I‘m in the process of transferring all my new blog entries over here to my old blog. I left for while in order to escape the ranting raving lunatics out to destroy me.
This is a personal journal blog of a very normal girl with a boring life, so you won’t gain many insights by reading it. Go ahead now, move along. Really….
The following was posted October 28, 2012.
There’s a storm a-brewin’. Hurricane Sandy, my mothers name, that’s fitting.
“The size of this alone, affecting a heavily populated area, is going to be history making,” said Jeff Masters, a hurricane specialist who writes a blog posted on the Weather Underground (www.wunderground.com).
Forecasters said Sandy was a rare, hybrid “super storm” created by an Arctic jet stream wrapping itself around a tropical storm, possibly causing up to 12 inches of rain in some areas, as well as heavy snowfall inland.
I’m sitting in my office listening to the Mumford & Sons station on Pandora. I LOVE Mumford & Sons. If my life were a movie, Mumford & Sons would take up much of the soundtrack.
Quietly sitting and blogging, feeling melancholia, not demanding anything. Just sitting quietly with my face softly relaxed, my eyes curiously unperturbed. Acoustic fingers strumming the keys in a slow deliberate melody.
I want to write. I want to write the life out of me, but I have a client coming in any minute. First one of the day. I feel inspired – I hate to waste it by giving a massage that will be forgotten in a week – I’d rather blog and have it last.
It’s going to be a long day. I’ll be here until 8pm.
I have so much to do, set up an LLC for my business, sponsor a child from Guatemala, clean out my closet, pay my property taxes, make a vision board, respond to email, and write. Just fall fast and write free.
I want to feel the electricity of this storm – it’s power dwarfing my physical being making me feel mortal and human – at the mercy of nature.
Damn I sound like a damn fool.
I’m going to lose power no doubt. No movies, no video games, no blog. Just reading and sleeping. Eating all the ice cream in the freezer before it melts.
They say this hurricane is bigger than Irene. That’s a pretty big deal. And the chances of it hitting us on the same day it hit last year, is astronomical.
I went out last night with two very good friends, Sarah and Amy. They never met before. I love it when kindred spirits meet each other for the first time. I have lots of friends scattered all around in different circles, so I go from one to the other, not feeling like I have a place – but when friends meet, this sounds cheesy (super cheesy) but it’s like starting a new little family that has shared joys and experiences. And I’m no longer being pulled in all directions, it’s all there in one place. It’s a place to put my heart. To place my whole heart and not just fragments of it. It’s a place to build roots deep in time so we can all go back to them and cherish the moments together. We freeze in time, never growing old in despair and loneliness.
There I go sounding like a damn fool again. Seriously, who talks like this in person?
And when I feel a friend is separating me from their other worlds of family, keeping me a dark dirty secret, it baffles me. I feel like I’m an embarrassment or not good enough to know the other places where their heart resides. I like to keep my heart whole by sharing – spreading the wealth of love.
So yeah, when I like people, I want them to unite and get along. They both really liked each other….
They are both part of the elite 10% crowd of free thinkers. Sarah was the only one of my friends that actually stuck up for me when I returned home from Nepal. She confronted K and told her how wrong it was to leave me behind (she will never admit to leaving me behind. Never admit to kicking me out of the group – never).
None of my other friends did this. They listened to K bad mouthing me and didn’t say one word in my defense – because they are all part of that 90% group of malleable idiots. It’s not that they’re bad, just idiots. Idiots that don’t know the meaning of friendship, or the meaning of anything meaningful – they know nothing and care about nothing, only themselves. But they’re not bad people. I can’t go around thinking that everyone’s horrible. Well, it was horrible being told I had to apologize for my behavior in Nepal. That was by far the most horrible, vile act of an anti-friend. I suffered tremendously, but it wasn’t anything I did – it had nothing to do with me, it’s them. It’s their weakness for not knowing compassion. They’re just not there yet. And to actually deny that she ever said that, purposely to avoid apologizing and admitting she was wrong, makes it easier to see that these people are who they are, will never change and it’s in my best interest to drop them. Forever onward I let go and march.
