There’s a religious philosophy called Discordianism. It centers around the belief that chaos is the only true reality, and that our minds create the illusion of order. It’s an interesting idea, and kind of a funny one. It’s a paradoxical religion.
They have a list of beliefs, one of them being that you should not believe ANYTHING you read – which in turn, defeats their religion. It’s self-defeating and paradoxical. It’s more like a parody religion, and so I liked it immediately.
I love all things ridiculous.
Anyway, they have this one theory called The Law of Fives. It states that whatever we set out to find, we will always find. What we believe we’ll see, we will see. The universe is “intent sensitive”, meaning, your intentions (the Why), will guide you into seeing what you believe to be true.
When searching for a conspiracy, you will always find a conspiracy. When searching for the truth, you will find a “truth” that you already believe. Your mind creates your reality by being directed by what you expect to find. Your expectations and assumptions are your navigational units.
Such as the number 5. If you believe that the number 5 continually pops up in your everyday life with no rhyme or reason, you will continue to see the number five everywhere simply because you’re looking for it. You expect to see it, and so it pops up.
I came to have this belief myself a few years back, when the number 118 continually showed up everywhere I looked – it still does.
“I wonder if it’s popping up simply because I’m expecting it to?”
Then I read last week about The Law of Fives and well, you know the rest.
So anyway, I witnessed last night, or experienced rather, the Law of Fives playing out.
I was trying to reach out to a Melanie Hater, opening my heart and giving my all – possibly even helping out our community all in the simple act of volunteering myself at a local church. The Melanie hater shot down my dreams immediately even before my excitement had the chance to sink in.
“It’s not for you.”
“They do background checks.”
“You won’t like it.”
“You’re a Catholic, not a christian.”
“You’re not religious.”
“They do background checks.” (This one was said several times)
“I don’t think we need you.”
And the kill all end all of it was:
I scrolled up and tried to find where in the texts I was upsetting her. I wanted her to call me, but she said she was too upset.
For three hours straight, text after text she sent me a rolodex of reasons why I shouldn’t volunteer. My heart broke each time I read a new reason. I tried holding off reading them, because I knew it would hurt me. And for each reason she gave, I responded with common sense. I responded with common sense until my senses became blurred with despair.
Me – “Just tell me you don’t want me there, it will be easier.”
Her – “I don’t care what you do.”
Me – “So you support me to volunteer then?”
Her – “It doesn’t matter, do what you want.”
I was so hurt, so baffled. I couldn’t see clearly what exactly I did to set her off. I wanted to understand so badly.
After that last text, she blamed everything on my drinking. I was two beers deep at the time, sitting next to my friends fire pit in her backyard.
(This is completely off topic, but my next client might be a lunatic. He sounded weird on the phone. In case anything happens, his name is Greg and he’s my 5pm appointment.)
I woke up early and tired today. I woke up unbothered by the events of last night and instead focused on the pimple on my ass that might be a carcinoma of some sort, but turned out to be just a regular plain ol’ pimple. That’s when I remembered the Law of Fives.
I’m doing this thing where I live through my heart and accept any pain that comes of it. I’m also doing things that scare me. By volunteering myself at a church (which has a lot of fun activities), I would be helping myself, helping others, broadening my heart and perspective, and get to see a friend that I never see – all with the same stone. But I also knew that this friend has hurt me in the past. I partially braced myself to be hurt again.
Yesterday, moments before texting her, these were my thoughts;
“Okay Mel just ask her.”
“But I already know what she’s going to say. Be strong. Strong strong strong. I am pure, I am good.”
And so I sent the text that spurred a 3 hour long debate about why I’d make a horrible volunteer.
I took the plunge while having fear in my heart. I took the plunge and looked for those new and baffling ways she could hurt me. I looked for them, and so I found them.
Me thinking to myself – “Is this karma? I wouldn’t do this to anybody, it can’t be karma. But I am scared.”
I tried seeing things from her point of view, but had trouble because I would never tell anyone not to volunteer at a church. Not only could I not experience what she was feeling, but I was feeling my own hurt, my own devastation to the point where I wasn’t sure what to believe. I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.
“Maybe she really does have my best interests at heart. It’s got to be all in my head, it’s got to be! How else could she be able to tell me all this stuff without feeling bad about it? And she definitely doesn’t feel bad. She doesn’t feel bad because she repeats everything over and over.”
And that’s where I am right now. So, the volunteering idea was shot down and shattered completely. My fears came true, just as they always do. And I have a new thing to be sad about.
I’m so tired. I slept for maybe 3 hours last night. I badly need sleep. My brain works better when I’m awake. I hope my next client doesn’t kill me. I don’t want to be here. I’m the only one in the building.
I know believing in myself cures all heartache and lifts me up to that special place of clarity. I know all that, I’ve been there, I seen what it does. But for now I just have to be a man and suck it up. She’s my friend and will remain a friend. And most likely everything is my fault anyway, it has to be. I chose it. And whatever I choose, is ultimately my own doing.
I need to get stronger. I need to improve on myself so these things can’t affect me like they do. I need to believe in myself because nobody else will.
Before I can do something, I must be something, and before I can be something, I need to believe that I am someone.
This one was a hard hit though….
- Lessons in Discordianism (new.exchristian.net)
- Ten Classic Cat Videos Condensed To Three Frames (buzzfeed.com)
- And because I couldn’t post about last night: I couldn’t see the show, but I heard every note and it was incredible!!! Had fans high fiving me because I was singing along!! Met the ever awesome Tausha and @jojobeansz!!! ❤❤❤ I hope that @depechemode come b (dmdevoted.wordpress.com)
- Top 10 Most Hilarious Parody Religions (toptenz.net)
- New Friends (talkingthailand.wordpress.com)