Brain Fuck

Drunk Pumpkin

Drunk Pumpkin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Wow I just re-read my last post and it super sucks. How embarrassing. Stupid Drunk Tree ode. I’m drunk right now and it still sucks.

I was trying to do a stream of conscious ode – one that I pluck out from the heavens and let it flow through me. Ha! Never again! It’s Angelo Sax-ton-of-shit.

Kristie is becoming a little like the hounds in my Drunk Tree ode. She calls and texts me non-stop. Stealing my candy apples from my withered double-jointy limbs . She invited me to go to the movies this coming Saturday, but Dave invited me to go see Godsmack at the meadows. Movies verses a freaking fun time tailgating at the meadows watching a bunch of kick ass bands play? I’m sorry but I’ll take the meadows over a movie any day.

Anyway, she was pissed that I chose the meadows over her. She called me today sounding like she wanted to stop hanging out with me because of that.

Kristie – “I’m sorry to put this on ya Mel, but I can’t deal with the games people play.”

Me – “What games?”

Kristie – “I’m going to be honest and say I’m hurt about you ditching me on Saturday.”

Me – “When I went to Sliders?”

Kristie – “No, this Saturday coming up. You’re going to see the concert and we were supposed to see a movie.”

I didn’t know what to say. Yes I’m going to see the concert, would rather see the concert than go to a stinking movie. The movies will always be there. Besides, she was going with other people – she had other people!

Me – “…..oh, uhhh. Well I really like Godsmack. You can come! These concerts are a lot of fun!”

Her friend, Ania, is also going to the concert. We’re planning on tailgating together and see the show after. It wasn’t like she wasn’t invited.

People are effing crazy! I invited her to go, but no. She was still pissed. The only way I could make it up to her was to hang out with her tonight. So we hung out, had fun. It’s weird because when I’m with her, she’s completely fine. She’s cool, actually. But give it a few days that go by and she’s back to freak-out mode.

I don’t get rid of people so easily. I have trouble ignoring others. But with Kristie it’s like if I mess up once, I’m out. And I didn’t even mess up! Not really…

I’m 32 and met a shit load of people in my time (between working 20 different jobs and going out so damn much). I learned about the Turning Point in relationships. The turning point is a time in a friendship when people start getting weird. They just drop away. I call them a few times to see whats up, but inevitably they vanish. How can this happen so quickly with Kristie? I mean seriously?

We hung out tonight and she loves me, she really does. She even announced to the bar that it was our four week anniversary. But earlier today she sounded like she was getting rid of me.

I need my me time. I LOVE my me time. I love it when I’m not needed or wanted anywhere. This is why I’m single – I love being alone! Why do I love it? There’s no responsibility or hassle. I am free to do as I please. I can wake up at 2pm, go for a hike or Rollerblade in the sunshine, dancing with my iPod and then go home to read a book or play video games. It’s wonderful and I love every goddamn minute of it.


And there is a huge but.

I also love my friends!

The Turning Point happens when my friends discover my need to be alone. It’s a small window of time when I prefer not to answer my phone and just enjoy my own company. That’s when they stop calling altogether.

When I was younger, I was infamous for not returning calls. But I gotten a lot better since then. I make it a point to return calls and texts (I hate texts). But it’s not enough. It’s like I can’t even let one day go by without getting heat from it.

Is this why my ex-friends hate me so much? No, that’s not it. I’m just outdated in their book. They know I’ll always be there, so they stopped bothering with talking to me. I’m secondary to everyone. I’m secondary in everyone’s life because I put myself first.

Being secondary feels just as bad as being Kristie’s first. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I don’t blame them, but I mean, what the fuck? How can this happen so quickly with Kristie when I only met her last month? We’ve been hanging out ALL THE TIME! There’s really no other explanation other than she’s demanding more than I can give.

In the meantime, I’m texting my ex-friends asking them why they hate me so and if they can call me (which they didn’t). They are like family to me so they can get away with not giving a fuck about me. That’s the sucky thing about being friends with someone for too long. They eventually stop caring about you.

I grew up with an overbearing mother. She’s STILL overbearing and coddling and at this very moment is asleep upstairs in her recliner – dreaming about making me breakfast tomorrow morning. But because of her, I can’t deal with people calling and texting me non-stop wondering where I am 24/7. I have my mother for that and I’m trying to escape it!

Maybe I am a crappy friend for not paying attention to people. Maybe I’m crappy for returning phone calls a week later. But I’m still here dammit!

Basically, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Anything I do makes people upset. My ex-friends get mad at me for asking questions as to whats wrong and my new friends get mad at me for not asking anything at all. Everyone is brain fucking me! I don’t know what’s right and whats wrong.

And I swear to god, K (the one who left me in Nepal), is the biggest brain fucker of them all! She does and says things purposely to hurt me. She abandoned me on the side of a fucking mountain in a third world country when all I wanted to do was climb up the damned thing. She refuses to talk to me about it and now I’m stuck in limbo. Not only limbo, but completely cut-off from everyone because she stole all my friends away. Everyone’s poisoned against me. And why? What the hell did I do?

I have no desire to be friends with her again. None what-so-ever. It’s easy to decide that since she stopped talking to me.

But I’m the bad guy in all this.

I’m the type of person to stay with one thing and stick with it. I order the same food at restaurants, stick with drinking my same ol’ trusty beer, going to the same bars, same people. I’ve been wearing the same pajama’s since high school. I get comfortable and make myself a sweet little nest of noncomplaint, no stress decadence. But people have to brain fuck me.

Did you know part of the argument K gave me in Nepal was that I’m too laid back? Is that even an argument? People are fucking nuts!

But I’m the crazy one in all this. I just want to say fuck it and be done with them but its so hard to do when I have no idea what I did wrong and why they’re doing this to me. Plus I’ve been friends with them for a long time. I tried everything in my power to talk to them tonight, but they wanted nothing to do with me.

I created monsters is what. Everyone I touch turns into a monster. Everyone gets weird in a relationship – there’s no tooling around it. I drive everyone insane.

And now I have to go to a freaking baby shower where everyone is going to be there and I’ll be the odd person out. I’ll be ganged up on, laughed at and who know’s what else. That’s going to happen on Sunday, the day after Godsmack. I’m going to be hungover and grouchy let alone miserable.

I really want to leave the country. I want to roam around the world and never come back.


Filed under journal

2 responses to “Brain Fuck

  1. redorblue101

    Mo money, mo problems. Same goes for friends. Some people think the more friends you make, the less percentage they get of your attention. In some ways this is true and they can’t handle that, so they need to realize friendships are not always monogamous.

    • I know, right? But I’m glad Kristie was honest in telling me how she felt instead of finding a way to get back at me in a sneaky way like most girls do. She’s still crazy for getting upset, but she’s an honest kind of crazy. I’m not used to it yet.

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