Tell Me How High To Jump

When I was 13 I had an overbearing friend who bossed me around like I was her puppet.  All my classmates and even my parents called me her puppet doing everything I’m told.  My friend, Peg, wouldn’t let me have any other friends, and once I turned 15, told me I wasn’t allowed to get a job because she would never see me.  We fought constantly.

Part of my personality welcomes in controlling people.  When I’m at my lowest, I like being controlled and told what to do.  But in the end, I get crushed by these domineering types.  I please them to the point where my acquiescence no longer satisfies them.  They are left constantly wanting more and more until all my resources are tapped out and it turns into resentment. I let people do as they please with me.  Especially after I had a few beers.

Everyone must know what I’m talking about here.  Everyone had a friend like that (or was that friend) at some point.  So automatically when anyone tells you what to do, you assume it’s coming from that domineering personality type that is trying to control you, and not from a caring, loving place.  It’s the universal response to protect your beliefs, protect yourself and that it’s the other guy with the problem, not you.

Dave invited me to his  work Christmas party and I told him sure.  I haven’t seen the guy since that episode at the Zen bar, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to smooth things over.  I told Amy I was going to see him, and to put it lightly, she said it was a bad idea.  She said she doesn’t hang around with hypocrites.  And that I’ll be going against everything I wrote about him in my blog.

In the past, when anyone threatened to abandon me, my first reaction was to obey and do as I’m told.  And that whatever I was doing was wrong and hurting someone.

But then I lived and learned.  I gained control of my life and there’s only my higher-self holding the strings now, no one else orchestrating this unrehearsed melody of Melanie.

So when Amy said that to me, I got upset at her.  I was untrusting of her intensions, thinking they suited herself more than they did me.  My first reaction was to assume that she was of the domineering personality type, trying to control me as others have done in the past.

But then I stepped back from my ego and heard her out.  Her intentions were actually coming from a loving caring place.  I felt she was right and so I reverted back to my original reaction to obey.  If I didn’t obey, our friendship was doomed.  Just as it was with Kristie.  How many friendships do I have to give up just to have drunken nights out with a cheating, manipulative liar of a man?  Is he worth it?  No!

This has been a hard year for me losing people.  I lost them because I’m starting to gain awareness of myself and them.  They lost their power to control me.

So to recap, first I was protecting myself by blaming someone else for seeing reason where I was unable to, then I listened to her and obeyed, letting fear (of losing another friend) guide me – two unaware responses that I’m trying to break free of.  There’s only one person I should listen to, and that’s my higher-self.

If I see Dave again, that’s like saying I acquiesce.  I allow and agree with who he is.  That I should forgive him so he can forgive me.  But who am I forgiving?  It’s not a matter of forgiveness, but a matter of letting this type of person back into my life.  I already forgave him, but now I’m letting go.

No matter what I do, no matter who I listen to, someone will get hurt.  Would I rather hurt the girl trying to help me?  Or the degenerate deteriorating my life?

I just want to be loved and for everyone to get along.  My heart is shaded in grey, there is no black and white with me.  I’m not a cut-my-losses clean slate type of girl, I cling.  I cling with the thought that nobody deserves such a harsh judgment.  I myself been judged up and down China Town, being left to the sharks in this ugly crusade of life.  And here I am doing it to Dave, throwing him to the sharks.  Letting him battle the monsters alone.

The grey in me let’s others in.  It’s their way into me and they know it.  It’s a messy dark place where all my strings lay tangled, waiting for someone to take control and clean up the mess.  I let them do it – I welcome it even.

Amy isn’t trying to control me, she’s trying to keep me strong so I can control myself.  These people, these Melanie Hater’s, don’t deserve me. They need to stick to their own kind, and not mess with me, a sensitive girl who can’t handle others unconscious cruelty. I’m trying to make it through life solitary – just like we’re meant to.  I’ll share myself with those who deserve it, my time is precious.  I choose to be with others – I choose to, I don’t need to.

In my heart I feel that that is what those domineering types wanted all along from me.  They wanted me to need them.  And as soon as they won me over, they can either let me go or traipse all over me.

People say I’m aloof, that I’m unemotional, in a box, but that’s far from the truth.  The truth is, I’m in complete control of myself.  I use common sense.  I write everything out as plainly as I can.  Ayahuasca told me to let these people go, they will only cause more hurt.  Amy is telling me to let them go, and they don’t deserve me.

My first reaction was to blame Amy for making me choose, my second reaction was to acquiesce to her demands (first anger, then fear), my third action is simple.  To listen to myself, listen to common sense.  This guy is bad.  A manipulator, a user, a liar and dangerous with a gun.  Amy is trying to save me from being woo’d all over again.

It’s tough love really, that’s all it is.  Sometimes it takes a hard hand to slap me back into place.  I trust that she’s doing it out of love.  I could have lied to her about it, but lying is cheap and easy.  Lying let’s me not have to face anything, especially myself.

I hate listening to me write.  I hate the sound of my words.  They’re so sterile.  Stenciled, prefabricated, cookie-cutter.  It’s like using a clean hyper dermic needle that’s been sterilized in a vacuum sealed bag, only to be taken out when I’m ready to neatly drain my veins, then swab away the mess – leaving no dribble, no loose ends.  Where’s the carnage?  Where’s the gore?  I want to rip myself apart to assemble back together again.  Give me a hacksaw chained to my wrist with a note attached saying “I want to play a game.”

It’s like an old elitist woman daintily dotting the corners of her mouth with her embroidered napkin, snuffing out the blood on her cheek from eating a raw beef tar tar carcass.  You can’t hide the carnage lady, don’t even try.  Yes you are eating the flesh of a dead animal – RAW!

The truth is, without Amy, I no doubt would be crawling back to Dave.  Forgiving everything he did, and then apologizing profusely for writing horrid things about him in my blog.  I’m not strong enough on my own to resist him.  I’m not strong enough to be alone in this world.  That’s my real weakness.  That I feel I don’t deserve better than Dave.  He’s it.  He’s what I deserve.

I’m not the needy type, but I live for the comfort of knowing someone else out there other than my parents care about me.  Kristie cared about me, but I ruined it.  I blamed her for trying to control me when really she only cared.  My ego got in the way.  My brother cares about me, he hates Dave.  My old friends may have seen Dave for who he really is, but didn’t care enough to tell me.  I would have listened.

Anyway, Amy has my heart.  I’ll choose her over Dave any day.

2 Comments

Filed under All about me, random thoughts, Self help

2 responses to “Tell Me How High To Jump

  1. Yes it is hard, I have seen others about to make a mistake and said nothing, thinking it is none of my business, I said nothing for fear of loss of the friendship. I have helped pick up the pieces afterwards too, and wished I had said something. Well dome Amy and well done you for listening to the brave voice of others.

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