Melanie Joins a Pool League

I love to play pool.  I absolutely LOVE it beyond measure.  After decades of saying I’m going to join a league, I finally did after meeting some old friends out during one of their league nights.

My team adores me.  Well, at least I think they do.  And other people on different teams have taken a liking to me too.  The bartender, Brie, the owner, Billy, the manager (forgot her name), they all love me.

I was afraid I would hate having to be someplace every Tuesday night but it turns out that I look forward to it and it’s not impinging on work even when we are busy with signature couples massages.

I feel like a super star on Tuesday nights with my messy hair tied up, wearing my ripped jeans and hoodie.  I wear the same clothes every day.  Have I ever told you that?

I’m one of the few people who drinks beer while they play.  I’m surprised not more people do it.  Right now I’m a level 2, which is a perfect level to be since I can get away with drinking beer and not have to worry about missing a shot because, well, I’m a level 2!  And my team wants me to stay a level 2.

If I stop drinking beer during my matches, I’ll most likely go up a level.  The one night I experimented by only drinking one beer and I kicked the girls ass and won the whole thing.

I score points for my team each week and I don’t have to practice if I want to stay a level 2, and I can drink beer.  Sounds pretty peachy to me.  Good deal.

As of now my team is in second place.  Once we’re closer to the end of the season, I’m sure everyone starts to sweat bullets because if we win, it means we get to go to Vegas.  Vegas baby!

When I first joined the league last month, I became obsessed with practicing, watching YouTube videos, reading Jeanette Lee’s autobiography…..etc.  But now my obsession sort of died down.  Other obsessions taken its place.

People say I’m unemotional but I tell you what, when I play pool – they come out in full force.  Anyone who’s ever witnessed me play pool would never say I’m unemotional again.

My team set me up with my own stick (I named it the Pink Lady), a case, a glove and chalk.  I need the glove for my sweaty ass hands.  My hands are always sweaty no matter what I do.  While I was in Spain, Hana would grab my hand and tell me that it’s wet.

Hana – “They wet.  Why they always wet?”  She’d say while she smacked the palm of my hand.

They’re wet right now just typing on my keyboard.

I hate the way dry hands feel.  When a dry hand is handling or folding a dry piece of paper, I cringe.  I hate the sound of it.  If my hands ever do feel dry, I cup them over my mouth and blow my hot breath into them.

I’m a weirdo, I know.  I wonder what else I do that’s weird that I don’t realize.

I don’t have a client until 5:45.  It’s 1:41.  I should eat, shower, and maybe play my game for a bit.  I’m not sure what else to do.  I should clean the dryer vent at work but I’m so freaking lazy.

The dryer at work started making a racket on Saturday, February 17th, the busiest day of literally all time.  I think we had 35 clients or something crazy like that.  My theory is that it overheats because the vent is clogged.  We have to keep stopping and starting it.

I bought the LintEater kit from Amazon and I have to use it to snake the 35 feet of tubing – possibly more than 35ft.

As far as my new business goes…..I’m procrastinating.  Mainly because I can’t focus on more than one task at a time.  Work has been busy, which leaves me with no time to set up the new place, and the dryer is busted.  I’ve been stashing money aside though.  I have almost $2000 saved towards the new place.

Don’t get me wrong, money is tight these days.  We’re not promoting the membership anymore so I don’t have that automatic $6000 at the start of every month anymore.  Not only that, but our ex-members are still coming in to redeem their massages that got built up over the years.  There are a TON of them.  Just yesterday we had an ex-member come in for a 90-minute couples massage.  That will cost me at least $60 that’s been spent ages ago.

That’s just one example – these ex-members are coming in everyday to use up their credits and the money is long gone.  There wouldn’t be an issue if I didn’t have to pay $5000 to my lawyer.

Speaking of….I haven’t heard anything about the case in a while.  My lawyer was undergoing depositions but the next person in line to be questioned, had something happen to her.  Like hospitalization or something.  She had to push it back but that’s been weeks ago.

I also wrote a letter to one of the victims.  The lady who gave her deposition, I wrote her an email because I still had her info in my files so I figured, why not?

It was a personal, humble, wildly informal email describing my life up to this point.  I re-read it a few days ago and if she decides to sue me after reading that email, there’s no goodness left in her bones.  Her heart is far gone from this plane of existence. You’d have to be a psychopath to want to sue me after reading an email like that.

I haven’t heard anything back from anyone since sending her that email.  January 26th is when I sent it and now it’s February 22nd.  I’m hoping she gave it to her attorney to read.  I’m hoping I’ll get to read it in court.

She’s a professional, so I know she reads all her emails.

I should take a shower and start my day.  I hate having shit to do.

I’ll feel wholly settled once:

  • My new business is opened and established
  • My dryer is fixed
  • The signature couples massages are almost all redeemed
  • Taxes are done
  • The lawsuit is over

Until then, I’m all knots and bolts.  I can’t relax.  The only time I feel somewhat relaxed is nighttime when it’s too late for me to act upon anything.  But during the day, my procrastination stresses me out.

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The Immediate Moment

That’s all anyone ever cares about.  What’s happening here and now.

I’m not saying all of us are living in the present moment.  Immediate Moment and Present Moment are two very different things.  Well, according to me they are very different.  There’s not exactly a word to describe what I mean so I’ll illustrate it in my own way.

Present moment is exactly what you know it as.  Being aware of your surroundings, focusing on your target, being taken out of your head space.

For me personally, I drink beer to achieve the present moment effect.  I have trouble talking to people because I’m too much in my own head and not enough out of it to really focus on what people say.  It’s been a lifelong obstacle for me.

I HATED people telling me to come out of my shell.  There was no shell.  Fuck that shit man.

So anyway, beer helps a great deal in getting me out of my head and into the present moment.  It has nothing to do with guzzling liquid courage or feeling more relaxed and open.  Beer squashes my thinking.

Now let’s talk about the Immediate Moment.

What I mean by Immediate Moment is that it encompasses everything.  No matter what I’m doing, I’m always living in the immediate moment.  Do you get me?  Nothing else exists outside what is happening right now.  Whether I’m present or not present, it’s still happening right now.  Because we’re here on the ground getting scuffed and roughed up.  Effecting and Affecting others, never escaping the gravity of perception and feeling.

