Not many people know about 18-9.  They don’t know what it means, what it symbolizes.  I just learned about it myself today while googling “what is my destiny?”

I got bored and yes, I googled “what is my destiny.”

I’m playing Elder Scrolls online and they have a prognosticator robot that inputs your data into his system and makes calculable, yet accurate destiny profiles.

Me thinking – “That’s like Google!”

And that’s my story of why I googled “What is my destiny”.

I decided the first link that pops up would indicate my destiny.  But the first link that showed was just a stupid website about numerology.

Me – “I’m a huge idiot……but wait?  What if it’s my destiny to click on this numerology website?”

And so I clicked on it and learned about personal years.

I’ve never heard about personal year numbers before, not ever.  They are numbered 1-9 with one tricky year thrown in for good measure, and that would be personal year number 18-9.

Me thinking – “I fucking know I’m in an 18-9 year.  I don’t need to do the math, I just know it.”

I did the math anyway and yep, fucking 18-9.

2+1+4+2+0+1+8 = 18

You add your birthday month and birthday day to the current year and that’s where the 18 comes from.  In numerology they break the 18 down by adding it together to make the number 9.  But when the total adds up to 18, it’s “auspicious”.

Oh I’m sorry, is this boring you?  Well it should.  Unless you’re in an 18-9 year too.

Anyway, each year is numbered 1-9.  Not all 9 years are 18-9 years.

It’s a big deal because the number 18 is considered auspicious to many spiritual practices.  That’s the word they used, “auspicious”.

And guess what number keeps popping up in my life? 118!  I just wrote about it recently too.

Jews wear the number 18 around their necks for good luck and whenever they’re giving gifts, money in particular, they do it in increments of 18.

Ayahuasca said Hinduism and Judaism are the closest there is to truth….just sayin’.

When I was 21, I walked into a tattoo parlor looking to get inked.  I had absolutely no clue what I wanted or where I wanted it.  I walked in, turned to the first wall display of possible tattoos and picked the first thing I seen.

It means strength, but I didn’t even care what it meant.  I just liked the design.  I thought it’ll look cool on my arm.  Like a deer prancing through a meadow – elegant, sweeping, clean.

You want to know the symbol for 18 in Hebrew?

Pretty similar, ain’t it?  Well, okay, I’m grasping here.  But the Hebrews call the symbol Ch’ai and I love Chai latte!

18 is everywhere in my life is what I’m getting at….my tattoo was not the best example.

I’m going on Amazon to buy a freaking Ch’ai necklace.  Screw it.  I need to order stuff for work anyway.

So what’s in store for me in an 18-9 year?

I don’t really know.  I can’t find a straight answer.  They say year 9 is about letting go of old shit to make room for new shit.  It’s all about change.  And the number 18 means good luck, so….good changes?  They used the word “auspicious” after all.  That means success or something….I think.

Year 9 is usually the hardest for most people because we have trouble letting go.  We HATE change.  Ugh….change.

I’m not a believer in these things, but I love speculating about it.  And okay, I admit….the year profiles seem accurate.  The descriptions are accurate accounts of what transpired during those years of my life.

I’m a stupid schlep.  A stupid, spiritual schlep.


I conked out before 8:30PM last night.  I was wiped.  But I woke up at midnight with a hankering for lemonade and got myself a glass.  I couldn’t fall back to sleep until 6 in the morn.

Last night whist I drank my lemonade in the quiet of my room, my heart felt like a diamond.  Stupid, it’s stupid I know….But it felt like a solid thumping rock in my chest.

If I’m bi-polar, last night was a bi-polar high.

Me thinking – “I’ll never need cocaine, I feel fucking amazing right now.  Imagine me on cocaine right now!”

It’s just that I’m really excited about my new business venture.  I can’t sleep when I get excited.  I felt so profoundly happy, happier than I’ve ever felt.  And I captured the moment inside the diamond in my chest.  I can still feel it.

I can’t really explain it in regular words.

I was sad at first when I came back from my trip.  I was sad because I had so much shit to do and no real plan.  I was broke and being sued and just got done accumulating $3000 of credit card debt overseas.  I was in the shit house.  I was thinking it’ll take me years to be able to afford another trip like that.  Freaking years man.

But I turned that fear into action.  You know what i mean?  Actual action.  A plan.  And now I can’t contain myself.  No, it won’t take years to take another trip like that.

I’m in love with traveling.  I’m in love, infatuated, with life.  And to me, life means getting out there.  Adventuring.  Exploring.  Meeting new people.  Learning the wily ways of the universe.  That’s life to me.  The best kind of.

Shit, I’m transfixing aren’t I?  I hate it when I do that.  I can feel the diamond in my chest getting denser.  Like it’s full of caffeine or something.

I better start tuning down now or I’ll be up all night again.  Having piss-poor sleeping habits is just as bad as full blown insomnia.

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Sound Alchemy

That’s the name of my new business, Sound Alchemy.  Sounds cool, right?

There’s a place in Wallingford that sells all organic vegan food called Pure Alchemy and that’s where I got the idea from.  Pure Alchemy sounds like a cafe I’d like to own but they beat me to the punch.

I always loved the word Alchemy.

I’ll be incorporating sound therapy into my massage sessions.  There’s quite a big following for it but nobody here in CT practices it.

I ordered my chakra tuning forks and an 8 inch singing bowl from Amazon.  I set up my new business website and email address.

When I was in massage school my friend, Matt, brought in his singing bowls.  He had us lay down with our eyes closed and the lights off and he played them for us.

Now, I’m a very skeptical person.  I don’t believe in new-age stuff like crystal healing, reiki, psychics..etc.  It all screams bullshit to my ears.  But when I was laying down listening to Matt play those bowls, my whole body felt it.  That’s all I know.  Is that I felt it and I liked it.

I don’t have to believe in chakra balancing or vibrational healing frequencies in order to enjoy it.  My brain felt drugged and my body limp – it was awesome and I didn’t want him to stop.

