The first time I had sex

It’s the Holiday season, ti’s a time for love, family and baby Jesus – the perfect time to write about breaking my hymen.

It happened in the winter of 2001.  I was a meek lass of 21 – yes twenty-one years old.  I waited not because the opportunity never arose (no pun), I had a handful of boyfriends in my younger days. 

When I was 15, I was neighbors with a cute, seductive bad boy in my grade.  I was really close to doing it in his bedroom one hot summer afternoon, but having had his tongue in my mouth was all I could handle for one day.  I sucked on his tongue like it was a lollypop – I had no clue what I was doing. 

My parents didn’t want me hanging out with him, so I had to think up a lie to where I was all day.

Me – I was in the woods looking for yeti’s.

Mom – Yeti’s?

Me – Yeah yeti’s.  Someone said they saw one around here and I was going to investigate.  I brought my bb gun for protection.

She believed me.

After almost being seduced by the bad boy, I went out with Brain when I was 16, he was 21.  I told my parent he was 18.  He was cute, normal and nice, but he liked me way too much and annoyed me by calling everyday.  And I thought he was a loser for dating a 16-year-old.

I wasn’t into the whole sex thing when I was younger.  I never thought it was a big deal, and why should I bother with it if it had dangerous consequences? 

I started working at the Aquaturf in Southington when I first turned 21.  It’s a banquet facility and to this day remains the funnest job I ever had.

It was a big place, so they employed a lot of people.  There were many people in my age bracket that loved to go out and drink.  

I became one of the top dog’s – everybody loved me.  I was like gravity in those days, people just flocked to me.  Even the boss gave me the employee of the year award.

My confidence was abounding.  I felt famous from all the attention.

I decided I would sleep with one of the cute guys that worked there.  I just wanted to try it out, get it over with – get him in and out so I can get home at a reasonable hour before sunrise.

I picked a cute puerto rican boy.  In those day’s I thought puerto ricans were exotic, like latino’s or Brazilians.  I didn’t even know where puerto rico was.

I had no feelings for him other than I thought he was cute.  He was a suave ladies man, someone who I can mess around with and not feel guilty about breaking his heart.

Me – I want to have sex with you.  No strings attached.

Paul – When?

We didn’t pick a day, it just sorta happened one night after heavy drinking.  We went back to his place and started heavy petting.

Paul – You know, lots of girls end up falling in love with the first person they have sex with.  Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.

I did my inward eye-roll and said – Okay, no problem.

But that wasn’t the end of it, he kept repeating it.

Don’t fall in love with me, don’t fall in love with me.

All I wanted was to do it and he was starting to annoy me.  I get annoyed easily at dumb boys who insist that I have hidden feelings for them. 

Me – Do you have any porn?

I wanted to learn any last minute pointers on what to do, and I thought it would shut him up.

He put in a classy film about real life couple’s having sex in front of a camera.  Unfortunately it was nothing crazy.

Paul undressed me, taken a step back and said, “wow.”

Me – “Thanks.”

We started doing the deed.  It hurt a lot.  I had 21 years worth of sturdy hymen tissue getting stronger and more durable with each passing year.  When it broke, there was crimson everywhere.  I made him put down his least favorite towel under us before we started, so I was thankful for that. But there was a LOT of blood.  It looked like someone been murdered, or a whole family been murdered……by zombies.

It wasn’t enjoyable, but I was thankful that when I find a boy I REALLY like, I wouldn’t have to deal with all the mess.  That was my main objective for having sex with him in the first place, to prepare myself for my true love or a hot random stranger.  This way I get to bleed all over his bedroom and then hightail my red ass home.

He was a gentleman about it, and wanted to keep going of course.  So we continued for maybe five minutes more, and then it was over.  I can’t remember exactly what happened after, but it was something like this;

Me – That was fun.  I guess I should be heading home now.  I have work tomorrow.

I grabbed my coat and booked it out of there.  Before we had time to enjoy a celebratory cigarette.

