Melanie on Emotional Abuse

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love psychology.  I really do.  It’s so important when it comes to understanding people and how they operate.  Once you understand, you can identify it – raising you above the emotional components and onto the higher objectionable view.  By not personifying the situation (getting emotionally involved and tangled in its web), you can see it for what it really is;  A bonafide clusterfuck.

There’s a diagnosis for just about everything and everyone.  There are as many mental disorders as there are bodily diseases.  No one is safe.

I was talking to my client the other day, a spiritual man seeking truth and awakening, and he told me more about Hindu beliefs.

Client – “Can you tell me what it felt like when you did ayahuasca?”

His massage was over and he was putting on his shoes.  I inhaled deeply and exhaled into a stream of conscience rhetoric.  I told him about the layers of awareness and that we are all here to learn.  We learn through suffering, we must let go of everything, there is a heaven, a hell, a God, yadda yadda blah blah, stuff I already wrote about several times over to the point where my ears bleed ayahuasca remnants.

Me – “And I didn’t know anything about the Hindu religion when I did ayahuasca, but I learned a little bit about it after coming back and everything Hinduism says, is exactly what I felt and understood when I was doing ayahuasca.  All the different unmaterialized worlds, the levels of awareness, learning through suffering, reaching Dharma, the highest peak, it was all information that was coming into me.  I was only able to understand the things I was ready to understand, or able to understand.  I would have to gain more levels before I can understand more.”

Client – “Well part of Hinduisms’ teaching is that earth is purgatory for us.  All of us have problems to work through.  We can’t go anywhere else, we keep reincarnating and coming back.”

I don’t know if I believe that.  It can’t be everyone, I don’t believe it’s everyone.  Come on now…And also I believe we have the choice to be reincarnated.  This place is hell compared to heaven (besides ending up in an actual hell world).

Most people adapt and form their character around circumstances.  They don’t know psychology or the terms used to identify their problem(s).  They don’t know philosophy or how to find truth without personifying it.  People grasp at translucent hairs of reason through use of emotions whether they be healthy or damaging emotions.  They rely and base their reasons using the same emotional level of the very thing they’re tying to understand.  It’s a loop that goes round and round.  People don’t know how to let it all go in order to see.

When you’re facing inward looking for answers, you’re not strong enough to see the bigger picture and all it’s profundities.  All you see are the circumstances you’re dealt.  The same circumstances that control your emotions and form your beliefs.  Nothing is done consciously.  Everything is done for survival.

I let my circumstances shape me, I’m not above it.  This is the letting go part.  I found a hidden aspect of my belief system that I have to let go of.  I have to let go of the chemical responses that I became addicted to.  I had a brisk awakening into who I am yesterday while I was massaging somebody’s scalp – it always happens when I massage the scalp!

My mother, when I was growing up, was emotionally abusive.  My brother was emotionally abusive as well.  Now, I love these people, I always loved them, but I was a tormented troubled kid.  They loved me and cared about me, so they tried to control me.  But they did it with emotional abuse.  By keeping me small-minded and tamed.  They wanted me to cling to them for safety.

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That’s a picture of me and my tyrannical mother.  If I had a kid that cute and sweet I would go a little ape shit too.  You always hurt the one’s you love.  And I totally understand where my mom was coming from.  She herself survived an abusive childhood.  I won’t get into her story, but it was intense to say the least.  She know’s how harsh this world can be and wanted to protect her little one with a few slaps to the head.

I grew to believe that taking abuse meant people cared about me, so I let it happen and willingly taken the blame for everything.  I always reflected on my mistakes and where I can change.  I listened to peoples criticisms because I thought they knew better.  I thought they knew better because I was never respected as a kid.  I grew into having an inferiority complex.  And started believing every negative thing ever said to or about me.

It’s because of my inferiority complex that keeps me in abusive relationships.  Their dominance over me somehow satisfies my desire to be controlled and cared for.

It was only during the start of last year when I began to break free and gain control of myself.  It was the great purge of 2012 is what I’m calling it.  It entailed great suffering on my part.

Anyway, things are looking clearer and brighter.  Now that I’m reading more about psychology, I have linear definitions to psychosis’ – not just my own elusive thoughts and reasoning.  I can stick a pin and diagnose what it is.  Diagnosis and terminology are very powerful antidotes to confusion.  The way K treated me in Nepal was text-book emotional abuse.  Humiliation in front of people, insults, verbal abuse, feeling worthless, walking on egg shells, feeling like I should be blamed, that I’m a burden and should be thankful to even be included in such a “wonderful” experience.

I scrolled through some topics on emotional abuse last night and it was like going through a check list – ALL were checked off.

Me – “Hole – lee – shit.”

