I’m at the cottage in Rhode Island sipping on rum & cokes. I had a long week.
I went to see Godsmack yesterday with Dave. He decided to invite his ex-girlfriend, the woman who hates me and continues to send me erroneous Facebook messages. She showed up just before Stained came on.
Dave basically gave me an ultimatum.
Dave – “You don’t want to date. I’m sorry but I need somebody. Is that somebody you? I don’t think you want it to be.”
I was stoned and drunk when he laid this on me.
Me – “What about a grey area? Isn’t there always a grey area?”
Dave – “Yes there is always a grey area. We can keep it in the grey.”
We clanked our 24 oz bud light cans that cost $11 (Dave paid) each and drank to that.
Heather came back from the bathroom and was all over him.
The day before, I was to see my ex-friends at the museum party – and yes I invited myself. I waited until they called me to see if they wanted me to go but no, they never called and left without me. So I called Dave to go with me.
Dave is my best bud. He’s always there for me and continues to love the crap out of me. And once he has a few beers, he hugs me, touches my face – always has at least one hand on me.
I love it. I love to be held and nurtured and Dave provides that for me. He was there at the museum party for me. I was going up against my old friends who outgrown me. I was going to see people who don’t count me in their lives anymore and Dave was there for emotional support. I felt wonderful the whole night because he was there. I felt like myself. I felt good.
Thats why It killed me to see him with Heather at the concert. Stained came on and played a song that I hear all the time on the radio, I forgot the name. But it made me depressed as hell.
Dave – “Are you okay? Sorry this is weird. Are you mad at me?”
Me – “No I’m not mad, I’m fine.”
I sat on the lawn hugging my knees to my chest. It was cold and I was shivering. Dave put his arm around Heather to warm her.
I tried texting holly to see if I could come over. She said she was going to sleep. I text and text her over again. I didn’t know what I was doing. Just that I needed someplace else to go.
I was listening to some sappy slow song when I called her.
Holly – “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re drunk and high! I’m sorry but I’m not doing it!”
I told Dave I was going to the bathroom but decided to go home instead. I stumbled back to the McDonalds where I parked my car. I arrived at an empty parking space to see my car missing.
My car got towed.
There I was with absolutely no money, my phone on 9% power and no car. It got cold out. I was shivering, an emotional wreck and I didn’t know what to do. I had no clue what to do.
I was a mile away from the concert, and wouldn’t be allowed back in. Dave was with Heather, he had no car of his own and couldn’t even drive since he got a DUI. Mary, a girl we went there with was completely annihilated somewhere also with a dead phone battery.
So there I was outside Micky D’s hungry, drunk, stoned, and I was in one of the most dangerous cities in the US, all by myself and not even able to afford anything off the dollar menu.
I broke down. I’m still broken.
Some young man gave me the rest of his French fries like I was a homeless. I gratefully ate them.
Then Heather pulled up. I don’t know how she got there or why she didn’t just leave me. Her boyfriend is in love with me, but she still came to my aide.
Holly called Dave and told him I was in trouble.
Heather – “You owe me $20 for missing Godsmack.”
Me – “Okay you got it. Anything you need. Thank you so much Heather.”
Heather – “I’m just kidding. I saw them tons of times.”
I wanted to hug her. I can’t remember if I did.
They drove me to the impound and I got my car back for $120 (money I don’t have). I couldn’t get my car back until I gave the impound guy my phone number. Seriously man? I’m an emotional wreck and you STILL want my number? He seemed normal, smart and cute, so I gave it to him.
So anyway, that was yesterday.
Today was one of my good friends baby shower. This is what I was dreading all week. My alienating friends were going to be there. K bolted as soon as she saw me – before I had the chance to talk to her. But Holly was there and was normal and nice to me.
I was so unbelievably tired and sad. But seeing everyone on a happy occasion made ME happy. I felt a part of Brie’s family. Feeling like I’m a part of a friends family means a great deal to me, even though I don’t ever show it.
I felt guilty for not being more lively and talkative, but I stayed for the whole thing anyway. I stayed to help clean up at the end, but more so for not wanting to say bye to people. I was so tired that just saying good-bye was too much effort. My self esteem and confidence was so low that I didn’t think anyone even cared to say bye to me.
My thoughts – ‘These people aren’t like me. They’re polished, have their shit together, and here I am thinking I fit in with them – who am I kidding?! And plus some may read my blog and know how crazy and sad I am. I’m so exposed and vulnerable. I’m a freak show that everyone wants to avoid.’
I thought about just sneaking away but that would be rude. I felt my friends would use that as fuel against me – something to yell at me about. I compromised by saying bye to Brie, the one who the shower was for. And then I snuck away.
And now I’m drunk on the beach. I stumbled here like a zombie – like a sleepwalker. I dragged my feet through the sand, kicking it all up in my sandals with the sole intent of seeing the ocean.
Here I am. Listening to French opera on my iPod and smoking American spirits in my flannel Jammie’s.
Now I’m listening to Chet Baker, My Ideal. Trumpets, blues, voice as silk. It’s beautiful.
Nepal kicked up stuff in me that I wanted to repress. Everything I was afraid of came true. My worst nightmares made visible.
Being told I was an embarrassment, being abandoned, feeling unwanted, being hated. Feeling like a good for nothing stupid loser. Everything I experienced when I was a little kid getting picked on, all coming back to haunt me. And I was so alone.
Then coming back home only to see how true it all is. Being unwanted all over again. Not having anyone to believe me, no one in my corner. Everyone thinking I’m some dramatic lying asshole.
It’s a horrible experience. Dreadful, really.
But fuck it, it happened. I was willing to forgive and forget, but that wasn’t in the stars. It wasn’t up to me. Not my decision to make.
Getting my friends to talk to me again is like pulling teeth. I feel like I’m hounding them and annoying them.
So what do I do? I drink my dads Captain Morgan, get wasted and stumble to the beach at midnight to take pictures of myself.
I still have the original necklace the Gumpa gave me from Nepal tied around my ankle. My poor bedraggled feet.
I come here to the cottage to get away from everything. My OCD cousin wanting to kill me, my cold aunt living upstairs, my over-bearing mother and now my alienating friends. I come here and watch the sunset.
It’s still so beautiful. Whenever I come here it’s always beautiful.