Melanie the Master Watercolorist

Imagine a universe where there exists no purpose, and time stands still.  Imagine a place having no gravity, no stars, nor moons and only two known dimensions.  Nothing really exists, and nothing matters.  It’s a universe built upon silent illusion.  Now I want you to visualize what that universe would look like.  The image most people come up with looks something like this:


I signed myself up for introduction to watercolors in an adult ed class.  It only cost me $100 for 8 classes!  I’m there with a bunch of menopausal women who fan themselves in the freezing school room, then complain it’s freezing.  They’re awesome.

I signed up to learn to paint with watercolor because it’s a vital step in my grand scheme of taking over the world…eh hem, I mean becoming filthy rich and living in a mansion.  I have this idea you see, an idea so brilliant that it was never thought of before – I searched Google and no, I’m the first one to think of this angle to take over the world…eh hem, I mean paint watercolor paintings in an adult ed class.

I really do have a good idea but in order for me to make it happen, I need to become a master watercolorist.  There is no other way.  Well, there are other ways, but they aren’t as fun.

As luck would have it, painting in watercolor happens to be the hardest medium to paint with.  Detail?  Bah, who needs it, right?  No wait, I need it!  Me!  I’m a detailed drawer.  I draw in the very finest points mechanical pencils can produce!  I hide myself in the details.  I control what you see.  And now you’re telling me to be vague?  ME vague?

Well, I guess my outward appearance can be vague.  It’s all part of my allure, my mystery – and honestly I can’t help it.  Even when I think I’m being completely honest and forthright, people view me as being cool – and I don’t mean that in a cool way.  But hey, Enlightened people can’t help their own complexity, or simplicity rather.

Shut your damn ego trap girl.

As you can see from my depiction of what a storm looks like over a farm house, I have lots of work cut out for me.

My classes are Mondays, my only day off to spend with family and friends – well, too bad sucka’s!  Mellie’s gonna take over the world!  Eh hem, er, I mean paint purdy colors with watery pigments – yay!

Yesterday was a fine day.  It was the first time in months where I was able to sleep until my normal waking hour of 12 noon.  I got an oil change at Economy oil and the guys working there are nice enough to suggest parts that my little ol’ slutty escort needs.

“You should have new wipers put on.”

“Do it up baby.”

“You should change your air filter.”

“We better get started on that then.”

A young man sitting next to me giggled.  He probably mistook me for a sucker.  Pffff, I’m no easy sell little man.  I just like spending money.

Every time I get my oil changed, the guys replace a plastic zip-tie that bears the responsibility of holding up the steal frame of my car.  When that zip-tie breaks, Essie starts sounding like a box spring getting some action.  It’s fun for her until we both parish in a fiery blaze of inundated fury.

I tenderly pat her on her dashboard – “Hang in there old girl, you still have lots of miles in you.”

I think I need to attend an AA meeting, anthropomorphism anonymous.  Hey, why do they call it anonymous if they make you stand up and state your name?  Not only state your name, but admitting you have a problem too?  That doesn’t sound very anonymous to me, no sir it does not.  Don’t you agree computer?  Computer agree’s that I’m right.

I just chatted with my new next door neighbor moving in to the cramped office on the other side of my wall.  A very handsome construction worker.  And lordy mercy me, he’s even nice!

Around this time last year I massaged a man named Martin.  I massaged him twice and both times I fell in love with him.  Anyway, I won’t get into too much on that since I’m not the mushy romantic type, but it’s suffice to say that I sort of puffed him up into being my illusory soul mate.  EW, I know right?  I’m so lame.  The worst part of this is that even when I meet a hunk of a man such as my new neighbor, I always say to myself, “He’s nice but he’s not Martin.”

If I ever do find myself with the desire of getting hitched, this fake man I created into my fantasy world will far surpass any real man I find.  It’s absolutely absurd, but there you have it.  Actually all this talk about men and love is absurd to me.  It is NOT nor will ever be my priority.  I have Martin as a friend on Facebook and I honesty think I looked at his page maybe three times – three!  This just goes to show that it’s not him I love, but the idea of him – the one so easily concocted in my head.  Either that or I’m not much of the stalker type.

Yuck, enough of all that.

I’m listening to Ani Defranco on Pandora radio.  Is she singing or talking?  WTF is this?  Ahh here’s a good song, Portishead Dummy.

What was I saying before McDreamy rudely interrupted my personal me time?  Shit.  It’s gone.  Hold on.