It’s still hard to describe…..

But the immediate moment happens to all of us.  And the main focal point of this fixation is the self.  We can’t escape the self.

I’m sounding crazy, I know.

Try looking at things from above.  The further up you go, the less things seem to matter down here.  Problems get smaller and smaller the further away you get.  And the higher you fly, the more distance you gain between yourself and the immediate moment.  You’re not “in” it anymore.  You stepped out.  Sort of like isolation, taking yourself out of harms way.

But once we’re down here on earth again, getting roughed up by people and life – we’re back in it.  Effected and Affected by everything and anything.  Living right here and now with emotions we wouldn’t have if we lived in a different era.

It’s all environmental is what I’m getting at.  We are a product of our environment, letting life control our every thought and perception.  We ride the wave and since we don’t realize it’s a wave we’re riding, we’re not in control of the direction its going.

Life is almost too immediate, you know?  Too “in your face”, we can never step back to see it.  We only see a shadow of it.  Like Plato’s cave allegory.

And the fact that we constantly need food, water, sleep, love, shelter, money, freedom, bathroom breaks – all of this keeps us steadily planted here in the immediate moment. We fight to obtain these items so we can never step away outside ourselves.

There was another mass shooting in Florida.  14 kids are dead.  I hate that people are blaming it on video games.

I can’t believe I’m going to write this but I’ve become somewhat desensitized to school shootings.  It’s not hitting me as hard as it did the first time it happened.  I’m just thankful it didn’t happen here in my home town.  I’m thankful it wasn’t anyone I knew.

Why is this happening?  There are a bunch of theories but I’ll tell you my own theory.  And yes, it has much to do with the Immediate Moment and its danger to society.

Think of the Immediate Moment as a large looming face whose eyes are gleaming into your own.  No matter how much you stumble back, you can never escape the face.  Those eyes, and all it see’s and seen are the same as your eyes and all that they see.

In the past, that face had different eyes.  School shootings weren’t a glint in them.  And since school shooting weren’t a glint back then, it didn’t happen.  Nobody even thought about it.

My theory is that it’s an endemic.  It’s like a viral disease that’s spreading across the US.  One sick individual broke the seal and uncovered the glint so now all the other sick individuals can see it too.

The face we’re all looking into isn’t getting uglier or scarier though.  It’s acquiring more and more possibilities being shown to us and it’s our responsibility to control what we do with these possibilities.

But we’re riding a wave so it’s hard to control.

As we evolve, and technology evolves with us, more and more possibilities and opportunities are shown to us.  All it takes is one individual to unveil certain glints so the rest of the world can also see the possibilities.

What was once impossible, is now possible.  What was once never thought of, people think about.

We are becoming more powerful.  The do-gooders are better equipped but they are up against better equipped villains as well.

There are less twisted souls in the world than ever before, but the ones who are still twisted have a better arsenal than their predecessors.

It is NOT video games.  It’s an endemic.  Once seen, it can not be unseen kind of thing.  It’s now stuck in peoples heads, like the first villain gave all the others permission (and fame) to follow.

This is something we’re going to have to deal with until a new glint is revealed to us and the eyes show us something different.

If you want to blame anything, blame the news for spreading the endemic.

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Lucid Dreaming

I just woke up from a lucid dream while laying on my PEMF mat.

I haven’t laid on this thing since it made me puke last week.

I wasn’t even tired today but as soon as I laid down, my eyes closed and I fell asleep within seconds.

I awoke sitting next to my friend Stephanie who proceeded in telling me that I was in her dimension and not my own.

I started asking her all these questions, stuff I don’t already know, and she diligently answered them and surprised me with her answers.  Unfortunately this dream was my first lucid dream in quite some time – my first ANY dream actually.  So I’m a bit out of practice in remembering what she said.

Steph:  “Do you want to watch E later?”

Me:  “E?!  Who the hell watches E?”

Steph:  “What time are you from again?  E!  It’s Neil Diamond’s special.”

Me – “Neil Diamond?  What’s so great about Neil Diamond?”

Steph – “How can you even ask me that?”

Then my old poodle that passed away 15 years ago jumped on my lap.

Me – “Oh my god, Spudz!  I missed you so much, you didn’t visit me in years!  How are you buddy, you doing alright?  Your fur is so soft and clean.”

I hugged and kissed him.

Then Julia Styles appeared.

Me – “Julia Styles?  What are you doing here?”

Julia – “Oh hey……..”

I forgot what she says but I went over to her and seeing that it was a dream and all, I started kissing her.  No tongue, just lips.  She had a small mouth and it was unfulfilling.

While I was making out with Julia Styles, I was transported away to another room where a man sat on the bottom half of a bunk bed.

Me – “Hey, who are you?”

Him – “I”m part of your team.  We’re looking for someone who just tried feeling up Julia Styles.”

Me thinking – I didn’t try feeling her up, what’s he talking about?

But then I jumped his bones too, but he disappeared on me before I got the chance.

All these people in my dream were teammates. We were a team of super hero’s.  We were superhero’s because we knew the world we lived in wasn’t real, we could control it.

At some point during the dream, my ex-boyfriend Dave showed up.  Dave wasn’t part of the superhero team, but he was there to help us.

I shouldn’t even be writing about this especially now that he’s married with a kid on the way, but once again, I jumped his bones.  I pulled his pants down and gave him a blowjob.

Me thinking – I can finally give him that deep throat he’s always wanted.

But no, even in my dreams I gag.  How is that even possible?!

Lucid dreams have the tendency of feeling more real than real.  Especially when it comes to sex.  Everything is heightened beyond your wildest expectations.  I’m not blowing smoke and you’d not believe me until you experience it yourself.  It’s the most mind-blowing sex you’d ever have in real life.

Julia Styles spotted a group of men dressed in black approaching the house we were hiding in.  They worked for the government and it was their job to kill superhero’s who might tilt the scale of power.

Julia Styles – “RUN!”

Since I knew it was a dream, I willed myself to fly upward into the ceiling.  It was hard to go through the wood of the ceiling, but I pulled myself through.  There were multiple floors in this house and I never seemed to reach the top.