The next day in work, I was setting a banquet room, putting the silverware on the table’s and filling water glasses.  I felt fabulous, absolutely fabulous aside from crotch ache.  I kept smiling, and had no regret on choosing Paul to pierce my womanly womb.  He was smiling at me, being nice to me that day.  Everything was cool, so I thought.

Life continued as normal.  The aquaturf gang continued going out after work every night, Paul was dropping hints that he wanted to get together again, but I really didn’t need his services anymore, so I kept brushing him off.

I finally caved after another night of heavy drinking.  I wanted to see if it was better the second time around.  We did it, and it was a lot better, but I left directly after without staying to snuggle.  Snuggling is for pussy’s and teddy bears.

Me – Well, gotta go.

Paul – Already?  You can stay.

Me – I have a big day tomorrow.

The next day he was asking me to have sex with him in one of the walk-in refrigerators.

Me – It’s cold in there.

Paul – Are you going to quinns tonight?

Me – Of course.

At the bar he kept making advancements at me, but I laughed and brushed him off and most likely flirted with EVERY guy in the bar except him.  I was a perpetual flirt.

There was a rumor going around the next day that Paul and I did it in the freezer.  Everyone knew we did it at his house, but in the freezer?  People were coming up to me asking me what happened in the freezer and I had no idea what they were talking about.  Besides, how can a guy perform in a freezer?  Doesn’t everything shrivel up down there?

My reputation was mutating.  I was a golden god before having sex with Paul, now people saw me as a sex crazed maniac.

It didn’t matter to me anyway, I got a new job waitressing at J. Timothy’s Tavern in Plainville.  I was moving on to bigger and better adventures. 

A month or two after I parted ways with the turf, I ran into a girl I worked there with.

Alexia – Paul is saying awful things about you, just awful!

Me – Really?  Like what?

She wouldn’t tell me what.  We were in the mall parking lot and she didn’t have much time to talk.

Alexia – He is telling everyone explicit details of when you guys had sex.

Me – What was he saying, that there was blood everywhere?  I couldn’t help it.

Alexia – He’s saying a lot more than that.

What could he have said?  That I don’t wipe my ass?  That I stink down there?  Maybe he was telling everyone that I fell in love with him and raped him in the freezer. 

I don’t have any mutations, and my body was bangin’ at that age.  Everything maintained and manicured, trimmed and lotioned – the only embarrassment I could think of was all the blood that spurted out of me like a sprinkler system.  And that’s nature, right?  I didn’t spray the walls or anything….

I should invent a drink.  Instead of a bloody Mary, the bloody Melanie.  That sounded funnier in my head.

I imagined him in the kitchen of the aquaturf, surrounded by all the people who once loved and cherished me, telling each and every one of them horrible absurd stories about me. 

Trust me, if I did something embarrassing, I would without question include it in my blog.

This girl, Jen was very much infatuated with Paul.  I never knew she had feelings for him.  She started hating me and began hanging out with Paul a lot and telling people they were best friends.  The two of them together would talk shit about me.  At least, that’s what I heard from the grape-vine.  I want to tell you Jen’s last name.  Should I?  Is that illegal?  Wassack, or Wassick?  Something like that.

In the traditinal Christmas spirit, there must be a moral to the tale:

If you’re a virgin and want to have a night of meaningless sex to break your hymen wall, please choose a stranger, and not a co-worker or friend.  Also the earlier you have sex, the less it will hurt, so have sex young.  And don’t let the guy wear a condom because it dulls the sensation. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!


Filed under All about me, humor, journal

6 responses to “The first time I had sex

  1. Steph

    You are right! I love this blog!! 🙂
    I really love it! 🙂

    • Do you remember me telling my parents the yeti story? You slept over that night after I was with Heath all day and we giggled about my parents being so gullable. I miss our sleep-overs.

  2. Holly

    So funny Mel. My favorite line is: I had 21 years worth of sturdy hymen tissue getting stronger and more durable with each passing year.

  3. Steph

    I TOTALLY REMEMBER THE YETI!!!!!!!!!!!! I still to this day cannot believe they believed you! hahaha

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