I’m awakening myself to better quality people. My old anxiety and sleepless nights have ended with my old “friendships.”
And as for Amy, she’s definitely a little hero. After hearing her defy Dave by telling him off, she doesn’t give a fuck about conforming and playing it nice. Living in denial and lying to herself – no way, hell no, not her. Being bold and trusting herself is all part of awareness. Honesty is the character trait that sets the 10% crowd apart from the rest. Brutal, real honesty – not being honest out of spite or meanness, but being truthful out of respect and compassion and ok, a little frustration.
I hear my client in the elevator.
It’s Sunday. A day for family and relaxation, and here I am taking shit loads of clients and writing a blog that nobody reads.
I have more breathing room to write without having everyone’s noses in it.
It was the best decision switching places. I don’t want them jerks reading my life – they lost that right. And now they won’t get all pissy if they read something supposedly hurtful. People who don’t know compassion, get defensive. Selfishness breeds defensiveness. It’s inward and unaware. I get defensive when I don’t understand something, when I see no truth to behind whats being said. But in here, in my space, it’s all true to me.
My journey into self discovery and finding truth didn’t start in Nepal, it started before at the beginning of the year. It started with Christina, the woman who wanted to destroy me. That’s where the journey began – that’s where the answers are hidden! My lesson in all this was to grow a pair and see the truth behind people’s actions – to be strong and stand up for myself because by standing up for myself, I’m also making a stand for everyone else, not just me. I have a strong voice that rings true, and I had to find myself, find my own strength and courage to use it. In the process, ripping down everyone’s false pride.
But by going back to the very beginning, back to Massage Envy when I handed over my resignation letter, I was handing over something much bigger. A statement that defines me. A statement that declares, I can never be beaten.
When I was under Aya, I sat staring into the fire. Darkness all around me, people quietly enjoying their own new found beauty while I sat alone silently discovering my own. My unlit cigarette dangled from my lips, my eyes welling up with tears to one escaping down my cheek. I stared into the fire and said to myself out loud as if discovering for the first time, “I’m awesome.”
Complete realization struck me. That I really am awesome. I’m amazing. I’m powerful and good. I’ve been given the gifts of creativity, able to create beauty and artful things, I’ve been given the gift of talent and now for the first time I understood, “not everyone can do these things. Not everyone can do what I do.”
I also understood that people love me completely. I am awesome.
“Then why do people hate me? Why do they not want me around?”
Aya – “You’re a martyr.”
This went over my head. I didn’t understand.
Me – “But why? Why me?”
Aya – “People take their pain out on you. Because you let them.”
She didn’t answer my question completely. I was confused and didn’t understand.
Me – “But why me?”
Aya – “…..”
It was like I wasn’t ready to be given the answer. I had to learn it on my own. It was a process and I had to let it unfold in stages.
I chalked it up to people using me up like a tissue to throw away, getting their fill of me than tossing the garbage aside, but that’s not it. That doesn’t take me back to the beginning of my journey – the start of it all with Massage Envy. The answer was there if only I saw the purpose and direction where all this was going.
It started with Christina wanting to destroy my reputation at Envy.
After L slept with my ex while I was over her house, I tossed it around in my head as to why.
“She wasn’t thinking, she just likes guys a lot, that’s all. It was nothing personal. Nothing personal.”
That was a complete brush-off answer. I didn’t feel like thinking about it anymore, it was too painful and I needed to let it go – but my anger was still there, my hurt was still there.
“No, this isn’t done yet, there’s still more. Why can’t I let it go?’
I couldn’t let it go because the lesson I needed to learn was in there. My spirit was in turmoil, calling out to me telling me to keep trying, that I’m so close to getting it. And once I got it, I can let it go.
