My guilt has been absolved. Abolished from my conscience. The place in my heart that held back my tongue has been severed. I now have no guilt, no connection between what comes out of my mouth and my once heavily built-in censor.
I let Robert go on living with us unfettered without my interference partly out of guilt. My mother told me that this is what family is all about. To be there when they need help. I felt guilty for the longest time because I didn’t want to help them. I didn’t want to help them because they didn’t want to help themselves.
And what my mother is doing is not helping. She’s being paid off to turn the other cheek. My aunt pays her every month and my mother uses that money to go gamble at the casino while I have to live in a house that smells like Roberts dissected shit (my new theory is that he picks it apart – hence the smell).
Some people are naturally built without this guilt apparatus that connects to their mouth (ass to mouth). My brother for instance is a great example of someone who is free to say as he pleases. He can speak the truth, formulate his words unencumbered by the ensuing outcome that follows.
I, on the other hand always struggled with that. I would rather see the argument come to an end than feed into it. I would rather take a verbal bashing than being tethered to the whole situation. I was never good at getting emotionally involved in anything.
But now I am painfully emotionally involved. This blog is giving me strength to creep out of the shadows – it stirs up all these feelings I been keeping at bay and everyone, all my friends, and even my brother is backing me up! I feel powerful. I feel like I shouldn’t feel guilty for speaking the truth and letting everyone know how dysfunctional they are.
Another reason for my liberation from guilt is that I’m not making excuses for my aunt anymore. I always felt sorry for her, and therefore never wanted to hurt her. But last week she told my mother that I sneak boys into the house when she’s away. There are so many things wrong with that statement that it’s pointless to go into. One thing being that I’m 30 years old and stopped ‘sneaking’ boys in the house a long time ago. If I want them over, I have them over. End of story.
She made me sound like a promiscuous slut. Me! Of all people. Basically she flat-out lied to my mother to discredit me. She wants my mom on her side and would do anything to keep it that way.
That lie cost her my respect. That lie is her one-way ticket to bitch-ville. Without that ticket I would have never asked her what that smell was last night (she called my mother directly after and told her that I yelled at her – completely untrue), I would never have posted Robert’s real name, I wouldn’t have banged on the ceiling last night at 4 in the morning for Robert to stop running the water (it was his 16 hour shower day).
It’s to the point where there is nothing she can say or do that would hurt me. Same goes for my mother. I went through enough pain and depression that my inner glow is kicking in and telling me that I don’t need them. I don’t need their approval, I don’t need for them to love me. It would be nice, but I don’t need it.
I’m in survival mode now. Trying to preserve my sanity and ridding myself of corrupt people who bring me down. I’m not going to sit downstairs and mind my own while they talk shit about me upstairs in ear-shot. No, screw that. That was the hurt sensitive little girl that took that abuse.
This in no way means that I’m incapable of forgiveness. I’m all about forgiveness and compassion. I can’t escape compassion – I hate it sometimes. But I like God’s idea of granting forgiveness to those who ask for it. That’s what I’ll do.
I feel like I’m becoming a woman. I’m getting in touch with my feelings and actually sharing them. I found a venue that lets me vent without interruption.
My co-worker told to me today as she was leaving and giving me a hug, “May the tips fly and the assholes die.” That has nothing to do with any of this, I just like it.