If the Universe Was the Size of a Photon

Okay, so like I said in my last post, our universe is a hologram of data packets living on the surface of an event horizon.

It’s all theoretical fun and games to think about this stuff.  It’s not that I actually believe any of it, but it’s a smattering of thoughts for a book idea I’m formulating.

I also wrote about the fireworks theory in which when one black hole (big bang universe) dissipates, a new black hole (a new universe) forms in it’s place.  And thus, time never ends.

Perhaps a new universe can only form once dark energy has overtaken gravity?  Once space and time no longer exist?

That’s according to the scientists.  They say that once dark energy starts ripping particles apart, space and time will be no more.

For shits and giggles, let’s just pretend this theory is correct.  Imagine the fireworks show.

As one firework starts to fade, another blasts in its place.  So we don’t actually know how old the universe is because we can only measure it from the start of our own firework.

Now think about this…..

Time is relative.  Everybody knows that by now.  From an ants point of view, humans move in slow motion according to their perspective.  What if we are the ant?  Only smaller than an ant?

The universe seems like it’s not moving much from our perspective, but if you blew yourself up so the universe is the size of a marble resting in the palm of your hand, and then looked at that marble from under an electron microscope, you might see stars and planets zipping around so fast that they are nothing but a streak of light.

Then what if you blew yourself up even more?  So the universe is nothing more than the size of a particle?  It’ll abide by the laws of quantum mechanics and pop in and out of existence just as particles are said to do.  Meaning, the universe – the marble – will evolve so fast, it’ll be created and destroyed, in the smallest decibel of time imaginable.  While to us, it takes trillions of years.

The universe is nothing more than quantum foam, a virtual universe of superimposed fluctuations.

What is a virtual particle?

First of all, they exist in real life.  Not just in my head.  You can see virtual particles when you do the double slit experiment (which I’m not about to explain).

Virtual particles are both here and not here.  They pop into “existence”, interfere with each other, and pop back out once the measurement has been taken.  The stuff that happens in-between the measurement is unknown but can be seen via double slit.

We can only measure the source (where it begins) and it’s ending location, but nothing in-between.

During the in-between time, all possibilities exist for that little particle and they are infinite.  They interfere with each other and create waves via chaos theory’s self-organization.

If the universe was the size of a photon, which it is (depending on your perspective), all possibilities exists simultaneous.

We are a virtual black hole that’s no different from the other virtual black holes that surround us in the sea of quantum foam and fluctuations.  We basically don’t exists.  We shouldn’t be here.

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In other news, I’m becoming more and more hermit-like.  I’m starting to get concerned.  Not even the temptation of alcohol was able to lure me out tonight.

My excuse tonight for not going out was that I was busy looking at electron microscopes for sale on Amazon and watching documentaries on Netflix.  “I’m going to be a self-taught chemist!”  Is what I said.  “It’s for the greater good!” I said.

I’ll see them tomorrow, so it’s not that big of a deal.  I even saw one yesterday, so I’m not a complete recluse.

I’m nearing into crunch time with my business, that could possibly be one of the reasons why I want to hunker down.  My surplus of money is nearing its end.  Taking its final bow.

If I actually do make it to April without dipping into my personal line of credit or selling more groupons, it’ll be a close shave on an atomic scale.  Down to dollars and cents in this case.  Pocket change kinda close shave.  Reconsidering my Hulu subscription kind of shave.

The suspense is killing me.  But unlike the descent I faced in 2015, this time around it’s a controlled sinking ship.  I control the sink.  It’s a steady but controlled decline.

The phrase “embrace the suck” just came to mind.

It’s like I’m a pilot with a busted up plane and I’m doing my best to keep ‘er steady.  But the plane isn’t going to crash, it just needs to make it to the next truck stop for a fuel-up.

So there is hope unlike the hopelessness I faced in 2015, but there’s still that jolting unsure feeling.  The feeling of, “Should I touch down now?”  Or, “Can I make it to the next fuel-up station?”

I’m almost positive I won’t make it.  If I touch down now, if I dip into my line of credit, all will be unravelled and all that progress I made last year will take another year to make up for.

My friend/receptionist wants me to go to Italy with her in May.  She’s a photographer and will take loads of pictures and post them to Facebook for all the world to see that I actually made it to Italy!  That prospect alone makes me want to go.  Pictures galore.  She takes like 500 pictures in just one outing, I can’t imagine how many she’d take in Italy. Her head will blow the eff up.

But alas, I’m busy trying keep my sinking ship steady.

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I would’ve had so much fun if I went out tonight.  They’re playing my favorite board game, cards against humanity.

But it’s like I said, I have to keep ‘er steady.  I can’t lose focus.  Can’t have fun.  It’s like I literally can’t have fun even if I tried, so why bother?

Why am I always so miserable?

I must embrace the suck, control the sink.

And just think that all this is happening inside a particle that’s neither here nor there.  And at the center of this particle exists a quantum black hole that has a singularity at it’s center that is so minuscule, yet so dense, it’s perception of time is faster than the speed of light.  And we are living on a memory of our own creation.

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You want to know where the term “Room and Board” came from?  Well, way back in the day, meals were served on wooden boards.  Table’s were in fact, a wooden plank resting on trestles.  You can read the best answer I found here.

My brother just got home and came into my room.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking up the etymology of room and board.”

It’s 11:30PM.

“I was going to watch Batman verses Superman but started looking up how ice forms in space and then I couldn’t stop looking things up.”

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What is comprised of a particle?

Particles are what make up atoms.  They can neither be created or destroyed, just change form like water.

You can change the form of particles by smashing them together or heating them up.  The Iconic E=MC2 means that the amount of energy needed to create a particle must be proportional to its mass.

Photon’s are the easiest to make while the Higgs boson is the hardest (heaviest) and requires a huge collision (energy) to make them.