I still think it’s bullshit, but that doesn’t matter.

Sound Alchemy.  Oh god it’s so perfect!  I’m deeply in love with the name.  I even acquired a legit .com address and not one of those pansy-ass .net’s or .org’s.  No, I’m a  dot com’er baby.  My new business email is even svelte.

Everything is fitting so perfectly in order like it already exists in the world just for me.  I’m merely reliving the memories of putting it all together.  It’s already there.

I’m not even thinking that hard.  I’m actually really hungover today.

My website domain is set up, but I still need to write it up and add pictures.  I went with a free WordPress site and the default set-up they have is perfect.  It looks polished and professional.  I don’t need to do a damn thing with it except write in the spaces they tell me to write in.

I’ll do that tomorrow.  Maybe at Cheshire Coffee where I won’t be distracted with Netflix and games.

I’ll need to make some big purchases soon if I want to get this place up and running quickly.

What I need:

Surround sound stereo


Massage table, fleece, memory foam, face cradle

Cabinet (I already have an extra one I don’t use at work)

Chair for client

Stool for therapist

Small desk

iPad and Square swiper iPad stand

2 Samsung tracfones

Solfeggio wind chimes

Floor fan

Tapestries and pier one art deco

Safe with a slot for envelopes

Foot scrub and dispenser bottle

A bench for storage

Pillows for pregnancy massage

I may or may not need a room divider

And my biggest purchase; a PEMF mat.

PEMF stands for Pulsed Electromagnetic Field Therapy.  It sounds like more new-age bullshit to me, but Doctor Oz gave it street cred and a lot of people seem to like it.

The mat costs $1000.  Is it worth it?  I highly doubt it.  It can very well be a scam.  A new-age snake oil.   But supposedly it’s what they use on race horses, olympic athletes, and NASA uses it in space so the astronauts don’t get sick.

It’s FDA approved and all the devices out there got really good reviews.  I searched for it on the skeptic and scam forums and there were more people praising it than there were skeptics bashing it.

So……I want one.  I want one right now.  And I want my Mother to test it out.  She’d know better than anyone if the damn thing actually works.

$1000 freaking dollars.  Hot damn.  Hot damn it to shit hell fuck.

But it’s another reason for people to choose Sound Alchemy rather than the other guy.  We got the good shit man.  Crap you want to try but can’t buy.

Anyway, I’m hungry.  It’s 11PM, my parents are at the casino, I’m home alone watching The Colony on Netflix.  I haven’t played my game in two days.

Maybe I’m not addicted to my game after all?  Some days I feel the need to play it.  I can’t help myself and I need it.  But other days I’m fine and only play it to pass the time when I have nothing to do.

Or maybe my new addiction is getting this new business up and running?  I don’t know.

I really want this PEMF mat dammit.  I need more money.

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My New Business Plan. Don’t read it, it’s pretty boring

I wrote out a business plan when I first opened up shop.  I somehow accomplished all the phases of my business plan after years of struggle.  I did everything that I set out to do.  And now here I am with a well maintained business that needs little support from me.

But I might lose it all.  Every scrap I slaved away for, gone.  All because of a few photo’s.

But I been through the depression already.  I’ve been through several of them.  Just when I think I’m out of it, I slip right back in like an old scruffy sock with a hole in its toe.

The one thing that gets me out of depression is to have a PLAN.

P:  Perpetually

L:  Learning

A:  Alternate

N:  New ways to make money

The hardest thing about depression (I’m talking about the type of depression brought on by circumstance) is having to accept change.  It’s the hardest thing.  You’re depressed because something in your life that you rely on, is no longer there.  But I don’t like to use the word “loss”.  I like the word “change” better.

I hate the word loss because nothing can replace a “loss”.  The thing is gone, can’t be replaced.  Your life will suck now.  But if you use the word “change”, you’re not suffering any loss with change.  Things are changing and that’s all.  But you can only change if you have something to change in to.

In other words, you need a backup plan.

The only way out of depression is to accept change.  There’s no other way.  Don’t bother with hope. Hope leads to dwelling and anyone who’s been depressed before can tell you that dwelling is the root of all evil.  You have to let it go.

I accepted the fact that I might lose my business.  I accepted it a long time ago, but depression still hit me a few times after the fact.  I may have accepted the loss, but I didn’t have a plan to fall back on when shit hit the fan.

I was stuck with having that phrase “What am I going to do?” looping in my head.

Luckily, I found my back-up plan.  I have a new comprehensive business plan all laid out and get this, if this plan actually works, I’ll make more money than I do now.  Not only will I make more money, but there will be less stress and less over-all work on my part.

It’s feasible, it’s rational, it’s irrefutable.  A part of me wants to completely make the switch over to my new plan and sell my current business – that’s how good this plan is.

My biggest hurdle right now is funding.  First I need to pay off that $5,000 I gave to my lawer yesterday.  The question is, how much time do I have?  Do I have time to pay off that $5,000 and then save up for the new biz?  Or will I lose the business before then?

I have other worries too….like my clients.  The one’s who bought gift certificates.  I’m planning on my brothers help for that.  His spa will accept my gift certificates and I’ll pay his therapists at cost to massage those clients.

And as for my employee’s, if they want to stick with me, I’ll hire them at my new place.  Or my brother will hire them.  Either way, I’ll take care of them.  Even my office manager will still have a job.

But my absolute big-time worries are my Groupon customers.  You see, in order for me to pay back that $5000 I spent on my lawyer, I need to sell Groupons.  The question is, will I lose the business before or after all those Groupons expire?  And since Groupon is such a big part of our business, I can’t burn bridges with these people.  I can’t lose their trust.

Plus, bankrupting a business is no cheap task.  Luckily my business insurance will cover a bankruptcy lawyer, but I’ll need to have other income coming in not associated with the bankrupted business.  So I can continue paying my therapists and the rest of my bills for at least a month.  Money going out, nothing coming in.

