The Five Stages into Awareness. Teachings from my Hero’s Journey.

I’m sitting here in Cheshire coffee and looking like a complete jackass.  I have massive sunburn.  Walking is excruciatingly painful and my face looks like a red delicious with eyes.  Cannibals could have cooked me over a spit.  How can I have both chilly goosebumps and feel like my legs are dangling over satan’s hell fire?


Three people sitting in front of me just got up and left all their shit on their table.  Empty plates and coffee cups.  There’s a perfectly good bussing station set up for people to bus their own crap.  Stuff like that drives me completely insane.

(Bear with me here, the enlightened part will come I promise!  I just need to settle in…..)

Oh my god this iced chai tea latte is heaven.  Damn I drank it all already and I only just got here.  I drank a $4 cup of coffee in two minutes.  Was it worth it?  I don’t know.

I love days like this (putting aside those three messy jerks and my extra crispy hide).  I massaged one client today, made a quick 60 bucks and now here I am with the rest of my day all to myself.

Let the writing escapades begin!

Two days ago I went up to my family’s cottage in Rhode Island.  It’s divine, truly divine.  Here’s a pic of the sunset:


It’s a magical place from my childhood that is still prevalent in my life today.  Have I ever mentioned that I’m spoiled?

Anyway, while I was there, I went upstairs to the loft – a place where I spent a lot of time as a kid, and laid down on the 40 year old mattress to ready myself for sleep.  I read a little from my kindle before having a massive ayahuasca epiphany.  It was as if I had taken the medicine right then and there and started intuiting answers as it happened during my enlightenment.

Me – “Wow, what’s going on?”

Before I continue my story I just have to say one thing, well, proclaim more than “say” actually, that I am in fact a creative genius.  Yes, I’m proclaiming it.  Proclaiming that I, myself, am a creative genius.

Ever since I quit Massage Envy and went on to experience the most profound, crazy, hideous year of my life, I have never lost my ability to think creatively.  It was only through my creative thinking (my writing) was I able to make it through the tough times, but at the same time, it was that same ability that caused my madness.

Let me digress further back (please don’t stop reading, it will be worth it I promise!)

I’m sitting here in Cheshire Coffee, a place once called R.P Downy’s.  R.P Downy’s used to be my favorite hang-out for alcoholic libation and seeing friends.  It cradled my ineptitude for change, coddled my comfort and made me feel safe and loved.  After a night out at R.P Downy’s, I felt both high on life, but stale as bread.  I hated being so content with my life.

I thought to myself – “How’s it possible to be so content and unfulfilled at the same time?”

I started developing a fear that everything would go away some day.  Everything that I grown to be dependent on, the things that kept me drunk and happy without having to face the world outside my fragile paradise.  I became fearful of change.  My fear soon became a need.

Here is what I learned during my profound year of change:

Fear leads to need

Need leads to karma

Karma leads to trials

Trials leads to strengthening

Strengthening leads to awareness

Awareness leads to Letting go of need

Letting go of need = Letting go of fear

Okay, I’m not sure if you can understand that, but if you can than we’re on the same page!

If you don’t let go of the need, the cycle will repeat.  If I was more productive, I would elucidate this with a diagram.

While I was divulging myself in the comforts of drink (distractions & comfort), I also wanted to take breaks from it.  I wanted to step back and say, “hold on now, something’s missing here.  I have to find it.  What am I missing?!”  My creative mind was looking for answers, trying to find meaning – I made the cognizant choice to experience life and learn.  What I didn’t know was that this meant trouble.  I was asking for trouble.  The universe responded to its queue and jettisoned me into a wild ride of personal journey and development.  Not at all as much fun as it sounds.

Having a creative mind is all about problem solving, and not the equation-type problems, but problems that never been dealt with before.  There IS no equation – YOU set the equation.

Figuring out equation-type problems involves the use of your left brain.  It’s like following a recipe for baking – there’s little room for flare or creativity.  But when there is no recipe, that’s when you depend on the creativity of your subconscious right mind.  Using your right mind helps in seasoning the stage for a tremendous experience into self discovery.  It’s a pragmatic view – not a mirror of reality, but a tool for creating it.

The more my life unraveled, the closer I looked for some kind of understanding as to why.  The reason why, as I came to find out, is for the journey itself.  There is no other reason.

As I sit here in a place from my past, I can visualize the pool table, dart board, Eric or Justin serving out drinks from behind the bar, my brother proudly putting his arm around his awesomely cool lil’ sis as my friends laugh and cheer in amusement over something stupid I just said.

I was the life, the center of it all.  I felt golden.  I felt golden, but distracted.  I couldn’t help to wonder if the life I was living was enough, or that maybe it was all an illusion being held together with flimsy thread – not real, not substantial.  I doubted my abilities at holding it all together.

All that is gone now, the R.P Downy days, but still I sit here and see that it’s not entirely gone.  I’m still that person.  The life in me, the part that never changes – that’s still here at this very moment.

Everything changes on the outside, but not on the inside.  You can’t change the past that shaped you, you can’t change the things that made you into you.  I am a legacy of all that once was in my life – everything is still in me, still alive.

