Quitting my job, cracking that ass up and getting blogophiled = What I did yesterday

English: A plumber's crack, also known as butt...

Image via Wikipedia

I quit my job yesterday. Quitting a job, to me, is like breaking a heart. You feel bad, but you know it’s for the best. But making people feel bad is one of my anxiety triggers.  So I was a nervous wreck driving to work knowing I was going there to quit. Anxiety riddled adrenaline was coursing thru my veins.

I arrived at work. Linda and her daughter both sat working the front desk.

Linda – “Hey Melanie what’s new?”

Me – “Oh, nothing much. Just the same old stuff.”

Linda – “Just the same old stuff, eh?”

Me – “Well, there is one new thing…….”

I had the attention of Linda and her daughter. I pause to create a suspenseful dramatic effect, and then the words, “I quit” smoothly snaked out of my mouth.

Silence taken the place of my dramatic pause until Kaitlin, Linda’s daughter, burst’s out laughing. She’s one of those people that laugh at everything I say. I can’t even quit my job without making people laugh. She helped to lessen the blow.

I gave them my resignation letter.

Linda read the first bullet point on my letter (the one about Jeff wanting to fire me) and she was shocked. She stopped reading and looked up to me from her glasses.

Linda – “Are you serious?”

Me – “Yeah.”

That’s when I sauntered away to make my exit. The bomb was dropped, I now must flee.

But it didn’t end there. She kept asking me if I was sure. If I wasn’t sure, she could address most of the problems in my letter and fix them, but my mind was made up. She apologized for the way Christina made me feel. It was wrong.

And so here marks yet another job I’m retiring from.  I shall add it to my list.

Damon’s – Cheshire, CT

Rossini’s pizza – Cheshire, CT

Pasta Plus – Cheshire, CT

J. Timothy’s – Plainville, CT

Cadillac Ranch – Plainville, CT

Yankee Silversmith – Wallingford, CT

Scoozie Trattoria and wine bar – New Haven, CT

East side – New Britain, CT

Paul’s – Cheshire, CT

The Oakdale

Café on the park (New Britain museum of American Art) – New Britain, CT

Westbrook – Wallingford, CT

Ruby Tuesday

The Aquaturf

Some bar I forgot the name of

Stop & Shop


Cheshire convalescent center

Bloomingdales by mail

The Dress Barn

Prudential real estate (I tried selling houses)

A lesbian owned and operated landscaping company

I made cold calls selling security alarms for one day

Lavender fields day spa

The spa near my house (I still work there unless I crap things up there too)

Massage Envy

There could be more, but I can’t remember.  I believe I’m a well-rounded person for experiencing all these jobs.  Either that or I have a poor work ethic and I just don’t like doing it.  Well rounded my ass!  My ass isn’t even well rounded.

I’m sitting in Starbucks. It might just be the very last time visiting this place. Even the people working here are all new. Everything is changing. I hate change.

My eye’s want to close.

I had to go to the DMV yesterday morning before work. It was a mob scene. They recently changed their hours to open at 9 am instead of 8, so it was extra packed.

I sat there for maybe two hours?  I played all ten of my games of Words With Friends and taken a picture of a womans butt crack.

And being the asshole that I am, posted it to Facebook with the title, “I spotted crack at the DMV!”

Finally it was my turn.  My number was A033.  I bolted up there as soon as it was called.  The woman at the counter collected and photocopied my info and seconds later my name was called for my photo to be taken.

Me – “Oh, that’s me.”

Woman at the counter shouts over – “Hold on I’m still processing her!”

I wore my best sweater for my new driver’s license picture.  It’s an orange cashmere sweater that I bought for half price at Marshalls years ago.

After the woman handed me back my stuff, I scurried over to stand in front of the big blue background and have the burly Santa Clause look-a-like photographer tell me to look with both eyes into the camera.

“Oh no, I have no time to take my jacket off so I can showcase my orange sweater!  No time to smooth down my hair?”  I was holding all my paper work, so I couldn’t smooth out anything.  “He wants me to look into the camera with both eyes?  What if I had a wandering eye?  What if I was a pirate?”

All these things pilfering through my mind.  “What’s he doing?  I should smile.”  I flashed my sparkly pearly whites.  The grandest most sincerest smile I could muster out for Santa.  And this is what he took of me:

I have a history of perfect license photo’s.  I’m always smiling, always vibrant and youthful, but in this case, no.  I look old and bloated.  Well, I guess it’s not that bad, but oh well.  It’s payback for facebooking that womans crack.  In the words of Juvenile:

Girl, you looks good, won’t you crack that ass up

You’se a fine motherfucker, won’t you crack that ass up

Call me big daddy when you crack that ass up

Hoe, who is you playing with, crack that ass up

I was blogo-philed in my comments the other day.  Take the word pedophile, except  instead of molesting children, you molest blog posts.

He wrote:

pls dont approve this comment. just wanted to  let you know that you missed something. Though you posted a picture to show that, you did not mention that you are hairy. :)

btw i would love to read more about your client crush. he sounds very funny, so do you. :) >>> Okay, so I’m not exactly sure how to respond to his last message.  If you have any idea’s let me know! == If i were you, i would ask him to prove how good he was at bed. ;)

It’s not a horrible comment.  I don’t feel that molested.  But is it my eyebrows that make me look hairy?  How can he tell I’m hairy?  I give my face a good plucking every few days.

Hrrmmm…..What else is there to write about?

One of my co-workers left me a comment on my blog saying that I’m awesome, but then told me not to approve the comment.  Soooo…..thanks?  I have to write about getting a comment saying that I’m awesome.  It is something that border-line narcissist’s like to hear and share.  I am awesome.  I am awesome.  Yes I am awesome!  Muahahaha.  Too awesome for my own good.  Too awesome for Massage Envy and all those other jobs.  Muahahaha.


I gotta pee.


Filed under humor, journal

6 responses to “Quitting my job, cracking that ass up and getting blogophiled = What I did yesterday

  1. Your blog makes me laugh – I love it. It’s refreshing. Change can be good! I am sure you will find a career that is fit for you. Good for you for not allowing anyone to continue mistreating you in the workplace. xoxo B

  2. Blogophile's Grandfather.

    u r crazy, woman.
    if my grandson had told you not to approve his comment, why did you use it in your post? tee hee hee

  3. Holly

    How are you hairy? lol

  4. Pingback: OMG SHiT! Did I just do a Defamation in my pants? | melanie's blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s