Everything that exists today came from a singularity.  Google defines a singularity as follows:

In the centre of a black hole is a gravitational singularity,

a one-dimensional point which contains a huge mass in an infinitely small space,

where density and gravity become infinite and space-time curves infinitely,

and where the laws of physics as we know them cease to operate.

What if within each black hole that’s created, a new universe is born on it’s opposite end?  And that explains how matter can pop into existence seemingly out of nowhere?  We are all just one big projection, a hologram, inside a hologram, inside a hologram.

 

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What If The Big Bang Never Happend?

Hear me out for a second.  I don’t have much time, but want to put this down on paper before it falls into the void.  It’s for a book idea.

I watch a lot of documentary’s about the universe, quantum mechanics and physics.  I even read a few books about it.

  • I learned that the universe is expanding faster and faster until dark energy will tip the scales and become so great that it’ll be powerful enough to rip atoms apart.

This will happen billions of years from now.

  • I also learned that multi-universes must exist in order to explain the perfection of our own universe.
  • Particles can pop in and out of existence in the vacuum of space.  This is the only stable theory that explains the big bang (creating something from nothing).  One popular hypothesis is that it “borrows” energy from a parallel dimension.  But it quickly has to repay its debt by popping back out of existence.
  • And finally, I learned that anything that falls into a black hole leaves an imprint on the event horizon.  A little data packet of information that can be used to reconstruct whatever it was that fell into the black hole.  Whether it be your wallet, with all your credit cards in it, or a hat.

Furthermore, there’s a few physicists that actually believe that’s all we are, data packets on an event horizon.  Packets of energy that’s been reconstructed as the walking talking holograms we are today.  Not just people, but planets, stars, time, space – everything is a hologram.  Our universe is nothing more than a hologram being projected from a place light can never reach.

The gravity we feel is a byproduct of the black hole.  The stuff that holds us all together.  Perhaps gravity is the repayment of borrowed energy?  A magnet from a different dimension?

My book idea is this; what if instead of there being a multiverse of floating universes that never meet, it’s more like a multiverse that works like a fire works show?  Once the “big rip” happens and the old universe is destroyed by dark energy, a new universe pops into existence by overlapping it?  Like when one firework starts to fade, another one explodes on top of it.

Nothing ever dies in this way, just fades away.

Scientists claim that time didn’t exist before the big bang.  This is because of spacetime.  Time and space are dependent on each other and if there was no space, there was no time.

But with my firework analogy, there was a time before time.  Nothing is separated.  Just lost in a different time.

Past, present and future all exist simultaneous at the same time.  This can be proven with the laws of physics and spacetime.  It just depends on your perspective.  And I watched a documentary explaining this, the same documentary that talks about the universe eventually being torn apart leaving no trace of space or time in it’s wake and I started thinking about the grandfather paradox.

How can there be an end to time?  If there is an end to time, how can time exist now?  When it doesn’t exist in the future?

Think about it this way…..

Let’s say the universe is about to end in 5 seconds.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1……what happens next?  The blankness?  The nothingness?  If this is true, than where are we?  If all time happens simultaneous depending on your perspective, how can time exist and not exist at the same time?  How can we be here and not here?

Because there is no end of time, only new fireworks.  Time has to be perpetual in order for us to exist.

And what about the big bang theory?  What if it never exploded?

When particles pop out of nothingness, they borrow their energy from someplace.  But they can’t stay in existence because they quickly need to repay the borrowed energy.

What if the big bang started off as a singularity so massively dense using borrowed energy, nothing escaping it’s gravity, that when it exploded – it swallowed itself back up forming an immense black hole?  And we are merely trapped on the surface as a hologram?  And once that energy has been repaid, the process starts all over again.  More fireworks.

It’s like we’re on the surface of a balloon.  Technically, there is no center point of a balloon, no center of the universe, no center of explosion since spacetime expands as the universe expands.  But what if we can somehow float under the membrane of the balloon, into it’s real center?  The origin, if you will.

That’s kinda my book idea, kinda sorta.  Someone who can pass through the membrane of the balloon and from their perspective, they’re able to see the past, present and future, and the deeper they fall into the hole, the older time gets.  They can see past universes.  It becomes such a blur that it leads into infinity.  Every possibility existing at the same time.

Anyway, it’s 2:37 in the morning and I need to be up at 8.  I really hope this doesn’t become a problem again.  Staying up late to blog.  I had it under control for the longest time.

 

 

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The Business Made Money in 2016

I’ve filed my taxes the honest way my whole life.  It was always a pleasure to do when I was expecting money back.

This was the first year I haven’t filed honestly.  I fudged it.  Oh yes, I fudged it.  I had no choice!

Last year, my business claimed over an $8,000 loss.  Why the hell can’t I carry that over into this year?  How am I supposed to make up for the loss?

It just doesn’t make sense.  I paid off my losses from last year, that’s why I have nothing to show for it this year.  How am I supposed to catch up?  If I were to actually pay on every dime I made this past year, how can I catch up from the loss I had last year?

Anyway, taxes are done.   Finally.  It was the most painful tax experience I’ve ever had in my life.  I need to set up a plan for next year, some kind of tax savings.  It sucks because I still owe a little over $13,000 in debt so I don’t want to save, I want to pay goddammit.  And save for a house!

It doesn’t feel like a burden has lifted.  Usually after filing my taxes, I feel wonderful.  Not this year.  This year, if I get audited, my only real defense is somehow rolling over that $8000 loss from last year and explaining why I deducted it from my earned income this year.

I also didn’t claim the $10,000 I made in cash.  I didn’t claim all the money Groupon gave me either.  In other words, I’m fucked.

It’s not fair and I refuse to play their stupid game.  This couldn’t have happened at a more worse time than now.  When I’m flooded in Groupon debt and employee’s get paid 3 times, not two, in March.

