Slurring my Days


ayahuasca (Photo credit: Christoph Zurbuchen)

This has been a long two weeks.  I was enchanted during much of it.  I don’t know what today is, don’t know how many days it’s been since I got back from Colombia.  I’ve kept my head low, working a few hours each day and then drinking for the rest of them.

Yesterday was my first ayahuasca flash back experience.  I taken a nap during the day before my new friend Amy came to pick me up for a night of wonderous binge drinking.

It was during my nap where I experienced the full-fledged Colombian flashback.  I dreamt I was still there in that drafty bungalow, my two older roommates asleep downstairs making me feel safe and loved – making me feel bonded to them for life from our shared ayahuasca dreams.

When I awoke in my bedroom, I had no idea where I was.  I couldn’t recognize my own bedroom.  I looked around completely puzzled about my whereabouts.  A video game sat paused on my tv screen accompanied by its weird psychedelic background music.  I stared at it puzzled, not understanding what it was.  It was like I was being born all over again and looking at everything for the first time.  Then Amy texted me.  I read the text and started coming down off the trip.

“This is my bedroom.  I’m back home.”

I didn’t want to be back home.

Amy came to get me and she boozed me up real nice.  I taken her to happy Tuesday and she met the old perverted men and Dave.  I was exhausted, drunk, and had no idea what was happening around me.  One minute I was singing a drunken limerick, and in the next I found myself sitting passenger in my friend Lisa’s car taking me back to Cheshire.  I was being taken to have yet another discussion with an ex-friend who disowned me and now wants to talk again.

Lisa and Steph drove all the way to Jersy Joe’s to get me and make this night happen.  I appreciate them caring and even love them for it, but I was a rag doll.  It reminded me of my first ayahuasca experience of allowing myself to relax and surrender to the spirit inside the medicine.

Ralph – “If you trust her, ayahuasca, and you surrender to her, she will take care of you.”

I surrendered myself to the moment.  I let those girls pick me up and sit me down in front of the disowning friend.  Lamb going to slaughter.

I had made up my mind to give up and stop caring about my friends ditching me.  They have huge issues with me and I don’t want to change who I am to conform to what they want me to be, which is a huge ass kissing submissive loser – um, no thanks.

It was a weird long night.

One of my arguments was about me not being invited out to see Becca, Delilah and Becky anymore – I haven’t seen them in five or so years and would like to some day be able to see them again.  My disowning friend told me no, not just no, but a huge blatant NO!, arguing to me that they’re not my friends.  They’re not my friends even though I used to see them all the time, went to Delilah’s wedding, been over to all their houses, but, no, now I’m not allowed to see them anymore.

Disowning friend – “I’m going to see them on the 18th and if none of this was going on, I would have invited you.”

She is so full of shit!  She told me I was not invited – will never be invited and to stop asking.  The only reason she brought it up that she was seeing them was to hurt me and rub it in my face.  It’s monstrous and mean.

She also lied that she never told me that I needed to apologize to K, and that she never said I did things to annoy and frustrate my travel companions in Nepal.  She was lying most of the night, trying to make me look like the bad guy – fuck it is what I say.  I honestly don’t care anymore.  Either I’m finally above it, or I lost interest.  I don’t know which.

And K, the girl who made my life miserable in Nepal, I’m not positive, but pretty damn sure she left me a comment on my Nepal post.  You can read it here.  It sounds like her words and she picked a screen name that sounds like it could be her.  It’s passive aggressive and annoying for her to write a stinkin’ anonymous comment like that.  I know I sound like a dreadful bitch right now, but I put up with way too much shit to always be the forgiving nice one – I’m sick of being nice!  K will never apologize, never say she’s sorry for putting me through hell – in her own eyes she’s perfect and did nothing wrong.  She’s a narcissist of the worst kind.  You can read my reply to her comment here.

I’m done with being everyone’s chew toy.

I’m super tired.  I just got off the phone with Matt, who is stressing me out big time.  I don’t feel like writing about it, it’s a whole separate issue.  I got lots of shit going on and I just want to sleep and run away.

Amy, this girl I just met three days ago invited me to stay with her at her cabin in the woods for four days in VT.  She’s a friend of a friend that asked our mutual for my number.  It’s moving really fast.  I hung out with her for only two days and already she’s given me total access to her secluded cabin in the woods.  Should I be worried?  Yes, maybe a little.  Why do I always end up doing scary things?

I still need to write about Colombia.  It was amazing and awesome and very few people will understand it.  You have to be really open-minded and non-judgmental when reading it.  It’s a personal journey that should be private, but my life is anything but.

Last night I was sitting at a table with Steph, Lisa and the ex-friend.

I rub my head while mumbling – “I wish everyone will stop reading my blog.”

All three of them – “Then stop writing in it!”

I’m not sure if this blog is my saviour or my sin.  People read it and rip it open seam to seam and gnaw at its’ insides, taking every word personal, cannibalizing my journal into their own little personal black box of malcontent.  It’s not meant for them, it’s meant for me.

I’m so freaking tired.  It’s been a long few weeks.  Amy’s cottage sounds very appealing.


Filed under journal

2 responses to “Slurring my Days

  1. Pingback: Ayahuasca in Colombia – A story about my Spiritual Retreat and Enlightenment | melanie's blog

  2. Pingback: It’s either all or nothing | melanie's blog

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