It’s 3AM and yeah….I’m blogging

It’s 3am on a Saturday night, or Sunday morning depending on if you’re just going to bed or waking up.

I ain’t gonna lie, I was out drinking.  I’ve been out drinking a lot lately.  Ever since I found out that I’m not invited to Maine with the people I’ve known for the greater portion of my life, I’ve been out drinking everyday.

Okay so here’s the thing….

As long as I know that it’s not me being the asshole, I can live with myself.  That’s why I painted that picture in my last post.  Just in case it IS me being the asshole, the one who’s hurting people.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that it’s me doing harm to people.

One of the people I’ve been hanging out with this past week is a girl whom I was practically in love with 12 years ago.  I’ve never been so enamored with a girl and that’s the truth.  We had an awesome friendship until things got weird and she completely dropped me which left me completely devastated.  There was no fight, no explanation, no goodbye.  Little 22 year old me became heartbroken and prone to panic attacks.  I couldn’t understand it.  It’s the not knowing part that killed me.

Now she has two kids, no husband, she’s getting obese, does drugs, has no job, no money and has a gimp leg.  The feelings I had 12 years ago when we were young and fresh, thinking that she’s awesome and perfect in every way – all that dropped away.  All that’s left is reality.  There’s no need for explanations anymore.  It doesn’t matter and really it never should have mattered. 

And tonight I hung out with Matt.  The guy who ditched me after I got back from Colombia.  It was our first time seeing each other again.  He’s a lot of fun and he know’s he messed up, but hanging out with him made me want to contact Kristie – the girl who cast me aside because I’m friends with Dave.

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In all honesty, I don’t really care.  I can no longer be hurt simply because her choices have nothing to do with me.

And her boyfriend is totally gay, I mean literally, the dude likes dudes…..

And tonight when I was hanging out with Matt, I ran into an old flame of mine.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was confronted with two very awesome young men whom I fell for and both of them broke my heart (which never happens).  I spiraled and never actually recovered from that first hit.  It hit me late in life (after adolescence), so that may be why.  But anyway, this guy that used me like a puffs plus was at the bar tonight being all friendly and smiley with me.

And I didn’t care.  I didn’t care that he was hitting on me.  I didn’t care that he wanted attention, I couldn’t make myself give a shit.  I was nice to him the same way I’m nice to all old friends I run into.

So….

Three people that I once cared about.  Kristi, The girl from 12 years ago, and the douche at the bar tonight, all of them – I don’t care anymore.

And you know why I don’t care?

Because people are nuts.  That’s why I don’t care.  As long as I know that it’s not me being crazy, I’m happy.  My true essence of awesomeness has no obstructions in the way.  It’s just me in all my happy splendor whether you want to join me or not.  I don’t care and I don’t need explanations.

Tomorrow I’m going to confront a Melanie Hater.  She’s the girl I painted the picture for just in case it really was me being the asshole.

That’s the thing that’s important here.  As long as I do what’s right, all else doesn’t matter.  I have to let go of finding out the reason for things.  It’s not important and in time, it won’t matter anyway.

I can’t get angry, hurt, or feel powerless.  As long as I do what’s right, I know I’ll always be okay.  Just because the world is insane, doesn’t mean I have to be insane along with it.

I totally immersed myself in the big illustrious rock tumbler.  Getting tossed around like a rag doll with her stuffing falling out and her button eye missing.

Why don’t people realize how much they hurt others?  I feel like I keep throwing myself in it just to show people what they do.  How what they do doesn’t make any sense.  I’m the one who gets hurt, but I keep doing it anyway.  I keep doing it until I stop caring.  Until all my abrasive edges are rubbed clean off.

And that’s just the thing, I haven’t stopped caring about this one particular Melanie Hater.  I just need to know why.  I can’t let go.  I know I’m supposed to let go, but I can’t.  Not until I’m certain that it’s not me with the problem.  I just have to do what’s right and doing what’s right always involves putting my heart on the line.  That’s how people get me, it’s like I ask for it.  Amy used to say that I like pain.  She said I liked pain because I liked hanging out with her.

People are nuts.  I need to stop caring and instead just focus on causing no harm and doing what’s right.  And if nothing works out, at least I’ll know that it wasn’t me.  I can move on with no anger or guilt in my heart.  And explanations won’t matter at that point because their choices and reasons are of their own making and have nothing to do with me.

I can’t please everyone.  I can’t live up to expectations.  I disappoint people.  But who I am is who I am.  I can’t allow rejection to hurt me.  I only hurt myself when I hurt others.  I’m not going to allow myself to turn into them.  I’m better than that.

People who hold grudges are crazy.  Jealous people are crazy.  Anger and hate are both crazy.  Obsessing over finding explanations is crazy.

I’ll never know why.

I’m about to embark on a journey that very well may change my life forever.  It scares the pants off of me.  It would be nice knowing that I have a support group in spirit walking beside me.  It’s like losing a parent, or getting diagnosed with a terminal illness – you need support from others to go on and face your fears.

That’s why life is too short to hold grudges.  That’s why compassion is a HUGE part of my life.  I see the pain and loss in others – I want to be there!  Knowing that I’m one of the only few to see this is a lonely job.  It’s a lonely existence.  Nobody understands and that’s the kind of pain I have to live with.  But it will polish me, and I refuse to become like everyone else.

I will always strive to be better – always.

I’m going to hold off on publishing this post.  I’m tired and cranky.  Best wait till the light of day.

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Filed under journal, rant

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