Is it just me, or does everyone have a creepy cousin that goes to every family function? The guy who wears a fall jacket in the summer. The cousin who started asking you out on dates when you were 14, and he was like, 30. Doesn’t everyone have a cousin like that?
I have a cousin like that. He was born with some weird illness that affects about one in a billion people, so he can get away with being creepy. And I’m not allowed to comment on his creepiness without getting yelled at.
Cousin – “So, Melanie, where you been? Where’s your new hang out? Do you still hang out at the truck stop? What music do you listen to these days?”
Me – “Uhhh…..I uhhh….”
Aunt Betty- “Melanie! Can you get me some corn?”
This picnic was for the italian side of my family – all my mom’s aunt’s and uncle’s. I call them pepperoni eaters because they love all kinds of salty meats so much so that they all end up dying of strokes or heart attacks.
Aunt Rosemary – “Me too, I want a corn.”
When I was younger, there were only about two or three immobile aunts and uncles that had a hard time navigating their bodies through the chairs and picnic tables to get to the buffet – the younger generation had to wait on them. But time’s have changed, people got older, so now it’s all of them that can’t navigate easily.
I felt like Charlie from Willy Wonka and The chocolate factory where all his relatives stayed in one big bed all day never to get up, and little Charlie had to do everything.
My uncle Jim raises his fingers up – “Five, we need five all together.”
Aunt Betty – “With butter.”
I was thankful to get away from creepy cousin.
When I gave everybody their corn on the cob, apparently I didn’t put enough of butter on them.
Aunt Betty – “This isn’t dripping with butter. There isn’t any butter on this.”
Thankfully my cousin Christina shows up.
Christina – “Hey doll, there you are!”
She gives me a big hug. We always got along like BFF’s.
Me, Christina and my cousin, Mary, sneak away from the prying eyes of our elder’s to have a smoke. I walked to my car to fetch my cigarettes and creepy cousin followed me.
He looked in my car and saw the two over-flowing garbage bags full of books spilling out onto the back seat.
Creepy cousin – “What are you doing with all those books?”
Me – “I have to donate them to the library. They’re book’s I’ll never read again. You can help yourself.”
I left him alone to rummage around in the junk pile in my car, and joined Mary and Christina.
Mary – “So, is it true you said you went to Japan but really went some place else?”
Me – “What? How do you know I went some place else?”
Mary – “My dad told me.”
Me – “Really!? Oh man how does your dad know?”
Mary – “I don’t know, he just does.”
Christina starts laughing – “Your parents didn’t want you to end up in Broken down Palace.”
Me – “I went to South Korea. It’s safe. I don’t think my mom know’s yet. She keeps asking me questions about Japan and she’s still telling people I went there. She was telling everyone today that I went there.”
Mary and Christina laugh. I don’t know why, but all my friends and family think that lying to my parents about my travel destination is one hilarious, never ending joke.
After our cigarettes, I go to leave and my creepy cousin is still hovering inside my car.
Creepy cousin – “Can you give me a ride home? I don’t want to stay here anymore.”
Me – “Sure, yeah, I’ll give you a ride.”
But I didn’t have to. His parents were there and brought him home instead. But before he left, he made sure to ask me out for the fifth time that day.
Creepy cousin – “You should call me so we can do something. Where’s your new hang out? I hang out at dunkin donuts, if you’re in the area, you should stop in.”
His parents were calling for him to leave me alone. He shrugs his shoulders, lifts up his hands and says, “I’m just sayin.'”
The next day was the fourth of July. I met Christina at her condo before we headed to the casino. I strapped myself into her car and rolled down the window.
Christina – “Do you like Ray?”
My cousin is half black, so I thought Ray was code for the blues, like Ray Charles. To avoid her noticing my lameness, I said – “Yeah, I like Ray.”
She laughs and pours me a cup of something from out of a Tropicana bottle. I inhale it’s aroma like a fine wine, I take a sip and swished it around my palette to release it’s full flavor. Big mistake. It wasnt the type of drink you want to keep in your mouth for long.
That’s when I realized she was talking about rye whiskey. Not Ray Charles, not the blue’s, but rye as in the whiskey.
Christina – “I call him Uncle Ray.”
I’ve been introduced to many alcohol’s in my day, but never have I drank such a concoction of liquors such as this that was presented to me in an innocuous plastic Dixie cup.
Me – “Holy shit…….Holy……shit.”
Christina laughs and laughs – “Time for you to wake up Melanie! Ha ha, wake up!”
Christina – “I have a secret to tell you. If we’re going to hang, I want you to know. Unless you got a big mouth. You got a big mouth?”
Me – “You’re pregnant? Engaged? Do drugs?”
Christina – “I smoke pot.”
Me – “Really? That’s your secret?”
Christina – “That’s it.”
I was a bit disappointed. The secret wasn’t juicy enough for me.
She lights up a big fat blunt and passes it over to me. I take a hit. I take several hits.
Christina started telling me about a show she watches on CBS called Big Brother. I don’t watch tv, but for some reason I knew everything about the show.
This blew my mind completely. It could have been from the pot, or more accurately, may have been from a very strong telepathic bond between Christina and I. What ever she visualizes, I can also see.
I seen in my minds eye everything she was describing perfectly. So perfect that I thought I seen the whole show, episode for episode.
I didn’t tell Christina any of this for fear of sounding lame, which I know for a fact it does sound way out there.
Anyway, we get to the casino, play the slots, have fun. I stayed high for about two hours after smoking. It was a mellow high, nothing harsh.
Christina – “I can do this all night.”
When I started coming down, that’s when the tired eyes set in. So sleepy, so very sleepy.
Christina – “Girl, you tired?”
She saw me yawn.
She’s awesome to hang out with. As soon as I started getting tired, she took me home. I wasn’t expecting that. Normally I’m ignored when I start getting tired.
Okay, so that was my fourth of July. The next day was Tuesday (yesterday), at around 4 pm, I go meet Dave and the bunch at Berlin Station café for our weekly get together.
I havent been to Happy Tuesday for over a month. The crew expanded and adopted even more happy members to their club. There were more girls, which is great for me since I don’t have to be the only girl anymore.
We taken up the entire bar and was more rowdy than ever before. I invited Christian to come down after work, which he did. I think he was a tad overwhelmed from all the singing and the number of people in our party.
Christian – “Is this a special occasion?”
I shrug my shoulders and say, “it’s Tuesday.”
Everyone loved him and told us we were now engaged to be married. He even got along with my ex, Dave.
Time flew by and next thing I knew, it was 10 pm and I was tired and hungry. I headed home and stopped at a gas station for a fill-up and a slim jim.
I’m tired. I can’t write anymore. I just got out of work and need to eat.
On my way into my massage clinic today, there was a woman outside – a rotund, sweaty, frizzy haired woman who started harassing me about my job.
Crazy lady – “Does it bother you that you work for the walmart of massage clinics?”
Me – “Not really.”
Crazy lady – “Do you feel you don’t have the skills to start your own business?”
It made me so upset I can’t even tell you. I had in my possession a slew of comebacks I could have whipped out at her, but I kept my cool.
Me – “I get a good paycheck every week, I have benefits and I love working here.” And I just walked away. But seriously, damn. She was so angry that I could feel the animosity emanating off of her.
She made me feel like a scab, and she was the protester.
Okay, I have to eat and go to bed, or work on my painting. I’m doing a cool painting of a Geisha holding an unbrella in the rain. I want to make it really colorful. I’ll show it after I’m done.
Make-shift toilet paper holder.