Phase III Initiated

I might be dumb, I might be a lot of things.  But there comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to make a choice.

**********************

 

I just hired my last and final therapist.  Someone who can rip the nails out from my coffin, bringing me to life again.

With her here, she is the missing piece.  The last to my jigsaw.  I no longer have to massage anybody for the rest of my life.  My prayers have been answered.

While I was massaging today I kept thinking to myself, – “Thank you Jesus,  Oh thank you Jesus.”

I know what’s happening here.  I think it’s a form of transference.  When you project your hopes onto a false reality.  It’s why so many people blindly believe in organized religion (I still love Hinduism and Judaism, don’t get me wrong).  It’s a hope that you want to believe in so badly, that you end up donating your entire life savings to.

I’m about to donate my entire life savings on such a hope.  The hope of entering into Phase III.

What’s Phase III?

Phase I was hiring employee’s to work for me.

Phase II was taking myself off the online scheduler.

Phase III is taking myself entirely off the schedule.  Including clients who request me.

Phase III is freedom, that’s what Phase III is.  And according to my limited scope of reality, it’s here.

I’m laying in bed.  Inconsolably tired and aching at 10:30pm after working from 9:30am until 8 o’clock at night.  I work these hours just about every single day.

I decided today that I’ve paid my due’s.  Whatever bad karma I did in my past life that caused me having to massage thousands of people in this life, well, I’ve met my quota dear friend.  I wash my hands of it.  My soul is so fucking clean you can eat off it like it’s goddamn kitchen floor tile.

I’m sorry, my brain is liquified.

I picked a day that I will cross-over into Phase III and that day is January 1, 2017.  Next month.  Which means that all the clients who request me this month, can’t rebook with me next month.  It’ll be like breaking up with 32 people.

A few weeks ago, I decided to prep a little for my cross-country trip by counting all the clients who request me.  I wanted to have a list of them ready so that way, when it came time to notify them that I’ll no longer be massaging, I’ll be prepared.

I have approximately 32 clients who absolutely love me and refuse to see anyone else.

Think about it.  Just think that these poor people who pay me, who only take an hour out of my life a month will now be denied access simply because I don’t want to do it anymore.

Client – “But Mel, it’s only for an hour, I’ll work around your schedule!  I’ll pay you extra!”

Me – “No no no, I don’t want to.”

I mean, what kind of monster am I?

I have 3 of these people that I have to face tomorrow.  All of them will be hard to handle.  It’s like it’s my last test of strength – the hardest test of all.  I completely buckle, I’m a wet noodle when it comes to saying no.

I don’t deserve them anyway.  It they read my blog, they wouldn’t want me.

But the thing is, everything has to come to an end at some point.  People move away, get laid off, don’t have the time – whatever the reason may be, they’ll eventually stop seeing me.  It doesn’t matter what the reason is, they will all eventually stop.  And then new ones crop up.  A continuous cycle.

It ultimately DOES NOT MATTER how it ends, how ANYTHING ends.  We all have a single destination and that place is called change.

I have to send them all a group email so that way no one feels like they’re being singled out.  So they don’t take it personally, like they’re the only one’s being rejected.  There’s safety in numbers.

I hope I have my brain back by the time I write the letter.  It’s awfully soggy as of late.  Damn 60 hour work weeks….

But yes, January 1st, 2017 is quite literally a fresh new start to bigger and brighter adventures.  Having it land on New Years Day couldn’t be anymore perfect.

But what was I saying in the beginning?  I may be dumb?  Well, what I’m about to do might be the dumbing thing I’ve ever done.  All based on one girl who told me (yesterday) that she wants to work 12-5 Wednesday thru Saturday.  A girl who is young, smart, and experienced – my perfect replacement.  She has yet to tell me when she can start work.

Yes, I’m majorly stupid, majorly projecting my hopes.  But this nonsense has got to stop.

Oh shit now I’m worrying myself that she’s not going to call back.    >.<

Another stupid thing I did was pay off my Amazon credit card bill which brings my total debt down to $27,300.  It’s stupid because, what if I still need that money?  It’s gone now.

I have to sleep.  Tomorrow is a big day, a long day.  But my fantasies and daydreams never felt more brilliant and real.  Thank you delusion!

1 Comment

Filed under journal, work

I’ve been wearing the same shirt everyday for the last two weeks!

Without washing it!  Without washing it!!

