Crazy aunt antics

I went upstairs just minutes ago to make myself a cheese sandwich.  My mom was sitting in her rocker in the living room and talking on the phone with my aunt Cathy.  My aunt and OCD cousin were talking in hushed voices down the hall in his bedroom just like normal crazy people do.

I overheard my mom’s phone conversation;

Mom – People are saying that one of the apostles was really a woman.  Yeah, people like to stir stuff up, that’s all.

She was most likely talking about the Da Vinci Code scandal and how the History Channel did a show that backed up the facts that were told in the book.

I never understood this debate, but I’m not a die-hard religious freak either.  I just don’t see what the big deal is – I will never see what the big deal is, and if liking the DaVinci code makes me a blasphamist than I have no problem with that.

Me – They say that was Mary Magdalene with him.

Crazy aunt – NO IT WASN’T.

I’m not nice in regards to ball-busting.  I love to bust up people’s balls now and then and here lies the perfect opportunity.  It’s even more ridiculous because my aunt refuses to speak to me.  She tells my mother her opinions loud enough for me to hear.

My mom was still talking on the phone, ignoring my comment.

Mom – There was an apostle who looked like a young feminine boy, so they say he was a woman, but that’s just how they dressed back then.

Me – He was definitely a She.

I was in the kitchen making a sandwich.  My dad saunters in smiling.

Dad – And Jesus has some illegitimate kids running around too.

I love my dad.

Me – I have some Jesus blood in me.

Dad – Well now I don’t know about that.

Crazy aunt – Sandra, do you hear your daughter?  Tell her she’s wrong!

My crazy aunt pretended not to hear my dads comment.

Mom – Just ignore her.  When you get upset, it only makes her talk more.

Me – I saw Mary Magdalene in church!

I said this really loud and stupidly because I thought it was funny.  Of course it’s not funny and doesn’t make any sense, but the mere mention of Mary Magdalene in this house is sacrilege.  Even if you say you saw her hitch-hiking, or pumping gas, any mention is profane.

Crazy aunt – Sandra!

Mom – Quiet now, I’m on the phone!  Don’t let it escalate!

My aunt started muttering about me not having a clean soul and would never be accepted by God.

Me – Eww, a spider!

I was walking down the stairs into my dust bin basement and was nearly bulldozed over by a spider.

Me – Mary Magdalene is this spider!

That definitely didn’t make any sense, but it made me laugh and I got the proper response from my crazy aunt.

Crazy aunt – Why is she doing this?

Mom – Don’t get upset.

Crazy aunt – I’m not upset.  She doesn’t make me upset.  She’s the one that has to stand before God.

Me – Me and Jesus had a beer last night!

Then I went into my room to write this post to you.  I’m still smiling over it.  I’m horrible, absolutely horrible.

Santa gave me pimples for Christmas.  Can you believe him?!  Pimples!  I don’t usually get them, but I’ve eaten a hellova lot of sweets lately.  I just want to hole myself up in my room and play video games.  I beat Final Fantasy finally.


Filed under humor, journal

12 responses to “Crazy aunt antics

  1. Steph

    I love it! I still cannot believe how crazy she got! she was so cool when we were younger.

  2. People get strange with age. I’m hoping that never happens to me.

  3. Kali

    i lol-ed over this post. then re-read it and lol-ed again hahaha i was at work last night and you weren’t there!!! i think im coming in 2 saturdays from now for a visit and i wanna see you!

    • Yes! Call me or text me when you get here. I work 9-4 on saturdays and I have Sundays off so its okay it we hang out late and party. I hope your new job is awesome.
      I was laughing so hard writing that post – I was laughing hysterically when I made all those funny comments to my aunt and she still got offended which made it even funnier. I still smile over it. I don’t want to move out of my house because of all the great writing material thats here.

  4. brie brie

    so hilarious. i can just picture being there with you. you know, if you ever need a hot shower, paul just had a hot water regulator valve installed last week so we can have really warm showers with consistently hot water for the entire time. pretty nice…only cost an arm and a leg. but really, you only live a few minutes away…

  5. brie brie

    paul says to turn the temperature up and scald him…wow, my husband is so mean, huh?

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