Mrs. Swan

The tv show ‘Madd tv’ had a skit about an asian woman who knew no english.  I massaged someone very similar today.

She walks into my little massage room, look’s at the table and then up at me.

“I’m going to start you face down.”  I say this very slowly and loud.  I flip the sheet over on the bed showing her that she need’s to be under it.  “Your face goes in there.”  I point to the face cradle.  She look’s at the table again, as if nothing is registering and look’s back at me.

“You can leave your underwear on or off.”  I put my hands on my hip’s to show I was referring to my undergarments.

“I take?”  She motion’s to her sweater.

“Yes, you take it off.”  I show her my bra strap and say, “This come’s off too.”

She makes the same motion as before, “I take”?  Grabbing her sweater.

“Yes, you take.” 

She tried asking me something else, but kept grabbing her sweater making the same motion as before.  I just kept saying the same thing, “yes you take off,” or “yes shirt come’s off.”

She unzipped her sweater before I could get out of the room.  I touch my leg’s and say, “Pant’s come off, too.”

This she seemed to understand.  She looked shocked and confused and said, “really?”

“Yes, so I can massage your leg’s.”  Then I leave the room because she was stripping in front of me.  When I walk back in the room, I sigh with relief to see that she was face down under the cover’s. 

I start massaging her and she asks me something about pins.  I wonder if she has pins sticking out of her skin that would stab me.

“Pin’s?  What pin’s?”  Then she whip’s the sheet off, exposing her breast’s and show’s me that she still had on her pants.

“Oh, yes, Pants off.”  This was clearly not going well. 

She was not a delicate flower and turned out to be much like those masochistic people who love pain.  I dug my elbow into her back, while she kept saying, “Hard” or “Strong.”

When it was time to turn her over on her back, I accidently called her Mrs. Swan from Madd tv.  “Okay Mrs. Swan, you ready to turn over?”  Her real name sounds very similar to swan, so it was easy for me to mix them up.  I’m pretty sure it would be unethical to tell you her real last name.

I start massaging her again.

Out of nowhere she say’s “Okay?”


“Yes okay, done?”  She had 10 minutes left in her massage.  I was massaging her leg.

“You’re all done?”  I ask.

“Yes, all done.”  And she whip’s the sheet off of her and sat up.  I leave the room completely dumbfounded.  My guess is that she doesn’t like people massaging her leg’s.

After she dressed, and I taken her to pay the girl’s at the front desk, I hear her tell them she thought she was getting a man.  Oh so Now she speak’s English?

I don’t know about my job sometime.  My next client was so happy to see me and all during her massage kept saying that I give the best massages ever.  That’s great, but hearing that put’s the pressure on.  At least for me it does.  And I can’t give a decent massage while people are talking to me.

I had six client’s today.  I couldn’t make it to starbuck’s for a happy hour frappuccino.  I didn’t have time to eat dinner either. 

I just scarfed down some tomato soup.  I put in shredded carrots, celery, ground pepper, a bit of hot sauce, parsley and a load of elbow macaroni.  I’m not a chef, I can’t cook, but it wasn’t half bad.  Their was so much macaroni in there that it was more like a pasta dish than soup.  I added a dollop of sour cream on top. 

I eat weird stuff.  And I’m the opposite of a picky eater.  Fear factor would’ve been a breeze for me.

I think I’ll crack open one of Dad’s beer’s.  Oh the joy of living home.  I can have my fill of free beer, but can’t bring boy’s home.  That’s an even trade off.

1 Comment

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One response to “Mrs. Swan

  1. Steph

    I love it!!!!

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