassion, not power.  I learned what real love is.  Real love is family and family is relative.  Family is where your heart is.  They don’t want anything from you, they only want what’s best for you.  They want to see you succeed and be happy.

When a person can only love you for what you bring (provide) them, it’s not real love.  Love is about seeing potential (beauty) in others.

Being the stronger person helps you to let go of people, but transcendent love connects you to them.  You want them to be in your life because you truly care and love them.  And because you truly care and love them, you will always be there even when they push you away – even when they don’t need you anymore.  That’s what family is for.  A return home after life’s journey teaches you hard lessons.  You return home.  You return to what matters.

It takes a strong person to have transcendent love, but it’s the answer and solution to everything.  It’s the only thing that’s real.

If the guy I’m seeing, if he really cared about me, he would call.  And I will answer.   I’ll answer because I care about him.  But all romantic notions are gone from me now.  I’m incapable of loving anyone superficially.  I hate to say I lost respect for the guy, but I did.  I can’t love anyone intimately whom I don’t respect.

And the games he’s playing are child’s play to me.  They’re so transparent.  He has no idea of my breadth of understanding.

So no, I did not bring my massage table to his house.  Instead, I gave a massage at work to a favorite client of mine, I went hiking with friends, visited a friend at her house, visited another friend who cooked me dinner.  I extended an invitation for him to join me in all of that (minus going to work with me).  But because he wasn’t getting what he wanted, he blew me off.

The more you need from a person, the more you push them away.  It’s the opposite of family and transcendent love.  You push them away so they can’t hurt you.  You hurt them back so you can tip the scale in your power.  You hurt them to prove to yourself that you don’t need them and you want them to feel the pain they caused you.

All of that DOES NOT MATTER.

There is no logic to it.  Why would you ever want to hurt a person who care’s about you?  And it’s for this reason, why I think the world is insane.

My ex-boyfriend, Dave, know’s transcendental love.  It’s because of his transcendent love that allow’s him to keep me in his life, and for that, he will always be family.  And I will always love him unconditionally.  But I can’t love him intimately because he lost my respect (it’s a long story I won’t get into).  I respect him, but I’m not in respect with him.  You get me?

I know it doesn’t make much sense, but it’s like, I respect him as a person living his own path in life, but I don’t agree with his actions.  That little twinge of respect that is needed to push me into loving him intimately is gone.

And so, this is why I don’t date.

3 Comments

Filed under All about me, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, rant, Self help

3 responses to “Why I Don’t Date: Part Two

  1. Wow! I there is nothing like the tumultuous cloud of emotions that surround love and relationships to dump the bucket of words from our hearts. Reading this, all I could think as that you and I are not so different. Back when I was dating, I thought very much like you. There is this need to be strong and independent emotionally, as in, not needing validation from anyone. It is a defense mechanism and it works well. The truth is, there is no such thing as this perfect transcending love. Relationships are based on a give take, team-like circumstance. You totally nailed the problem of men only wanting two things, but that could be said of women too. Men could turn around and say that women are only looking for emotional and financial security. Of course, this is stereotypical and doesn’t apply to everyone individually, but in general it is partially true. So, it can be said that men and women are looking for things from each other that initially can create a small foundation for a relationship, but anyone who has ever had a lasting relationship knows that it takes more than that. It is a constant state of revalidating to each other that they are necessary and needed in each other’s life and that they are equally respected, loved, and desired. I mean, sure its good to be independent to some degree, but ask any man how he would feel if he over heard his girlfriend or wife say to a friend, “Sure, I love him, but I don’t “need” him.” Men like to know that they play such a valuable part in your life that they are irreplaceable to you, and therefore, are needed. For us, its not just about being needed. A man could need a woman to wash his clothes, cook him dinner, or be his lover. For us, its about being “wanted”. When a man does the little things that say I love you for no reason, like making your breakfast in bed, sending a sweet text telling you he’s thinking of you, or demands that you cuddle on the couch, watches the movie you picked, rubs your back without being asked when you had a rough day…that’s what we live for. The disappointment of a love gone wrong can definitely harden the heart, and don’t get me wrong, this guy sounds like a douche, but you’re a tough cookie who knows what she wants. I have no doubt that you’ll eventually find the love you are no longer looking for, and probably because you aren’t looking for it, LOL!

    • Thanks for the comment! I just want someone to actually care about me. I know what it feels like when someone genuinely cares about me and loves me, and it feels great. But when I feel they’re playing games it’s like a slap in the face – it’s like, what the hell man? My defense mechanism pulls me away before I can get hurt anymore. I only want people to get past that whole power struggle thing, it’s silly. If you really care about each other, there should never be a power struggle or a withholding of affection. It all comes down to trust.
      And this guy definitely does not trust me. I still haven’t heard back from him and I expect I never will. He never liked me to begin with, which is totally okay. I don’t think anyone can truly love another person if they don’t trust them.

      I can’t wait until I find someone to snuggle with and rub my back. That sounds like a dream to me. As long as I respect them, I will give them my heart and my everything.

  2. Pingback: Why I don’t date: Part 3 | Melanie's Life Online

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