The best way to avoid all these problems is to open my new business as soon as possible.  That’s the only way.

What’s my new business?  I’m going to rent one office – just one room in an office building and hire independent contractors to massage clients.

This is where I started out, just me in a little ol’ office massaging people, but this time around will be much different.

The massage I’ll be offering will be different.  It’ll be like no other massage seen here in Connecticut.  The fist of its kind; SOUND THERAPY MASSAGE

I have the logistics of it.  I researched what I need.  Sound bowls and tuning forks, and Amazon sells special wind chimes called Sacred Solfeggio that I’ll implement somehow.  I may even look into acquiring a PEMF mat for added effect.

Each massage will be 75 minutes long and include a foot scrub.  And Hana introduced me to a disposable eye mask that smells like lavender and heats up when exposed to air.  I bought 90 of them for a dollar each.  I’m trying not to use them on myself.  They are fantastic!

Each massage will be 75 minutes long.  No more, no less, and will include sound therapy and the foot scrub and eye mask all for $90.  It sounds expensive, but nobody pays full price for anything these days.  If clients book once a month with us, they’ll save $25 per session which brings the price down to $65 – the price of a massage envy membership.

My independent contractors get paid $25 an hour, so for $75 minutes that’s $31.25 a massage.  $65 – $31.25 = $33.75 for me.

I can fit 6 clients in a day.  From 9am to 8pm, that’s 12 hours.  Each client will need a 90-minute time slot, so 6 clients.  6 X $33.75 = $202.5 per day.  $202.5 X 6 days a week = $1215 X 4 weeks a month is $4860.

But that’s the cap unless you count gift certificate sales.  The most money I can possibly make is $4860 in one month – the absolute most.  But I’ll more likely make $1000.

I have roughly 5,000 emails in my database.  Each of those people get an automatic email sent to them on their birthday for a half off massage.  We are basically the birthday massage clinic – we get tons of them.  $90 / 2 = $45 – $31.25 = $13.75 for me.  $13.75 X 6 (clients) = $82.50 X 6 (days) = $495 X 4 (weeks) = $1980 a month.

$1980 would be a really good month.  But then lets factor in Groupon clients.  I may or may not utilize their service.  I do have over 5,000 emails in my database and with such limited space (we’re only going to have one room and one therapist at a time), I might not need Groupon at all.  Maybe in the beginning, but we’ll see.  I’ll break even with Groupon.  Maybe I can finagle a couple extra dollars from them, but otherwise I’ll just about be breaking even.

So that brings my total down to about $1000 a month and that’s if I’m lucky.  Take $500 for rent, and I’m left with $500 when all said and done.

Once the business is stabilized, I project my net income to be roughly $1500 a month.

But it doesn’t end there……

I’ll have multiple locations!  Now that’s when things get interesting.  What if I had 6 locations?  All making the barest net income of $500 a month?  $500 X 6 = $3,000 a month for Melanie.

As for the little bills…..

The therapists will be in charge of linen and lotion.  They buy that shit, not me.  They wash that shit too.  If they have 3 clients a day, that’s $93.75 and if they all leave $10 each, that’s $123.75 a day X 6 days a week, $742.50 a week.  That’s great money for a job they can come and go as they please and make their own hours.

I’ll use Google voice and buy a tracfone for the business.  One phone number for multiple devices all done through one app.  I tried it today and it works perfectly.  I can answer all the calls remotely even while the therapists still have access to the same number and can make calls with the tracfone.

I’ll buy an iPad and use the Square swiper for payments.  It’s the poor mans POS system and it looks damn sharp.

Schedulicity for online booking and payments.  It’ll be $35 a month for the price of Schedulicity and its compatible with Square.

Yes….I have it all mapped out.  All of it.

As for the independent contractors, I can’t tell them when to work.  I can’t legally tell them what their schedule should be.  So I’m leaving it as first come first serve.  Whoever puts hours in first, gets those hours.  I’ll hire more independent contractors if I see gaps in the schedule but that means everyone has to compete with each other to see who can nab the hours fastest.

I’ll pay my therapists weekly using my Bank of America app that lets me transfer money to friends.  Or I’ll use a different app, I don’t know.  I haven’t figured that one out yet.

Monday we’ll be closed.  Mondays will be the day of the week I go to work.  I can picture myself driving to all 6 locations in one day just picking up money as I go.  Like picking flowers in a green pasture.  I’ll pick up money and client intake forms so I can plug in their email addresses and expand my reach further.

Money Monday is what I’ll call it.  Happy Money Monday day.  And even if I do only make $3000 a month, that’s not a bad living.

There, I told you all my secrets.  If you tried to do it yourself, it probably wouldn’t work unless you’re willing to massage a few of those people yourself.  But I have those 5,000 emails (and birthdays) so I have a bit of a leg up.

Now I just need to calculate how much money I need in order to start it all up….

2018 will be the start of something beautiful.  I know it.  I’m only 12 days into it and I’m already feeling good about this year.


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I wrote a post years ago about the significance of the number 118 and how it crops up everywhere in my life.  Well, today my great nephew was born and I topped off my lawyer’s retainer.  Five mother fucking thousand dollars.

And I got hit with an audit.  Not a bad thing, just my insurance company asking questions and wanting me to plug numbers into an online form.  Complete pain in my ass.  They’re also asking for proof of insurance for all my independent contractors, which I have, but I need to go to work to xerox and attach them.  Plus I don’t have my 941 forms for all the quarters, which I’m waiting on from my book-keeper.  This is all due tomorrow or they will cancel my insurance policy.

I don’t like to open mail.  I open mail once every 5 or so weeks and most of it goes in the trash.  I think it’s stupid, I hate it, and I have better things to do.  Nobody owns me.

Mail makes me an angry person.  Mail makes Mel mad.

But yeah, my little nephew was born today.  My Great Nephew I should say.  The biggest baby of our family and my little Ecuadorian niece of 18 gave birth to him.  Well, she wanted to push him out the good ol’ fashion way but the baby was too big so they had to go with the C-section.  She was in labor for 40 hours with the hope of pushing him out.  She’s a stubborn bastard.

He’s a perfect baby.  His head is in the shape of a cone because he was down there in the canal for so long, but it’ll round out eventually.

I should xerox those damn insurance cards.

I’m freaking stressed again over this lawsuit.  I don’t want to do anything, talk to anyone, see anyone…etc.  I just want to get through this.

I’m hoping to pay off the $5,000 by either February 5th, or 18th.  It needs get paid ASAP.  Once that’s done, I can relax a little.

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I paid off $3000 of debt today

I’m approaching my 8 year anniversary of my blog.  I’ve been writing this shit for 8 freaking years.

I was 29 when I wrote my first post.  Now, when I look back on it, I was so young.  I could still do pushups and kicks.  I didn’t realize how young I was back then.

I wrote differently too.  I wrote more details about my everyday life than I do now.  I wrote about what I did, what funny things people say or do.

I looked for things to write about.  All I ever thought about was my blog.  And now?  I just don’t give a shit anymore.

Now it’s like I’m a whole other person.  What do they say?  Every seven years all your atoms are replaced?

So that means there’s not one speck of the old Melanie remaining from that first post written 8 years ago.  Not one molecule.  Not one iota.  Nada.  I’m disintegrated, vanquished, blown apart torn limb from limb.

But I’m still wearing the same underwear.

How does the human body keep replacing its useless old parts, but underwear stays the same?  And how can 140 pounds of Melanie diminish into thin air over the course of 7 years?  I shit myself out of my own body?  Do I implode myself?

I’m trying to think about what I did today to tell you about.  So I can write like I did in my old posts.  The posts that were actually entertaining.

There’s more work involved with this manner of writing.  It’s a bigger process to write about what I did rather than just tell you my thoughts and feelings.  Thoughts and feelings are easier.

What did I do today?

Let me just say that I wrote a lot back then.  I wrote every time I went on break.  So of course I’d run out of thoughts and idea’s to write about – I had nothing else to write about except for my everyday life.  Perhaps that’s the reason my posts suck so much now?  I stopped writing as much?

Okay, so today….let me think….

I kind of just want to play my video game right now.  I’m sorta hungry too which is weird since I ate two street taco’s and an ahi tuna salad and drank 2 beers and a moscow mule.

But whatever…..

So what did I do today?  Nothing that really stands out honestly.

I woke up at around 10:30AM, played my game until I had to leave for work at 3PM.  Once at work, Adonis and Jill were chitchatting, about what?  I forgot.  I was engrossed in my own world saying what a beautiful day it was.

I specifically remember trying to listen to them talk and my thoughts were literally; “I don’t care what they’re talking about.  This is boring.  I’m being sued.  Where’s my phone.”

I massaged my client.  It was a couples massage.  I’m only selling Signature couples massages on Groupon as a way to make extra money and I take all the overflow clients from those couples massages.  I basically only massage couples.  And I make pretty good money doing it this way.

Damn, this is so stupid.  My day is stupid.  I think I lost the knack of perception.

I have to practice getting it back.  I love reading my blog from back then.

After I massaged my client I went to happy hour with Kristina and Angela and now here I am back home.  That was my day.  And now I want to play my video game.

I’ll try again tomorrow.  I’ll try being perceptive or whatever.  I loved myself so much back then, I have to bring that girl back into focus.  There’s only so much time travel paradox’s a girl can write about, now is the time to stop all that.  I need to write about my actual life dammit.

I think it has to do with taking a hard honest look at my life.  Writing all the gritty naked parts.  That’s my homework for tomorrow.  Think naked and gritty and capture it.

Oh and I forgot, I paid off that $3000 of debt I accumulated while on vacation for 2 months.  Now all I have left is my one credit card and my car payment.  My credit card is about $5,400 and I don’t know how much I owe on my car.  Maybe $5,000?  or $4000?  Instead of paying them off, I stopped working and lounged around all day like I did last summer, and then I went on vacation for 2 months.

My excuse for not paying them off this time is that I need to pay my lawyer another $5000 and taxes are due soon.  There goes my laying around time and my cross-country trip.  Will my cross-country adventure ever happen?  When was the first I wrote about that?  The beginning of this blog 8 years ago perhaps?

The one trip I really want to take…..the one trip I dreamed about since I was 12.  It’s just so freaking expensive.


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Demolition Deposition

I fucking hate winter.

I’m nearly 38 years old and each time winter rolls around, it catches me off-guard like a punch to the gut.

Me thinking – “How did I forget how much I hated winter?”

During the warmer months, I feel invincible.  I never get cold, I never get hungry or tired.  Not only do I not get cold, hungry or tired, but it’s as though those things are beneath me and I will NEVER get cold, hungry or tired ever again.  My disposition is too strong and healthy.  I beat all the odds.

But then winter lumbers in like a 400 pound cranky old monstrosity and my body crumples like a heap of laundry under my blankets.  I wait for the sweet release of death.

This winter is not a mild one.  There’s snow and there’s single digits.  It’s like no other winter that came before it.  It reminds me of the time I went to Alaska in February and lost my gloves.

I swear a lot in my head.  It’s always “eff this” and “eff that”, “mother fucking shit fuck”…etc.  But it’s always in my head.  I’m too respectful to swear out in public.  But come wintertime, guess what?  The fuck in me comes out where I normally wouldn’t give one.


It’s been years since my business suffered by the hands of one twisted perverted therapist.  It’s taken me that long to get over it.  But it’s back.  The worry is back.

My lawyer is hard at work undergoing the deposition hearings with the three victims of the lawsuit and holy shit.  Holy mother of pigs it’s brutal.

I know that depositions are meant to clarify facts, to get them straight with an unbiased account of what happened.  But I didn’t know how grueling they are.

My lawyer, god bless him, is one of those lawyers you can’t help but to hate.  A brutal man with no compassion or mercy.  An unfeeling vermin who cares nothing for others.

And he’s on my side!!  Yay for me!  I’m being serious.

He’s interrogated one of the 3 victims so far.

In my opinion (and I do value my opinions as being both logical and reasonable), the deposition itself is a more traumatic experience than the actual incident I’m being sued for.  I shit-you-not.  I’m scared of getting doubly-sued for being the harbinger of a traumatic deposition!

In case you forgot, I’m being sued for one of my former employee’s taking pictures of his clients while he massaged them.  He never touched them inappropriately or shared the photos online.  He just taken pictures.  I’m not downplaying it, I know it’s a vile thing he did, but it could’ve been worse.  Much worse.

My lawyer sent me the transcript of the first deposition.  It was done by a court reporter on one of those little keyboard machines.  Three hours worth of personal information – very personal information.  I know more about this woman than I do about anybody.

She’s a doctor here in town (I won’t tell you a doctor of what), her last name is infamously known from it being plastered on big ass signboards littered up and down the main road during voting season.  Her family is in politics.  And now I have dirt on her.

Her ex-husband emotionally abused her, she’s on anti-anxiety meds, she got a DUI, had a coke and drinking problem, spent 3 months at a rehab center down in Florida…..etc.

My lawyer – “Did you use cocaine during the day?”

Her – “Sometimes.”

My lawyer – “Did you inform your patients when you were under the influence of cocaine?”

Her – “No I did not.”

My lawyer – “Did you inform the state licensing board of your addiction to cocaine?”

Her – “No I did not.”

It was a full three hours of invasive questions such as this.  The type you don’t want getting out in public.

Her – “Do I have to answer these questions?”

Lawyer – “Yes you do.”

I now know what a “leading” question means.   It leads to more questions that you’re forced to answer truthfully due to weaving a trap for yourself by your previous answers.  Only one answer can now fit and it’s the picture he’s painting, not yours.  All done in the guise of finding the “facts”.  Black and stupid fucking white.  You tie your own noose sort of speak.  Cognitive dissonance won’t help you here.

Reading that deposition was like watching a master sculptor at his best.  Like listening to Beethoven’s symphony No. 9 for the first time.  Live in concert.  In Vienna.

My lawyer covered everything!  All possible angles she could get me for, he kept digging to find the real answers as to why she installed a surveillance camera at her house, why she’s taking anxiety meds, why she see’s a therapist….etc.  Her life was fucked up before the incident is what he was getting at and he accomplished it.  Bravo.  You da man.

The victim is a young, smart professional and figured out what my lawyer was doing half-way through the process.  The heated questions and being under oath caused her to fluster but once she figured it out, she started answering more carefully.

But my lawyer is smarter than she is.

Lawyer – “So we’re changing answers now?  Any more answers you want to change?”

My lawyer is a sociopathic genius, very quick thinking, leaves no holes or gaps in his understanding of things.  Nobody stands a chance against him.  I think I’m in love with him.  I’m so impressed and I’m NEVER impressed with anyone.

I hit the jackpot with this guy.  He has a booming voice and a commanding presence.  I see no weakness in his confidence.

As for her lawyer, the guy just sat there like a doofus.

Granted, I wasn’t there (fuck that shit), but I could picture his face all mild mannered with his republican hairdo flopped to one side.  He kept saying “I object”,  like they do in the movies.  But my lawyer completely ignored him which I found funny.  I actually laughed out loud when I read it.

Yes I’m sadistic and yes these are horrible circumstances and I feel bad for what happened, but she’s the one coming after me, you know?  For something that I could not prevent.  It’s like if one of my employees got caught stealing from the till and I’m the one held responsible for their actions.  I’m the one who gets blamed.  Like I wanted them to steal from me, you know?  It’s ludicrous!

The only words her lawyer uttered throughout the whole 3 hour ordeal was, I object.  He said it 3 or 4 times.   And each time he said it, my lawyer went Erin Brockovich on his ass.

And that’s not the funny part!  The funny part is, when I was fumbling around looking for representation, her lawyer was the first guy I turned to.  He was supposed to be MY lawyer.  But even before I gave him my name, he told me he’s already representing one of the plaintiffs.

It’s a small town.  Everybody who’s anyone knows what happened.  It was plastered all over the news and in the paper.  The guy knew who I was before I barely said two words.

Me – “So, what do I do?  Do you recommend anyone?”

Which is a really stupid question, I know, but I was annoyed and wanted to annoy him.

Her lawyer – “I suggest you speak with your insurance company and they’ll provide you with a lawyer.”

Me – “Okay, I’ll try that.”

He was actually really nice.  He sounded sympathetic over the phone.  A sweet guy.

I bet he’s wishing now that he’d recommended someone to me other than my insurance company.

When I first met my lawyer during the free consultation, I felt like I was the one being interrogated.  I felt him snaking his way into my psyche and the first thing that popped into my head was, “I need to hire this guy.”

You do NOT want a nice lawyer.  Nice lawyers suck.

If you want to dominate someone emotionally and intellectually, you have to have more confidence than the other guy.  That’s all it is.  And this guy’s got a bunch of it.

And you have to look at the person like they’re either stupid or crazy.  Not just look, but believe they are stupid/crazy.  You have to feel it and actually see it and just by looking to visually see their stupidity (weakness), you’ll find it every time.  No matter how smart the guy is, you’ll find it.  The more confidence and belief you have in yourself, the more you’re able to break a person.  But you can find other things too.  Anything you want, really.  If you look hard enough.

Portrait artists do this but they call it “finding their humanity”.  It’s when they finally “see” a person for who they really are.  Even for a glimpse.

It’s a form of weakness showing through.  A way for others to sneak in while a little of themselves sneak out.  A two-way street, an opening.  It’s usually the heavily guarded people who break while the open people bend in the breeze.

