Disclaimer: Don’t read this if you want to stay in a light, happy mood. I was relatively happy when I first started writing this, but then things turned kind of dark. I need sleep. I’m just forewarning you. But it might have the opposite effect and lift your mood. Who knows?
I spent the greater portion of the night working on that Camino video from my previous post. I was so wound up, falling in love with myself and saying things like “Oh aren’t I cute! Look at me! I always forget how adorable I am! Ha ha, aww….”
It’s no wonder why my mother grabs my face and showers me with a hundred kisses. It’s no wonder why people are scared when I venture out into the harsh world – who wouldn’t want to protect that face? That….that….innocence? That purity?
I know how all that makes me sound, trust me, I know. You don’t have to tell me. Writing all that just made me sound like an ignoble self-righteous S.O.B therefore canceling out any ounce of cuteness that I did have before making the above incriminating statements. I totally regret having written it, but I write from the heart and these moments have to be shown, along with the good ones.
But I really do think I’m adorable dammit I can’t help it. Adorable in an ugly way – there, feel better?
So anyways, there I was working on my video and it started getting really late. I’m talking 3 in the morning late. My eyes were killing me from staring at the computer screen for so long, and so I had to take 3 aspirin just to get rid of my pounding headache.
I didn’t drink any water because I consider that a distraction – I also hadn’t eaten because I find eating to be a nuisance much like having to pee during a writing rampage. My survival requirements are taken as moot points whenever my creative drive thickens into a gelatinous monster void.
So I swallowed down 3 aspirin. Now you know my headache must’ve been bad if I was forced to put my project on hold for 2 minutes.
Then 4 a.m rolled in. I was vaping my electronic cigarette for oh, I don’t know, lets say the past 5 hours non-stop. I had to take a sleeping pill to calm my adoration of myself so I could fall to sleep peacefully without staying up dreaming of me. Might I add that I am well aware of my narcissism.
5 a.m rolled in, birds started to chirp outside my window. I took that as my cue to call it a day.
I pulled the covers up over me and threw on some eyeshades. That’s when the mixture of everything (sleeping pill, 3 aspirin, valerian root, sleep deprivation and 5 hours of nicotine) began its’ tumultuous assault on my psyche. Tumultuous assault = night terror.
It didn’t start out as a night terror, it started off as a pleasant lucid dream.
“Yay I’m dreaming, hoorah! What shall I do?”
Okay, another negative character discrepancy that I’m not too keen to share is my ravenous sex-drive during lucid dreams. I can not, and I repeat – CANNOT help myself. I think of the funnest thing to do while knowing I’m asleep – and it usually always turns into sex.
I’m the master in the dream, I have full control and complete liberation from any insecurities or self-doubts. And quite honestly, it feels amazing.
So in that particular lucid dream, I decide straight away not to waste my time with flying around or talking to people, no. I decide to head to the nearest mens room and wait outside the door. The next man who walks out – no matter what he looks like – I have my way with him.
You can’t materialize things in lucid dreams, you have to look for them. And sometimes what you find is hilarious (George Castanza).
This is when things start to get fuzzy. I don’t know how it happened, but I ended up in a creepy place – a horrible nightmare on elm street kind of place.
“Oh come on now, where did this come from? What happened to my man?”
I did find a man and was about to pleasure him as guys often like, when the darkness came.
I didn’t like it, so I wanted to wake myself up by opening my eyes. Well, I opened my eyes but they weren’t my physical eyes, but my spirit eyes. People who know about OOBE know what I’m talking about. So, I opened up my spirit eyes and saw the ground beneath me. I was hovering a foot above dewy grass. It was extremely real – more real than my lucid dream – realer than real life. That’s how I knew I was out of body. When the “dream” is more real than the outside world, that means you are out.
I was flying very low to the ground, not having enough energy to fly higher. It was nighttime and very dark, but I was lit up like a glow torch emanating light. I was in the woods by myself. I couldn’t control where my body gravitated towards, or at least I thought I had no control. All I knew was that it wasn’t a good place to be – it felt dark and evil.
