$6,600 in debt and my new ultimate plan

Instead of buying a $2,000 dollar laptop, I paid off $2,000 of my debt.  This brings me down to $6,600.  It’s almost done, almost paid.

My goals for the future seem to correlate strongly with how much debt I’m in.  Last year when I owed $18,000, I wanted to fuck my life and join the military.  I started running and studying for the ASVAB.  But for every month that passed and my debt decreased, I started thinking a little more clearly, a little more rationally.

A couple months ago when I was $10,000 in debt, I wanted to buy an RV and travel the entire North American continent selling my artwork at craft shows, in catalogs, galleries, my website.  It sounded great, but it lacked an ending and an ultimate purpose.  I would also be alone for long stretches of time.  I’m not good with being alone.  Not only would I be alone, but I would derail from my original dream of finding a cure for cancer.  I know how ludicrous that sounds, but I really want to help people on a large scale and the best way for me to do that would be to find cures for stuff.

When I was $8,000 in debt, I still wanted to buy an RV to take to California and back and then after my trip I would live in the RV while going to college because I thought it would be cheaper than renting an apartment.  And I love the idea of RV’s.  You can live anywhere!  But now I’m $6,600 in debt and I’m thinking that RV’s and gas are expensive and maybe I should focus more on getting my ass in college rather than going on an RV adventure – although, it would be awesome.

I don’t have to work today and I have absolutely nothing planned – I don’t have to do a damn thing all day.  I love LOVE days like this!  I feel like I can think.  I can think and plan.

My plan is to go to school for pharmacology.  There is a specific branch of pharmacology that was especially made for me called pharmacognosy.  It’s when scientists get to travel to rainforest’s in search of new species of plants and animals so they can examine their cell components in hopes of finding healing parts for desease.  I’ve wanted to do exactly that since I was a kid!  My favorite toy growing up was a playschool microscope.  That has to mean something, right?

It’s just that a life of massaging one body after another is not a life I can look forward to.  I’m helping people on a small scale in one hour increments at a time – I do all the physical work, but for this alternative therapy to really help, the client has to do the emotional work.  They have to get all the negativity out of their bones so their body can start to heal itself.

One of my clients is a breast cancer survivor and a bit of a motivational speaker.  We talked all about the dynamics of healing and how much the mind can affect the body.  I told her my goals to go to school to be a pharmacologist, and without hesitation she said, “Well, you have to do it.  If that’s what you want, you have to do it.  And you look so young, you’d fit right in.  Not that age should ever be a factor in taking classes.  I’m starting up again and I’m well into my forties.”

Every time I have something on my mind that I need reassurance for, or I have questions about, I get a client that has all the answers.  It’s unbelievable, but true!  Not only do these people listen, but they care about me, they give me feedback and guidance.  It’s like I have five hours worth of guidance counseling four days a week.

Yes, my job is cool in many respects, but it’s more like a bridge than a place to stay indefinitely.  For me, anyway.  It’s a place for me to regain balance and poise before I have the strength to make the next big leap.

I feel very secure there.  Instead of my head being filled with dread and worry, it’s free to wander – to paint, to write, philosophize, plan, payoff my debt without any headaches.

I got a lot of work ahead of me.  I think I’ll start off with a nap.  Maybe eat a sugary snack, watch a kung fu movie on Netflix.  Who know’s, the day is open.  Ahhh, how I love days like this.  I love my life.  Period.

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Filed under journal, Self help

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