But I think I’ll be okay.  Honestly, it’s a new business that just opened last year and I haven’t claimed any losses like most new businesses.  I haven’t made any fraudulent deductions that can’t be proven with receipts.  I simply fudged how much I made, that’s all.

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I Just Want To Write This Real Quick…..

Okay, it’s the same day as my last post.  No, I have not started my taxes yet.

Instead of doing my taxes, I instant messaged people and texted people – all stuff that I had to do, not out of enjoyment but more like out of obligation.  Work related crap and helping friends out kind of stuff.

Then my parents came home from the casino and my mom brought me home half her sandwich that she didn’t finish and she wanted me to add minutes to her track phone.

While I was eating her sandwich, I started watching what I thought would be a stupid documentary.  It’s called “The Path Documentary Series Extra’s.”  It’s all the garbage that didn’t make it into the real documentary which I’ve never even heard of.

I started watching it because I thought I can do my taxes at the same time a stupid documentary was playing in the background.  I wouldn’t be tempted to pay attention to it.  It would act as background noise to help me concentrate.

Now it’s 10:30 Pm.  This documentary is astounding!  I just wanted to write about it super quick.  Not any details, just that everything these people say, agree’s with what I’ve experienced with ayahuasca.  It’s incredible!

And it’s scaring the crap out of me.  I won’t tell you why, I can’t write another 3,000 word blog post tonight.  But man oh man.  This shit is real.

I’m writing about it as a reminder to myself to watch the actual documentary when I have the time.

 

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The business won’t make it to April

We have 353 signature couples massages left to redeem by April and I’m running out of money fast.

I can’t sell anymore groupons because we’re still slammed with clients even though we redeem about 200 a month.

The whole existence of my business, everything I’ve worked so hard for rests upon these next two months.  I do NOT want to dip into my personal line of credit.  That defeats the purpose of selling the groupons in the first place – to pay off my mammoth debt.

I knew this would happen.  I knew I would experience this anxiety before I put my plan into action.  And I told myself not to get depressed if I have to use my personal line of credit because it’ll only be temporary and will be paid off again.

“No worries Mel, you got this.” Is what I told myself.  “Things might get hairy in the middle, but it’ll work out.”

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But I can’t bring myself to do it.  I just can’t.  I can’t put myself back in debt. I’m like a polarized magnet.  Bugs Bunny’s decaying tooth dancing side to side evading a drill.

I still owe $13,255.

My new plan is to take things one day at a time.  Today I’m okay, I’ll be okay tomorrow too.  Perhaps it’ll all work out.

I’m supposed to be doing my taxes but I’m evading them.  I had one client today, then went to the hardware store to make 3 copies of the business key, went to Stop & Shop to pick up a soup and salad lunch, was home by 1:00 and started watching documentaries about the Universe.  I can’t stop watching them.  They’re mesmerizing.  I finished eating my soup and salad and started listening to my audiobook, We the Legion.  I fell asleep and my dog kicked me awake two hours later.

Now I’m blogging.

I’m supposed to be doing my taxes.

My life never used to be this boring but owning a business, there’s always these stupid little chores you have to do.  Just when you complete one of these chores, another one crops up.  And instead of doing them, you busy yourself with naps, video games, books and documentaries and tell yourself you’ll hop to it right after this steaming cup of Ramen noodles and a snuggle cuddle with your dog.

I don’t want to do anything big, like exercise.  If I exercise, I’ll lose focus and forget about my taxes altogether.  I can’t go out and enjoy myself, not while taxes need taxing.  I’ll lose focus.

It’s like I have one foot standing on a pile of tax papers and the other foot is doing the Charleston.

I’m laying in bed doing nothing.  My parents went to the casino.  It’s so quiet here, my brain is getting squishy and dreamy again.  Like all I want to do is sleep and when I wake up, I’ll do my taxes.  But I’ll probably eat dinner instead while listening to my audiobook and pushing my dogs big fat head away from my dinner plate.

I hired another therapist to replace the one who’s leaving.  That’s one less worry.  And the girl who fractured her hand is taking clients again on the weekend, so that’s good.

The only two bothers I have now are my taxes and getting through these next two months.

I spent over $34,000 in December.  Can you believe it?  On what?  I don’t know.  I’m sure it’s all tax deductible at least.  I won’t be paying any taxes this year, so I’m not worried about that.  That’s not why I’m stalling.

It’s so quiet I can hear the icicles melting outside.

I feel so melancholy.

Oh god I love solitude.  How can normal people hate it so much?

You want to hear something horrible?

I love alcohol, but I’m not an alcoholic.  Wait, that’s not the horrible part.

The horrible part is that since I never drink at home, the only reason I visit a friends house is an excuse to drink bud lights (not even good beer).  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great seeing them, I like them, really I do.  But if alcohol isn’t in the mix, I’d rather stay home.  Either I drink or we do something fun like skydive, or I stay home.

If someone invites me over and I say “no thanks”.  Mostly all of them counter with, “I have bud lights” in a sing-song voice.  I’m over their house (sometimes still in my pajama’s) before they hang up the phone.

It’s that little extra nudge, you know what I mean?

I understand this makes me a horrible person, maybe even a fake person.  A narcissist who only cares about herself.  I know this, okay?  But what can I do about it?  I feel like if I lie and pretend I want to see these people for the sake of seeing them and nothing more, that’s the worst kind of fake-ness there is.  And I’ll be hated more for that than when I’m being honest.

I’m so freaking weird.  I can be content for weeks at a time completely and utterly alone with no alcohol, with nobody.  Anyone else would want to commit seppuku after the third day.

But I never been alone that long.  Not even for a day.  I think that’s why I long for it.  Maybe it’s why loneliness hasn’t effected me like the rest of the world.  I’m not lonely, I’m alone.  There’s a distinct difference.  I know what both feels like and learned that if I’m always alone, I’ll never get lonely.  If you’ve experienced both and know the difference and think hard on this, you’ll know what I mean.

When I go on vacation with more than one person, I need alone time.  If I don’t have alone time, I get really quiet and then really confused.  Like my mind is off in a million different places and can’t concentrate.  If I’m with just one person, it’s not as bad.  I can keep up with them.  I spent every day in Thailand with Brianna and never got quiet and confused around her.

The only way to combat the confusion is by purposely acting stupid.  By acting stupid, I’m less likely to go against the flow and tire myself out.  Usually when I’m around more than one person, I’m always fighting the current.  That is unless, I’m being a complete dumb ass cracking jokes.

That’s the best way I can describe it.  What is “it”? I don’t know.

I can’t believe I’m still blogging.  It’s 5:30PM, I got home today at 1:00.  I had so much time to do taxes!

What am I doing?!

I was trying to have an out of body experience today while napping.  I became lucid when I felt the rush of velocity.  I tried opening my “spirit” eyes but kept opening my regular eyes instead.   When I keep my eyes closed, I see nothing but darkness.  This is a common problem with astral travelers.  You may be traveling outside your body, but you can’t see shit.

The only time I’m able to open my spirit eyes happens when I’m not consciously thinking about it.  Like when I become terrified and snap “awake” I open my spirit eyes instead of my real eyes.

There’s got to be a trick to it…..

Hold on, let me google it.

It doesn’t say anything, just that beginners have a hard time not opening their regular eyes.

Anyway, I decided to keep my eyes closed and enjoy the rushing sensation followed by the floating sensation.  I felt my legs rise up and up and up until I was hanging upside-down.  My head was still connected to my body.

It’s weird hanging upside-down in your dream.  You think you’d feel sick or uncomfortable, but since you’re not physically hanging upside-down, it’s actually quite nice.  I hung like that until my dog kicked me.

I’m being absolutely ridiculous right now and I sound crazy.  Really really crazy.

My friend just asked me to go to lunch tomorrow.  I was going to finish doing my taxes tomorrow, but I haven’t seen her in a while.

I’m supposed to be going to Alaska to see the Iditarod March 2nd.  No no, not “supposed to be going”, but I’m definitely going.  That’s two weeks from now.  I wanted to get my taxes done before then so I can enjoy myself.

There’s a new video game that came out on my birthday (oh shit I forgot to mention that I’m 37 now) but I’m refusing to buy it until I do my taxes.  That’s the major reason they’re not done yet.  I just got done playing Nathan Drake so now I have no game stopping me from getting my taxes done.

Oh god what am I going to do about these next two months?  Fuck shit piss.  I want to break the numbers down for you, but I’m terrified to look at them.  It’s too terrifying.

My dog is laying in bed with me.  He’s the reason I’m not getting anything done!  He takes up so much room.  I can’t splay out all my tax papers with him laying in bed with me and I can’t do it at my desk because I have a freaking moped standing in front of it.  Yes I have a moped in my bedroom, don’t ask.

He’s so comfortable though, and sleepy.  I can’t move him.  He’ll whimper outside my door if I force him out.

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I’m not sure if you’re experiencing the same thing as me, but I’m sincerely pissed off at myself.  I’m aggravated.  So absolutely livid I want to kick my own ass.  Just by typing these few sentences, these next few words, I grow more and more infuriated.  So perplexing is this.  I want to take it out on my dog and kick him.  If my parents were home, I’d yell at them.

Dad – “When are you going to fix my printer?”

Me – “Go fuck yourself Dad!!”

No no no, I’d NEVER!  I would never say or do those things, but I can feel it in my bones why others are like that.  They hate themselves is what it is.

Lazy procrastinators are short-tempered with no patience or forgiveness for their shortcomings.  And they’re too stubborn and too lazy to admit they even have shortcomings.  Damn idiots is what they are.  Angry ignoramuses.

And yes I’m still typing, the more I type, the more I hate myself and the more I want to kick my dog off my bed and scream at him.  But the thing I love about myself is my ability to mindfully know where my emotions are coming from.  Did I mention I’m wicked humble?  I love that about myself too.

Does this explain all anger?  Does anger ultimately stem from feelings of helplessness?

 

You know, I think I’m right.

An old perverted man got a massage by one of my therapists the other day, Austin, a sweet Chinese guy massaged him.

When I caught wind of this, I felt the only way to overcome my helplessness was to dial that old fat bastard and rip him a new asshole.  Which I did, and I felt better.

And that is all well and good, when you take your anger out on someone who actually deserves it, but when you’re feeling hopeless for internal reasons, wires get crossed.  You want to beat the hopelessness out of you and you think it’s others that are causing it, not you.  Perhaps it’s human nature?

Hopelessness hits you and you instinctually feel that a predator must be near, or someone who wants to harm you.  We haven’t evolved out of this yet.  It’s rare to see a person looking inward for answers.  And when you do see someone looking inward and blaming themselves, they often take it too far and become neurotics.

The person who perpetually blames others is a narcissist.  Neurotics and narcissists make up the whole of society and they are equally pathetic and annoying.  Both of them need equal amounts of validation, they both “take” equally and perpetually.  And I want to slap them in their faces.

Why is this?  Because everyone’s broken and suffering.  More so than ever now that people are spoiled and entitled.

It’s like people aren’t able to judge correctly.  They have no balance.  They rely heavily on what others think.  The one’s who have more “power” and influence than they do in the game.

Fuck the game.  Stupid fucking people game.

Solitude.  I just want to be left alone.  I don’t care if I end up alone.

I don’t get it when people say they’re scared they might end up alone.  What does that even mean?  When is “end”?  I’m alone right now, so technically “ended up” alone and I feel absolutely fine about it.

I don’t think I’m going to do my taxes tonight.  I’m so effing pissed.  I’m pissed at my friend who wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow, like it’s her fault, not mine.  I’m texting her and telling her I can’t make it.

This is incredible.  Absolutely freaking incredible.

I hated homework.  I hated it so much.  I literally NEVER studied for anything.  I’m no different in my adult life.

It’s like I’m choosing to hate myself rather than do my taxes.  Enough is enough.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  Help me please won’t someone help me.

What are the 5 stages of acceptance?

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I’ve been back and forth with anger and bargaining for weeks.  I’m finally getting depressed, thank god.  I’m almost there.

As soon as I stop blogging, that’s when I know depression will hit.  As soon as I turn on my Amazon fire stick to watch a movie.  And the depression will grow so great that I’ll be pushed into acceptance and start doing my taxes.

I can’t wait for depression!

This is what I do every year and every year is the same thing.  Once I start doing them, it’s actually not that bad.  The reality is that it’s an easy process and not as time-consuming as I thought.  I usually finish them in two days time.

And when they are done…..oh man, when they’re done I feel like I just climbed Mount Washington.  It’s the best feeling ever.  And while I’m doing them, I feel like an energized super-hero.  I stay up all night.  Not out of frustration or anxiety, but because I’m on a roll and don’t want to stop.  It’s sort of exhilarating.  Like that feeling you get when you clean your house after snorting coke.

That’s how I get when I do things.  Minus the coke.

It’s like, I’m waiting for that exhilaration to happen, but it’s not coming to me.  It only happens after I’ve come out of depression and learned acceptance.

This is why

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Okay, okay, I’m doing them.  I’m doing them.  I will do them.

Right.

Now.

Right after I pee and snuggle my dog a little.

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Explaining the impossible with infinity

Whenever scientists can’t explain something, they chalk it up to infinity.

“The universe is infinite so according to the laws of probability, the likelihood of there being a habitable planet such as our own is no mystery.  It’s science.”

There’s too many unexplained coincidences that make life possible on earth.  The more we learn about our dependance on these factors, the more we believe in the infinite.

There’s just no other way.

This explains the mystery of how life on earth is possible, but now science has recently discovered dark energy.  We’re no longer looking at how life on earth is made possible, but how the universe itself is stable enough to support us.

It is again, miraculous.  Nearly impossible in it’s likelihood that our universe is fit for human life, or any life for that matter.  Stars and planets are also found to be improbable.

Dark energy is the opposite force of gravity.  Gravity pulls us in and dark energy pulls things apart.

The amount of dark energy being used to expand the universe is in such small quantities that it baffles physicists.  But it’s also the perfect number.  More or less of it, time and space wouldn’t exist.

Before the big bang, space and time didn’t exist.  There was nothing.  I hit zen when I was 7 years old while pondering this “nothingness”.  I called it blankness because I didn’t have the words to define it, I still don’t.

But anyway, our universe is measurable and has a beginning.  It’s like a contained bubble floating amid nothingness, or blankness.

Once again physicists are convinced that there has to be infinite multiple universes.  There’s no other way to explain the perfection of our cosmos.  It’s too perfect to be explained.

Explaining everything we don’t understand with infinity and probability is the same as using God as an explanation.  It’s not real science.  It can’t be measured or proven.  It’s more philosophy than anything.  Scientists know this, but can’t ignore this simple explanation.

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Filed under philosophy, random thoughts

Arrival

I just got a jail broken fire stick today and watched my first jail broken movie on it, Arrival.

I don’t condone jail broken fire sticks, I give nobody permission to use a jailbroken anything other than myself.

Now that that’s clear, I want to talk about this movie!

SPOILER ALERT

The whole premise of the movie (this is a spoiler just so you know), is that by learning a special language – the alien language – it reconstructs your brain into seeing your future memories.

I learned about this a while ago on my own during one of my ruminating epidemics.  People of other languages interpret things differently and therefore must think differently.  I never knew this was an actual study called the sapir-whorf hypothesis until I watched this movie.

So anyway, if you learn their alien language fluently, you’ll be able to interpret time differently.  So it’s non-linear.  The memories you make in the future can help you out in the present by giving you clues on what to do next.

I know I wrote about this paradox before, how this is impossible even if it were to be possible.  The whole grandfather time travel paradox for example.  But the movie skirts around this issue by not changing the past.

Your future memories are the best possible outcome so instead of changing anything, you’re simply following the thread to the best future possible which has already happened in your future memories.

Confusing?  Yes.  They don’t explain all that in the movie, it’s more implied than anything.  I think it would make a better book so people understand this a little better.

But this is so similar to what I was going through during the fall of 2015.  If you read my posts from back then, I was purposely writing to my future self to help me out.  To send me strength or answers, or both.  I was praying to myself because according to ayahuasca, there is no god, just us.  This doesn’t make me an atheist, it’s just that, well, it’s too complicated to get into at the moment.  And I vowed never to get transfixed with crazy preach speech again.

Screw it, one more time I’ll try to explain my interpretation of God when I intuited it from ayahuasca.

God is the universe.  That’s probably a universal understanding, nothing new there.  But what exactly is the universe?

Our technology today can measure just about anything.  We can measure the static residue caused by the big bang and figure out how old the universe is, and how big it’s becoming.  Basically according to science, the universe is a finite, measurable place.  It’s measurable because it had a beginning.

Now lets look at what’s beyond the measurable/known universe.  What do you think is out there?

More universe, that’s what’s out there.

Now, just take a moment and think about this.  I mean really think about it.  If there’s more universe, an infinite universe, do you know what that means?  Do you know what that implicates?  It implies everything.  Literally everything is out there.

In other words, another you is out there.  It’s mathematically impossible for there not to be another you in an infinite sea of universes.  Not only that, but it’s impossible for there not to be an infinite number of you’s in an infinite sea of universes.

Everything exists.  Even Jesus.

But you may argue that these other replica’s of earth must abide by our laws of physics.  It’s impossible to turn water into wine no matter what world you live in.  And yes, that’s true if you’re speaking about our “known” universe, but all other universes can have their own set of laws.

Do you understand what I’m saying?  Everything exists.  Everything.  It’s like when I experienced my two seconds of emptiness (I know I talk about that a lot and it’s getting old), when I felt nothing but possibilities.  Nothing exists but possibilities.

Another way to interpret this infinity is to imagine an ape typing on a typewriter.  Given enough time, he’ll eventually type Hamlet word for word.  Not only Hamlet, but every book ever written, every book that was never written.

So when people believe in God, do they even know what that means?  Do they have any idea what god is?  How can you believe in something when you don’t even know what it is that you believe in?

After doing ayahuasca, belief in god or in any religion, is mind boggling baffling to me.

The universe is God.  If there are infinite universes, does that mean there are an infinite number of gods?

Instead of believing in god, I known for certain that I exist.  So I’m more comfortable believing in myself.  An infinite amount of Melanie’s all blogging simultaneous.

There’s this thing in physics called quantum entanglement.  Two completely separate particles act like one particle.  Whatever happens to one of them, happens to it’s twin.  Even lightyears apart.  None can explain this.

What if I’m quantumly entangled with all these infinite Melanie’s?  They can send me secret messages via gut-feelings?  What happens to their soul when they die?  Do we become one?

Ayahuasca also told me that I must believe in god in order for me not to go to hell.  It’s totally contradictory.  This I can not explain, or understand.

What I intuited is that I have to have complete faith in the “process” without any fear what-so-ever and the only way to get around the obstacle of fear is to believe in a higher power.  Absolute trust.

So, God exists and doesn’t exist at the same time.  It’s Schrodinger’s cat all over again.

Anyway, today is Wednesday night, technically Thursday.  The last time I went to work was on Sunday.  These last few days were blissful.

I actually have to finish charging my member clients because it’s the first of the month….it’s already 12:08 so I should do that.

I haven’t done my taxes like I said I would.  My reason being is that Groupon didn’t send me my tax statement yet.  It’s a valid excuse.  All my receipts are tally’d up just about so all I need to do is plug in the numbers.

I love my receptionist.  These past few days of bliss were made possible by her being there instead of me.

My only worries hanging over my head are:

  1. Doing my taxes
  2. Hiring another therapist

And that’s it.  Even with my two employee’s leaving me, the business will be fine.  They picked the best possible time to move on.  Is this due to that higher power ayahuasca mentioned?  Because I’m learning how to trust the process?

I don’t know.  All I know is that it is strange to see my life shaping up exactly how I want it to be.  It’s strange to think I can have my own house as soon as next year, and the time and money for travel and leisure.  It’s all happening, inch by painful inch.

Husband and kids were never meant for me, I never wanted them.  But why?  I don’t know why I don’t want them while everyone else I know does.  There has got to be something bigger taking place.  Is this part of trusting the process?  The things we desire, do these desires come from something outside ourselves?  They seeded themselves within us, making us believe we have a choice and that it came from us, our decision, but what if it has to do with the process?

Desire and addiction are not the same.  Addiction is the opposite of trust.  Addiction is ego, it’s filling the void where trust should be.

I don’t know, I feel like, I don’t know…..I don’t know about any of this.  But it’s so fun to think about.  How I can formulate an equation that the universe abides by.  A formula that if I crack it, would unlock every answer to every question.  Making my wildest dreams come true.

I should freaking charge the rest of my members.

I will NOT watch another movie on my jailbroken fire stick tonight.  I will NOT.  I especially will NOT write a 1400 word blog post about said movie.

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help, Strange & Unusual

I’m Not Hypoglycemic

My mom tested my sugar level a few days ago with her diabetes machine and it was perfectly normal.  I don’t have hypoglycemia, but I know for sure I can’t drink 12 beers anymore.

My moped came in the mail a few days ago.  It came in a big metal crate that I had to take apart with my tiny wrench and delicate hands.  My hands got all cut up in the process and once it was unboxed, the damn thing wouldn’t budge until I installed the front wheel and the handlebars.  It was cold and wet out, I was tired.  And I had to give a massage in a couple hours.

After 3 hours of unboxing and fitting the pieces together, I was completely covered in mud from the melty snow and having to sit in puddles.  I wheeled my moped into my bedroom for the time being and here it sits still.

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I’m supposed ride across the country on this thing?  I had to use a damn crowbar to get the front wheel on!  What am I supposed to do when I’m out in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire?  I’m not carrying around a damn crowbar, that’s for sure.

And they spelled “riding” wrong.  Not just once, but several times on a warning label printed to the bike.

img_4557

I can’t figure out the first bullet point, pay attention to natural protection when ridding in the field.  Say what?

********************

I’ve been so tired lately.  I know I’m always tired, but more so than usual.  Last night I fell asleep at 7:00.

I took a quiz online to tell me if I’m depressed but when I got to the end result page, they asked for my email address and wouldn’t give my results until I confirmed my email address and I said, “ah fuck it.”

I don’t feel depressed though, just really really tired.

I have to do my taxes.  I’m blogging instead and feel like taking a nap.  And I have to do some other things like fill out the online warranty for my bike, fill out a very long questionnaire about my credit card processing software I use at work.  If I don’t fill it out by tomorrow, I get fined.

My insurance company is doing an audit to see how much I pay my employee’s and if it matches up with what I told them.