Scroll up…..

Ah lol, oh yes.  So yesterday was a day where I felt the true fruits of my labor.  And it fizzled over into today.  I received my new work uniform in the mail – an $80 top sold specifically to those in the spa industry.  It looks to be an asian wrap-around frock.  It’s one size too big, but still looks a hellova lot better than my frayed polo from Vista Print (don’t purchase uniforms from Vista Print, they shrink and fray and the collar gets all wonky, you know what I mean?  Ignore the fact that I wore and washed it every single day for the last 6 months.  It was warped in three weeks).

So today before work, I pumped my gas in style.  And when I was done, I hopped in Essie and pulled out into the rain and turned on the wipers.

“See that Essie?  New wipers!  Yes ma’am we are living large.  Ha ha living large indeed.  Me and you.”

I really need that AA meeting….

Speaking of AA, I so should have drank beer during the days I thought work was killing me.  They have a perfectly good refrigerator here and guess what else?  No one is here to tell me not to!

This week is still pretty stacked up, but I have gaps such as now.  These gaps are all that I need to keep me happy.

I loved most of my co-workers in my previous 20 plus jobs, so I hate to say this but, oh how I love this time with myself!  I love being able to see people when I choose – and not have to worry about gossip, overachievers (god how I hate overachievers), or the annoying ones that never shut up.  And I love the fact that if I am being gossiped about, I don’t care!  I don’t freaking care and I love it!  I feel the most stable I ever felt – stable and not feeling guilty or confused about anything.

My new lesson I learned only two days ago was to have compassion for myself.  That will be a whole different post and I definitely will write about it.  I also want to write about how to unlock your creative genius – I know how!  I’m still tapped into this never ceasing strand of understanding.

My brain these days is off the hook.  Or possibly off its rocker, I don’t know and I don’t care.  Anyway, the important thing is, I feel I have much to write about.  I have this passion for sharing everything I learn, everything I’m taught.  I use the word “taught” because it’s not me who’s figuring all this stuff out, but it’s something bigger than me that’s actually telling me.  And that’s part of the creative process, but I’ll save that one for another day.

I also learned that all knowledge is derived from experience.

A conversation I had with my client today:

Client – “It’s hard to trust doctors when they end up doing something that hurts you.  And you don’t say anything because you think they know better and know what they’re doing.”

Me – “Doctors are just regular people like you and me.  They’re no smarter or wiser and they make mistakes and aren’t always considerate.”

Client – “Yeah I know!  They don’t know what they’re doing!”

Me – “Nope, not a clue.  I mean it’s one thing if they seen from previous experience what exactly is happening to you, and they can apply their learned knowledge, but most of them have no idea.  Book learning is very different from actual understanding.  I believe that all knowledge comes from direct experience and that doctors have no experience being in your body, so in essence, you have more knowledge about what’s going on in you than your doctor does.

Client – “Oh my god you’re right!  I never thought of it like that!”

We were talking about those electronic impulse devices that you stick on your body.  I bought one from Groupon and when I placed it on certain area’s, it hurt!  I mean it really hurt!  The manual says to remove them if you feel pain.  His doctor never informed him of this possibility, and so the poor guy suffered through it.

Me – “You have to have more compassion for yourself.  Sometimes it’s not about having compassion for others when it’s you who needs it.  You find your self-compassion and you find your voice.”

Client – “Is it okay if I scooch up a little?”

Me – “Yeah of course.”

Client – “See I did it!”

Me – “Yeah but nobody likes a nitpicker.”

I didn’t actually say that last thing,  instead I said – “It’s funny how our brains work.  30 seconds from now I would’ve forgotten all about you asking to scooch up, even though it was something you had to think long about.”

The guy is one of those self-consious types, too afraid of speaking up.  I am too, or was rather.  I just recently learned why that is but I’ll save that for later.

Anyway, my last client will be here any minute so…..farewell turds.   I mean turtle’s.   Lovely turtle doves that is.  Yes that’s it.  Farewell my lovely turtle doves.  Turds are short for turtle doves.  It’s my pet name for you.

Later turds!

Your friend to the end,



Filed under humor, journal, My artwork

4 responses to “Melanie the Master Watercolorist

  1. beautiful:) thanks for connecting:)

  2. raehering

    Hey, Melanie, enjoyed your post. If you’re looking for inspiration for the rest of your Watercoloring class, I recently posted a song I wrote called “Watercolor.” If you like it, it’s downloadable. Thanks! – Rae.

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