Weakness happens to be strength.  That’s something most people don’t know.  If you’re open all the time, you sorta get immune to shit.  Like getting inoculated before the virus strikes.  The virus is already in you so you have no choice but to toughen up and either brush it off or ride it out.

I know this from experience.  The most open people I’ve met in the world are also the strongest people I’ve ever met.  That can’t be a coincidence.

I shouldn’t say strong, but resilient.  They’re too sensitive for me to use the word “strong”.

When I say strong, what I really mean is intelligent.  But not book intelligence or IQ.  It’s more like…….hmmm…..it’s like they know themselves and are fully present.  Being resilient only comes with being intelligent.  So, open people are more often the smartest people that I know.

And I believe that form of intelligence is brought on by introspection.  A hard honest look at themselves.  But it’s impossible to know who they are if they don’t know others first.  They’re forced into seeing people and understanding them in order to understand themselves.

I suppose they are more empathic than the rest.  Empathy doesn’t always equate to intelligence though.  Think about dogs.  They can be empathetic if you look hard enough.  Who’s to say what’s real?

I wish I was more open.  Blog Melanie is a lot different from real life Melanie.  I can break.  I’ve been broken before.  But hot damn I’m a resilient mother fucker.

When I was walking across Spain, I would listen to podcasts.  I listened to this one episode in particular that talked about how our expectations effect others.

They experimented on mice and people.  Hold on a sec, let me find the podcast…..it’s a really good one.

Okay I found it.  The Podcast is an NPR show called Invisbilia and the episode I’m referring to is “How to become Batman”.

The scientists experimented on two groups of mice.  They labeled one group “smart mice” and the other group “dumb mice”.

The scientists explained to the participants that each mouse undergone an IQ test that proved them to be either smart or dumb.  The participants understood this and didn’t question it.  They understood that one group of mice was dumb and the other, smart.

Both groups of mice had exactly the same IQ.  They’re freaking mice!

The participants watched the smart mice navigate a maze.  The scientists explained to the participants that these mice are expert navigators that always finish the maze quickly.

And sure enough, each mouse found the cheese very quick.  Every single one of them.

Then they preformed the same experiment with the dumb mice.  Once again, the scientists told the participants to expect these mice not to preform as well.

And surprisingly enough, that’s just what happened.  With every single mouse in the dumb group of mice.  They all sucked at the maze.

This shocked everyone, obviously.  How can this be?  Well, yada yada, the scientists broke it down into pheromones.  Our thoughts, aka expectations in this case, are chemically processed in the brain which transmutes hormones in our bloodstream which in turn discharges a chemical blueprint out through the pores of our skin.

We smell our expectations before we can make our own.

Think about it…..The quickest way to the brain is through the nose and the nose is the back door of your subconscious.  You don’t even know it’s happening.  You can take on someone else’s beliefs and not have any idea or recollection of it happening.

Middle-aged mom – “How the HELL did I become my Mother?!!”

But it doesn’t work on everybody.  Like for instance, if you walk into a room full of cult fanatics that are about to drink the kool aid, you’ll most likely “smell something fishy”.

Maybe, now just hear me out, maybe some of us can smell crazy?

When we smell a potent belief seeping heavily out a persons wet spots, instead of taking on that person’s belief, we instead interpret them as crazy?  So in a way, there are some people in the world who are immune to flocking with the sheep because they subconsciously interpret the “belief” pheromone as “crazy”.

Am I crazy?  I sound it.  Crazy is what crazy do.

Now, I have to be completely honest with you here.  I haven’t listened to this particular Podcast since the Camino and I may have gotten it confused with another episode called Fearless which is also an Invisbilia episode.  I listened to Fearless before the camino and I think I combined the two episodes together.  Maybe mice don’t smell pheromones, but snakes smell fear?  Ugh, I forgot dammit.

I should’ve blogged about it after I listened to it.  I remember most things I write about.

Listen to both episodes, they’re really good.  Everyone with an iPhone has the Podcast app preinstalled already so it’s easy to listen to them.

I love Podcasts…..I want to walk across Spain again just for the Podcasts.  I’m being serious.  I want to walk across Spain for a 3rd time this April.  It’s not going to happen though.  I’m sort of in deep shit with this lawsuit.  I’m going to have to pay my lawyer another $5,000 soon.

Anyway, what I was trying to say for this whole entire post is that my lawyer is like one of those participants watching all the dumb mice fumble through a maze.

How does he do that?  How does he fluster people enough to have them spill everything?  It’s like that magic trick, the one that mentalists do.  The best lawyers are mentalists.

I better stop writing or I’ll get insomnia.


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Discovery versus creation versus invention

I don’t believe in inventions. I believe in discoveries. You can’t create something that’s already there. Basically what I’m saying is that you can put together the first transistor radio, but you didn’t invent it. You discovered it.

You discovered how the world works, and not the other way around.

But you can create art. Anything can be art. The phone I’m typing this on can be viewed as a piece of art. But technology itself? That’s not yours. It belongs to the world. Technology has no owner. Putting two sticks together creates fire but that fire isn’t only yours, you know what I’m saying?

Two sticks or banging two rocks together was once the latest advancements in the human race. The invention of the wheel is still talked about today. And so is sliced bread.

All advancements, big or small, are nothing but discovering how the world works. You uncover a little more of the riddle, you advance a little more in technology.

First the discovery, than the tool to use it, and then creation comes when you put the two together. Skyscrapers, electron microscopes, a Boeing 747. All works of art. All from the minds of people who asked the question, “what can I use this for?”

What can I use this for….

I’m about to gut out my bedroom. Possibly tomorrow if my game allows it. And this question will bullet hole my brain until I have to sit down with a useless object in my hand and let my brain ooze out my skull. My eyes drift into the haze of wonderment and memory.

What would I need an old helmet for? I’ll never wear it, I look ridiculous in it. Why should I keep this old crappy computer that drove me insane? I played the PlayStation VR like what, one time?

What can I use them for…what new discovery is awaiting me?