Me – “Screw it, I’m going out the side.”

I flew out the side of the house and found myself floating in the universe.  I tumbled around at crazy speeds (but not out of body, it was still only a dream).  I floated through electric purple and blue storm universes which were my least favorite, and then I ended up on a planet completely made out of pixels.  It was a low-def video game from the 80’s.

Me thinking- Oh man, why are my dreams so outdated?  I can think up better graphics than this!”

I turned into Link from Zelda, only a female Link wearing a skirt instead of pants.  Zelda, I guess I was Zelda.  And I continued to fly around in a Minecraft-looking world, building castles and stuff as I floated above everything.

That’s the time I over-heated and woke up.  My PEMF mat was set to 5, it clearly states not to fall asleep with it set to 5.

I didn’t abuse the other controls though.  I didn’t give myself an overdose of PEMF, IONs, and PHOTONs like I did last week.

Damn, I gotta go to work.

it’s now the next day. Or possibly two days later, I don’t know.

I just reread what I wrote and what I want to know is why the hell am I so horny in lucid dreams? I’m NOT like that in real life. Nowhere near it, complete opposite. In fact, I just bought my first vibrator at a romance party and it’s not even the kind with the shaft and balls, it’s just a vibrating ring I can wear on my finger. Honestly I probably won’t even use it.

I’m going to Google horny lucid dreaming, hold on….

*********************

It’s now a lot of days later……too many days later.  Work has me all knotted up these days.  I’m posting this now or I’ll never post it.

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When Melanie Tosses The Cookies, She Likes to Write About It

I’ve been laying on my PEMF mat whenever I get home.

The PEMF, ION and Photon functions all have separate automatic shut-off’s, so after 20-minutes, I reset them all by turning them on again.

There’s a shut-off for a reason.

I taken a 2-hour nap the other day and when I woke up, my t-shirt was damp with sweat but I felt fantastic, like it was the best nap of my life.  That same night, I fell asleep on the PEMF mat with the heat setting set at 2 but before switching it to 2, it was set at 5 which meant that the mat was still super hot before I fell asleep on it.  Plus I’ve been resetting the controls as soon as they automatically shut off in order to get continuous doses of PEMF, IONs and Photons.

I woke up 2 hours later with severe acid reflux or heat stroke, I don’t really know.  All I know is that my stomach contents wanted out.  I didn’t feel nausea or stomach pain, just vomit in my mouth.

I also ate an entire gift basket before falling asleep so I literally tossed the cookies.  I don’t think it was the gift basket that made me throw up though.  It was just pretzels, chocolate, cookies and crackers.  Okay, maybe I ate too much.

My stomach was completely full, like my body had trouble digesting everything.  I think the PEMF made my body too alkaline.  I didn’t have enough stomach acids to digest the food.  Either that, or I overheated or overate.  It could’ve been a bunch of stuff that did it.

But the PEMF mat terrifies me now.  Yesterday was my day off from it.  I’m scared to use it.

It clearly states in the manual not to overdo it when you first get one.  I need to build up a tolerance for it first.  But I also think it’s all hog wash malarkey so I paid no heed.

I’ve been so tired and achy lately.  My ankles and right knee are starting to hurt again – Camino pain I haven’t felt in a while.

And infrared heat scares me!  It heats your body from the inside out.  Normally your body heats from the outside in, so this feels unnatural to me.  It feels like I’m roasting myself alive and don’t even know it.  And there’s hardly any scientific studies about infrared heat!  We don’t know if it’s safe!

I don’t like the mat.  No, I don’t like the mat.  There’s a small cult of mat lovers out there but I’m not one of them.  The heat feels really good though.  I can crank it up and my skin never gets hot or burns from it.  I keep turing the knob higher and higher.  It’s addicting!

When I was throwing up, my dad sat in the next room watching the news.  It was around midnight.  I was scared he’d hear me puke but the old man’s so deaf, he didn’t hear a damn thing.  And I puked so very hard.  When I emerged from the bathroom, he was still sitting in the same position with his back turned to me, never turning around.

I went to sleep around 11:30 last night and I woke up at 12:30 today.  I slept the whole time without waking or semi-waking.

Yesterday was the Super Bowl.  I normally go out every year for the Super Bowl but I stayed home yesterday.  Amy, Lisa, Jill, all wanted me to come over, but I was too tired.

My brain is not working today.  I have two clients later and then I’m meeting Amy for a drink.

Amy just texted me saying she’s not feeling well and probably won’t hang out tonight.  How weird!  I was just thinking about her!

I’m going to end up laying on the PEMF mat again later, after I get home.  I know it.

********************************

As far as my new business goes…..

I’m waiting to get my articles of organization.  It can take a few weeks.  After that, I can open up a business account and start putting money in it.

*******************************

I’ve been fantasizing about my science fiction book a lot lately.  The idea is clear and simple, but it still has a few kinks.

I’m one of those people who ask questions when watching stupid movies or reading stupid books.  Questions like, “why didn’t they just run out of the house?  Why stay and get slaughtered?”

It’s those kinds of questions that put a kink in my story because things happen in my story that don’t make sense!  But I’m learning it’s those same kinds of questions that add depth and twists.  I can have an idea and work backwards from it, answering all my questions along the way.

I’m also flip-flopping between actors that’ll play the lead role.  I flip from Leonardo DiCaprio, Chris Pratt, to Jennifer Lawrence.

I love picturing a male in the lead, but I also love movies where girls kick ass, so I’m stuck.  It’s a serious problem not knowing the gender of your lead character.  I like them both.  I want to see a girl who kicks ass, but I also love Chris Pratt’s quirks.

I’m so lame in real life that I don’t play a role in my own fantasies.

Maybe Chris Pratt can play the boyfriend and Leonardo can be the villain?  Or Jennifer Lawrence can play the villain….

I’ll think about it over my massages today.

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The Gentle Rumbling Rambles of a Babbling Blog

I’m laying on an $850 dollar PEMF mat made out of a bunch of small semi-precious stones.  27 pounds worth of semi-preciousness and 6 more pounds of technical equipment that I can’t begin to understand.

I feel like one of those rich people that buys shit just because they can.