I’ve been  enthusiastically telling everyone about this shirt and instead of them being impressed or amazed, they laugh and look at me like I’m crazy.  And then I look at them like they’re crazy.  How can they not be amazed?  My shirt is a call for celebration!  It’s a goddamned tribute to human accomplishment!

Mom – “It’s going to walk off without you in it.”

Me – “But it’s amazing!”

It’s not just a regular shirt.  It’s a state of the art, technologically advanced, secret organic fillion-made super shirt and I’m apparently the only person in the word in awe of it.

Me and Mollie were giving a four-handed massage to one of our old faithful member clients.

Me – “You want to hear something cool?”

Client – “What?”

Me – “I’ve been wearing this shirt everyday for the last two weeks!”

They both crack up in hysterics.

Mollie – “Why would you bring that up now?”  She said in-between gasps of laughter.  “Oh my god Melanie.”  It looked like she was crossing her legs trying not to pee.

***************************

It’s now November 26th.  A week or two after starting this post.  I’ve been wearing this t-shirt for at least 21 days now.  I ordered another just like it and a long-sleeve shirt too.  Knowing me, I’d make these shirts my official wardrobe.  Three lonely shirts hanging in my closet next to an array of hoodies that amazingly enough, also never get dirty.

Okay, enough about my shirts.  Let’s focus on me for a change.  The girl inside the shirt.

I’m exhausted and cranky (what else is new?).  I fired one of my new hires because she was beginning to piss me off.  It’s not worth the effort writing about it, I’m just glad she’s gone.  She was a flippin’ loony toon.

My new male therapist is great, clients love him, my co-workers love him, but he’s a close talker.  Whenever I ask him a simple question, he mounts his face right up to my own and proceeds to answer my question with his awful breath.  I swear I’m not embellishing any of this – it’s so absurd that it’s comical, but not comical while it’s happening.  Just the way he walks over to me, to get so close to me – shoulder to shoulder.  It’s like his breath is his way of saying “fuck you” to me.

He was talking to me one day while I was busy and/or just wanted quiet thinking time and I got up and hid in a massage room where I carried out playing on my iPhone.  I felt guilty as fuck, but I’m at my wit’s end.  The more therapists I have, the more I have to over-see, and I’m still massaging a great deal of people.  If I stop to talk to someone, I forget what I was doing or what I have to do.  There’s always something I forgot to do.  So I get short with my therapists and even with my clients sometime.

( I just remembered I have to email a client!)

I’m so tired and it’s only 5:30 at night.  My co-workers client didn’t show up today so I passed my client on to her.  This is my first night of relaxation in a long time.  Thanksgiving wasn’t relaxing so that doesn’t count.  I was supposed to go over to my friends house after dinner but that didn’t happen, I’m supposed to go to a friends house tonight but that’s not happening either.  I’m too miserable.  Too bitchy.  Nobody should ever see me like this.  I can’t move anyway.

This is why I can’t massage anymore – I’m incapable of fake smiling, always have been.  I’m incapable of anything fake.  That’s why I come off as a cranky bitch.  Either I’m a cranzy (accidentally mixed crazy with cranky) bitch or a non-personality, blank empty eyed person.  Completely hollow.  Wilted and beaten.  It’s literally bad for my business to continue like this.  It’s bad for life.

I miss myself.

My bank account on the 19th of this month was around $9,921 if my memory serves correctly, but it doesn’t matter what it was.  This month I spent a gargantuan amount of money on furnishing the new massage room.  $600 alone just on the carpet, $300 at home depot, $150 at Pier One, $300 at Ikea, $175 for the security deposit.  Then I bought the Playstation VR for $530, renewed my massage insurance for $250, paid $700 in quarterly taxes, $800 on a marketing stunt (which I’ll make back), several more hundred on random Amazon buys.  And I’m finishing the month with paying off my Sears bill of $1600.

But here’s the thing….the new massage room is completed.  I have therapists on the schedule, ready to take clients.  These two things mean that I can really let loose with selling those Signature couple’s massages on Groupon.  We’ll be able to keep up even with a massive flood of them.  My debt is seeing it’s last and final days.  I’m roughly $31,000 in the hole.

This is it.  The only thing I have to be careful of is that my therapists get paid 3 times instead of 2 next month.  Normally I’d be shitting bricks due to this fact, but since those couple’s massages are selling like hot cakes, and it being December (the most lucrative time of year), I can actually get away with paying my therapists 3 times and paying a little extra towards my debt.