I was so fearful of everything leaving me, my needs (acquired from fear) taken on new heights along with my yearning to find answers.  Everything came to a peak on that mountain top in Nepal.  I just didn’t know it would be a landslide going down.

A very strong statement ayahuasca wanted to drill into me was that there is no evil, only fear.  Fear IS evil.  And last night while laying in bed I realized that all you fear – even the things you don’t realize you fear – all of it comes true in the end.  All your fears WILL happen.

I saw it.  I saw everything so plainly.  I seen how karma is heavily intertwined with fear.  Karma feeds on fear, so if you have no fear, you have no karma.

I can say this to you, scream it on the top of my lungs as a blatant unwavering fact, and maybe you will agree that yes, it is true – but to actually understand it….to actually see it!  No one will understand until they see it happening for themselves.

And if you do things that make you feel guilty, if there are parts in you that you’re ashamed of, you will see those same parts in others.  And you will come to fear seeing these parts in others.  You will get the same treatment as you bestowed unto others all because of your fear in seeing the worst parts of yourself reflected in someone else.  You know what they’re feeling because you felt it yourself.  That’s karma.  Your fears affecting others and bringing to light your own misdeeds.

Just as it is when a father gives his daughters boyfriend the third degree.  He can see his own worst traits in the boy.  He feeds into his fear with interrogation, only to arouse his belief that the boy is trouble.  The more fearful he is, the more likely the girl will bring home bad boys and he will be punished over and over again until he forgives himself, and trusts the boy.

What you believe about yourself will be felt and believed by others.  What you fear yourself to be, others will let yourself be it and not only will they let you be it, but they will become what you fear them to be.  Energy follows the path of least resistance and that’s through the channels of beliefs and emotions.

This can spread from person to person.

So what do you do?  What do you do when the world seems cold and heartless, when everything you once loved is taken away from you and nothing seems real, nothing seems to matter anymore or make sense, what do you do?

Beliefs are unbelievably powerful.  I made a formula for getting yourself and others out of the darkness.  Most of it is formulated using the teachings of ayahuasca, and the rest is weaved together utilizing the fabric of my creative genius.

#1:  Faith

First thing you need to have is faith.  Unwavering faith in knowing that everything will be okay.  That “this too shall pass.”  Ayahuasca let me see this fact, so it’s easy for me to believe it – it’s basically having an unwavering faith in God (yourself [god is in you!]).

#2:  Eliminate Fear

With that first thing done, the second should come easy – elimination of all fear.  This goes for any attachments you have – severe them!  Your attachments come from need and need is a byproduct of fear.

Sever your attachments and you sever your fear.  This can be done in small steps aimed at facing things head on.  When you face things head-on, you ebb the flow of energy feeding into that fear.  They soon lose all power.  Trust me, it’s real and it works!

Attachments and habits are formed as a way to stop you from seeing certain truths you don’t want to face.  Happiness is dependent on these attachments because you fear there is nothing else out there that can satisfy you.  I’m getting all this understanding from my attachment to cigarettes.  They give me something to look forward to – I’ll always have cigarettes when all else fails.

#3:  Belief in Yourself

Okay, so the third thing you need to do is believe in yourself.  It’s easy to do once you’ve taken care of all your attachments.

Well, first you have to know yourself before you can believe in yourself.  This includes knowing your set-backs, fears, weaknesses, attachments – you have to fully know them in order to see who you are and it’s only through admitting (not omitting) your flaws can you learn to accept who you are.

Once you accept yourself and your flaws, you empower yourself.  Don’t just accept them, but flaunt them to others, acknowledge them as being a part of you – embellish them even!  If you embellish them, you are more apt at seeing them clearly.  It’s actually an amazing feeling.  By flaunting and being proud of them, you are actually facing them head on therefore cutting off their power supply.  They will diminish even if you have no plans to diminish them!

And if other people won’t accept you, that’s their problem, not yours.  These people have to work on themselves – they are projecting their own fears onto you remember?  They’re only seeing the stuff that they don’t like about themselves and trying to control and bring you down as a way to raise them up to prove they are above all that.  You may bring out their own fears to the point of them hating you.  But remember, it’s them, not you.

Unless it IS you, then please re-read steps 1 & 2.

This step should actually be step number 2 because you can’t eliminate your fear without having learned what your fears are.  You can’t accept your flaws if you already severed them!  Ah well, I’m too lazy to copy, paste and change anything.  I accept and acknowledge my laziness.

This stuff makes so much sense to me that it sounds as if it’s common sense – fundamental truths are a funny thing.  Babies know this stuff, I swear.

#4:  Love

The most important element to my formula is love.  Love lets you see exactly what’s happening, lets you see the truth about people, the truth about yourself.  Without fear, love raises you to new heights of awareness.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can hurt you, agitate you, scare you or give you anxiety.  You will have no more hate or vengeful feelings.  Life is too short.  You feel light and emanate light.

