Letting Go

The Douglas Squirrel (Tamiasciurus douglasii) ...

The Douglas Squirrel (Tamiasciurus douglasii) is an example of wildlife. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My Dad likes to shoot things.  He’s a hunter and shoots mostly with a bow and arrow, but when it comes to critters in our backyard – the same critters that desecrate his garden – he whips out my trusty Red Ryder BB gun and shoots their eyes out.  But my Mother made sure to tell him to lay off the squirrels.  She made friends with them and they come literally (I witnessed it) to our sliding back door window knocking.

My mom likes to feed the squirrels in our backyard.  She feeds them all our leftover scraps.  And as a result, we have a family of morbidly obese squirrels coming up to our window asking for food.

They are HUGE.  Never in my life have I ever seen squirrels that big.  They are so rotund that they lost all dexterity.  I counted five of them one day.  All five scurrying up the stairs  onto the porch and sniffing around.  Then they regrouped in the garden and dug around there.

Dad – “There aren’t that many squirrels left.”

Me – “What do you mean?  Did you shoot them?”

Dad – “No, but the hawks got to them.”

Me – “Oh no!  How do you know it was the hawks?”

Dad – “I seen them attack a couple.  One squirrel was up here on the bird feeder when the hawk got him.  I watched him tear him apart right there.”

Me – “Oh no thats horrible!”

Dad – “The other squirrel ran and hid behind that tree thinking it was safe, but another hawk got him.  He was too slow.  Hawks are smart, they hunt in pairs and work together.”

Me – “You should shoot the hawks.”

I was upstairs making eggs for breakfast.  It was not a pleasant way to start the day.  I felt sorry for my Mother, she loved those oversized tree rats.

Dad – “I think it’s illegal.  Hawks gotta eat too.”

Me – “Yeah I guess so…poor Mom.”

This is an example of what pampering does to a person or in this case, animal.  You get plumped up good and fat, not have to worry about the hunt, not have to think much about anything really, and you get pulled apart and eaten by reality.  It sneaks up and bites you on your squishy ass.

I am a fat squirrel.

I had a crazy day today.  Well, first there was yesterday, yesterday was crazy, but today takes the cake.

I woke up extremely tired and hungover.

Last night I found myself at Billy O’s, sick and sniveling into my pint.  I drank one after the other to drown out my feelings and make the people I was there with more pleasant to be around.  Because sometimes they are not pleasant.  In fact, they are so in your face not pleasant that I was pulled aside by a random man telling me that I was being emotionally abused.  A random man said this!  And because of his remark and genuine concern, was I able to do my research on the subject and out spewed my previous post.  I wrote that post before I met my offender at Billy O’s.

One tactic that an abuser uses is to degrade your perception of reality.  To warp it to the point where you don’t have any bearings or self-esteem / self-worth.  My abuser claimed that my world is delusional and that I never had any real friends before, none like her.  She said things purposely to hurt me and maim my self-esteem.  She tried to entrap me by giving me “advice” out of her concern and love for me.

I stumbled upon many articles that made everything clear.

She would go on tangents for what seemed like hours about my inability to run my business.  I genuinely listened with care, taking in everything she said and agreeing that yes, I should step up my game and be responsible, but whatever I said was never enough.  She continued to go on and on ranting.

Me – “I don’t know what you want me to say.  I’m listening to you, I’m agreeing with you, what more can I say?  It’s like you’re looking for something specific that you want me to say and I don’t know what that is.”

Her – “You just don’t get it.  I can’t help you and I should learn to shut the fuck up.”

This is an actual discussion we had.  My words weren’t enough – never enough.  I was so confused and completely baffled.  I couldn’t understand it for the life of me.

Me – “I thought I knew you.  I thought I figured you out but then you hit me with all this and it makes me wonder again.”

I didn’t know what was happening until a complete stranger (semi-stranger that I never really talked to before), pulled me aside and laid it out plain as day.

