Oh for the love of God, calm down Melanie!

No Fate...But What We Make for Ourselves

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I get horrible emotional PMS the day before my period.  I hate it, but learned to recognize it when it happens.  I hunker down and try to calmly ride it out.

Tonight’s nefarious antagonist is about fate.  If fate is real, than we have no free will.  But if fate is an illusion, then our lives have no real meaning.

This dilemma is spiraling me into a full-blown panick attack.  I haven’t had a panick attack for about 10 years.

But maybe there’s a catch to using fates ability.  Maybe it only works when you really want something.  When you want something, the universe tries to keep your wishes in balance.  Meaning, that if you make a wish – send it out into the universe and it fits in well with everything – the universe will help you.

You can’t wish all the red lights to turn green just for you.  That wouldn’t be balanced – it doesn’t fit in.  It’s like dealing with an ecosystem.  But if you look at the ecosystem as a microcosm of fate, you will see that all species have special abilities for survival.  When they need food, they have food.  When they need to flee, they have wings or climb.  Everything they wish, they get.  The one determining factor is how hard they work for it.  How much they are driven to succeed and how much they believe they will succeed.  And if it’s more than the other guy, they win.

So is fate real?  Only if you wish it.  Only if you want it to be.  Fate is as real as anything else – you just have to wish it into existence.  And I believe you can wish anything into existence.

See how weird I get before my period?  My head’s going to explode and I feel really alone.  But hell, what can you do….The good without the bad, ain’t no good at all, right?

On nights like these I just want to go out and drink.  But that accomplishes nothing.  Am I running from something?

I’ve been reading Positive Energy by Judith Orloff and she says that everybody encounters negative feelings but not a lot of people acknowledge them.  They just stuff them inside and truck along – keeping themselves occupied and well distracted.  The negativity builds up in their bones.

This makes me think about the low back muscles.  People who hunch over, carry a lot of weight in front or pick things up inappropriately all develop palpable balls of muscle tissue (knot’s) along their sacrum.  They unknowingly carry these knots with them and they go unnoticed until something aggravates them and the whole system goes out of whack.

People’s negative energies are like those knots.  Judith says that when people are brave enough to look into the root of the negativity, they can learn to grow and release it.  Essentially learning from their fears.  Dark turns to light.  You become a warrior of your own dark forces.  You can’t be a warrior without the courage to face them.

I’m starting to write like Judith.

For me, my biggest fear is that everything I do means nothing.  I know that I’m not a nothing, but feel that my actions and imprints might be.  I feel alone because of this.  This is why I want to drink and go out.  I can quell my loneliness (the symptom), but I can’t quell the cause.

Finding a goal and actually wanting something has always been my biggest challenge – always my biggest challenge.  My subconscious reasoning has always been; you can’t fail if you don’t try.  Why am I so scared to fail?


I hate writing stuff like this.  It’s so weepy washy.   “Blah blah blah, poor me.”

I’m PMS’ing, so you’re just going to have to deal with these episodes.

So my verdict is that when I’m not working toward something, I feel empty.  And when I feel I can’t accomplish something, I feel drained and exhausted.

Okay, there.  I’m done.

No, not done.  I just want to mention what the Chinese are planning to do.  They consider the Dalai Lama as a separatist, a revolutionary. Basically, a threat to them.  So you know what they want to do?  Appoint the new Dalai Lama themselves!  They want to appoint a new Dalai Lama that conforms to the Chinese government.

In case you didn’t know, the Dalai Lama is an incarnation of the original Dalai Lama (the Buddha himself!  Gautama Buddha dating back to 563 BCE.  {That’s before the common era}).  He can not be found until the current Dalai dies and the monks follow the trail to the newly born golden child.

After learning about China’s plan to oversee one of the world’s most sanctified traditions, two young benevolent monks set fire to themselves.

The whole purpose of the Dalai Lama would be lost.  It makes absolutely no sense to me.  Especially since many Chinese practice buddhism.  Maybe they practice buddhism but don’t believe that the Dalai is their saviour?  It’s like the Jewish warring with the Catholics.

It’s too much to think about.  Okay, now I’m really done.


Filed under random thoughts, Self help

2 responses to “Oh for the love of God, calm down Melanie!

  1. Steph

    I have balls of muscle tissue in my back and shoulders 😦

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