Me – “What am I missing? How can I let this go?”
Me – “How did this start? It started in Nepal. Okay, what happened there that I need to realize? No, it didn’t start in Nepal. It started at Envy!”
With Christina, the Lead Therapist. I was repelled by her – not in disgust or dislike (I disliked her but didn’t understand why), it was more like a polarity. Two magnets repelling each other, only she was moving in while I was moving away. She wanted to get to know me, she was nice, but I still taken no interest. I’m a puzzle to people. Some want to break me down and learn how I tick. Christina was envious of me – of me as a person. I was contented, well liked, I held more power and influence than she. Once she realized I taken no interest in getting to know her, did she start resenting me. She resented me and my awesome goodness. She resented my happiness and ability to be myself. She hated everything about me that she couldn’t possess herself.
She wanted to get to know me better in order to steal pieces of me. The parts I cherish. She wanted them for herself. But with me not willing to part with them, she became set on destroying me. And it wasn’t just me, it was everyone who resembled me – everyone that liked me basically. She felt separated from the rest of the pack, she put herself on a high horse and set to work.
Envy is a form of evil. It’s not her as a person, but the situation she put herself in that brought this on. She is a good person, just made bad decisions, not purging her old beliefs because she’s too stubborn and think she’s always right. That frame of mind set up the foundation for Envy. It’s so weird that that’s the name of the business I was in. Coincidence? I think not.
She couldn’t have me, so she wanted to destroy me. To eliminate the reminder that she is not as wonderful as she thinks. To eliminate a person like me, allows her to go about her life without hindrances. It’s so clear to me now – all of it is so clear.
It’s me as a person that makes me a martyr. I push others away when I think they’re getting close. The same thing happened with K. Our tiff started way before Nepal, Nepal was only the pinnacle (coincidence we were climbing a summit? I think not.) I kept pushing her away because I could never fully understand her. Like she was always trying to hide something, and I knew it wasn’t a good thing whatever it was she was hiding. I never knew what it was, but knew it wasn’t good.
K was also envious of me. She set out to destroy me in Nepal, ruining my trip and my reputation with the new people I was meeting. She had it in her head subconsciously or not, to see me destroyed. She’s envious of who I am and what I have. She’s envious that everybody loves me. She resented me because I didn’t need her, for wanting no part of her. Her pain became my pain. It became my pain because I let her do it to me. I bent over and took it. I relinquished my power to her and let her satisfy her thirst from resentment. Nothing more to resent from a beaten horse that lost everything.
I let it happen. I knew she would take me down one day, I didn’t know why, I didn’t know how, but I just knew.
And the friend who turned her back on me when I got back. The girl who told me point blank that I needed to take responsibility and apologize. She’s part of the malleable 90% of idiots. K got into her head with her devious manipulations and told lie after lie about me, softening my friend up to turn against me. And that’s just what happened. But it wasn’t just K that turned her, it was also me. I did it too. I also pushed her away. I started pushing away when I couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t including me in her life anymore. That was a whole other issue that I was still hung up on, still hurt and couldn’t let it go.
“What’s wrong with me? Am I an embarrassment? Why is she mean every time I confront her about it?”
She was also hell-bent on destroying me. I understood finally that it didn’t have anything to do with me being an embarrassment. It was the complete opposite! She was upset that all her friends liked me more than they liked her. In fact, one of her friends (a brutally honest 10% hero girl) said flat-out, “We like her more than we like you.” She actually said that! Right in front of me, right in front of my friend.
I didn’t appreciate her bluntness. I found it crass and harsh. I don’t like seeing my friends being bullied. But now looking back, she’s part of the elite 10% group, and hearing her say that (in present time at least), makes me understand now, what the hell was really happening.
Again, envy. Evil despicable envy. She set out destroying me just like everyone else. Taking sides with K – perfect match up. They both have a disturbing silent hate towards me that neither of them wants to confront, not ever. They want me to feel what they feel.
