I’ve always struggled with feeling like I don’t belong. It might be because of my writers mind – the outsider, the voyeur looking in.
The best way I can describe the way I see the world is with those slow dramatic scenes in movies like for instance, Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan. When Tom pauses to look around at the carnage in slow motion, the song from Apocalypse Now playing in the background. He’s looking at the scene, but not fully in it himself until someone brings him back into focus.
Or it can be the airport scene from Love Actually. Long time friends embracing after a long absence. My sentimentality catches me in those voyeur moments. I step out of the moment to broaden my view. To take more of it in and let it soak.
The only problem with that is that I’m ALWAYS out of the moment.
This reinforces the thought that maybe I really don’t belong. That maybe I’m really not one of them. It doesn’t help that I find many people to be a bit absurd or crazy.
It’s a lifelong struggle I have. That’s the main reason why Nepal was so hard on me. I was traveling with people who made it abundantly clear that I didn’t belong with them. Not only did I not belong with them, but I didn’t belong in Nepal in general.
They hit on my weakness hard. But what-ev, I’m totally over it.
I have to accept the fact that I can’t get along with everybody no matter how much I acquiesce or hand over my power to others.
The Camino however, on day 7, is teaching me that HELL YES I do belong! I deserve the right to walk this Camino just as much as everyone else has the right to walk it.
And I see and I feel it more strongly now that I’m doing it alone.
We all have faults, weaknesses, insecurities, it’s not just me. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles with belonging.
I’m sitting outside an awesome albergue in the sun. Two girls are sunning themselves while one older woman soaks her feet. I’m fervently writing as always.
Once a person understands they have every right to be here – wherever you are right now – once you understand, you’re in. You’re in the scene embracing your loved ones or helping a fallen Comrade.
But never lose that ability of taking yourself out of the moment. It’s there where you get to shape yourself around truth and reason. It’s a place, a safe place, in which we all create our true selves.
And now for your viewing pleasure, me being an asshole: