Here’s why I don’t date…

There are many types of intelligences.   Going into detail trying to explain them all would make for a lengthy blog post, but I want to keep this short cause I’m drunk, tired, and have to work a lot tomorrow.  And after work, I agreed to go to a party.

Anyway, I lack in a bunch of smarts, but what I do have is an extremely high empathy intelligence.  I hate to say it but, yeah, I can read minds.  Yes I can!

It sucks because most of the time I’m left confused.  (I’m not being deluded here, it’s true!)

So anyway, the guy I’m seeing, I don’t know….

It’s like he needs validation or something.  He wants that commitment validation.

“I think I’m moving back to Canada.”

“Oh no, that sucks.  But I completely understand.  You have to go where your heart is.”

And that’s the crazy thing, I DO understand!  I could never imagine living any place where my family isn’t.  It’s absurd.

But sadly, I’m empathetic….I’m empathetic and I feel it was a test.  A game.  How committed are you Melanie?  I don’t know, I only just met you!  Why should it matter what I think?

I know most of you are thinking I’m high on myself or that I’m thinking too much, or that maybe he really was sincere.  Yes, okay, all that may be true, who knows?

But all I know is that I’m not looking to be someone’s validation.  Why?  Because I, myself, don’t need validation.  No, that’s not true, everyone needs it.  But, I don’t know, I guess I don’t need it that much?

What was I saying?

Oh yeah, I don’t want to be needed.  I don’t want to fill anyone’s void.  And I certainly don’t want to be the sole reason to keep someone away from their family.  That’s not me!  All I really care about, you want to know what it is?  What I’m really looking for?  I’m looking for someone who genuinely cares about me.  A person who doesn’t want to hurt me even when I inadvertently hurt them.  You know why they don’t want to hurt me?  Because they care.  Because they have compassion.


Here’s the thing, I like the guy.  I really like him.  But then he goes and says something like this, making me feel like the right answer should be, “oh no, don’t leave.  It would crush me!”

That’s just not going to happen.

My empathy leaves me confused because I feel a person feeling one way, and then say or do the complete opposite.  This is why I need people to shout the truth in my face and be brutally honest, or I won’t get it.

I can’t take hints, which is completely contradictory to being empathetic.  I can’t take hints because my naivety (or trust, rather) believes every word I hear.

I never know what to think or believe…

In this case, he’s hinting on commitment and finding out how much I like him.  In other words, he doesn’t trust the fact that I like him.  He doesn’t trust me.  And what it comes down to is, he doesn’t trust himself to be lovable – being a person who is lovable.

You can only trust a person as much as you trust yourself.  This is true!  I don’t care if it’s the stinking Law of Fives that brought me to this understanding, but it feels very real and very valid.

The crumby part is, he’ll always need validation.  He’ll refer to validation more so than trust.  It’s what he knows.

And people who constantly need validation are often the jealous type.  They’re jealous because they don’t trust themselves to be enough, and they don’t trust the person they’re with if they don’t have an iron clad hold on them.  They feed off clingy reassurance, and in the end, will resent this clingy reassurance.

I don’t get it.  I’m so confused.  I would never tell someone I’m moving away just to hook them in closer.  I can’t wrap my head around it.

Being a high empath is not what you think it is.  It’s more confusing, more heartbreaking than you would like or expect.  And worse of all, it makes me feel completely alone in the world.  It makes me feel weak, with the world on my shoulders.  But in this case it’s not the world, but a heart.  A pure, innocent heart that needs love.

I hand myself over to others wholeheartedly, I really do.  But I don’t want anything from anyone in return.  I don’t expect anything from them.  I only want what’s best for all parties involved.  And because I put myself aside to see others, and I don’t want anything back, it backfires on me as being callous or aloof.

I drank my beer and said, “I completely understand.”

My empathy felt that he really is considering moving back, but he was using it as a tool.

And then he went on to tell me how what a great kisser I am and how he didn’t feel that way since high school.  My bullshit detector went on high voltage red alert for that one.

My empathy told me he wasn’t being sincere.  My bullshit detector is impeccable.  I hate the damn thing.

It’s confusing is what it is.  A part of him means it, he wants to believe it, but another part of him is using it for validation.  A way to hook me in.

I know what you’re thinking…

I’m the one with the trust issue’s and I should lay off the poor guy.  I’m an asshole who write’s a secret blog that rips apart my true intensions along with everyone else’s.  And yes, this may be true.  What the hell do I know?

And on the flip side, what does it even matter?  So what if he’s testing me and wants to know?  It’s NOT wrong to want to know how much I care.

It’s just that, I hardly see him and when I do, he springs these questions on me.  This is not the first time he put me in this position.

Who am I?  What makes me the powerful almighty person to tell him what he’s worth?  He has to figure that shit out on his own.

And just think 5 or 10 years from now when we break-up, he’ll blame me for wasting all his time.  He’ll resent me for keeping him away from his family and friends for nothing.

It’s a huge weight on my shoulders.  A lot of pressure.  It feels like entrapment.

So…I’m going to lay off for a while.  If it’s validation he’s after, he’ll easily find a replacement for me.  If he really cares about me, he would want to keep me in his life – even of he does move away, he’ll still want to make the effort to keep in contact.  If he doesn’t keep me in his life, than he wants to be with me for shallow reasons.  It’s not real.

Plus we don’t really have that much in common…


Filed under All about me, journal, random thoughts, rant, Self help

7 responses to “Here’s why I don’t date…

  1. raehering

    Those middle ground, in between times in relationships are the weirdest, when both people are trying to decide how vulnerable they really want to be with the other person. I think you’re thinking about it clearly, Melanie. It just sucks emotionally when you’re in it 😦

  2. Getting closer is based w/in fear of intimacy. Why not just ask why and get to the truth of the matter. Empathy is a tool yet easily confused by a clouded mind. Meditate. Be sober. Express yourself with a gentler centered heart.

    • Yeah I have to be honest with him. I have trouble expressing my emotions to people because these types of thoughts are hard to share, and I always have a bunch of thoughts hard to share. I’ll tell him that I don’t want to be the person responsible for him staying here. I’ll do it as gently as I can.

  3. Pingback: The Guys I Dated | Melanie's Life Online

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