If I can pay it all off by April 1st, good, that’s great.  That would make it exactly one year of my life I spent paying off $50,000 of debt.  But it’s more likely to happen in June.  If I pay it all off by June, that makes my cross-country trip difficult and highly improbable.  I’d be cutting my trip really close to fall.  And I’ll be traveling on a mo-ped, carrying the least amount of warm clothing as possible.

But I have to do this.  I HAVE to take this stupid trip.  I can’t wait for another year to revolve.

If my debt is paid off by June, I quit massaging and hire a receptionist.  This might be an impecunious, tumultuous time if I don’t play my cards right.  To leave the business for nearly a month after such an abrupt change in finances to literally go “joy riding” might be a bad idea.

But knowing me, I’d take that risk.  I’d live on spam and sleep outside on park benches.  Anything to make it happen.  It’s really, the only thing I have to look forward to.  It’s either eat spam and sleep on a park bench, or give up and just die already.

That’s a glimpse of just how sick and tired I am.  Eating spam on a park bench sounds amazing.

I can’t write anymore.  Writing, I think, is still the only thing I really strive for.

If only you were in my shoe’s, you’d know I don’t have the capacity for anything right now.

I sincerely hate massaging people, hate waking up early to have to massage a string of people.  Keeping up with phones, laundry, emails, messes, schedules, annoying therapists, paperwork, payroll, angrily hanging up on telemarketers.  Then having the general malaise of worry.  Thinking that I forgot to do something.  Take out the trash, clean the bathrooms….

Annoying therapists who invade my personal space to ask me how my thanksgiving was while I can vividly smell his dinner from last night being broken down by stomach acids.

My other therapist telling me her son is sick and she doesn’t know if she can work tomorrow.

I forgot to do something….what was it?

I have to email a client.

I can’t do this anymore.  I really can’t do this anymore.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, rant, Travel, work

I wanted to write about something else entirely but wrote this instead

I sold my soul these past few months (or years, who’s keeping track?) to accomplish something in order to accomplish something completely unrelated.  Goals that have nothing to do with massaging anybody.

You know what I hate the most?  Patience and conformity.  And that’s exactly what I’m doing each time I have to give a massage.  It’s like each massage is a therapy session in anger management and eating my humble pie.

I just started reading a book, it’s called “Presence” by Amy Cuddy and I HIGHLY recommend it.  It’s not one of those wishy washy metaphysical books about the law of attraction or creative visualization, this book talks more about the science behind what makes us tick.

There’s so many awesome things in this book, all of them tried and tested on actual human volunteers to back up these theories.

One of them for instance, is why do we have expressions?  But digging deeper than that, the stuff that expert lie detectors look for, are minute nano-expressions that give away a persons true intentions and feelings.  Our subconscious mind picks up on these escaped “nano” expressions and when we witness them, although we witness them subconsciously, we intuitively feel that person’s emotion due to our mirror neurons mimicking that same expression on our own face (even without our knowledge).  We wouldn’t feel their true intention if we didn’t also share that same expression the same moment the offender leaked it.

They tested this with people who just had botox injections.  Their faces were paralyzed and thus didn’t allow for these inconceivable micro expressions to be mimicked and because they couldn’t mimic, they were unable to pick up the true feelings and intent of the person in question.  Their intuition escaped them.  But it’s not intuition at all, it’s the fact that we can subliminally mimic other people’s expressions.  It’s not about trusting our “gut”, although it may feel that way, but it’s actual science at play behind the curtain.

I’m some-what manipulative at times, but I use this harmless evil for good.  When clients balk about this past election, no matter who they voted for, I mimicked their expression, understood exactly where they were coming from and agreed with them.  I did this for both Hilary and Trump fans.  No hair was raised on the back of anyones neck and fangs didn’t show, I taken the slick way out.

“There’s no way he’ll win, what kind of America will allow that?”  Or, “Trump at least tells it like it is, that’s for sure.  He wants to give America back to the people.”

It’s all BS, Hillary was better suited for the job, anyone could see that just by watching the debates.  But she was lacking likability and trustworthiness which was another awesome thing Amy talked about it her book, Presence.

As it turns out, according to numerous studies, there are two types of people in the world.  There are trustworthy people and then there are competent people.  We are unable to process a person in existence being both trustworthy and competent.  They contradict each other.

(This fits so well into the election this year).

