Yes that’s right I said it! Booya who’s da man? Not me cause I’m a girl, but a girl who had SEX last night with a MAN.
Last night was nuts. Just plain nuts.
I’m sitting in Cheshire coffee feeling super hung over (as usual) and trying not to brag about my sexual prowess, but I can’t help it.
The problem is, it only lasted three seconds because the guys brother started knocking on the bedroom door. He wasn’t knocking to tell us to knock it off, but knocking so he can join in. Um, okay….Let me start from the beginning.
My good friend (really, one of my only friends) is upset at me for supposedly being mean to K in my Nepal post. Not only was I mean, but exhibited a lot of hate and anger toward her too. If you read the post, you would see how completely helpless I was. Not only helpless, but confused and heartbroken for being left alone on a freakin’ mountain in a third world country – ME! Of all people! But apparently everything that happened to me was all my fault. I was the asshole, the mean one.
The girl who told me this, my friend since I was 14 , says she’ll talk to me about it in person and tell me how I was mean. But I’m afraid whatever she tells me will be bullshit and if it’s all bullshit, that means she only said what she said because she’s taken K’s side. And I have the sinking feeling that she did.
It’s devastating. Completely devastating. That moment when you find out your friend doesn’t have your back – the moment when you realize just how alone you really are in the world, well, it sucks. Really sucks. Now not only K is avoiding me, but she’s taken one of my best and only friends along with her.
I’m once again the sitting dunce. That dunce feeling I had in Nepal never left. I’m the one. It’s me that people love to torture and deflate.
So anyway, I’ve been depressed and kept myself good and drunk everyday since I been back. That may be why I signed my own death warrant for entering in the Tough Mudder (or it could be that I have a masochistic personality disorder that I just learned about). I’m not tough. I’m weak with flat feet and bugs bunny arms! I feel like I’m punishing myself. I’m a dogs ratty chew toy. I don’t squeak anymore cause there’s too many puncture wounds in me.
So anyway, that’s where I am right now. Living at home, working six hours a week, half the people I live with hate me – speaking of my crazy aunt and ocd cousin, he was left in the house by himself today. When I stopped home earlier for a minute, hot steaming water was running (probably for hours) and made the house feel like a swamp. And I heard domonic chanting coming from upstairs.
Me – “What the eff is that?”
I stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up trying to make sense out of the satanic rumblings. The voices were monotone, even-paced, and spoken in spiritless voices. I walked up the stairs, half expecting to be axed to death, but the voices became clearer and I figured out what they were. It was a bunch of kids reciting the rosary over and over again on an old creepy cassette tape.
“Okay, I’m out of here.”
I filled up my water bottle and jetted off to the Cheshire Trail for some well-needed rollerblading.
“Everybody’s fucking with me. Everybody’s effing crazy!”
This is my world y’all – welcome to my hell.
I totally got off topic. Where was I? Scroll….up, uh yes. I totally had sex last night!
I hung out with Kristie and her friends yesterday. She’s friends with Ania and Jared who are in some sort of weird open relationship. I have a crush on Jared. He’s cute, smart, big (I like big, I can’t help it) – but above all that, he’s funny. If someone can make me laugh – they got me. He had me cracking up the whole night in his blue superman hoodie.
And he’s like me – an empath. I could tell he’s an empath from the first moment I started liking him. His whole energy changed and focused on me. He knew I liked him. I don’t know how, but he knew and ate it up.
We were sitting at a bar in Southington, all of us moderately buzzed, when Ania and Jared decided to take us some place else – a bar in Bristol. We piled into Ania’s Catalac, blasted some tunes and Jared drove us there fast – very fast and very crazy. But I wasn’t scared. I felt nothing but nostalgia. I missed those car rides from my earlier years.
Me – “What’s wrong with me? I’m numb. I don’t feel any fear.”
Jared – “That’s why I like you.”
He says this as he slams on the breaks and all of us pitch forward.
Kristie held my hand and curled up next to me like a scared little babe. Everyone’s windows were rolled down, I was in the windy backseat smoking a cigarette. I tossed it out the window, or so I thought.
Kristie – “Somethings smoking.”
We were in the drive-thru line at taco bell. I got out of the car and searched for a burning lit cigarette.
Me – “Ah here it is, it’s okay. It didn’t burn any holes in the car.”
I sat back in the car, Kristie rested her head on my shoulder.
Kristie – “I still smell something burning.”
Me – “I don’t smell anything.”
She looks over at me.
Kristie – “Oh my god Melanie you’re on fire!”
My Savannah Georgia hoodie was alit. Completely ablaze behind my head. I hopped out of the car and started jumping up and down patting my back. Kristie was laughing hysterically as she fished out the flaming butt.
Kristie – “Ha ha ha, how did you do this? Oh my god hahahha.”
Me – “I’m like Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire.” I’m such a dork. Every time I go out, I say at least one regrettably dorky statement. This was tonight’s.
We drove to a karaoke bar and danced and sang until the bar closed. I looked like a complete scrub in my signature hobo look. My hand-me-down pants were five sizes too big and being held up with a cheap belt that came with a pair of hiking pants and I was wearing a big sexless black hoodie. But because Dave wasn’t around, I still managed to get hit on. Jared kept telling me how beautiful I was which aroused only emotions of embarrassment and guilt.
Kristie – “You have a way about you.”
Me – “I’m not a flirt, am I? Does it seem like I’m flirting?”
Kristie – “No not at all, you’re just being you.”
Apparently guys really like the disheveled, depressed look.
I couldn’t shake off an old married black man from hounding me. He showed me pictures of his kids and his wife.
