Melanie’s Pervert Policy

Okay, so I’m a massage therapist with my own practice and a few days ago an old man exposed his withered manjigglies to me. I’m not embellishing when I say that my stomach contents rose up to touch my tonsils. I became worried that once the vomit passed my tonsil threshold, it will land on his own two that lay dangling between his legs under a flap of flab.

He came in bearing his own washcloth from home.

Dirty old man – “I have restless leg syndrome so I can’t have anything on my legs.”

Me – “Huh….”

Dirty old man – “I brought my own towel for draping.”

He had a folded washcloth in his lap.

Me – “How big is it?” (I meant the washcloth)

Him – “Well, I brought two different sizes in case you’re not comfortable with this one.”

Me – “Do you wear underwear?”

Him – “No.”

I told him there’s no way I’m going to massage him using only a towel for a barrier, and he clearly got upset but wanted the massage anyway. It was during the massage when he exposed himself. It’s horribly disrespectful and annoying. It’s more annoying than anything to deal with someone like that.

I had a cancelation in work today, so I made a few improvements to my business’ webpage. I added a few new pages, one being a Pervert Policy. I don’t care if it’s not professional. I don’t give a shit quite honestly. I’m someone with little patience and can get quite aggravated and snarky – actually making fun of these people to their faces. This is something that I have to NOT do. I must avoid bringing this frustrated Melanie to life.

Here’s what my Pervert Policy looks like on my business site:


me and mom

See that? That’s a picture of me with my Mother when I was a wee little lass. Aren’t I cute? If you look close enough, you can see that I’m actually somebody’s daughter.

I’m also somebody’s kid sister.

me and fran

Please keep that in mind if your intensions are not pure and you’re planning on taking advantage of this wee little runt.

Pervert Policy #1 – I will NOT answer calls from blocked phone numbers. You can leave me a message with your name and number so I can call you back. This is my first line of defense since perv’s typically don’t leave numbers.

Pervert Policy #2 – If you do get me on the phone, questions about draping is a RED FLAG that you are a perv. I don’t and will NEVER drape using towels. I use sheets and only sheets. Haranguing me about this only amplifies your pervertedness and you will get hit with snarky remarks because I can do that. I’m the business owner. Also asking me what kind of lotions or oils I use, I found to be an indicator of perversion also . Why this is? I have no idea.

Pervert Policy #3 – I can refuse service to ANYONE at any time before or during the massage without giving an explanation. If you want an explanation, please refer to my Pervert Policy.

These policies are enacted as a way to preserve the sweet innocence of the child pictured above and below.

cute lil me


Filed under humor, rant

4 responses to “Melanie’s Pervert Policy

  1. Smith johonsen

    Wow. Glad your not a cook or a doctor. Some people actually care what’s being put on them(organic,genetically modified…) have a general interest in what /why it is used or actuall preference if its oil or lotion being used. I don’t get what your issue is about towels are. I can get you don’t want to see someone’s reproductive organs, but you can keep it covered just as with sheets as with a towel. Seems like you probably skip about 1/3rd of the body, when you do a massage which is sad. You should stick with chair massage, no draping or towels.

  2. Smith johonsen

    “These policies are enacted as a way to preserve the sweet innocence of the child pictured above and below.”

    You have lost it already, and your lying to yourself.
    You wouldn’t be ashamed of nudity of yourself or others. If you still had it.
    Clothing was made for warmth, not to keep one decent or moral.

    Just a rant. Just words, …

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