The thing is, a competent person is less liked by the majority due to their ability to manipulate.  They might be trustworthy, but we don’t know for sure due to their high intelligence and manipulation skills.

For instance, it’s like saying, “How can you be so sure of that? How can you pull that off?  What if you’re just manipulating us?”

Whereas, a more likable person, a more trustworthy person, one who doesn’t hide nano-expressions, doesn’t hide anything, will spout his hopes, dreams and dislikes – at times, incoherently, but we trust him because of his fallibility.  His lack of intelligence to manipulate and schmooze.  Even if it means being an ignorant asshole.

The book explains it a hell lot better that I can.

And given a choice on whether to be competent or trustworthy, mostly everybody picks competence.  But even the highest achievers at MIT end up in menial positions due to their lack of social skills.  Competence equals untrustworthiness.  It equals lack of control to the little guys.  How can we control anything if we don’t know what’s really going on?

The fear of looking foolish kills personality and humility, trust is the only thing that matters.

But here is my TRUE reaction when watching the debate last Tuesday:  The setting?  At my friend Jill’s house with her Mother and her boyfriend all chain smoking, biting their nails freaking out that Hillary might lose.  Me?  I was secretly excited for one reason and one reason only; this is going to be a damn entertaining 4 years ahead of us.

Me thinking:  If this guy wins, ANYTHING can happen.  It’s a Simpsons episode, it’s not real.  Life is truly a dream of comical insane circumstances where all and anything you dream up is possible.

Hillary would’ve been just another boring president, making nice and calling the safest rational shots – the most coherent shots relevant to our current political views, but with Trump, he’s a loose cannon and knows shit about diplomacy.

Oh god there’s so much I want to write about but my brother gave me a Xanax and damn, my whole body is asleep except for my fingertips typing.

I hired a bunch of new therapists and my sick therapist is back taking clients, so my schedule has freed up a great deal.  I wish I can write about that.  I want to write about how awesome my day was today.

But I’m physically incapable.

Let me just write real quick about what else this books says; being present, being calm and level-headed, has to do with being an observer of the world.  The calmest, most clear thinkers  view others and not themselves when conversing.  They rarely say “I” or “me”, it’s always about the person they are interacting with.  It’s the anxious, depressed people who transfix and focus on themselves, giving little room for anything else.  Basically the selfish and fearful.

In my opinion, it’s the people who don’t know how to love.  (I’ll possibly write a post about that).

I already knew this!  I learned this trick way back and yes, I learned it because I broke down my own anxiety and self-conscious foibles into understanding that it’s a selfish derivative.  Only made real in my own mind.  The answer is out, not in.

She also stated that trauma is caused by a lost battle.  I recently learned this one, but I learned it before reading her take on it.  Of course she can back up her words with fancy studies, interviewing and testing volunteers and the like, whereas I just philosophized.  Poorly at that, but still….

I love reading books like this.  Books that I’m like, “yes exactly!”  It makes me feel less alone out there.  That others spend just as much time, if not more, on delving into the science behind the mind.  Stuff that’s not found in books yet.

Oh god I have to sleep….

I wanted to write about the Banach-Terski paradox amongst other things, it’ll have to wait.  Oh how I miss writing….

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics

Fuck the election

I just taken an oxycodone.  I know nothing about narcotics, only that this one is pretty popular.  My friend gave it to me a while back and I tucked it away for a rainy day.

I wanted to do some research before gulping it down and I found out that if I crush this little bugger instead of swallowing it, I can die.  My friend forgot to mention that little nugget of trivia.  If I chew and swallow, I might never wake up.

It’s 8:33 PM.  Well, actually it’s really 9:33 because of daylight savings.  We just fell behind today.

This pill is time-released.  That’s why you can’t chew it.  You shouldn’t even cut it in half.

I’m starting to get very sleepy.

That post I wrote, the one with the $$$ as its title, I just want to clarify that it’s still too early to know for certain if I’m actually netting $100 a day.  It’s too soon to tell.  It’s on par with someone announcing on Facebook that they’re one week pregnant.  Or that their boyfriend had just inserted his penis and taken it back out and now there might be babies (smiling and celebratory emoji’s).

Most pregnancy’s don’t even make it to full term, so this new found success of mine is like a week old fetus, not even that.  It’s the sperm still in the sack.  And not even a healthy sack.  It’s a 300 pound 40 year old virgins sack is where my success is.  Basically non-existant.