Him – “I’m not happy in my marriage. I like to go out and meet new people, you know? I’d love to get your number so we can arrange for this again.”
He hovered over me as I added him to facebook – you know, to make sure I did it right. But I didn’t do it right. The service was bad. But still I refused to give him my number. He made me write down my name, though.
Jared – “Come on Mel we’re leaving. Let’s go let’s go – we’re going to the strip club, come on.”
And off we went. But we didn’t go to the strip club, we went back to Jared’s. It was me, Kristie, Ania, Jared and his brother (can’t remember his name). Jared’s brother is one of those shameless, self-defacing alcoholics. A person you can say anything to and he’ll be accepting, non-judgmental and not make anything of it. He’s also like a punching bag in taking abuse from people both mentally and physically – almost like he expects it from others. Is this how I am?
Nowadays people can say whatever they want to me – their most private thoughts and secrets and I barely flinch or feel anything. At one point Jared popped his balls out of his pants and I just smiled in amusement.
Ania – “Look at you, you don’t even care.”
Me – “Huh, you’re right.”
Ania insisted we all play strip poker.
Ania – “Everybody into the kitchen! Game is on!”
I won the first hand, but lost the next several leaving me in nothing but my purple heart undies. I stopped playing before they came off.
Then we played spin the bottle and truth or dare. We were drinking cape codders at 4 in the morning when Kristie asked me; “Melanie. When was the last time you had sex?”
Me – “Over two years ago.”
Ania – “TWO YEARS! ARE YOU SERIOUS?”
Me – “Yep, two years. Over two years actually.”
The room exploded. Everyone was astonished and nobody wanted to leave me alone about it.
Ania – “Well, we have to get you laid tonight. We just have to.”
Jared – “I’ll do it I’ll do it!”
Jared raised his hand and bounced up and down.
Ania – “Um, NO. You will not do it.”
Jared’s brother was laying on the floor in the room across from us.
Jared’s brother – “You can use me I guess. I’ll just lay here.”
I don’t know what came over me, but I liked that idea – I mean really liked it. Picturing him laying there while I did whatever I wanted gave me a slight power trip – I sparked to life. My loins stirred awake. It was something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Ania – “Go in there and have your way with him. Don’t think about it, just do it.”
Me – “Okay. But only for five minutes. I don’t want to draw it out. Is there a condom?”
Ania – “Yes there are condoms, now get in there.”
I go into the room.
Me – “The light has to be off and I’m not putting anything in my mouth.”
Him – “Okay, that’s fine.”
And then I started to do my thing. The minute things heated up, I hear Kristie from outside the door saying “Bye Mel.”
Me – “What? She’s leaving?” No, that can’t be right.
But her and Ania did leave. Ania’s parents wanted her back home pronto – she’s thirty years old and getting yelled at for being out untill 5 am.
As soon as they left, I hear Jared outside the bedroom door knocking and trying to open the locked door. That’s when I turned on the lights and got dressed. The mood was over, and I wasn’t about to have a three-way between two brothers.
When I opened the door for Jared, he charged in like a horny bulldozer. I sensed that his thoughts and emotions were absent from him. He wanted me and his desire alone consumed him. He came over to me, picked me up in his huge arms and gently laid me down on the mattress – it made me hot, I’m not gonna lie. But it was happening too quickly and I couldn’t process if what I was doing was wrong. Ania made it clear to Jared that he was not to sleep with me.
Me – “No, this isn’t right. Lets not do this.”
But my words fell on deaf ears – he literally couldn’t hear what I was saying. It wasn’t because he was purposely ignoring me, he simply was consumed with desire. I never understood that cliché until now. He was deaf and blind.
‘Oh shit am I going to be a one in five rape victim? Is this what it’s like?’
After numerous attempts at saying no, he finally responded. It was like he snapped out of a trance. He came back to life.
Jared – “Oh, seriously? Oh wow I feel like a rapist.”
Me – “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”
Jared – “Is it because of Ania?”
Me – “Yeah, and other things.”
Um Hello? I was just with your brother?
Jared – “You know Ania and I have an open relationship. She’s into girls too. If she was here, she would be into it.”
Me – “Oh well, I’m not really into that.”
Jared – “It’s no big deal, really. Is Ania the only reason?”
Me – “It just doesn’t feel right.”
Jared – “But you were about to do it with my brother.”
Me – “It’s different with him. I don’t have feelings for him.”
That’s when things start to blur in my memory. I can’t remember much after that. Only that he walked me to my car and I drove home. I can’t remember if I went straight to bed, or ate and watched an episode of 30 Rock.
I’m so tired. I just ate a corn dog and now I’m laying in bed. Ania just sent me a smily face text out of the blue.
I’m not positive, but my new friends may not be good for me.
I’m lonely, have an addictive personality and I crave attention and love from others. These people like to drink, have fun and liquor me up to get me in bed with them. They fit nicely into my needs. But my needs are my worst qualities – the ugly side of me that will never grow up. And now I seem to be diving head first into them. If I cave and sleep with my new friends, then I would lose to my demons. And I’ll be known as being the shameless whore with emotional problems.
I really want to leave the country.
And Jared’s brother turned out to be married. Women are allowed to kill their cheating husbands in Hong Kong, but only with their bare hands. They can kill the mistress however they want. If I was in Hong Kong, it would be legal to kill me. It’s wild to think that my murder can be acceptable. Think about it. It’s okay to murder me. Its okay, just do it.
I’m pretty sure that I have a masochistic personality disorder. I mean, why else linger on the fact that I can be legally murderded right now?