What would happen if I gut out all the wires in my old computer, fill the helmet with gasoline, pour it all over the computer and strike a match? Record everything and then watch it on my VR headset like I was there in person?

That’s art. That’s art at its finest.

It’s New Year’s Eve and I just want to play my game and sleep. I had to wake up early today for a client and yesterday, no bullshit, really did kick my ass.

But seriously though, should I be trying to discover something new in the world?

First I have to have a need for something that hasn’t been discovered yet. First the need, than the search, than the disc…ah fuck it, I even annoy myself, not just you.

What do I need….money. We all need money, that’s why everyone imprisons themselves with jobs.

Maybe I can create money? No, I tried that when I was 12 and it looked like crap. The soda machine wouldn’t even take it.

What else do I need besides money?

Power? Notoriety?

I’m such a lowly superficial human…

No, I mean a real discovery. Like quantum gravity or some shit. How can I prove quantum gravity entanglement? If I can do this, I can uncover the first hover board.

But I have no tools. First the tool then the discovery.

I should try napping again. I tried earlier but my employee called and woke me up after 10 minutes. I won’t make it to midnight at this rate.

I need to discover something similar to sliced bread. I have tools for a discovery like that.

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“If Time Travel Was Real” Written by Melanieslifeonline, edited by WordPress spell checker. Copyright December 30th 2017

Today was brutal.

I don’t know what made me want to finish writing my last post at 4 in the morning today.  It’s not like I had anything important to say.

I got home so late and so drunk last night (this morning) and for some reason I wanted to write knowing full well that I had 5 clients today starting at 11.

It was brutal.  Have I said that already?  Well it was.

It’s now 10:30PM and I can’t keep my eyes open.  I just want to write about this time travel paradox right quick before I forget it.  My brain is thinking up some weird shit tonight.

Ready to hear it here it goes….

Let’s say a man discovers time travel.  I’ll call him number 1.

He goes back in time only to discover he’s getting buried alive by multiple bodies of himself also coming from the same future.  He has to quickly find his younger self in that time period and tell him not to travel back in time.  Something went terribly wrong.

The man (number 1) finds his younger self (number 2) and warns him.  In a flash, the number 1 man disappears along with all his other selves.  Leaving no traces behind.

The young man, number 2, goes about his day as if nothing happened and when number 2 invents time travel, history repeats and he travels back in time once again.

How does this happen?

When number 1 warned number 2 about the upcoming disaster, number 2 listened to the warning and never went back in time but since he never went back in time, number 1 was never able to warn number 2 about the disaster.  Hence the infinite pile of number 1’s that keep traveling back in time.  No one stopped him.

My question is….where do all these bodies go when they disappear?  How is it possible for something to never happen if it happened?

I was watching a time travel documentary on YouTube just a moment ago and you see what happens?  I should be sleeping right now!

It was a National Geographic special.  They say that time travel is theoretically proven but we don’t have the technology to make it happen.

It’s interesting….The documentary also states that if we travel through time using the light-speed approach, we will be going into the future.  But if we travel using the gravity approach, we travel backwards.  The gravity approach is much more likely to happen according the the physicists.

What if time travel really does exist, and people been traveling back here for millennia?  They cause epic disasters, correct them, forget them (refer to my story above), and we’re actually living in some vacuum of forgotten memories that never transpired but did?

And what if all the corrected mistakes we made that disappeared into nothingness, didn’t really disappear?  All the number 1’s never truly disappeared but morphed into intangible thoughts, like they were added to the mass-consciousness of the universe?  They went up and out into the 5th dimension?

All the horrible atrocities that mankind committed through-out history keep getting rectified and forgotten which in turn feeds into our mass consciousness.  It poisons the well and from that poison, creates even bigger disasters.  We obliterate the musket only to replace it with an AK-47.

Wow, I’m like beyond tired.  I’m writing complete gibberish.

What else is new.

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I played my video game on Christmas day.  Boy, did I play.  From sun-up to sun-down, I couldn’t stop.  My brother, my niece, and her boyfriend all came over for dinner and it was nice, but all I could think about was heading back downstairs to play.

It’s not just an addiction.  I honestly believe my brain needs it.

Before I started to play, I was tired and stressed.  When I say tired, I’m talking both physically and mentally drained no matter how much I slept.  I could barely get out of bed.  This is due to various reasons, some of which are from traveling abroad for the last two months.

But then I started to play……

My brain fell in sync.  That’s the best way to describe it.  Everything that I’ve been stressing about, the scattered thoughts and trivial problems, melted away.  If they weren’t melted away, they were compartmentalized.  Put away into their respective locations.  When I’m ready to view them, I can delicately pick them up where I left off and look at them with clear eyes and a clear mind.

My energy went up.  My motivation went up.  My excitement….went up.

How does this happen?  I don’t understand……

Let’s think on it;

When I play, my brain is at optimum relaxation.  Some people go to the spa to relax, they get a massage or whatever – but I on the other hand, need to engage my brain in order to relax.  To ask questions and solve problems, to write and such.  I get a massage for therapeutic purposes and relaxation isn’t one of them.  I need crosswords.  Give me Jeopardy.

My brain feels most relaxed on video games, but it’s also never more active.  It works harder on video games than when it comes to managing a business.  My eyes and ears are on full alert for hours on end.

My guess is that it has something to do with our evolution and where we came from.

From the time we were hunter gatherers, starving for our next meal, we were always on alert.  To be on full alert meant that rewards are soon to follow.  But we couldn’t acquire those rewards without focus, so we instinctively turned off all unnecessary clutter.  Makes sense, right?

The more we engage, the less mental baggage there is to deal with.  And with less mental baggage, the less fatigued we feel.  The human machine knows what to do once you take yourself out of the equation.

Of course, this is all hyperbole.  Completely my theory, who knows the actual truth?

All I know is that video games make me feel utterly fantastic.  Like gutting out the attic.


In other news…..