I switched blogs just in time! For them to read this, they would laugh themselves silly.
“Oh my god….Melanie is so fucking high on herself. The whiny bitch won’t stop. Go ahead and keep telling yourself you’re great if it makes you feel better, you fool.”
I don’t want them getting to me anymore. They can’t anymore anyway. It’s done and it’s over.
And the whole thing with L and Dave, well, truth be told I did feel guilty after writing the last post in my old blog. I hurt her, I know I did. And I feel crummy because of it. But I love my blog, I defend it with all my pride and honor. The thing with L, it’s safe to say that I can finally let that go as well. All of these breakthroughs are related to all the hurts people caused me. L did what she did because she likes me so much and wants to be like me. She wanted what I had, and I had Dave. I completely had him under my wing (or spell). She wanted what I had, so set her sights on him. And to do it right there in front of me was her small way of destroying me, taking away the power I have over people and giving it to herself, showing me she’s just as special.
And this goes for Dave as well, he couldn’t have me the way he wanted, so he forced himself on L in front of me as a way to say, “Hey look, I don’t need you after all!”
I never wanted these people to need me. I hate being needed.
I pushed all these people away and brought this resentment on myself. I created this drama, but I created it as a way to learn. I wanted to understand people better, I wanted to understand myself better. I created all of this, I’m the monster. I’m the monster who brought out the monster in everyone. I created the circumstances, put my friends in there and they let it define them without defining themselves.
This is quite possibly the most narcissistic and vain that I ever sounded in a post. This is the most vain I ever felt. Everything revolves around me, I’m brilliant and amazing, I’m gravity, I’m talent. And no, you can’t have me. And no, you can’t fool me into liking you.
And this goes for Matt too! He dropped me as soon as I got back from Colombia. He said I didn’t care about him and that I waisted all that money on a stupid trip for nothing, risked my life and made him worry. But he secretly hated that I didn’t want to be with him intimately. He couldn’t have me just like everybody else can’t have me, I pushed him away, he resented me and resented my awesome experience in Colombia. It caused him more pain being with me, than it did to abandon me like he promised he never would.
No, this can’t be right. But if it’s not right, than how am I able to let it all go now? Why’s it so easy for me to breathe again? I can look and see what all this really is, so simple and intertwined and I would’ve never fathomed in a millions years it’s because people want what I have. It doesn’t make any sense. But why do I feel like I can let go of the hurt now? To finally be done with it? I was so heartbroken for the longest time, looking for a reason, trying to understand. Pointing the finger at myself, wondering what’s wrong with me and if I really AM that embarrassing to be seen with. Did I just prophesize an answer that makes me feel good? An answer that I’m able to accept? No one wants to own up to their shortcomings, is that what this is? Avoidance?
I don’t know. It’s just that all this time I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong, trying to see where I can better myself, and admit I messed up. What a relief that would be! To finally understand! But no, I don’t understand what I’ve done. I’ve been killing myself over this. Trying to find where I went wrong. But these people never felt any kind of remorse, no kind of guilt, not wondering where they went wrong. I took the blame for everything! And if they ever read this post, they would be smirking ear to ear in enjoyment of this freak show I call my brain. That’s why they continued to read, to fill their empty hearts with my pain.
“Lets tell L to read her blog! That will bring more anguish! Who cares if it hurts L, she has a right to know anyway.”
“Lets tell Dave to read her blog! That way she’ll surely have no one left and she can see how wrong she is.”
Fuck it, I give up. I’m going with what makes the most sense to me and I’m taking the blame off of me. This all stemmed from their own insecurities, not mine. If I’m right, than Aya was right about the martyr thing. Now I get it.
My last client of the day just got here. She’s in the potty. I can’t stay after to blog because of the storm. I have to wash my sheets before we lose power but God damn I want to publish this freaking thing. Make it permanent. A permanent fixture in the life of Mel.