Conscious thought and the power of self awareness

"Gathering the Light" from the Taois...

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“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

– Albert Einstein

Before I go to bed most nights, I ask myself a question. It sounds silly, but I always find the answer to the question the next day.

My last question I asked was, “what is meditation?” I read books on the subject, taken yoga, went through massage school without ever really grasping the point of it.  My teacher’s would tell me to be aware of the thoughts floating in my mind, then let them go. That is meditation.  The coming and going of thought.

Their explanations left me disappointed. I knew there was something more to it, and so last week I asked it as my bedtime question in hopes that my subconscious will find the answer.

However, it might not be my subconscious finding the answers, it might be something bigger.

I believe in this thing called “Global Consciousness.” It’s when people in your immediate surrounding (or as much as the whole world) share the same thoughts, emotions, and experiences as you do – it creates a psychic bridge between people, where their thoughts become your thoughts. Their knowledge becomes your knowledge.

Many inventions happen at the same time because of this, also senseless mass hysteria can happen, insane mob mentality, and why funny movie’s are funnier when you’re in a room with a bunch of people laughing.  Shared experience permeates the air and leaves a karmic imprint.

Anyway, I believe there exists outside of us, a vast array of knowledge of the past, present and future events and information living in juxtaposition alongside us. All we have to do is reach out and ask it specific questions.

“What is meditation?”

When I woke up the next day, I started thinking over my theory about effort – how the amount of effort you put into something is in perfect ratio with its rewards. “This is wrong,” I thought. You have to see the bigger picture. You have to be aware of what you’re doing. You have to be aware of yourself and your actions. You have to meditate on what you’re doing.

Meditation is finding self-awareness.

A good example of this can be seen in watching the first few rounds of contestants on American Idol. They put so much effort into what they’re doing, but they fail to hear themselves sing. They are not self-aware.

This reminds me of robots.  One reasson why robot’s can never be human is because they lack self-awareness.  Self awareness is in direct connection with what makes us human – what gives us soul.  Do the first few contestants on American Idol lack soul?  They’re lacking something it seems, just don’t know what.

I think teenagers go through a phase of self-awareness where they transform out of their little kid phase and into adulthood. They notice parts of themselves that are construed as being stupid, or childish.  And so they also judge others on their uncoolness or stupidness.

In meditation, you need to be aware of these thoughts, then let them go. Embrace them, then let them go. If you don’t let them go, you will be a grown adult still holding onto adolescent judgements and discriminations from your younger years.  Vanity and buying name brands come to mind.  Any type of shallow thought, if not let go, can hinder your ability at seeing things on a deeper, more meaningful level.  Holding onto learned judgements puts the ego in charge thus hindering your ability to make conscious choices (I’ll discuss that in a moment).

Anyway, what am I going to do with my knowledge about Self-awarness?….Hmmmm.  I can’t think of a damn thing.

I watched a Nova documentary about making choices.  There are two types of choices;  There is the “Ego’s choice” and then there’s the “Conscious choice.” The Ego’s choice stems from learned desires and conditioned thinking with very little free will involved. It’s not thinking creatively.

Then there is making a Conscious choice.

I wrote a while back that the hard thing to do is often the right thing to do. Like for instance, having good posture. We are naturally inclined to do things the easy way. It’s when you put in the effort and self-awareness to make conscious choices that impact your life for the better.

Think about it, God may have made us all equally lazy, but it’s the conscious people with their eyes open that lead brilliant lives and help the most people.  They know it takes a little extra effort, a little dash of soul, to do whats right for them and the world.

Those of us with our eyes still shut are just brilliant little lumps of unmolded clay – waiting expectantly for some light to be shone on us.  Being an unmolded lump doesn’t make us bad people.  I’m pretty lumpy and wouldn’t say I’m all that bad.

Want to know my lumpiness?  I’m still laying in bed at 4 p.m on a Tuesday. Is this a conscious choice to lay in bed at 4 p.m on a Tuesday?  I think so. Maybe. It’s certainly not the hard thing to do. I want to nap.

What I should be doing is starting a write-up for my new website and make paintings to sell on that website, but instead I’m laying in bed wanting to nap.


A couple days ago I went to Sushi Sunday with some girlfriends I haven’t seen in a while. I drank one large and one small sake, then went to the bar with them afterwards. At the bar, I ran into people I used to work with at Stop and Shop 15 years ago.

Our relationship is unchanged. Our lives are basically unchanged….

One of the guys kept giving me pecks on the mouth. He had a crush on me when I was 16 working as a cashier.  I was 16 and I think he was 21 or 22.


We drank a lot of beer, played some pool and then Kristina text me asking me if I wanted to go over to Dan’s for a campfire.  After asking her repeatedly if there was any alcohol there, we finished our pints and headed to Dan’s.  Sarah had to drive my car.  She picked up a cute 23 year old at the bar who was tailing behind us.


I drank two vodka cocktails.  I was inebriated to the point of wanting to close my eyes and sleep in front of the fire.

I made it home somehow, ate Sarah’s left over hibachi dinner she forgot in the back seat of my car, and went to bed.

I woke up around 5 am feeling absolutely horrid.  My head was pounding like never before, I was cold and had to throw up.  I was desperately craving seltzer water, or club soda as I always do when hung over.

I laid in bed and didn’t move.  I laid there in misery for what seemed like at least an hour, maybe two.  I wanted to avoid throwing up because I hate hurling after eating – it’s gross.  I figured that if I put it off long enough, Sarah’s dinner would be almost all the way digested and the only thing that would come up is all the water I drank before going to bed.

Finally, I could no longer hold it off.  I was going to ralph, to retch, to toss the nasty cookies.  Sarah’s hibachi dinner wanted out.  I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for a while.  It wasn’t just water that came out of me.

When I was done, I went upstairs for some Advil, a tall glass of seltzer, a cold towel for my head and laid back down in my bed.  I felt better, but still sick.

I fell back to sleep and woke up at 2 pm, showered, dressed, and left the house to go give a massage to a man down the street at my other job who’s been coming to see me for the past four years.

I went home after the massage and played video games for hours and hours.  Yes, I am mighty lumpy indeed.

I still feel like crap.  I don’t know how alcoholics do it.

Here’s your moment of Zen.

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Filed under journal, random thoughts, Self help

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