The glass is broken

The Great Hall of The Breakers in Newport, Rho...

Image via Wikipedia

I’m laying in bed puffing on my fake cigarette and watching Battlestar Galactica. I’m on episode 12 – only 64 more to go. The show is awesome! Why haven’t I watched it before? It’s so awesome in fact, that I lost my focus. I still need to apply for college and study for the entrance exam.

I’m reading a book called “Intuitive Healing” by Judith Orloff. It’s such a good book! She mentioned several times that dreams provide a sure-fire way for obtaining goals – ANY goal.

You have to ask a question before you fall asleep and when you wake up, you will have your answer. If it doesn’t work the first night, try and try again until it comes to you.

I asked, “How can I be better at math?”

Before my alarm woke me up the next morning, I was at a beach resort. Palm tree’s swaying, ocean, sand, an outside bar full of happy patron’s and then there was Bob Marley. Bob sang to me.

Don’t worry

About a thing

Cause Every little thing’s gonna be alright

The song was perfect as if hearing it in concert. Then I hear, “BAHHH BAHHH BAHHH.” My annoying alarm clock woke me up, but I could literally still hear the song playing after waking up.

Then I went to work to massage five people. Four of those five people weren’t talker’s, so I had a good four hours in my head to decipher the meaning of the dream.

Children came to mind. They are fast learner’s. I wondered why that is, than I realized they have no worries! Nothing clouds their developing brain from learning.

If I wipe out all worry, all fear, all anything negative about my life or future or past – I can learn faster and understand better.

After my last client, I hopped in my car with my friend Brie and drove straight to Rhode Island for a mini-vacation with my closest friends and made a vow to myself that I will not fret or worry about ANYTHING while there.

I have to give my brain a complete overhaul. Most of what I think about derives from worry. If it’s not directly about worry, my thought’s are still formed around them in some way or another.

I’m learning that if something is worrying me, I need to address it and release it. I have to keep doing that over and over again until it becomes second nature.

It’s a very self-actualizing process. I’m forced to be honest with myself – to see faults and all. It feels selfish, really. To see and feel all these things without the need to worry about them – what makes me so special? What gives me the right to not care?

That’s what I have to work on. I somehow linked worry with caring, but they are separate. They got to be seperate, right?

I left on Saturday and returned home on Tuesday. It was only three and a half day’s, but they didn’t fly by. I returned home feeling new – like a whole week had gone by. And I had so much more energy than I normally do from drinking all day.

Usually when I’m at the cottage, I drink all day, stay up late and not wake up until noon the next day. This time around, I went to bed late, woke up early (early in Melanie time), and had stores of energy that I tapped into.

Maybe it was because Steph was visiting and I was extra amped? Maybe. Or it could be from all that energy that I normally spend on worrying was spent on living in the present moment and taking it all in? Whatever it was, I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to stay up playing games and drinking all night and I got depressed when everyone else turned in.

We went to the Newport mansions and taken a tour of The Breakers. It was fantastic! What’s a better word than fantastic? Wondrous, breath-taking. I stopped at an open entryway leading into the backyard overlooking the ocean and tears welled up when I looked out – that’s how powerful the scene was.

Meet Joe Black was filmed at The Breaker’s. My client was telling me about it today. He said it’s his favorite movie ever and he absolutely loves that mansion. The Breakers also has an indoor swimming pool that they unfortunately left out of the tour.

My last day in Rhode Island, Kristina taken me to Watch Hill to riff through some of their cute boutique shops. I ended up buying a wooden figuring in the shape of a figure eight. It’s two people coinciding with each other. I thought it would be a great addition for my romance corner (even though I’m not looking for romance anytime soon). I just thought it looked cool.

When I got home, no, actually I didn’t even get home before having three boys text me wondering where I was. The figuring still laid wrapped up in a bag in my car.

I got home on Tuesday, Wednesday (yesterday) I had one boy wanting to hang out, and today – this is crazy, but the boy I had a crush on in high school opened up a chat session with me on facebook tonight. I haven’t seen or heard from him in 15 years!

He was a senior and I was a nerdy freshmen. We were friends back then and talked on the phone, taken drama together. A lot of girls liked him and so I couldn’t understand what he wanted with me. Me! A nerdy freshman!

We chatted for 40 minutes on facebook. He’s divorced now and living back in Cheshire and wants to hang out. He told me not to be a stranger.

Oh boy. Boys, boys, boys.

No boys. College, College, College! And move out of my damn parents house, pay off the rest of my debt. Good lord I have lots to do.

No Worries!

There’s an old Thai meditation that believes the glass is already broken.

Let’s say you have a precious antique glass goblet. Most people would keep it safe from harm and fuss over it breaking. But you can’t stop it from breaking – it will break eventually, so why worry?

The point of the the meditation is to teach you to see – to encompass, or embody the present and future and understand that that glass is already broken. Once you have that understanding, you will start to appreciate the time you have with it now, unshadowed with whats to come.

I never forgot that meditation. It stayed with me for a reason. My subconscious was telling me to let go of things.

I tried explaining this meditation to my mother and she said to me “I only believe in my God, not any of that depressing stuff.”

Me – “It’s not depressing, it’s liberating! God has nothing to do with it. Do you even understand what I’m saying?”

Mom – “I heard every word. You said everything is already broken. I don’t believe that. I won’t let go of my mother’s belongings because they’re already broken.”

Me – “What are you talking about?! Dad, you know what I’m saying, right?”

My dad was half asleep in his chair. He nods his head.

Dad – “Yeah”

Mom – “I believe in Jesus. I don’t need to get rid of anything.”

Me – “I’m not telling you to get rid of anything, I’m telling you to appreciate the time you have with it now.”

She had so much animosity. People hear what they want to hear and respond with the fears governing their mind.

This is what I don’t want to become.

Okay, it’s one in the morning. Should I do one more Galactica and call it a night? Sure, why not.

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Filed under journal, random thoughts, Self help

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