I’ve been working a lot.  An insane amount.  The president of the United States works less than I do and thus, the oxycodone that now resides in my gut.  Gently eking out blissful lullaby’s.

I need MORE therapists.  Here’s who I hired so far:  Karyl, Patricia, Igor, Debora, Austin and Lori.  All within the last 30 days.

And it’s still not enough.

I finally felt it today, the anger welling up inside.  It was unbearable and I hate myself for it.  How can I be angry that my business is busy?  How can I be angry that clients like us and that I finally have some extra dough?

Because I hate giving massage.  I hate it, detest it, I loathe it, abhor it.  And while I’m massaging, the phone goes unanswered, the emails, unchecked.  My new employee’s are clueless as to what to do (I haven’t had time to train them).

With each client I massage, I sink further and further into a wretched venomous anger.  I feel my horns, the scales on the back of my throat, an acidic burn.  I become the embodiment of evil.  Miserable.  The most miserable wretched person.  The most ungrateful, naive, spoilt bratty prat.

I don’t often feel anger and it’s amazing that I feel it under these circumstances – having to give copious amounts of massage.  I mean, who gets angry over that?  I mean really angry?  As much as I do?

One of my new therapists got booked last minute for a half-hour massage today and she asked if someone else can take it (aka me).  I wanted to punch her.

That’s what sparked my anger, my outrage, by her asking that.  Of course I said no.  What I really wanted to say was, “are you fucking kidding me?”

I was angry for the rest of the day, until I finished with my last client.  All because she asked that.

I added another massage room to the lease.  It’s a real shit-hole.  The amount of work that needs to be done is seismic.  And we need that room set up as soon as humanly possible so every time I have to massage someone, I get angry.  I get angry because I have NO TIME for anything.

Two of my co-workers asked if I was Okay – I had no idea, literally no clue, my aggravation was showing on the outside.

People are so caught up in the election.  Fuck the election.  I don’t give a shit about the election.  Literally, this year feels like a civil war between Trump and Hillary fans.  If you’re a Trump fan, Hillary fans will smite you, belittle you, call you names and same goes for Trump fans.  And it’s such a close race that the entire election is based off of smear campaigns.  Whoever has the biggest most recent scandal on Tuesday will be the loser.  Last week, Trump had the biggest scandal but this week, Hillary’s is bigger (maybe not bigger, but more recent).  It doesn’t matter how big the scandal is, as long as it’s not in todays paper, you’re safe.  Your policies don’t matter, only your character.  Only trust matters.  And only if you can be trusted TODAY.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.

I think all Trump and Hillary supporters are idiots (sorry 85% of my Facebook friends).

Holy shit I’m tired.

I’m just tired, period.  Even without the oxycodone, I’m sick and tired.  Sick and tired thinking my reprieve is right over this last and final hill I have to climb.  It’s never the last and final hill, there’s always another.  And that’s where my anger comes from.

This little pill is acting like a sleeping pill, not much else is happening.  No euphoria or anything like that.  It’s BS.  At least my back’s no longer hurting.

I was cruising Facebook earlier and found out that China has a tradition of eating dogs for one week a year.  The facebook post was a petition to get it stopped.  The dog eating begins in 7 days.  There were pictures of dogs getting boiled alive and set on fire alive, I can NOT read stuff like that.  Each year, less and less Chinese are attending the event.  Most of them find it sickening.  There are protesters everywhere, it’s not a safe celebration anymore with so many activists these days and knowing that, makes me feel better.

But I can’t stop hugging and kissing my dog now.  I feel like by me loving him so much and taking care of him, I’m somehow helping the poor dogs in China, and the poor starving strays worldwide actually.  Like I’m giving them a big hug too.

If only I can see people the way I see dogs, you know what I mean?  People suffer too, they’ve been burned, molested, tortured….people suffer every day.  But you don’t see me hugging and kissing people like I’m hugging and kissing my dog (and all the dogs of the world).

I don’t get it.  Maybe people cancel each other out.  People make other people suffer, so by me loving people, that means I’m also loving the abusers, the molesters, the narcissists.  Yes, people definitely cancel each other out.  When I hug one person, it’s not like I’m hugging all the people in all the world.  Not like when I hug my dog.

 

2 Comments

Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work

Random Memes 

Leave a comment

Filed under humor

$$$

$8,826.  That’s how much money I had in the bank October 18th (yesterday).  Last month I had $5,793, a difference of $3,033.