Here’s the exact PEMF mat I bought

It’s the heating element that I don’t understand.  I can crank this baby up full blast, I think it get’s to be around 150 degree’s.  But when I place my hand on it, it only feels lukewarm to the touch.  However, when I lay my entire body on it…..holy shit that’s freaking hot!  I started to sweat my balls off and I don’t even have balls!

I felt the heat in my bones and in my blood.  My entire body covered in immense heat.  My pajama bottoms were getting damp and that never happens, not even when I work out.

I’ve been laying on this thing since I got home at 4:30 and now it’s 11:27.

Anyway, aside from this ridiculously expensive heat mat, I wanted to write about my new business again.  I want to calculate the absolute lowest amount of money I have to make a day in order to break even.

Let’s say rent is $500, internet is what?  $40?  Tracfones are crazy cheap but let’s say $60 a month for two of them.  And that’s it.  Those are my expenses.  $600 a month.  Now, how many clients do I need a day to reach $600 a month…..

600 divided by 30 days is $20 a day.  I need 3 45-minute birthday massages a day, or one 45-minute birthday massage and one 75-minute birthday massage a day, or one coupon client a day.

If I have one coupon client a day, that’s $38.75 a day X 30 days is $1162.50 minus $600 is $562.50.

When I run the numbers this way, things look a bit grim.  Shit.  It’s possible I won’t break even for at least 4 months, and instead, paying out my teeth for this new place.  I already spent over $1000 on it and it’s still the very beginning phase.

The current business I have now, we get a TON of the same people booking every month.  Today alone, we had 5 – would’ve been 6 but one cancelled.  The one that cancelled has been with me since day one at my first stink-hole office.

If I can get my new business to have these same numbers, well, I’d be stinking rich is what.

But the therapists I’m hiring aren’t me.  I hate to say it but I’m freaking special.  I really REALLY hate to say it.  And everybody would equally hate to hear me say it.  As soon as I say it, my specialness is gone and now I’m the opposite of special, but more like hated.  Hated in a special way.  Envy is probably the worst kind of hate.  It’s why wars are started!  All war!

Envy is equal to lack of power and when acting on this lack of power, destruction falls in your wake.  You may win and get to write the history books, but you’ll always be miserable because you’ll never be self-sufficient, but always dependent on someone or something.

Narcissists are the most envious people there are.  Take take need need.

I’m rambling.

Go on, hate me for thinking that I’m special.  I’d do it too.  I hate when people say that.  Mostly out of annoyance rather than envy.  Only two or three times did I feel the envy, that’s how I know about this.  I didn’t read about it, I experienced it.  Luckily the disease never latched.

When people talk highly of themselves (or even highly of their kids), it can breed envy.  Why anyone would wish to be envied is beyond my scope of understanding.  Where’s the love in that?

Part of my charm is that I act like a kid.  When I’m being myself, that’s how I act.  But not an immature kid or an emotionally inept person – I act inexperienced, but I’m happy about my inexperience because it means I can only get better and no matter how good I get, I’ll always think of myself as inexperienced.  I’ll always ask questions and respect others opinions and advice.

Come to think of it, my travel buddy, Hana, is the exact same way.  We acted like children together exploring foreign lands but somehow expertly navigated the whole trip by the seat of our pants.  It was fucking awesome.

My personality can best be described by this PEMF infrared heating mat.  I don’t emit heat, I’m cool to the touch, but my heat penetrates deeper than all those other heating mats.  It’s like I’m energy efficient or something.  I only expend myself when needed.  Perhaps this is the origin of my laziness?  I can’t be awesome if I’m not lazy?

God, I hate writing about myself like this.  I really do.  I’m not like that, you know me best, right?  It’s embarrassing is what it is.

But my point is…..I have about 40 clients still coming to my business, all of whom have known me since Massage by Melanie.  My other therapists?  Not even close.  Even after all this time.  Well, Mollie would be the closest.  Then Adonis.  But these clients don’t even get massages by me anymore, they come to my business simply because they like me.

Finding therapists that match my caliber are a rare find.  Trust me, I’ve worked at Massage Envy, known quite a few therapists in my day and very few of them match my caliber of having both skill and likability.

I know what people want.  That’s the trick.  To take myself out of the equation.  My therapist, Mollie, is an expert at this.  She’s not the smartest person I ever met, but she’s a genius at likability.  And now that you know my secret, there’s no need for the envy.

I’m freaking tired.  I’m going to finish watching Future Man on Hulu and hit the hay.

The saying “hit the hay” is literally older than mattresses.

Wow….I just googled the history of mattresses for the last 15-20 minutes.

Oh God I have problems.

 

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Filed under All about me, journal, random thoughts, work

Another Business Post

I don’t have a stupid heart condition, I have an addiction to my goddamned electric cigarette is what it is!  My heart always feels constricted at night, when I lay in bed and vape the most.  Duh Mel.  Duh.

I’m sitting at Cheshire Coffee trying to work on my new business website.  I can’t do it at home.  I tried for weeks now to do it at home but I end up playing my game all day, or going out to do other shit.

I had so much trouble getting here today.  I fell asleep around 1:30AM and woke up at 8AM to pee.  I fell right back to sleep and didn’t wake up until 12:30 in the afternoon.

And I can’t move when I do that.  I can’t get out of bed.  I vape and watch Netflix and if I start playing my game, that’s it.  The day disappears.  It’s all over.  If I’m feeling frisky, I order take-out at J Sushi.

But here I am at Cheshire Coffee.  I made it.

I need to make a To Do list for my new business.  If I don’t write one up, nothing gets done and I stay good and confused for weeks at a time in a too-much-sleep-induced coma.  Completely immobile.

So, here’s my list.  Everything I need to do in the order I need to do them:

  1. Finish my website
  2. File the articles of organization
  3. Obtain an EIN (I do not need to register for CT state tax due to no employee’s)
  4. Once I receive my papers, open a business checking account.
  5. Put $1500 in that checking account
  6. Buy surround sound stereo
  7. Buy Ipod
  8. Buy iPad and Square stand
  9. Find an office
  10. Buy two tracfones
  11. Finish website adding address and phone number, schedulicity and gift certificates
  12. Order business cards and Gift Certs
  13. Decorate the massage office
  14. Write up an employee handbook
  15. Hire independent contractors
  16. Email blast with birthday massage offer
  17. Cross your fingers and hope for the best

****************************

It’s now the next day.  The new website is pretty much done.  It looks immaculate, better than my last one.  I want to show off my new website to the world.  I’m so freaking proud of it, I can’t stop looking at it.