In each article I read, the definitions were clear and congruous with one another.  The intent of her words was to make me feel hopeless about myself, and to latch on to her for support and guidance.  She talked on and on about how I didn’t get it, I just didn’t get it and then she berated me some more about my poor business skills amongst other things.  It was endless.

Here is one small article that is short and sweet:

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching”, or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person. It creates scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Source: The mighty phoenix

I highlighted guidance, teaching or advice because that was what confused me the most.  I couldn’t understand how “teaching” me was a form of control.  It was the underlining intension that I wasn’t seeing.  However, belittling and intimidation were also prevalent, but I can handle that without it warping my sense of self, so I let it slide.

Another tactic for an emotionally abusive person is to threaten to abandon the friendship / relationship.  She did this constantly, almost everyday.  I confronted her about it telling her it hurts me when she talks like that, but it didn’t matter.  I always did something to piss her off and she always put that threat in front of me.   Hanging it over my head, keeping me in place.

The similarities between her and K are countless.  Belittling the fact that I come from a loving family that will always be there for me, telling me I’m not responsible.  The both of them exuding the check list for emotional abuse – resentment being the ultimate facilitator for their actions.  All balled up and neatly displayed in the guise of love and concern for me – It’s a complete mind fuck.

I used love, not anger to talk to her.  I used compassion, not insults to give reason.  Everything I did, I did with care and the purest heart, purest intensions, but she still couldn’t hear me.  Everything that happened to me in 2012, taught me compassion and understanding.  I wanted to bring my newfound love and appreciation into my new friendship which I did, but there was still one component holding me back;  My belief that I was not strong enough on my own in this world.  I needed someone there for me, or I wouldn’t make it.  I didn’t trust the universe (God) to guide me, I didn’t trust anyone – not even myself.  And I felt discarded, thrown away.  I was still hurt and damaged inside from previous abuse.

Last night I was giving people hugs.

Me – “I wrote on my business’ Facebook page that if they check in on Facebook, they will get a free hug.  And people are loving this!  They timidly ask me about the hug after their massage in an indirect way and I lunge forward and squeeze them – they love it so much that tears well in their eyes.”

And so I started hugging people at the bar.  This one guy in particular loved all that I was saying and gave me a huge long hug.

Guy – “What is it about hugs that feel so good?”

Me – “Because they are non-sexual.  I don’t want anything from you, only to hug you.  It’s genuine love.  A lot of people are missing that.”

All the while my abuser is talking shit about me – now I can take a LOT of shit without getting angry or the slightest bit offended.  Young guys sharing the bar with us shook their heads saying, “that’s brutal.”

Me thinking – “Melanie what are you doing…is it worth it?  Yes it’s worth it.  She’s my friend, so of course it’s worth it.”

But it happened again today, a text message from her threatening to abandon the friendship.  It was about my last post.  She taken it personally.  She also called it delusional.

I told her I was being honest and that I would like to feel safe enough in our friendship where I was able to talk honestly without walking on eggshells.  She told me:  “This drama doesn’t work for me.  I wish you well.”

That is her typical remark anytime I claim a little bit of my esteem, she tries to rip it down.  Then of course, calls or texts me the next day wondering what I’m doing.

I told her I’d always be her friend, always there for her whether or not she pushes me away.  I let it go and stopped fighting her.  I stopped fighting her because I lost my interest in needing to please her, or prove my loyalty.  I already proved it up and down China town, but it was never enough, she wanted more.  She wanted to rip me apart and take that little piece of me that I could never get back – my soul and lifelong servitude.

Our relationship felt like we were intimate girlfriends.  She was the closest I ever came to feeling what it’s like to be in a relationship with a girl.

Me thinking – “No wonder why I’m not a lesbian.  This shit sucks.”

For these past several months now, since coming back from Colombia, I’ve spent every waking hour that I was able to – I spent it with her.  All other friends fell by the wayside.  She told me they are not real friends, they don’t care about me (she never even met them!).

I felt sincere guilt for going out with someone other than her.  I would include her as I know that it feels shitty not being included, but I still felt guilty.  If she were reading this right now she would say that the guilt is all in my head – it’s a reflection of my own problems, nothing to do with her.  Then she would probably tell me that she would love to punch me in the face – just one punch to make everything better.

