My vitamin wants me dead

Don Draper

Image via Wikipedia

Wow, how weird it is to have an hour break and to be sitting here in my celestial armchair at Starbucks. This hasn’t happened in a long time.

I’m tired. I’ve been having nightmares about zombies lately. My dream dictionary says it means that I have a deceitful person in my life trying to harm me. Who would want to do that?

I think it’s my multivitamin.

I was eating breakfast today and watching Mad Men as usual when I threw a big-ass vitamin into my mouth and swallowed, only it didn’t go down. I drank a whole pint of water and it was still caught halfway down my throat and strangling me.

Don Draper was being his typical smooth as silk self, talking pretty to some well-manicured woman while I started gagging on my vitamin. I started coughing up all the water I drank. I covered my mouth with my hand and coughed up water into it, then I ran to the bathroom where I proceeded to cough up my vitamin into the toilet.

What a way to start my day! Not very becoming. Don Draper would have been disgusted. Especially having my morning egg dripping down my chin.

Why do I look like hell? Oh yeah, because of the unrelenting zombies chasing after me and my beastly vitamin wanting me dead. Why is the world so cruel?

My soy latte makes everything all better.

Ahhhhh, yes. It’s good.

Two successful dapper young lads just sat across from me. I’m hoping I won’t choke on my soy latte – I’m still a little shaken from earlier.

Guhhhh, I don’t want to work today. I have problems.

Manchester community college won’t take me until they have my immunization records. I went to my pediatrician for them, but they don’t have any record of me having chicken pox. I definitely had them, there’s just no record of it. This is a problem. I either need to get chicken pox right now, or get vaccinated with this drug call Vacera or something like that. The vaccine costs $130.

Is it wrong of me to want to sign the form myself saying I had chicken pox? I mean, this is silly. Really, really silly and ridiculous. What would happen if they catch me? I’ll go to prison? Pfffff……I don’t know what the hell to do. It’s just an empty box in a form that needs a doctor to say I had chicken pox, that’s it. Don’t I know better than a doctor? It’s freakin chicken pox, not the plague.

I have to go to freakin’ work.

2 Comments

Filed under humor, journal, rant

2 responses to “My vitamin wants me dead

  1. sarah

    Mel they can run a blood test to see if you’ve had chicken pox… not sure how much but I’m sure it’s less than the vaccine

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