Truthfully, it was hard for me to choke down what I was selling in the beginning, but the more I researched and wrote about it, I somehow converted myself into a full-on believer.  I believe in what I’m selling.  I’m a fucking fanatic.  I’m not embellishing!  I fucking love what we’re about!

I also upped my prices and I’m adding in a 45 minute massage option.  Without the 45 minute option, it’s possible that my therapists will end up with a huge gap in their schedule because a 75 minute session wouldn’t be able to fit where a 45 minute session can.

A 75 minute massage is $90, with the loyalty coupon it will be $70.  This is still a very competitive price in my area.

A 45 minute massage is $54, with the loyalty coupon it will be $44.

I mulled over these numbers a lot and they make total sense.  Mathematically, they make sense – and it’s more sensible to offer 75 minutes and 45 minutes rather than the traditional 90 and 60.  I can fit more people in this way, get more bang for my buck, and the therapists will be happy they won’t have to give grueling 90 minute massages and the 45 minutes are easy money.

And the dollar amount of both massage options is divisible by 18 – my lucky number.  Perfect I say!  I just want to shout the word FUCK.  FUCKING PERFECT!

Down the road I’m thinking about keeping the business open on Mondays – Once we have clients rebooking and enough therapists to cover the extra day, why not stay open on Mondays?  I literally lose nothing.  The only reason to stay closed on Monday now is because we don’t have enough clients or therapists to fill a full 7 day work week.

But once we do have enough…..let’s run the numbers again.  This time, adding in the extra day and calculating the new price increase.

We can fit 6 75-minutes massages in one day.  If those 6 clients pay the coupon price of $70, the therapist gets $31.25 while I get $38.75.  I just want to point out that what I make is almost even with what the therapist makes.  This is how it should be at all massage businesses.

Okay, so $38.75 X 6 =$232.50 a day.

$232.50 X 7 days a week = $1627.50 a week

$1627.50 X 4 weeks a month = $6510 a month.

I mean holy fucking crap, right?  But that’s the absolute most I can make.  And in truth, I’m not going to hit anywhere near those kinds of numbers.  It’s next to impossible.

Plus I have the birthday massages to contend with…..

Let’s run the numbers if all I sell are 45 minute birthday massages…..

They take up an hour time slot and there are 12 hours in one work day.  45 minute birthday massages cost a mere $27.  $18.75 of that goes to the therapist, so that leaves me with $8.25.

$8.25 X 12 = $99 a day

$99 X 7 days a week = $693 a week

$693 X 4 weeks a month = $2772 a month

I tell you what, $2772 a month is a whole bunch of money.  Minus $500 for rent, that’s still $2272 a month.

I’m telling you, I’m a completely rational, logical person (most of the time) and according to me, no matter how I slice it, I still come up on top.  Now lets figure in if I had 6 of these businesses….beep boop beep…..$2272 X 6 = $13,632!

Shit ballz that’s a lot.

*******************************

I just got home from my pool league.  It’s my third week playing and it’s not the hassle I thought it would be.  I’m actually quite enjoying it.  Tonight I played my buddy, Mike, whom I haven’t seen in years.  It’s a complete coincidence that I played him.  I didn’t even know he played.

But I’ll leave my pool league adventures for another post.  For now I want to run the numbers again.  Boring, I know, but I’m obsessed.

I had a few beers……I’m watching season 3 of “The Path” on Netflix.  It’s a good show.  They base their entire religion off the teachings of ayahuasca but they don’t come right out and say it.  But I know.

Anyway, let’s project my income if I have only one birthday massage and one coupon massage a day.  Now, this projected income would be the absolute LOWEST it can go.  At no time, even in the beginning, would there be only 2 clients a day.  But let’s just see what it would look like….

One 45 minute birthday massage a day would be $8.25 and one 75 minute coupon massage would be $38.75.  That equals out to be $47 a day.

$47 X 7 = $329 a week

$329 X 4 weeks a month = $1316 a month.  Minus $500 for rent leaves me with $816 a month.

At no point in my calculations does this sound like a bad idea.  Do you see what I’m seeing?  Are we seeing the same thing?  Anyone who thinks this is a bad idea, or that I’m greedy or blinded by false optimism – they’re obviously not seeing what I’m seeing.

This is a very real, very doable business.  And all parties involved are happy.  Client is happy – they’re paying a competitive price for a service they can’t find anywhere else (this massage is very unique), my therapists will be happy because they can work whenever they want and not have to give the same monotonous massage 6 clients a day with little pay.  And I’ll be happy because, well, look at the numbers.

Seriously, every way I slice it, it’s the most perfect layout.  In all ways, perfect.

Shit, I’m tired.  I’m going to sleep very well tonight.  Only 12 more minutes of “The Path” and it’s lights out for me.

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Me, Myself and My Heart Condition

A few days ago I wrote about waking up in the middle of the night with a feeling that a diamond replaced my heart.

Yeah well, as it turns out – I think it’s a freaking heart condition!

The diamond lasted for about 3 days and went away after I slept for 12 hours.  I didn’t realize the diamond was a problem until it went away.

My heart takes the brunt of all my stress.  Whether I’m happy, sad or excited – my heart knows what I feel before I do.

All emotion is stress, even the good ones.

When the diamond went away, I couldn’t feel my heart anymore.  It went on pumping in quiet contemplation.  It feels healthier when I don’t know it’s there.  I’m not supposed to feel pangs in my chest or shortness of breath – these things are bad Melanie.  Bad!

I paid off that $5,000 of debt I gave to my lawyer.  I paid it off  sooner than expected, so now I’m squeaking by financially with fingers crossed that I make it.

I need to calm the fuck down.  Calm the fuck down girl.

I can feel the diamond creeping back in.  Like it knows I’m excited.  It’s excited that I’m writing this post!  I’m getting jolts by just typing this!

