This is a sad post. Skip over it if you can.


Poodle (Photo credit: radzfoto)

My dead dog keeps haunting my dreams.  He’s been haunting me since he died 10 years ago.  He’s the only real regret I have in life, that I wasn’t there for him when he died.

This morning before waking up was the worst dream yet.  The dream stole a scene from the movie Life of Pi and hit me hard.  I cried when I woke up today.

In the dream, I was in someone’s house.  They were teaching me about animals and their behavior.  There was a little dog there that looked like my old poodle, Spudz, but it wasn’t him.

Woman – “You see this dog?  He’s going to be food for this animal here.”

There was a carnivorous ferocious animal in the room with us.  I forgot what kind of animal he was, but he was a nasty creature.  I was to learn the habits of this nasty creature and how he adapts and lives.

Me – “I can’t stay here to watch, I have to leave.”

Woman – “You have to watch it, it’s part of your learning.”

Me – “I can’t do it, I’m sorry.”

I went to get up to leave and as I was walking out, the nasty animal attacked the dog’s neck, yanking it it down.

Me – “NO! NO! Make him stop!  Stop him!  Get away, go!”

But it was too late and the poodle was already wounded.  I felt I needed to stay there with him, so he’s not alone during the process.

Woman – “The creature isn’t done with him yet.  This can go on for some time.  You have to let nature happen.”

Me – “No, not with this dog.  Not with this dog.”

That’s when the dog turned into Spudz, my old toy poodle that I had from 8 years old until I was 22.  I’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved that dog.  He was always there for me, but I wasn’t there for him when it really mattered.  This guilt I have for not being there when he died is unrelenting and only getting worse.  I’m dreaming of him constantly and in each dream, I’m always trying to protect him from something.

Woman – “You can’t stop it from happening.”

The nasty creature attacked Spudz again.

I held him in my arms sobbing, unable to stop the beast from gauging.

I couldn’t leave him, I just couldn’t.  Towards the end, Spudz was a hideous looking animal with no face, no arms or legs, he just squirmed and wailed in my arms.

That’s when I woke up crying and grabbing for my picture of him.  I kissed it and said I’m sorry over and over again.  This is the one thing in my life that I can’t let go of.

When it comes to people, I’m always there for them.  I’m always in the hospital when loved ones lay sick and dying.  I was always there for friends – I’m not a guilty person for anything accept when it comes to this dog who haunts my dreams.

I can’t believe I’m crying again.  Goddamn you Spudz, you silly dog.  It’s a lesson that I’ll never get over.  Even if I forgive myself, it doesn’t matter.

I can’t think about this any longer.  I’m in work and my next client wouldn’t appreciate his therapist crying over a pet that died over 10 years ago.  I mean really, who does this?  If anyone out there know’s how to get over guilt, clue me in.


Filed under journal

2 responses to “This is a sad post. Skip over it if you can.

  1. Sorrow is always stubborn, but bringing reason to bear does help. What kind of reason? Thnking that you are not alone, but suffer along with all of humanity; that death is natural, indeed imortality would be a curse; that you gave your companion a wonderful life. Living in the past, we miss the living moment–if another sorrow arrives, how you might yearn for this moment. I lost Katie on Januaury 22, 2013. I love her with all my heart. There are no really satisfying words to describe loss, but I shouldl not love most what I have lost and also loose the present.

    • Thanks Laura, your words are comforting. It helped me to write about it instead of keeping it inside. Blogging is a great catharsis for me. I’m sorry about Katie. I once heard a quote that pain is the place where God enters you. It’s so true! I wouldn’t be the person I am today without these experiences.

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