This world is nothing without people.  People are life.  People are the meaning of existence and they are the true pains in your ass.  Sure you can fall off a cliff and break your clavicle, but the true hurts are those from self-inflicted trauma that you allow yourself to feel due to other people’s influence and power over you.

If you follow my formula (especially the belief and faith parts), your love for everyone will expand your compassion and understanding because YOU know what’s real.  YOU have the power in yourself to change things (and others).

People who get their power from fear lack conviction.  Their beliefs aren’t self-actualized, but yours are!

You will see things for how they truly are, and this can be achieved by using your creative genius, along with my five easy and straightforward steps that help guide you into awareness.

Using your higher brain function helps in overcoming stress.  Overcome bully’s, obstacles, fear.  You raise yourself up instead of staying dormant in that brainstem survival mode.  The zombie mode that most people live in.

Your lack of fear coupled with compassion and belief in yourself lets you tap into your hidden potential ergo forging new connections, new pathways and more room for even more energy – more thought – more answers and ways to get yourself out of tricky situations.  You become the confident person you always dreamed you’d be.

People who aren’t awakened, lack power.  They lack power because they aren’t aware of how powerful their beliefs are, or how they can effect others.  They use fear as a tool to shape them into who they are.  Fear has less power then awareness.

A fearful powerful person only holds power over fearful powerless people.

#5:  Trust

If you’re able to love others, then trust will follow.  Trust makes life easy and enjoyable.  When you trust others, you put your fears aside.  You are essentially stress-free when you’re able to trust others.

At this stage in your journey, if you conquered the previous four steps, trust shouldn’t be an issue.  No one can hurt you and if they do it’s only from your own fear, lack of belief, lack of love and being dependent on need, attachment.  Your hurt is just that – yours.  It’s your own lack of understanding and if you’re not careful, can lead you into a treacherous merry-go-round looking for answers.

If you’re not ready to trust someone with something important, than take responsibly and don’t trust them.  Don’t blame them for your own inability to take action when it comes to something that matters to you because even though it matters to you, doesn’t’ mean it matters to them.

Trust that a person will be who they are.  If you trust a person to be who they are, flaws and all, you will never be hurt by them.

Never pass the blame because ultimately, everything is all your own doing.  Know your fears!  Karma!

On my hero’s journey, I have found love, belief in myself, found my self-worth, my fears, my self-awareness, faith, trust.  I understand karma, attachment, need.  I am truly awakened – truly!

If you eliminate all attachment, all you’re left with is yourself.  Are you enough?  Do you have belief in yourself that you are enough?  If you don’t have that belief, or even if you do have it – guess what?  You are right.  But the part I see, the part in you that never changes – that part is and will be always enough.

I believe and have faith in everyone.  I have faith that humanity will pick themselves up and carry on with bigger hearts and good intentions.  But if I don’t believe that, I would also be right.  There is no truth behind beliefs, only the power and faith you give them is true.  What do you want to make true?

I’ve gotten all this knowledge on my own accord – nothing influenced me or played any part in it (aside from ayahuasca).  If you come across similar writings, it’s because these fundamental laws are real and concurrent with other spiritualists who have also met the universe.

If you find a few stray spiritualists saying completely contradictory things to what I’ve written here, well, they are wrong and I am right so, myahh.


Filed under philosophy, Self help

11 responses to “The Five Stages into Awareness. Teachings from my Hero’s Journey.

  1. Reblogged this on Wholeheartedness and commented:
    I love the blog ‘Melanie’s Life Online’ – I think it’s one of the best blogs of this type I have seen. She journals great trips to the Himalayas and the Camino de Santiago in Spain but the best trips are the ones she takes deep inside! Namaste, Melanie — please continue to document your ‘trips’… 😀

    • Thanks for reblogging me Todd! Yesterday I sort of let loose my animal writing instincts and out popped a post that I didn’t know I had in me. I really love days to myself.

  2. Melanie, This is heady stuff. Being old and ignorant, explain ayahuasca as you use it. I know that it is an hallucinogenic drink made from a tropical vine , but please put it in your context. I know that because I looked it up. 🙂 I think you are brilliant. I have read this post twice so far and I am sending it to Jill.

    • Hi Steve! I went to Colombia South America and took part in a shaman ceremony. They gave me ayahuasca to drink and man oh man, stuff is nuts. It’s real is all I can say. We did it twice and both times it lasted for about 9 hours. I remember everything from it. I was completely sober and rational, just seeing things from a profound perspective. All ayahuasca did to me was separate me from my ego and without my ego, I was able to see true reality. I was intuiting answers that sounded profoundly accurate. Answers that I never even considered before.

      So anytime I mention ayahuasca (which is a lot), I’m referring to when I was under its influence. It was the best experience of my life. I didn’t see any visions. Only one eyeball blinking, but I told it to go away and it did.

  3. jillness1

    Hi Melanie, thank you for sharing. I’ll send out a shout out to your blog. Love your creative mind…you definitely have the gift of a writer!

  4. Pingback: More Karma… | You

  5. Pingback: The Secret Deciphered: Part One | Melanie's Life Online

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