Okay, I need to change my thought process.  I need to think sleepy time tea.  Milk and honey.  Poppies, puddles, a rainbow reflection. Think sand and wind.

Think about the mantra from the movie, The Men Who Stare at Goats:

Mother Earth, you are my life support system.

As a soldier, I must drink your blue water, live inside your red clay and eat your green skin.

Help me to balance myself as you hold in balance the Earth, the sea and the space environments.

Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.

I pray my boots will always kiss your face and my footsteps match your heartbeat.

Carry my body through space and time.

You are my connection to the Universe and all that comes after.

I am yours and you are mine.

I salute you.

Calm the fuck down Melanie.  Calm the fuck down please.

Why is this happening?   Let’s think about it….My heart feels really dense and constricted….hmm.

I felt my heart unclench a bit as I read “Help me to open my heart, knowing the Universe will feed me.”

I think my newly found heart issue has to do with trust.  I’m scared everything will fall apart.  My heart is clenching like a fist in order to hang onto things.  Like, the minute I turn away and I’m no longer excited, everything will slip away.  I’ll lose focus, make mistakes, lose interest or hope.  My heart doesn’t trust anything that’s happening because it’s never known true happiness or freedom.  All it’s ever known is how to keep its head above water.

I subconsciously want to keep myself excited until my dreams match my reality, than I can relax.  The excitement is a placeholder of sorts.

I need to find a heart opening poem, hold on…

Ugh, it’s all sappy garbage about love.  I have too much love, that’s the problem!  I’m having heart issues because life is amazing and true freedom is obtainable.  But the real issue is that I don’t trust it.

This, I need to work on.  I’ll turn a possible heart condition into heart condition-ing!  You see what I did there?  I added an “ing” at the end.   I’m going to condition my heart into letting go and trusting the universe.  And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll live long enough to see flying cars and teleportation.

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18-9

Not many people know about 18-9.  They don’t know what it means, what it symbolizes.  I just learned about it myself today while googling “what is my destiny?”

I got bored and yes, I googled “what is my destiny.”

I’m playing Elder Scrolls online and they have a prognosticator robot that inputs your data into his system and makes calculable, yet accurate destiny profiles.

Me thinking – “That’s like Google!”

And that’s my story of why I googled “What is my destiny”.

I decided the first link that pops up would indicate my destiny.  But the first link that showed was just a stupid website about numerology.

Me – “I’m a huge idiot……but wait?  What if it’s my destiny to click on this numerology website?”

And so I clicked on it and learned about personal years.

I’ve never heard about personal year numbers before, not ever.  They are numbered 1-9 with one tricky year thrown in for good measure, and that would be personal year number 18-9.

Me thinking – “I fucking know I’m in an 18-9 year.  I don’t need to do the math, I just know it.”

I did the math anyway and yep, fucking 18-9.

2+1+4+2+0+1+8 = 18

You add your birthday month and birthday day to the current year and that’s where the 18 comes from.  In numerology they break the 18 down by adding it together to make the number 9.  But when the total adds up to 18, it’s “auspicious”.

Oh I’m sorry, is this boring you?  Well it should.  Unless you’re in an 18-9 year too.

Anyway, each year is numbered 1-9.  Not all 9 years are 18-9 years.

It’s a big deal because the number 18 is considered auspicious to many spiritual practices.  That’s the word they used, “auspicious”.

And guess what number keeps popping up in my life? 118!  I just wrote about it recently too.

Jews wear the number 18 around their necks for good luck and whenever they’re giving gifts, money in particular, they do it in increments of 18.

Ayahuasca said Hinduism and Judaism are the closest there is to truth….just sayin’.

When I was 21, I walked into a tattoo parlor looking to get inked.  I had absolutely no clue what I wanted or where I wanted it.  I walked in, turned to the first wall display of possible tattoos and picked the first thing I seen.

It means strength, but I didn’t even care what it meant.  I just liked the design.  I thought it’ll look cool on my arm.  Like a deer prancing through a meadow – elegant, sweeping, clean.

You want to know the symbol for 18 in Hebrew?

Pretty similar, ain’t it?  Well, okay, I’m grasping here.  But the Hebrews call the symbol Ch’ai and I love Chai latte!

18 is everywhere in my life is what I’m getting at….my tattoo was not the best example.

I’m going on Amazon to buy a freaking Ch’ai necklace.  Screw it.  I need to order stuff for work anyway.

So what’s in store for me in an 18-9 year?

I don’t really know.  I can’t find a straight answer.  They say year 9 is about letting go of old shit to make room for new shit.  It’s all about change.  And the number 18 means good luck, so….good changes?  They used the word “auspicious” after all.  That means success or something….I think.

Year 9 is usually the hardest for most people because we have trouble letting go.  We HATE change.  Ugh….change.

I’m not a believer in these things, but I love speculating about it.  And okay, I admit….the year profiles seem accurate.  The descriptions are accurate accounts of what transpired during those years of my life.

I’m a stupid schlep.  A stupid, spiritual schlep.

********************************

I conked out before 8:30PM last night.  I was wiped.  But I woke up at midnight with a hankering for lemonade and got myself a glass.  I couldn’t fall back to sleep until 6 in the morn.

Last night whist I drank my lemonade in the quiet of my room, my heart felt like a diamond.  Stupid, it’s stupid I know….But it felt like a solid thumping rock in my chest.

If I’m bi-polar, last night was a bi-polar high.

Me thinking – “I’ll never need cocaine, I feel fucking amazing right now.  Imagine me on cocaine right now!”

It’s just that I’m really excited about my new business venture.  I can’t sleep when I get excited.  I felt so profoundly happy, happier than I’ve ever felt.  And I captured the moment inside the diamond in my chest.  I can still feel it.

I can’t really explain it in regular words.

I was sad at first when I came back from my trip.  I was sad because I had so much shit to do and no real plan.  I was broke and being sued and just got done accumulating $3000 of credit card debt overseas.  I was in the shit house.  I was thinking it’ll take me years to be able to afford another trip like that.  Freaking years man.

But I turned that fear into action.  You know what i mean?  Actual action.  A plan.  And now I can’t contain myself.  No, it won’t take years to take another trip like that.