“Fear is the only evil. Don’t be scared, nothing here can hurt you.” I told myself.
I was enjoying the weightlessness, and became curious as to the direction of my movements until I heard a man scream. It sounded like he was being tortured to death.
“Okay, let’s get out of here.”
And that’s when I realized I could will my body away from the screaming man. I closed my spirit eyes and ended up back in that same creepy place in my lucid dream as before.
“This isn’t any better.”
The creepy house felt eerily familiar, like I used to live there. I knew where everything was, where the nursery was. I went to see the nursery just to see if I remembered where it was.
I don’t often get nightmares, but when I do, I’m NEVER scared in them. I always end up fighting the bad guys and winning. But this was different. This was pure fear – pure evil. Not your run-of-the-mill zombie/vampire/Obama nightmare.
As I stood there viewing my surroundings, I started thinking, “how can I write about this in a post? This is too horrifying for my blog. Too horrifying even for me.”
I knew nothing could hurt me, I was only afraid of what images might pop out at me. I was scared of my own imagination and seeing what terrifying visions I was capable of conjuring up. I was fearful in the anticipation of such images. I felt myself losing control and letting the situation, the circumstance, envelope me. I stayed lucid the entire time, but felt myself losing self-awareness – I was letting my surroundings control how I felt and how I acted. It was actually really enlightening to witness it first hand – to see how fear can do that to people. How people lose themselves completely in their own fear.
I tried fighting it, I tried gaining back my self-awareness. I felt it as a power source, stronger than the evil surrounding me.
The problem with describing this is that most of you have no idea what it means to feel your self-awareness. To feel yourself. And in truth, I hadn’t grasped it to it’s full extent until last night. When I felt it with my own two eyes, my own heart. I was, and I knew that I was stronger than my menacing environment.
I put the fear aside and looked into myself and told myself to remember who I was.
“I’m Melanie, a crazy self-aware enlightened goofball. I am NOT part of this place. I am me.”
I started singing and bad mouthing the place.
“Is that all you got? Pff, pansies.”
But it was a battle. A new terror would show itself and I would have to go through the process again of disassociating myself from it all. I had to keep remembering who I was. The strongest of my qualities – the strongest quality in anyone I should say, is being able to not take anything seriously. And by me not taking it seriously, I laughed fear in the face. My humor kept me in my self-awareness more than just willing it to happen.
My power, all my goodness, can only be tapped into when I stand up against fear. In other words, when I become aware. Awareness of who I am, having belief in myself and seeing my own self-worth, all that defies evil.
I’ve never understood it so clearly before now. Ayahuasca told me this insight and I understood it, but to actually feel it. To have actual experience with it!
And this doesn’t just hold true for night terrors, but in actual life. We are all living in a TV reality gameshow series depicted in the guise of a matrix. We can either let that matrix rule over us, or we can turn to our inner light – the only thing that’s real. Our inner light is the only thing that’s real.
I started questioning my sanity during the dream. I questioned why this was happening to me. “Am I going crazy? Why am I seeing all this? Is it really from 3 aspirin and a sleeping pill?”
Most of the time I was trying to wake myself up. I can usually do this pretty easily by feeling my body laying on my bed, or by opening my eyelids. But this particular dream made it feel impossible for me to wake up – I was almost scared to for fear I would end up in that even more menacing out of body dimension. So instead of trying to open my physical eyes (I might open my spiritual eyes by mistake), I tried wiggling my physical body. But of course, I was paralyzed. Being paralyzed is a natural sleep state. It stops us from actually acting out our dreams.
“Damn sleep paralysis!”
In the nursery, I saw a bloody baby in a crib. There were bloody babies everywhere but the most frightening about it was that they knew they were covered in blood, and didn’t care. I felt that that house I was in, felt so familiar to me, I felt something horrible happened there.
My nose started streaming blood. I wiped at it and felt its moisture. I hoped I wasn’t bleeding onto my pillow case.
