Melanie Misses Herself

An example of a British-style crossword puzzle.

An example of a British-style crossword puzzle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I made $527 dollars in these last two days and you want to know what I really want to do with the money?  I want to buy a flatscreen tv, an Xbox and the newest Fable game.  I want to turn off my phone – not just switch it on silent.  And I want to wear big bulky headphones that weigh more than my head.  I want to game.  Game hard and long for weeks and weeks.  Not having to think or worry about a damn thing.

Today is February 16, 2013.  It’s 12:09am and I just got home a little while ago.  I found myself reading old posts from two years ago and good lord I laughed so hard I cried!  I had no idea I was writing funny shit like that, no idea!.  I knew it was a little “ha ha,” but I was freaking crying out laughing!

What happened to that girl?  I mean seriously?  Damn…That’s a damn shame is what that is.  You caught me at an odd time in my life blog.  That transitional period into my 30’s.  My transitional period (or life rather) can best be described with visualization.  Try visualizing a grown child checking off her years by filling in the blanks of a crossword puzzle.  All the same answer, all the same word.  Linking together to spell out;

D U M B A S S.

I would’ve been better off skipping high school altogether and working on a farm tending to pigs, or getting black lung in a mine somewhere.  I no doubt would be more of a woman if I came home smelling like pig juice and coughing up my lower left lung quadrant.  But no, instead I surrounded myself with people of my own age group and nationality during the most soft-headed influential time of my life, and succumbed to that adolescent culture having nothing to do with anything tangible.  People grow up, but I grow something different.  I don’t grow up, I grow strange.  People are strange when you’re a stranger.

Life happened is what.  I don’t want to change!  I miss my old self.  I was freaking funny and didn’t even know it.

Life happens out of the norm, takes my spirit to other worlds and out comes this bizarre new oddity that is me.  Do I know any better than I did?  Is it for the best, this change?

I feel like I have a choice.  I can either go back to being that funny care-free vixen, or continue on this path of discovery.  I remember having to make this exact same choice when I was 18 and had that crazy experience when I saw God.  He was an immense white light – a conscious, powerful white light.  It could have been God, or it could have been my higher self, I don’t know.  I wrote about it a few times before and don’t feel much like writing about it again.  After that day of seeing the light, I made a conscious choice to stop digging around.  I didn’t like it and it scared me.  But now I’m faced with it again.  Do I keep digging?  Will I lose myself entirely?

It’s like peeling the layers of an onion.  Eventually, there is no more onion.  That’s what this feels like.  It’s not only me that’s the onion, but the universe as well.  Prying away the pieces, letting them fall away, left discarded.  I disembody everything to the point where everything is found to be insubstantial.  Meaningless.

I need to, I don’t know….Find a balance somehow.  I need to merge these two Melanie’s.  When I was under the influence of ayahuasca, she told me that the spirit world is a combination of spirit and physical.  That it takes both sides to build off one another to make it into that higher dimension.  It raises up, like 3D.

I have no idea how.  I have no idea what the hell that means actually.  But that’s what she told me.  Maybe there’s a place for my ego after all.  It’s sort of my signature, in a way – my blueprint.  It tells the story of who I am, where I been, and what I’m here for.  To have that all fall away now, would leave me with no identity.  So how do I merge the two?  All this is extremely complicated for me to even grasp.

In the words of Peter Griffen – “I have an idea so smart, my head would explode if I even begin to understand what I’m talking about.”

I would rather do math.

Anyway, I gotta sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be another freaking long day.  Why do I insist on blogging at night?  I can’t sleep when I do this!  I’m going to pop in a tylenol PM, stick a tampon in me.  I’m done.

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Filed under humor, journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help

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