Two of my employee’s who’ve been with me for the last 3 years are quitting.  One got offered a managerial position and the other is opening up her own spa.  It didn’t come as a shock as they both told me months prior.  And one of them only works 10 hours a week (and rarely gets requests) so she’s not a huge loss.

It’s just that I have all these little (big) things to do that I can never relax.

The receptionist I hired recently, my friend Jill, I don’t know how I managed without her.  I don’t know how I got through last month, massaging all my clients, massaging the onslaught of couples massages, cleaning, organizing, restocking, answering the phone…..

December feels like a millennia ago.  So much has changed, has gotten better, but every time I see improvement, a new worry crops up.  I need to find a full time morning therapist who can also work Sundays.  I need her by March.  And she HAS to be good.

I need to do taxes not only for my current business, but for my last business as well – the one I closed down due to inappropriate behavior of one of my therapists.  It’s like having to do double taxes.

The shit doesn’t stop.

I had to massage 4 clients yesterday because my therapist took the day off due to her dog having puppies.  My employee, the one who is a close talker, annoyed me so much.  He makes what is called “small talk”.  I HATE small talk.  I hate when people get physically close to me.  And I’m starting to hate being touched.  Having to give 4 massages while having a bunch of other shit to do on top of it, and then having some guy in my face making “small talk” is enough to take me over the edge.

I don’t have to go to work until Friday night for one couples massage.  Today is Monday.  This is an improvement, a very noticeable one.  But like I said, I still have shit, I still worry.

As for my finances, it’s still too soon to tell if I can make it to April without going into debt.  (I sold 600 massages on Groupon last month and used that money to pay off $14,000 of debt which leaves me with no money to pay my employee’s with.)

If I can’t make it to April, I’m not going to go into actual debt but instead sell more groupons until everything evens out.  But in all honesty, it looks like I CAN make it to April without selling more groupons or dipping into my line of credit.  The business is finally slowing down and we’re not as booked up as before except on the weekend.

So my plan is to not sell anymore groupons until I replace my full-time therapist.  Once she’s been replaced, I can get away with selling at least 200 more couples massages for $12,200, and pay off the remainder of my debt by April.  I’m hoping to sell 100 couples massages at the end of February, and then another 100 at the end of March.  Space them out a bit.

I should fill out that goddamned questionnaire now before I get a stinking business fine.  Ridiculous.

My dog is taking up my whole bed and it’s pissing me off.

Just find one more therapist – that’s all I need.  I’m almost there, I’m almost free.

What will my life be like in April?  Will I be debt free?  Will I never have to work?  It’s incredible to think about how so much can change in 3 months.  So much has changed in just this last month, let alone 3.

Then I can start writing about my bizarre dreams again.  I had a few doozies that I wrote down, but they fade from memory if I don’t blog about them immediately.

 

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Filed under journal, rant, work

There’s Something to Behold in Silence

That sounds like a hackneyed line, but I Googled it and I assure you, it came straight from my own horse mouth.

All it takes is the first few lines of a book, a movie, a play.  The first few seconds before your brain forms a pattern/opinion of what you’re viewing.

There’s a glimmer of something that you lost, something that a good book can bring back to you.  It has everything to do with having a mind quiet enough to listen.

Something touched you and with that touch, you remember who you are.  Everything seems clear.

Without art, we lose ourselves.  We forget everything.  And with art, we lose ourselves, we forget everything – but in a good way.  A progressive way.

The only way to view art is through silence.  A cold wintery silence, breathing in arctic air that freezes your lungs until you cough up all your accumulated filth.

I lost something over the years.  It snowballed as time went by.  Constant work, incessant worry, doing a job I hate over and over and over again.  I was consumed by it.  It taken up every inch of me.

*******************************

Being an employee, working for someone else, is a different kind of stress.  Having set hours and going home, enjoying time off is all you need to sustain that “you” feeling.  But when you’re consumed, nothing of you is left.

When was the last time you felt truly free?

I thought about this and it had to be before I went into kindergarten, before having to do something mandatory.  I was 3 years old when I last tasted freedom.  But at 3 years old, you have to obey your parents, you can’t eat whatever you want, you don’t have a car or any money so you’re really not free at all.   But on the other hand, you don’t know what you’re missing so in a way, you are free.  Naivety brings you false freedom.

I feel like all of us have this naive false freedom because we never experienced the real thing.  We’re all 3-year-olds working to acquire new toys, building our ego’s with legos and our legacy’s with poopy diapers in a landfill.  Shit that doesn’t go away.

When you’re broke, in-between jobs, consumed by stress – You’re not free.  Your worry owns you, debt owns you, your future owns you.  You smoke pot to mellow out so people think you’re a chill enlightened hippie who doesn’t care about money or status.  But you do care, everyone cares.  Unless addiction is the crutch that consumes you.  And false freedom is the torch that guides you.

Addiction and false freedom is like getting buried in dirt.  Having it shoveled on you.

When you land your dream job, marry the love of your life, have all the money you’ll ever need, are you free then?

No.  People are never satisfied.  Never.  People live a really long time now and things have the tendency of falling apart in the span of a really long time.

I’m working on my goal of absolute freedom – as close as I can get to it anyway.  I’m only months away from it now.  Four months to be precise, but it’s more like 2.

What kind of person will I unearth?

Having no responsibility, what will shape me?  What will direct my next move when I already have everything?

That glimmer of silence found in those first few lines of narrative, before your brain scuffs it up with patterns and opinions.  Before we can build it up or break it down,  I want to live in that silence.  While the world is a whirlwind before my eyes.

 

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Self-diagnosed hypoglycemic

My brain doesn’t want to function today.  I’m clumsy, having trouble remembering things, trying hard not to slur my words – it’s bad.

I’m sure a lot of tired, over-worked people say that their brains don’t want to function, but when I say it, it’s quite literal.