I’m in love with traveling.  I’m in love, infatuated, with life.  And to me, life means getting out there.  Adventuring.  Exploring.  Meeting new people.  Learning the wily ways of the universe.  That’s life to me.  The best kind of.

Shit, I’m transfixing aren’t I?  I hate it when I do that.  I can feel the diamond in my chest getting denser.  Like it’s full of caffeine or something.

I better start tuning down now or I’ll be up all night again.  Having piss-poor sleeping habits is just as bad as full blown insomnia.

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Sound Alchemy

That’s the name of my new business, Sound Alchemy.  Sounds cool, right?

There’s a place in Wallingford that sells all organic vegan food called Pure Alchemy and that’s where I got the idea from.  Pure Alchemy sounds like a cafe I’d like to own but they beat me to the punch.

I always loved the word Alchemy.

I’ll be incorporating sound therapy into my massage sessions.  There’s quite a big following for it but nobody here in CT practices it.

I ordered my chakra tuning forks and an 8 inch singing bowl from Amazon.  I set up my new business website and email address.

When I was in massage school my friend, Matt, brought in his singing bowls.  He had us lay down with our eyes closed and the lights off and he played them for us.

Now, I’m a very skeptical person.  I don’t believe in new-age stuff like crystal healing, reiki, psychics..etc.  It all screams bullshit to my ears.  But when I was laying down listening to Matt play those bowls, my whole body felt it.  That’s all I know.  Is that I felt it and I liked it.

I don’t have to believe in chakra balancing or vibrational healing frequencies in order to enjoy it.  My brain felt drugged and my body limp – it was awesome and I didn’t want him to stop.

I still think it’s bullshit, but that doesn’t matter.

Sound Alchemy.  Oh god it’s so perfect!  I’m deeply in love with the name.  I even acquired a legit .com address and not one of those pansy-ass .net’s or .org’s.  No, I’m a  dot com’er baby.  My new business email is even svelte.

Everything is fitting so perfectly in order like it already exists in the world just for me.  I’m merely reliving the memories of putting it all together.  It’s already there.

I’m not even thinking that hard.  I’m actually really hungover today.

My website domain is set up, but I still need to write it up and add pictures.  I went with a free WordPress site and the default set-up they have is perfect.  It looks polished and professional.  I don’t need to do a damn thing with it except write in the spaces they tell me to write in.

I’ll do that tomorrow.  Maybe at Cheshire Coffee where I won’t be distracted with Netflix and games.

I’ll need to make some big purchases soon if I want to get this place up and running quickly.

What I need:

Surround sound stereo

iPod

Massage table, fleece, memory foam, face cradle

Cabinet (I already have an extra one I don’t use at work)

Chair for client

Stool for therapist

Small desk

iPad and Square swiper iPad stand

2 Samsung tracfones

Solfeggio wind chimes

Floor fan

Tapestries and pier one art deco

Safe with a slot for envelopes

Foot scrub and dispenser bottle

A bench for storage

Pillows for pregnancy massage

I may or may not need a room divider

And my biggest purchase; a PEMF mat.

PEMF stands for Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy.  It sounds like more new-age bullshit to me, but Doctor Oz gave it street cred and a lot of people seem to like it.

The mat costs $1000.  Is it worth it?  I highly doubt it.  It can very well be a scam.  A new-age snake oil.   But supposedly it’s what they use on race horses, olympic athletes, and NASA uses it in space so the astronauts don’t get sick.

It’s FDA approved and all the devices out there got really good reviews.  I searched for it on the skeptic and scam forums and there were more people praising it than there were skeptics bashing it.

So……I want one.  I want one right now.  And I want my Mother to test it out.  She’d know better than anyone if the damn thing actually works.

$1000 freaking dollars.  Hot damn.  Hot damn it to shit hell fuck.

But it’s another reason for people to choose Sound Alchemy rather than the other guy.  We got the good shit man.  Crap you want to try but can’t buy.

Anyway, I’m hungry.  It’s 11PM, my parents are at the casino, I’m home alone watching The Colony on Netflix.  I haven’t played my game in two days.

Maybe I’m not addicted to my game after all?  Some days I feel the need to play it.  I can’t help myself and I need it.  But other days I’m fine and only play it to pass the time when I have nothing to do.

Or maybe my new addiction is getting this new business up and running?  I don’t know.

I really want this PEMF mat dammit.  I need more money.

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My New Business Plan. Don’t read it, it’s pretty boring

I wrote out a business plan when I first opened up shop.  I somehow accomplished all the phases of my business plan after years of struggle.  I did everything that I set out to do.  And now here I am with a well maintained business that needs little support from me.

But I might lose it all.  Every scrap I slaved away for, gone.  All because of a few photo’s.

But I been through the depression already.  I’ve been through several of them.  Just when I think I’m out of it, I slip right back in like an old scruffy sock with a hole in its toe.

The one thing that gets me out of depression is to have a PLAN.

P:  Perpetually

L:  Learning

A:  Alternate

N:  New ways to make money

The hardest thing about depression (I’m talking about the type of depression brought on by circumstance) is having to accept change.  It’s the hardest thing.  You’re depressed because something in your life that you rely on, is no longer there.  But I don’t like to use the word “loss”.  I like the word “change” better.

I hate the word loss because nothing can replace a “loss”.  The thing is gone, can’t be replaced.  Your life will suck now.  But if you use the word “change”, you’re not suffering any loss with change.  Things are changing and that’s all.  But you can only change if you have something to change in to.

In other words, you need a backup plan.

The only way out of depression is to accept change.  There’s no other way.  Don’t bother with hope. Hope leads to dwelling and anyone who’s been depressed before can tell you that dwelling is the root of all evil.  You have to let it go.

I accepted the fact that I might lose my business.  I accepted it a long time ago, but depression still hit me a few times after the fact.  I may have accepted the loss, but I didn’t have a plan to fall back on when shit hit the fan.

I was stuck with having that phrase “What am I going to do?” looping in my head.

Luckily, I found my back-up plan.  I have a new comprehensive business plan all laid out and get this, if this plan actually works, I’ll make more money than I do now.  Not only will I make more money, but there will be less stress and less over-all work on my part.

