I am one Tough Mudder

SNOW VALLEY, Calif. (May 28, 2011) Mass Commun...

I’m a lazy, conceited, degenerate who thinks she can accomplish anything she wants in life.  I’m conceited in thinking that what others work so hard for, come’s easy and natural for me. I’m lazy because since I can accomplish anything, why bother with the actual doing part?  I’m a degenerate because my laziness made my mind and body slack.

So there you have it.  That’s my story.  Melanie the conceited, lazy, degenerate.

But the older I get, the more I want to actually do the doing part.  And the harder the doing part is, the better.  I don’t like to waste my time with small-time accomplishments.  No, not this hot banana – me being the hot banana.  Well, climbing the Himalayas made me feel more like a flaccid banana peel, but lets erase that from memory shall we?

I can accomplish anything no matter what people tell me.  She is able who thinks she is able.

So I signed myself up for the Tough Mudder.

Tough Mudder events are hardcore 10-12 mile obstacle courses designed by British Special Forces to test your all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie.”  So says the website.

10-12 miles….I can barely run half a mile.  I could never climb the rope in gym class or do one measly chin-up and when it comes to going under water, I almost drowned twice!  Towards the end of the obstacle course, I’ll be running through spaghetti-like live electrical wires.  Yes, I will be willingly electrocuting myself.

Electricity is just a myth…pffff.  Also, we live on the back of a giant turtle.  Or is it the other way around?

Guide me old wise turtle.

Here’s a look at what I’m about to do.  They sugar coated it to make people join up.

I’ll be doing the October Tri-State event in Jersey, so that gives me plenty of laying around time to prepare.  I wish I still had my Sheena underpants from when I was five to put under (or over) my super hero attire.

After I finish the race and aquire my Sheena strength and beauty, I can be all the more conceited and confident enough to talk to this guy:

hot guy

He can fill my baby bucket with his sperm larvae any day.  And that’s just what I’ll tell him.

Me – “Here’s an idea;  You, me, my baby bucket and your orbs of sperm larvae – what do you say?  Shall we combine these ingredients?  Don’t forget I have a bucket to do it in.”

He will embrace my lyrical wit with his strong rippling biceps and hold me until the world makes sense again.

The world stopped making sense as soon as I got back from Nepal.  Now I’m back here living at home at 32, working for my brothers girlfriend and binge drinking almost every night while feeling lonely and incomplete.

Maybe this turtle can help me:

Most likely not.  Everyone here know’s that Michelangelo was the goof-off turtle.  It looks like he’s sporting a Moose knuckle in this pic.

My Kelty trekking pack stares longingly at me from the corner of my bedroom saying, “When are you going to sew this fucking Annapurna patch on me?”

I keep forgetting that I have to stop working for my brothers girlfriend and start my own business to make money.  Enough money to go somewhere again.  That’s all I want to do – leave.

My friends still don’t care to see me, I stay drunk all day like an idiot, I have no ambition for anything and I work six hours a week.  Seriously Mel?  Is that what you want out of life?  No!  I refuse to be a flaccid banana peel!

I think I’ll have better luck in asking this guy for advice:

But he was so old in this movie.  He’s probably not around anymore.

Damn, I have to go to bed.  Tomorrow might be a long day.

Kristie keeps flooding my phone with texts.  She’s been texting me promptly at 9 am everyday since we met, wishing me a “Good Morning!”  She know’s I’m not awake at this ungodly hour and settles with my 12 o’clock “Good Afternoon” text back.

1 Comment

Filed under humor, journal, Uncategorized

One response to “I am one Tough Mudder

  1. Pingback: 8 Ridiculous Facts About The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles | NowYouKnowThis.com

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