Today marks the second time in my life where I felt like I might die from alcohol poisoning.  The first time I encountered this, I’m pretty sure I wrote a post about it entitled “Melanie gets alcohol poisoning” and I written it at least 2 years ago.

This second time around (not as bad as that first time), I decided to do some research and found out that that my glucose levels were dangerously low.  Our brains don’t function without glucose.  Every single symptom I had matched up with hypoglycemia and even the cause of the attack matched.

The worst of these symptoms involves a sheer unadulterated terror of dying.  You think water boarding is torture?  Try low glucose.

I hope I don’t get permanent brain damage from a glucose shortage.

The cure to this?  I have to eat a lot of carbs and drink sugary beverages – basically enlarging my ever widening ass.

Exercise causes low blood sugar, alcohol, caffeine, carb-free diet fads, any diet in general really.

I’m never drinking again.  I really mean it this time.  I drank 12 beers last night and I felt wonderful.  My friend tested my blood sugar by the end of the night and it was at 98 (after drinking 12 beers), but the thing with that is, it doesn’t start dropping until hours later while I’m sleeping and I wake up with a scary histamine headache and an inability to comprehend human speech.  I can telepathically communicate with dogs though.

It takes 16 hours for the liver to fully process all the alcohol out of my system and after that 16 hour period, my liver can start making glucose again (or whatever it does, I forgot already).  I went 16 hours without the ability to produce glucose.

It’s 11:13 PM and I’m feeling better, but there’s still a lingering panic.  Not like the death panic I had earlier, but about my business.

I hired so many people and I used the groupon money to pay off $21,000 of debt, where now I’m left in that horrible gray area of not knowing if the business can survive these rash decisions.

If the business can survive these next 4 months (the groupons expire in 4 months), it’ll be a success.  I can permanently end all worry pertaining to my business.  I’ll still worry but it’ll be about my parents getting old, where my life is headed, if I got residual brain damage from this last hypoglycemic attack…etc, etc.

Drinking 12 beers and almost killing myself was not the worst thing I did last night.  You want to hear the worst thing?  I’ll tell you anyway.

My dear friend whom I was visiting yesterday asked me (when I was over-the-wall inebriated) if she can work for me and I gave her my stupid toothy grin and said “sure!”.

My brain, although half-way dead and poisoned at the time, still managed to preform its stunning micro-minute “think before you speak” response (my sugar was still normal at the time) and it reasoned “I trust this girl.  If I don’t hire her now, she might find a different job and I’ll regret it later.  I can’t leave my business unattended or it’ll burn and fizzle into a fiery hell pit of regret where I’ll live in squalor and die penniless and alone with a weighted cement-filled chest cavity replete with a side salad of suicidal slaw.

After I responded with “Sure!” and having my micro-minute think session, I told her “The job is $12.50 an hour 10-2 Monday through Friday.”

She fired back:  “That’s perfect.”

We agreed right then and there that we shall go to work the very next day (today) and train.  I trained her during my glucose shortage attack.  Without eating, and after drinking coffee which only acerbated the problem not to mention I slept for a total of 10 minutes because I couldn’t stop picking at my damn cuticles.

It taken me two and a half hours going over everything with her, at least, that’s what I said once the clock chimed 12:30.  Then I remembered more stuff to tell her and another hour went by.  I’ve never taken the time to train anybody so thoroughly.  My reasoning behind that being; if I make it simple, they’ll think it simple.

But anyway, then how you ask, is this decision the worst thing that happened to me last night other than almost killing myself?  Because now, no matter how much sense it made at the time and even now it makes sense still, It was a bad decision because it’s causing me panic.

The saying “slippery slope” is playing on a loop in my head like listening to the worlds worst iPod Shuffle.

“Slippery slope Mel, you’re on a slippery slope.  Don’t forget the slope is slick.  Slick and down you go.”

“Evil august 2015, you remember that?  This feels similar, yes?  Making the same mistakes?  Biting off too much to chew?  Are we ready to see your money all gone this time next month?”  (Each question getting higher and higher in pitch).

I annoy myself better than anyone else can.  Man, what a douche I can be.

I’ve been through this shit before so I know how to handle it this second time around.  It’s always about making a choice.  I’m choosing that my business will succeed – I choose that.  At all costs, it will prevail these trying times.  I’m giving myself no other option.

This kind of mentality stops my panic dead in its tracks.  There’s so much power behind it.  I know how I sound right now, I know I sound nuts again…..

Maybe if I put it a different way;  Like for instance, when I say “at all costs”, to me those words mean an infinite array of chances.  An infinite throng of opportunities, making it quite literally, impossible to fail.  There exists too many ideas and variables that are fully in my control, making the fate of my business entirely my doing (or undoing).

It’s like this;  Sometimes you can’t predict the situations being thrust upon you – it’s as the great saying goes, Shit Happens.  But it’s solely your responsibility on how to handle said shit.  Even if it doesn’t belong to you, it’s literally impossible for you not to react to it.  If you choose not to react, guess what?  No reaction is still a reaction and it’s nobody else’s but your own, hence the responsibility.  And with great responsibility comes great power.

You’re only a victim if you choose not to fight.

Did someone leave a baby on your doorstep?  Well, that baby might not be yours but you’re definitely responsible for him now (at least by bringing him inside and calling the authorities).

I got that last little bit from a book.  I think it’s called “How to not give a fuck.”

Shit, I need to go to sleep god damn it.

But what I’m trying to say is that we are responsible for the choices we make.  And by knowing you’re responsible, creates your personal power juice bank.  Why is this?  Awareness of responsibility, breeds choice.  The more you hold yourself accountable for your actions, can breed a litter of choice puppies – ways out, puzzles solved, stresses put to their final resting place.

Oh shit I really have to sleep now.

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Filed under journal, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work