More of Heather’s hate mail, barfly tuesday & masking odorous farts with electronic cigarette vapor

Could've Been Me
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I sent Heather a response to the letter she wrote me a few days ago.

I wrote:

Yikes! I barely see Dave anymore. Are you sure it was me? It couldve been another girl. I havent been intimate with him in years and definitely would never date him again.

She wrote back:

He said that oh I mite of made out w melanie he said it was at bkackstone and u guys were drunk

This whole time I keep thinking its katie that there was something going on w them but when he said it was u I was in shock I thouht theres no way shed b that dumb so I think its katie cuz ive tried to contact her and she wnt if u kno something plz tell me

And then she wrote me again:

Im sorry I didnt mean to blame u ive been so angry at dave for the way he treats me hes not a good bf I keep tring and giving him chances constantly…makes u think tho hes lied to me so much about everything that he was willing to throw u his friend under the bus cuz he cheated on me w katie and ive known for a long time somethings up.he always says nothings going on but I feel different he doesnt tell me hes seen her he lies about everything w her ive read txtes about her how he picks.her up and they go out how.he never tells when he sees her.always hiding something so if nothings going on then b honest rite??im sorry I came off so strong hes literally giving me a mental breakdown.

And one more letter:

Mel out of respect for me if u know anything that dave has done behind my back wld u plz b kind enuff to tell me plzzz…i kno u were at jeffs party if anything happened there plz tell it fo me and,my sanity cuz ive lost my dam mind.thank u and again im sorry for suspecting u

I feel for her. My sociopathic ways have worn off and I’m officially feeling for her. But is it her fault for staying with him? Yes! Absolutely yes. She doesn’t want Dave, she needs him – and that’s the wrong reason to stay with someone.

It was me that made out with him at Blackstone. I don’t know what came over me that night (my excuse was that I was in heat), but we did kiss. Dave saw Heather’s friends there (I didn’t know them), but he kissed me anyway right in front of them. This episode at Blackstone was, however, an isolated incident. I never let it get that far again.

Katie on the other hand, she periodically sleeps with him. I know this because Dave tell’s me EVERYTHING.

Dave – “Katie broke a rib.”

Me – “Oh geeze, how’d she do that?”

Dave – “She fell off the bed when we were having sex.”

Katie is a hot mess. I’m not saying she’s a hot mess because I’m jealous of her and Dave – quite the contrary! I’m saying it because the girl’s got problems. She’s been in, oh, I don’t know, 17 car accidents?! Her teeth are all messed up from drugs, her face is a little loppy and her back is wrecked. The last time I hung out with her was at the mall with Dave. She was on muscle relaxers – nine of them! Yes, she was on nine muscle relaxers, possibly more.

We went to Ruby Tuesday inside the mall and sat at the bar. I ordered the salad bar, Dave ordered the quesadilla’s and Katie ordered a beer. Then she ordered another beer. She had some major slur-age happening. Her voice was droopy and lazy as well.

Katie – “I need a cigarette. Dave, come outside and smoke with me.”

She annoyingly pulls at his shoulder.

Dave – “I’m eating still. You go on out, the door is right there.”

Katie – “They won’t let me smoke outside the door, it’s too close to the building.”

Bartender – “You can stand outside the door to smoke, it’s fine. People do it all the time.”

Katie – “But once I’m outside, how do I get back in?”

Dave – “Oh my God…..”

She started getting paranoid and defensive, thinking that Dave didn’t like her anymore. She was edgy and anxious, wanting to leave Ruby Tuesday immediately. Then she thought I was being pretentious (she didn’t use that word) for ordering a beefeater martini.

Katie – “My mom drinks those. Arent they expensive? How’s it taste?”

Me – “It’s really good. They’re on sale for $5.”

She asked me several time’s how my martini was. Then she tell’s Dave…….

Katie – “You’re my best friend Dave. I just want you to know that. My very best friend.”

I loved Dave at that moment for being a saint. “What a good guy for putting up with her,” I thought to myself. But then I remembered they still have sex together.

Two things were going on in my mind; The first being – “This girl is messed up with some major emotional and physical handicaps, and Dave here is taking advantage of her.” On second thought – “Dave is so nice to offer up his services to such a poor, unfortunate soul. I mean, what other guy would treat her so well?”

But anyway, as much as it pains me to say it – because he is a good friend and all – Dave is a dog. A dog indeed. He lies to Heather, takes advantage of a hapless, broken girl and then wants to get with me. Umm, yeah, thanks but no thanks buddy.