It’s feasible, it’s rational, it’s irrefutable.  A part of me wants to completely make the switch over to my new plan and sell my current business – that’s how good this plan is.

My biggest hurdle right now is funding.  First I need to pay off that $5,000 I gave to my lawer yesterday.  The question is, how much time do I have?  Do I have time to pay off that $5,000 and then save up for the new biz?  Or will I lose the business before then?

I have other worries too….like my clients.  The one’s who bought gift certificates.  I’m planning on my brothers help for that.  His spa will accept my gift certificates and I’ll pay his therapists at cost to massage those clients.

And as for my employee’s, if they want to stick with me, I’ll hire them at my new place.  Or my brother will hire them.  Either way, I’ll take care of them.  Even my office manager will still have a job.

But my absolute big-time worries are my Groupon customers.  You see, in order for me to pay back that $5000 I spent on my lawyer, I need to sell Groupons.  The question is, will I lose the business before or after all those Groupons expire?  And since Groupon is such a big part of our business, I can’t burn bridges with these people.  I can’t lose their trust.

Plus, bankrupting a business is no cheap task.  Luckily my business insurance will cover a bankruptcy lawyer, but I’ll need to have other income coming in not associated with the bankrupted business.  So I can continue paying my therapists and the rest of my bills for at least a month.  Money going out, nothing coming in.

The best way to avoid all these problems is to open my new business as soon as possible.  That’s the only way.

What’s my new business?  I’m going to rent one office – just one room in an office building and hire independent contractors to massage clients.

This is where I started out, just me in a little ol’ office massaging people, but this time around will be much different.

The massage I’ll be offering will be different.  It’ll be like no other massage seen here in Connecticut.  The fist of its kind; SOUND THERAPY MASSAGE

I have the logistics of it.  I researched what I need.  Sound bowls and tuning forks, and Amazon sells special wind chimes called Sacred Solfeggio that I’ll implement somehow.  I may even look into acquiring a PEMF mat for added effect.

Each massage will be 75 minutes long and include a foot scrub.  And Hana introduced me to a disposable eye mask that smells like lavender and heats up when exposed to air.  I bought 90 of them for a dollar each.  I’m trying not to use them on myself.  They are fantastic!

Each massage will be 75 minutes long.  No more, no less, and will include sound therapy and the foot scrub and eye mask all for $90.  It sounds expensive, but nobody pays full price for anything these days.  If clients book once a month with us, they’ll save $25 per session which brings the price down to $65 – the price of a massage envy membership.

My independent contractors get paid $25 an hour, so for $75 minutes that’s $31.25 a massage.  $65 – $31.25 = $33.75 for me.

I can fit 6 clients in a day.  From 9am to 8pm, that’s 12 hours.  Each client will need a 90-minute time slot, so 6 clients.  6 X $33.75 = $202.5 per day.  $202.5 X 6 days a week = $1215 X 4 weeks a month is $4860.

But that’s the cap unless you count gift certificate sales.  The most money I can possibly make is $4860 in one month – the absolute most.  But I’ll more likely make $1000.

I have roughly 5,000 emails in my database.  Each of those people get an automatic email sent to them on their birthday for a half off massage.  We are basically the birthday massage clinic – we get tons of them.  $90 / 2 = $45 – $31.25 = $13.75 for me.  $13.75 X 6 (clients) = $82.50 X 6 (days) = $495 X 4 (weeks) = $1980 a month.

$1980 would be a really good month.  But then lets factor in Groupon clients.  I may or may not utilize their service.  I do have over 5,000 emails in my database and with such limited space (we’re only going to have one room and one therapist at a time), I might not need Groupon at all.  Maybe in the beginning, but we’ll see.  I’ll break even with Groupon.  Maybe I can finagle a couple extra dollars from them, but otherwise I’ll just about be breaking even.

So that brings my total down to about $1000 a month and that’s if I’m lucky.  Take $500 for rent, and I’m left with $500 when all said and done.

Once the business is stabilized, I project my net income to be roughly $1500 a month.

But it doesn’t end there……

I’ll have multiple locations!  Now that’s when things get interesting.  What if I had 6 locations?  All making the barest net income of $500 a month?  $500 X 6 = $3,000 a month for Melanie.

As for the little bills…..

The therapists will be in charge of linen and lotion.  They buy that shit, not me.  They wash that shit too.  If they have 3 clients a day, that’s $93.75 and if they all leave $10 each, that’s $123.75 a day X 6 days a week, $742.50 a week.  That’s great money for a job they can come and go as they please and make their own hours.

I’ll use Google voice and buy a tracfone for the business.  One phone number for multiple devices all done through one app.  I tried it today and it works perfectly.  I can answer all the calls remotely even while the therapists still have access to the same number and can make calls with the tracfone.

I’ll buy an iPad and use the Square swiper for payments.  It’s the poor mans POS system and it looks damn sharp.

Schedulicity for online booking and payments.  It’ll be $35 a month for the price of Schedulicity and its compatible with Square.

Yes….I have it all mapped out.  All of it.

As for the independent contractors, I can’t tell them when to work.  I can’t legally tell them what their schedule should be.  So I’m leaving it as first come first serve.  Whoever puts hours in first, gets those hours.  I’ll hire more independent contractors if I see gaps in the schedule but that means everyone has to compete with each other to see who can nab the hours fastest.

I’ll pay my therapists weekly using my Bank of America app that lets me transfer money to friends.  Or I’ll use a different app, I don’t know.  I haven’t figured that one out yet.

Monday we’ll be closed.  Mondays will be the day of the week I go to work.  I can picture myself driving to all 6 locations in one day just picking up money as I go.  Like picking flowers in a green pasture.  I’ll pick up money and client intake forms so I can plug in their email addresses and expand my reach further.

Money Monday is what I’ll call it.  Happy Money Monday day.  And even if I do only make $3000 a month, that’s not a bad living.

There, I told you all my secrets.  If you tried to do it yourself, it probably wouldn’t work unless you’re willing to massage a few of those people yourself.  But I have those 5,000 emails (and birthdays) so I have a bit of a leg up.

Now I just need to calculate how much money I need in order to start it all up….

2018 will be the start of something beautiful.  I know it.  I’m only 12 days into it and I’m already feeling good about this year.

 

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