Do I have my heart on?

A Different Church Building

A Different Church Building (Photo credit: justshootingmemories)

I dreamt about a church and a priest last night.  It was a gloomy church and the priest was there bent over blessing everyone.  I can’t remember anything else, only that before I fully awoke from it, I made it a point to look up the meaning in my dream dictionary.

To dream of a church:  Disappointments in pleasures anticipated.  To enter a gloomy church denotes you will take part in a funeral.

To dream of a priest:  An omen of misfortunes to come.

I’m a fairly level headed person.  I consider myself to be a great thinker, a skeptical thinker and one who harnessed the power of not taking anything too seriously, if at all.  But, and this is a big but, whenever I refer to this particular dream dictionary, every symbol that I ever looked up, came true.  It came true regardless of what I did to prevent it.

The dream dictionary I’m referring to is called Dreams and What They Mean to You, written by Migene Gonzalez-Wippler.  I bought it back when I was 14, at the mall with my friends on one of our weekly excursions.  19 years later, I still have it.  It’s in bad shape with the pages falling out, but I never stopped turing to it simply because the meanings always came true to some degree.

So anyway, I’m too exhausted to write today.  Yesterday I was on an inspiration high and wanted nothing more than to dive head-first into my blog, but I got invited to a BBQ instead, and would feel guilty saying no.

That’s the crappy thing about being me.  Whether I’m feeling inspired or tired, I’m geared towards being alone.  Being alone with no stress, no worries, opens me up to new worlds of imagination and perceptions – new knowledge and wisdom to mull over.  But when I’m called out into the world while in one of my inspired trances, I leave my self at home.  My heart doesn’t follow me and I end up getting swallowed up by clamor and chatter.

There was this one guy who talked on and on the entire night.  He was talking about cars and motorcycles, showing pictures of them.

“I was living the dream until I had a kid.  I had a kid last month, see here’s a picture.”

People don’t hear themselves speak.  They don’t know what they’re saying!  His statement made me laugh even though he wasn’t trying to be funny.  He was completely serious.  He honestly made it sound like his car and motorcycle were his real babies.  It was in the tone, you had to be there.

Listening to people talk on mindlessly, suctioning out for attention and acceptance all while my pen is calling to me, really sets me a part from people.  When my heart isn’t in my chest, I tend to analyze others.  I analyze them because I feel no connection to them.  I can’t connect because there’s a blockage leading into my heart ( read this post) – my heart beats for something else.  And last night it was beating to the drum of writing what could have been my most prized epic post.

Alas, it’s gone now…

I am in no way insinuating that I’m special – I am NOT SPECIAL, or different, or talented or anything of greatness that can in all actuality, set me a part from others, no.  But this is how I get sometimes.  I become aloof, uncaring, dismissive.  I become “nice,” and not “kind”.  All because my heart calls to me from some place else.  I can’t let go so long as there’s work to be done.

But when I’m being inspired in other ways, like having a connection with someone or when the moment is so sensuous and full of feeling, I dive in to embrace it and my heart never escapes the present.  I am fully aware, fully focused and transfixed.  My shyness wanes and my inner light explodes into little shrapnel’s of love.  That is, if my heart is there.

Fortunately, I found another guy at the BBQ who laughed at the same things I did, so I did find a connect.  He laughed at how people talk endlessly about nothing.  I felt warm in finding a kindred, so I ended up staying at the party until 2:30 a.m.  I had to be up today at 10 for a couples massage.  That’s why I’m so tired.  I’m tired, not inspired (well, maybe a little), and when I’m tired I tend to want to relax and do what I do best – veg.

What does my heart want from me tonight?  Hmm…to either read or watch a funny movie.  First pizza.

1 Comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts

One response to “Do I have my heart on?

  1. Pingback: He who laughs Last! | Jacqui Senn

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