Yesterday was Tuesday, so I went to meet him at happy Tuesday for a few drinks. Usually he goes back home to Heather after happy Tuesday, but last night, he followed me to Billy O’s. Billy O’s is my bar. It’s my home away from home and I know everyone that goes there. The last thing I wanted was to bring some horned up guy there to bombard me with lavish displays of affection. It makes me look bad.

Me – “People are going to think I’m a slut if you keep doing that!”

He wouldn’t stop, so I actually had to yell at him. I mean forcefully scold – something I hate doing. He thought I was going to Billy O’s to meet a guy friend, and so he retaliated by marking his territory by fondling my ass and whispering “sweet nothings” in my ear – very childish and disrespectful for anyone my age.

Then my brother shows up. Dave stopped his touching and fondling before my brother could witness it, but that didn’t stop him from getting in Dave’s face and berating him with questions. My brother is a great judge of character – I am too! It’s something that him and I share – our uncanny ability to intuitively know just about anyone we’re faced with.

Fran – “There’s something about that guy that I don’t like. He’s a player. He reminds me of me and I don’t like him.”

Me – “We’re just friends! You don’t have to worry about me.”

Fran – “Yeah but still, I don’t like you bringing your friends with benefits around here.”

Me – “We’re not even friends with benefits! We don’t screw around. We’re just friends. I swear!”

Me – “I’m happy with being single. I have too much I want to do and no time to date.”

Fran – “Are you a lesbian?”

Me – “Um, no? I seen pictures, and it’s not for me.”

Speaking of lesbians, there was a girl at Billy O’s that I wanted to hook Dave up with to get him off my back. She had this little portable electronic toothbrush with her and was telling her guy friend about it. Me being a clean teeth connoisseur, asked her if it was a good investment.

Girl – “Yeah, it’s so much cheaper than buying a vibrator at VIP. This works just as good! See?!”

She buzzes the thing into my arm.

Me – “Oh, so you use it for down there?”

Her – “I do. Hell why not? Girls gotta have her fun. All it takes is three minutes with this thing.”

Dave and I talk to her for a while and find out she’s a pole dancer. She like’s all the same things that Dave likes – motorcycle’s and guns, that sort of thing. They really hit it off and thought I could pawn Dave off on this tiny willing specimen.

Me – “You’re cool. I feel like you’re much cooler than the girl Dave is seeing now. If you date Dave, I can totally hang out with you.”

Her – “Oh yeah you’re into that? I used to be into that but not so much anymore, but I don’t know, maybe.”

Me – “Oh no, what? I mean, you’re cool and I can be friends with you. I’m not friends with the girl Dave has now.”

Then her and Dave start talking about something, and I sneak away to my car to fill up my electronic cigarette and talk to people outside. Two minutes later, the pole dancer comes zooming out of the bar to head home. According to Dave, she was jonesen for a drug fix.

Dave – “I know those googly eyes when I see them. She needs her fix, I can tell.”

She managed to leave with both our numbers.

It is now 10:30 pm. I’m so tired and Holly wants to read this post before she goes to bed. She was dying to know what Heather’s letter was about, but I kept giving her ridiculous replies.

Me and Holly’s texts are as follows:

Holly: What was it about! I need to know!!

Me: It was about kimchi. There I said it

Holly: WHAT? What does kimchi have to do with anything?

Me: Kimchi has everything to do with it!!!! Have I not taught you anything? I love kimchi!

Holly: I love kimchi too! But it should not be a reason to send a letter full of grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes!

Me: Oh yeah you’re right but I thought we were talking about kimchi, not a letter

Holly: You’re crazy! lol. did you really find out what the letter was about? I am dying over here! help me!

We actually wrote A LOT more than that before I brought up kimchi. For about two hours of texting each other, I wouldn’t give her a straight answer about the letter and I was cracking up the entire time.

In other news……

When I woke up this morning (afternoon), I text my brother:

Me: Last night I kept smoking my electronic cig because I had bad gas and thought it would mask the smell lol! I don’t know why I was so gassy, I’m not usually

Fran: Maybe you need to make poopy, yes poopy!

Me: Yes I had to make poopy!

I share that last bit with you because I have no shame. And since I dastardly attacked Dave, Heather and Katie in this post, I needed to level out the field with my own minor embarrassments. It’s only fair. But then again, everyone makes poopy and everyone farts before having to make poopy, so it’s not really that embarrassing, now is it?

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