They also said it starts with resentment.  K resented me and it built up over time leading to an explosion.  I felt like I needed to please her, to show that I’m trying and that I care – I became emotionally needy of her approval just as it is written in several articles about emotional abuse victims.  The person being abused becomes emotionally needy – not able to give enough or prove enough, always striving to please.  It’s what keeps me in the cycle of abuse.  It’s how they hold me in their web.

That’s what these people wanted most – for me to need them.

All my life I’ve dealt with these people.  Why?  Are they everywhere or am I just attracted to them because of my own childhood abuse?

It’s like everyone is caught up in a delusion.  And that delusion can destroy a person.  Resentment is a plague upon the mind – it eats up your time, eats up your heart and makes you crazy and mean.  If only people can lift the veil up over their eyes so they can see and take part in happiness and well-being.  Happiness and well-being is NOT boring.  It free’s your mind to let the good stuff in.  You become smarter, younger, able to solve problems because you can see them from a higher perspective.  And you’re able to laugh!  You can laugh at all those idiots wanking on each other in a cynical abusive circle-jerk.

Sure makes me want to drink beer though…

I’m sure there are moments when abusers are able to unveil and let go – to see reality.  But then something triggers them and they fall back into abusing as if that other world was the illusion, not their world.  The “illusion” world felt too good to be true.  It doesn’t fit into the matrix of their past experiences.  The matrix of their past see’s patterns everywhere.  It pulls the wool over their eyes, dampers reality, and they submit to their pattern-seeking survival mode of self-preservation.  Everything is relative and everything connects.

If there’s an emotionally abusive person reading this, ask yourself why?  What triggers your mood swings?  From what I read last night, anything that compromises your self-worth is a trigger.  Any time you feel humiliated, degraded, over-looked, threatened, treated poorly – all spur extremely high negative emotions that spiral into anger, hate, resentment.  These are not pleasant things to feel, so why do people feel them?  Because they feel they are right and their world is whats real.  They end up living everyday in pain and delusion.

How did this happen to them?  Because they are victims themselves.  They were belittled and emotionally / physically abused at some point in their lives.  They had an abuser that got in their head and made them feel worthless, stupid, or ugly.  They became emotionally needy of others, and started lashing out whenever they felt they were being mistreated.  Instead of taking abuse, these people flipped the coin into the far opposite end of the spectrum and became the abusers.  Their victims became an outlet to place their own resentment.

And being the victim is no better.  When a victim is caught in their web, being emotionally needy, believing they are unloveable – they are essentially using the same emotional level that their abuser is using.  They are fully in it.  It’s a cycle.  An endless tug of war.

We are living in the entitlement era.  Everyone’s self-worth has skyrocketed beyond politic humility.  Everyone feels they deserve to be happy, to be treated good and fair and that everyone should pitch in to ensure their entitled well-being.  They blame others for their own mistakes because it’s not feasible that a sensible person such as themselves can ever be wrong.

It’s a fast paced world of instant gratification.  No time for reflection, just the next scoop of ice-cream, change the channel on the tv, masterbate to whatever hits your fancy on the discreet inter-web of limitless entertainment and folly.

Everything is instant.  No room for new thought or self discovery – just survive and be happy and whoever takes away your self-worth must suffer the consequences.

Abusers usually hide their abuse and only take it out on a special few, but in their world, anyone can be a target.

These people like to judge.  Judgement puts them in a higher position and they are able to control and navigate better.  If they see someone below them, whether the person is ugly, stupid or unsuccessful, the abuser feels contempt for them.  A sort of disgust.  If a person is equal to them in status, they feel anger.  And if a person has higher status, they feel resentment.

In today’s society, this behavior is prevalent everywhere.  The more entitled we feel, the further we move away from compassion and God, our source of self-love and awareness.

If a person is deemed ugly, heavy, or inelegant – that person will feel their self-worth plummet and they too will become abusive people seeking higher status and self-worth.

If a person is deemed handsome or beautiful, they will feel above everyone and feel entitled to be treated better than average.  And no one of lower status should get the same treatment as they do.

It’s insane!  Am I just being nuts here or what?  This shit is  E V E R Y W H E R E.

And of course it leads into narcissism, needing a supply and what-not, but that’s yet another fecal fest.

Shit just got real here people.  Open your eyes and take a good hard look at your crapulous self and ask if you’re the person you think you are.

Whew, okay I think I’m done for the night.  Stick a fork in me.  I either spewed truth and righteousness or I’m a ranting raving lunatic, it’s hard to tell.

2 Comments

Filed under All about me, philosophy, Self help

2 responses to “Melanie on Emotional Abuse

  1. Pingback: Letting Go | melanie's blog

  2. Pingback: Melanie’s all over the place today. In today’s entry: Why People are compelled to get married, being enlightened, and the meaning behind Bob Marley’s song lyrics. | melanie's blog

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