I’m a very poor student. Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I never went to college, and now I’m starting to remember why.
Last Tuesday I went to Gateway community college to fill out an application. I thought I can do everything in one day – apply and register for classes – easy pleasy, lemon squeezy – right? I mean, what kind of dope wouldn’t be excepted into a community college? I spelled ‘excepted’ wrong, didn’t I?
It’s not as easy as I thought.
First off, I chose Gateway because I liked their website design. They have all their course schedules listed and how many seats are left available. No other community college had this. I also liked the idea of it being in New Haven.
Stranger – “Hey good lookin’, where’d you go to school?”
Me – “New Haven.”
Stranger – “Isn’t Yale in New Haven?”
Me – “Why it certainly is. Yes kind sir, Yale IS in New Haven. You sure know your schools!”
Now, from this scenario, you can plainly see that I have not lied to the man.
I lied twice in my life about going to Yale. I just flat-out lied. They asked me where I went to school and because I had no answer, I told them Yale. They treated me like I was a rock star or something. I once seen a group of Yale students hanging around outside a diner tormenting a homeless lady. It was sad – I knew the homeless lady from seeing her around so much. I’ll never forget that.
I also like New Haven because it’s the fourth most dangerous city in America. I can say to people that I got my education from the projects in New Haven.
Stranger – “Wow, Yale….That’s impressive.”
Me – “It’s okay, but I got my education from the ghetto of New Haven.”
Gateway is litterally in the slums. Okay, maybe not in the slums, but it’s hard to describe it’s location. It’s confusing and messy. There’s one main street that run’s parallel to the wharf – a wharf is a place for cargo ships to load and unload. So, that whole area of New Haven is just one big stockyard. There are storage-looking buildings, lots and lots of parking lots and big trucks. And there’s always construction work going on.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so there I was at Gateway. I filled out my application and read a sign that said they only accept (spelled it right that time!) check or money order to process the application. I didn’t believe the sign, so I annoyingly asked the woman behind the desk. I figured since it was only $20, she’d let it slide.
Ha, yeah right. She had me go to the post office behind Ikea to buy a money order.
I got lost on my way back trying to find a “short cut” through all the buildings and parking lots that connected – I found out they don’t all connect.
I handed the woman my application and money order.
Me – “Can I register for classes now?”
Her – “No, you have to wait for an email. It will give you your student I.D number and instruct you on what to do next.”
The very next day, Tuesday, I received the email. It said I’ve been accepted, but I have to take a placement test. Everybody has to take a placement test, even people who only want to take one class for one semester. SAT scores don’t even count (thank God).
I just so happen to have a math book that is a perfect study guide for these types of tests. I got it way back when I was studying for the ASVAB (lol, the ASVAB….what was I thinking?).
So there I was. Sitting at my desk on a Tuesday, flipping through polynomials and factoring.
Me – “How can I possibly go to Happy Tuesday now?”
I held off drinking my face off with the guys, and stayed home to “study” instead. I wasn’t actually studying, I was analyzing the thickness of the book. I was separating the sections off with paperclips, getting my highlighters and scrap paper ready – one last look at the thickness of the book, then I placed it on my desk and looked at movie times.
Yes, I looked at movie times. I went to see Cowboys versus Aliens because, well, it’s freakin’ cowboys versus aliens! Two of my most favorite movie genre’s coalescing into one! If they included some crazy kung-fu hero, it would have been sublime. For me, anyways.
After the movie, I came back home to “study.” I read one section of the math book and then compared the thickness of the section I just read, with what I still have to read.
Me – “Four pages in didn’t put a dent in it.”
I put the book down and picked up my laptop.
One cool thing John has introduced me to is Cignot electronic cigarettes. I went on their website to do some research.
While I was in New Haven, I stopped at the Mobil for gas and cigarettes. Gas was over $4 a gallon which totally pissed me off (I hate Mobil), and I bought a pack of cigarettes for $11!
Me – “Don’t I get change back?”
Indian guy – “Nope, no change. Even eleven. Isn’t that great?”
He actually asked me “isn’t that great?”
Because of my never-failing frugalness, the E-cigarettes piqued my interest.
It taken me about, oh I don’t know, 3 hours researching this brand of electronic cigarette. I read their website inside out, watched a ton of YouTube video’s. There are literally dozens of people out there who are obsessed with this electronic cigarette to the point where they have to proclaim their love worldwide on a YouTube video. That’s devotion.
John was obsessed with it. He puffed on that thing every five minutes.
I got it in the mail today and you know what? It’s actually pretty cool. I’m almost positive that I’ll never buy another pack of smokes again because of this little contraption.
Cool people don’t smoke anymore, they vape. I’m not kidding, that’s what they call it. The sexy woman on the commercial said, “Come on guys, want to vape with me?”
The funny thing is that I’m not quitting because it’s bad for me, I’m quitting because I’m cheap!
When I was a little girl I had a cap gun. After I shot off a few rounds, the smoke would twirl out the little plastic barrel. Guess what I did when the smoke came out? I put my mouth up to it and inhaled.
If that counts as smoking, then I’ve been a smoker for 25 years! And I’m only 31.
Stranger – “How long you been a smoker?”
Me – “Well, I started on cap gun when I was only 6. Cap gun is what got me hooked. It’s the gateway smoke.”
Stranger – “I’m sorry, did you say cap gun?”
I’m eating sardines and want to finish watching the last episode of Persons Unknown. I got to catch y’all later. Thanks for the listen!