That’s one thing that has me concerned.  The repercussions for writing this.  There are so many creative angles to get back at me and seek revenge.  I’m am not invulnerable.

If only I could hold myself back and not publish this, I wouldn’t have to worry – it will all be fine.  We will quietly go our separate ways, her being consoled with knowing I’ll always be there for her, and me being consoled for finding my strength and ability to let go.  But no, I have to publish this don’t I?  I have to risk it all and publish a stinkin’ post that may result in my death sentence.

The truth is that I really DO care about her.  And I meant it when I told her I’d always be there for her.  I’m so appreciative for meeting her and living through this experience.  She is my teacher, not my enemy.  She taught me so much that it would be ludicrous to ever be angry at her.  I confronted my emotional neediness and severed it’s hold on me.  It took such a powerful experience such as this to do it – she showed me and guided me to a whole new level of awareness.  And the place where I am now, is more amazing and profound than I ever felt before.

She’s in so much pain, I feel it.  I feel nothing but compassion and love for her, and always will.

Once I crossed over into another layer of awareness, I hit enlightenment again without ayahuasca.  It lasted for about an hour and I was once again tapped into the consciousness of the universe – seeping answers into me.  It was beautiful.

If you’re spiritual or religious (being religious IS spiritual), than you know we don’t die when we die.  If we don’t die, than why are we here?  THIS is why we’re here.  Exactly for this.  To learn these lessons because if we don’t, they will repeat themselves.  The universe wants us to evolve – it gives us guideposts and experiences that we have to survive through in order to see.  And through seeing, we can let go.

I have true remorse for hurting my friend.  It’s not my intension to hurt people – NEVER my intension because it hurts me too.  But I have to be honest, always.  I respect myself too much to deny my freedom of honesty. My intensions are to help shed light, and stay true to myself.

I don’t write my blog for fame or notoriety – let’s be honest here, that will never happen.  I write so I can share myself.  I write to give back.  I write my life and I’m including the entire world to see the spectacle.

I wrote a comment to a man who is still living in hurt from similar abuse to mine at:  http://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/why-am-i-so-damned-hard-on-myself/ 

My comment wraps everything up nicely:

Wow I totally relate to everything you just said! I too am a survivor of emotional abuse and it’s intense stuff! I lost friends over it because they taken the abusers side and looked at me as an emotional needy psycho. That’s what happens to victims, they become emotionally needy – it’s what keeps you in their web. It’s how they power over you.

These abusers keep entering into my life because I have not learned the lesson yet. Abusers will keep entering into your life too over and over again until you learn the lesson. The lesson is to let go of everything and to rise above it. What we resist persists. The universe brings you what you need most and that is to evolve and become a strong, aware being. The universe is trying to tell you that all you ever need is already inside of you. You don’t need anybody, all you need is yourself and to trust yourself, love yourself and detach from feelings of loneliness and unworthiness. You are just as smart and wonderful as any person out there!

I had an awakening today and finally I’m able to detach myself from the cycle of abuse and I feel zero hurt over it. Part of the way to let go is through compassion for yourself, feeling your true inner power and loving yourself.

Time heals open wounds, but leaves a scar. The only way for you to emerge unblemished is by awakening to your higher self – you will feel absolutely zero hurt and can actually feel compassionate for your abuser. Abusers abuse because they are hurt inside. They live each day in anger and resentment. They can not be fought with their own logic (insults, violence), but you must get yourself to that place where you feel no anger towards them, no hurt, no loss and just accept everything. It’s an amazing thing to feel.

I’m sending my love and best wishes your way. Look to God (your inner awareness) and trust the universe is there to teach. You will NEVER be alone. There are billions of people out there to meet and who will love you – just know they are there, and that will fill you with love.

You can be hard on yourself all you want, but the true cure for healing is self-compassion and compassion for others in pain.

You should read my last blog post, it might help. The universe brought me to you!

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Filed under journal, philosophy, Self help

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