I’m a hot mess

I’m shivering by the fireplace at Cheshire Coffee.  I’m not sure why I’m shivering, I guess I’m a little cold but it’s more than that.  I’m just a tired, hungover fool.

I got my period yesterday (exactly 30 days after my last period – isn’t it cool how our bodies work?).  I got my period, did not eat a lot, and then went out to drink about a dozen beers and two shots.  In case some of you don’t know, girls on the rag (hate that saying) get drunk very quickly – the combination of having an empty stomach and the visiting Aunt P makes for a very rough morning.  And don’t worry, I didn’t drive home.

I dropped like a sack of bricks on a friends couch and when I woke up today, my eyes were all puffy and bloodshot and I needed to throw up but held it in on account of it being rude and all to puke in a friends well manicured toilet.

I’m really good at throwing up – I don’t even need to be sick.  All I have to do is hover my face over a toilet bowl and that thought alone – my face hovering above a place where people shit everyday, makes me puke.  I would make a great belimic.  I’m not!  But wouldn’t be bad at it.

Wow I really don’t feel good.  I still don’t feel good and it’s 6:30 pm.

I massaged a cancer patient the other day.  He’s an all around sweet, nice guy – pure as apple pie.  I read on his chart that his last treatment was a month ago, so he must know by now if it helped him or not.  I was afraid to ask, and he didn’t look too thrilled.  He had a quietness about him.  I massaged him before, but he was different.

I started thinking about this movie I saw on Netflix about a Dr. Burzynski.  He claimed to have found a cure for cancer, but can’t get approved by the FDA because his patented cure would replace the normal cancer treatments and all the money for his drug will go straight into his pockets and not the governments.  At least that’s what he claims.

The movie was convincing.  They had real patients of his with tears in their eyes saying that without Dr. Burzynski’s treatment they’d be dead already.

But then I started thinking., I mean, if the FDA really won’t approve of his treatment simply because they would lose money, then why can’t he just take one for the team and hand over his formula?  Let the government have all the money.  Isn’t the idea to cure people anyway?  The more I thought about it, the more of a scam it sounded.  When they interviewed Burznynski, he didn’t appear to be a loving, considerate fellow – he looked like a sheisty Pole to me.


It’s just so sad.  I mean really REALLY sad that this guy can live with himself.  He charges his clients every last dime they have in the world, or will ever have, just for hope alone.

This is the main reason why I took down my remote healing website.  I wrote the damn thing fast and furious (having no patience to work out the small details), published it for all the world to see with the single thought of making money off it.  I loved the idea of bringing hope to others, but loved the idea of bringing money to my pockets more.  I wasn’t sure if my prayers would actually have an affect on people, so I tried not to focus on that.  Instead I thought about the money.  If I was absolutely 100% sure that my prayers were in fact helping others, then I wouldn’t care about the money part as much, but be silently excited and thrilled over my secret human power.   I would feel God-like and superhero-ish.  People’s praises would go straight to my head.  So either way you slice it, I’m a selfish SOB no better than that damn sheisty immigrant.

I taken down the website because, A:  I wasn’t making any money off it and B:  I felt guilty as a Mo Fo.

Whew, that makes me sound like a complete asshole.  Well I am a complete asshole and I’m sure most people know it by now.  That’s why I’m sitting home alone tonight.

I turned all that stuff over and over in my head as I massaged the soft little tufts of hair clinging for dear life on my poor clients scalp.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t.  I pretended my hands were giving him hugs.  It made me feel better to know that I have the capacity to hold so much compassion for people, but I still have a jerky way about me.  I was born on Valentines Day.  According to my birthday horoscope book, people born on that day are usually jerks.

I have to accept this jerkiness within me.  I have to love who I am, forgive who I am and try to get past it.  Acknowledge my shortcomings and raise my awareness to a new level of consciousness.  And eventually I’ll become so self-aware that I will become……..A SUPERHERO!  And cure cancer.

If you do nothing, you are worth nothing.


Filed under All about me, journal, Self help

3 responses to “I’m a hot mess

  1. Steph

    So I saw the pic of that shady DR. Before I read the last part and I totally thought he looked evil!

    • Yeah you can totally tell just by looking at him. It’s really sad because the movie got high reviews, won an award, recieved five stars and 93% of viewers enjoyed the movie. It’s so convincing!
      I found out that he’s actually using the urine of healthy people to put into the viens of sick people and he charges them hundreds of thousands of dollars.

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