I love food.  I like to reward myself with food whenever I work.  By “work” what I mean is doing something that I don’t want to participate in.

There’s a new Japanese/Korean place that just opened up near me – 3 minutes away.  And I love it.  Love love LOVE it.

They have a salad there called POKI.  I plan to eat it for lunch every single day that I work.  It’s healthy and amazing.

Between that and my video game, my love for life went up ten-fold since getting back from my trip.  These are tools that will help me along the way.

I was depressed after getting back because all I could think about was the long list of shit I have to do in order to enjoy life again.  I focused on the destination, not the journey. And seeing that I’m nearly 38, time is of the essence. My journey should ALREADY be awesome. Everyday awesome. Yolo baby.

I need to get this shit done quick which means I have to work HARD.

These thoughts depressed me.  That’s why I was in a funk.

I had virtually nothing on my roster to look forward to.  Just work, and work hard.

To go to my exercise class, play pool in my pool league, and nights when I do neither, I work.  Every single day I have shit to do.  I’m not an “everyday do shit” kind of gal.  I’m more of a “be as lazy as you like everyday” kind of gal.

But with my upcoming schedule, I’ll have no free days.  Just get in shape, make money, and one night a week indulge in my love of billiards.

It sounds…well, it sounds horrible is how it sounds.

The pool league starts January 19th.  I’m not sure how I’ll like it.  I don’t really like doing things on a weekly basis but I signed up because I love to play. I have no interest in socializing, meeting new people….I just want to fucking play pool and drink beer.


It’s now a couple days later, I don’t know how many exactly.  It’s the 30th at 3:15am.

Can I just tell you I made the perfect business?  I don’t want to tell you because I’ll jinx it, but it’s absolutely perfect.  We had 22 clients today!  I don’t know if that’s a record, but it’s a lot of freaking clients.  Everything went smooth and stream-lined.  Perfect in every way.  And we are nearly 5 star on Groupon and we made the best of Groupon list which is actually sorta a big deal….seriously, not a lot of places get ratings as good as ours.  This is the first in 4 years we made that list.  It’s all algorithms, so there’s no favoritism or crap like that.

I shouldn’t be blogging right now.  I get insomnia when I do this so late.  I wanted to write something but I forgot what it was.

I ate at J Sushi three days in a row now.  That’s the new place I was telling you about.  I still love it.  Today they threw in a free miso soup because, well, I’m awesome like that.  But there’s another place that just opened up too, Pho Spice!  They have Thai and Vietnamese.

J Sushi is Japanese/Korean, and the other place is Thai/Vietnamese.  My all time favorite is Vietnamese so I gotta give them a shot.  Vietnamese has the best sauces and the best broth known to the entirety of the human race.

Dude….I’m like in heaven.  I love where I live.  I love my town.

I remember what I wanted to write….

I wanted to write out my new business plan!  Damn, what was I thinking?  It’s too late!  I mean, it’s too late physically for me to write out my business plan right now.  I just got really excited for it, that’s all.  I’ll write about it later, I’ll publish this shit or I’ll never publish It.

G’night y’all

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Christmas Eve

I slept the entire day.  It’s 8:30 at night and I want to sleep again.  I should’ve went to work to sell gift certificates, but I couldn’t move.  I’m horrible.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wasn’t this tired when I was traveling but then again, I didn’t stay up until 3am like I do when I’m home.

My friend isn’t pissed at me for kissing her brother.  I was worried about nothing.  Her brother also made out with another friend of ours that same night which is what saved my hide – it wasn’t just me.  And he came on strong and aggressive.  Everything is good and it was just one of those nights….

I should’ve went to work today.  I’m such an asshole.

I went to sleep at 11PM last night, woke up at 11AM today, ate a turkey sandwich that my mom made me and fell back to sleep listening to my audiobook with my dog.  I didn’t wake up until after 4.  Then I watched Master of None on Netflix and The Neon Demon on my jail broken firestick (super weird movie).

After that, I wanted to play Elder Scrolls Online but since I haven’t logged into my playstation for months, I have to update everything.  I have to update my playstation and not only that, but update Elder Scrolls.  We’re talking lots of updating hours.  54 GB’s.  Not MB’s, but GB’s.  Those are the big files.

So now I’m watching the Watchman on my Firestick and blogging.

All I want to do is play my game.  That’s all I want.

It’s too early for sleep and I’m all movie’d out for the day.  But no.  Stupid updates.

But I’m happy.  I get to sleep as late as I want tomorrow and not feel guilty for not going to work.  We are closed for Christmas and everyone, including clients, won’t bother me.

But I’m sad that my money making season is nearing it’s end.  It was a great season.  Oh god how I love Christmas.  I love love LOVE Christmas now that I opened my own business.  It’s especially awesome that my friend Stephanie is here visiting from Minnesota.

Since getting back from my trip, life has continued it’s awesomeness.  2017 has truly been amazing.  Lord knows I needed it.  I’ve trudged through hell and high water for long enough.

I don’t feel like delving into anything heavy tonight.  Today has been a catch-up day on some well needed R&R.  I just hope the update will be installed by tomorrow.


It’s now 1:oo in the morning.  I got sucked into YouTube.  I literally spent the last 4 hours watching YouTube videos.  My game has only 5 more hours left until it’s updated…..

My room is still a hot mess.  I did however, throw in a load of laundry.  The first time doing laundry since I been back.  Procrastinate much?

I did virtually nothing today, but I feel strong enough to do virtually nothing again tomorrow.  Sleep and audiobooks baby.

I love this.  I just love it.  Right here, right now.  It’s perfect.  A perfect moment.  I’m just so content right now.  I have everything I’ll ever need right here in my room to sustain my contentment indefinitely.

It’s that feeling you get when it starts snowing really hard and you know for sure school will be cancelled the next day.  You want to stay up late just to savor every last drop of time.

I’m going to hit the hay and listen to my book.  I’m still tired from before, I never woken up.  I can’t keep my eyes open dammit.


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