Then a child appeared. She wasn’t covered in blood and was just as scared as I was. She taken hold of me out of fright. At first I helped her by comforting her, but then I pushed her away because I didn’t trust her. I thought she might turn into something evil and just wanted to lure me into getting close to her and gaining my trust. That was when I lost my awareness again, and let the environment take its hold on me. (But I was still lucid).
This is when I started feeling my physical body and felt myself waking up, but during that time just before coming out of it, I regretted my actions towards that little girl. That little girl may have been a facet of myself, trying to gain trust, needing to be comforted and loved.
When I trust others, I in turn, trust myself. When I turned away from that little girl, I turned away from love and light – trust is only a byproduct, it’s of no consequence while being in the light.
I lost the battle in the end, just before waking up. I couldn’t keep it together. I lost focus.
But I mean WOW. Wow wow wow…..
I really hope I’m not going crazy here, and that all made sense. I hate that I’m even questioning it, but I am. It’s like I’m always going deeper and deeper into the mysteries, confronting pure terror only to see that it’s only my own issues causing things to happen. But how do I stop it? If I know what’s happening, than how do I stop? Again, I think the answer lies in not taking anything seriously. And of course, in self-awareness.
I’m going to watch a documentary about Johnny Carson. I’m still shaken up from that dream and I feel a bit out of sorts. Light-heartedness and comedy are the only things that get me out of these funks. I could so go for a beer and a bar right about now.
I’m in a very sensitive, delicate mood. Hyper sensitive to other people’s energies. I’m sensitive to fake people playing it “nice” instead of “kind.” I always know the difference.
The thing creeping me out the most right now, why I’m in this fragile state (besides my unprecedented night terror), is because of those fake people who don’t live through their hearts. They’re so scared of being judged and not being accepted. Those people make me feel isolated and alone. That’s what frightens me the most. But I know, from what I learned, that it’s in my own lack of self-awareness. That’s where the fear is. It’s my own lack of turning to light and love, and instead letting circumstances cripple me, making me fearful. That dream showed me where I lack courage. Courage and strength is everything.
There’s much to be learned from a night terror.
I’m not a dark, morbid person. But teetering on the edge of this dark abyss that so many people get sucked into really puts everything into perspective. It defines the light, you know? Just don’t lose hope.
The reality of it is, that it’s just a passing chemically induced season in your brain. It passes by, it never stays. Don’t go killing yourself just because it’s winter.
That dream hit me so hard that it put a sore spot inside my head. Not enough serotonin or dopamine and too much cortisol or something like that (I don’t know the technical terms). Kinda like when you get a bad leg cramp, your leg can stay sore for days after. It’s the same thing with your brain. A bad dream has lingering effects only because those anxiety chemicals are still looming about – like with a traumatic experience. The more traumatic, the harder it is to get back to normal.
I’ll be fine tomorrow, I think. I’m supposed to have dinner with a once-called Melanie Hater. I almost want to call it off because I’m still in a fragile state. The girl usually doesn’t have anything nice to say to me. I was in my happy, normal mood when I asked her, but now not so much. So we’ll see. If I cry, I cry, I don’t really care. This is me laughing in the face of fear.
Light and love Mel, light and love. Grab that little girl and hold her close. Grab those bloody babies while you’re at it too.
- Dreams that Feel Real (plushbeds.com)
- Lucid Dreaming?! (vanessajakubowski.wordpress.com)
- Binaural (amazeoftwistylittlepassages.wordpress.com)
- Why lucid dreaming? – Top 10 what you can do in your lucid dreams (aliceinwakedreamland.wordpress.com)
- The Truth About Lucid Dreaming (plushbeds.com)
- Night Terrors in Adults (plushbeds.com)
- Nightmare vs. Night Terror (nadetteraerodgers.com)
- Dream Interpretation and Lucid Dreaming (oranumdreams.wordpress.com)
- Can We Stop Telling Others to Embrace the “Gift” of Their Illness? ~ Melanie St. Ours (elephantjournal.com)
- Recurring Dreams (plushbeds.com)