Why so much?  Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.  I did sell a few signature couple’s massages by sending out a mass email to 3,000 subscribers, but that still doesn’t account for such a large hike.  I haven’t made any big purchases this month and one of my employee’s left us for a retail position, so I’ve been massaging a lot more.

Was my ex-employee stealing from me?  Is that it?  In combination with her leaving and with me taking her clients instead, explain why I have so much more money this month?

And I have even more than $8,826!  I have a little over $500 in cash stashed away from this past week that I have yet to deposit.

I sold a few signature couple’s massages on Groupon and so I’m expecting a check of $3,300 to be deposited in my account tomorrow.

But I don’t get it….how did I make so much?

I’m saving around $1000 by massaging Amaris’s clients (my therapist who left), I made at least $1000 from those couples massages I sold with the email burst, so that’s $2000 and well, no, I guess that’s right.  Yeah, I legitimately made an extra $2000 this month.  I just figured it out.

But I’m not ruling out that my employee stole from me.  She could have set up her own square account and ran credit cards through it without me knowing, having the money go directly into her account and pass the client off as having a groupon or GC.

I’m setting up a new system that would make doing this IMPOSSIBLE.  I caught her in a few questionable acts before, that’s what’s causing my suspicion and plus I find it hard to believe that the excess of money is all from me working more.

Since I hired 3 new therapists, it won’t be hard to implement my new protocol on how to handle GC’s and Groupons – “It’s a way for me to easily keep track now that so many people work here, I needed a better system.”

I should have around $9,000 in the bank next month once my rent check is cashed.  $9000 at the beginning of the month.

Why $9,000?  I have $7,600 now, plus $3300 from groupon would make it $10,900.  Minus next months rent brings it down to $9,025.  I have a couple more bills to pay this month and I plan on making at least $700 – $1000 now until the 31st which will pay for these bills.  So yeah, $9,000 sounds about right.

July 18th when I wrote “Day Off Ramble”, I had zero dollars in the bank planned for August 1st.  And now I have $9,000?  If I break that down day by day, that’s a span of 90 days, $9,000 divided by 90 is $100.  So I make a net income of $100 a day.  This is net income after spending money.  Once every bill is paid, supplies restocked, beer bought, fun nights out deducted, I still have a net worth of $100 a day.  It’s more like a net NET worth.

This, to me, sounds like very good news.  And that’s not even the start of the good news!

I sold signature couples massages for about a week on Groupon along with a regular massage for a single person, and in that one week alone I made the business over $5,000 (groupon holds a portion of the money, that’s why I’m only getting $3000).  And the business isn’t phased with an on-slaught of clients.  I didn’t sell enough of them to cause an onslaught.

Which means I made the business $5000 without going into Groupon debt.

Things are going good.  Really good.  And when things go good, my trust plummets.  I don’t trust it.  And my most pressing trust issues are with not having enough therapists on the schedule.  I want clients to be able to book!

My most requested therapist is in the hospital, another employee is dropping two of her days (hopefully temporarily), last month that other employee left, all of this happened suddenly without warning.  I went into freak-out mode.  This afternoon while driving to work, I was near terrified.

It felt on-par with evil August of last year, the terror I felt.

“I need therapists but what can I do?  I put an ad on Indeed, the newspaper, Craigslist, SEG career services, and the 4-day free trial of Ziprecruiter.  All I can do now is wait.”

When something is out of my hands, I become the Imp in impatience.  Banging fists, muttering to myself.  What’s an imp anyway?  A mischievous child, a devil, a sprite.

I’m an imp trying to conjure up plans and scheming.  Doing EVERYTHING in my power to fix things.  It has been 6 days since my therapist went to hospital but it feels like weeks.

One of my new hires sent me an email this afternoon of all the days she can work in November and another therapist is working on cutting back hours at her other job so she can work here.

I sent an email to all our member clients explaining the situation I’m in with my sick therapist whom most of them love.

Honestly, I did everything I can think of.  And when my new therapist sent me her availability earlier today, I was beyond thankful.

My emotions are strong when it comes to feeling anything at all, I feel everything so strongly, so sharply.  They’re never muddled or unclear.  My thoughts on most topics aren’t muddled or unclear, so why should my emotions be?

They’re like daggers.

And now what am I feeling?  Thankful and hopeful now that my new therapist is on the schedule more often.

I’ve made the decision to go out on a limb and have more therapists working here, placed on the schedule, than needed.  This shortage will never happen again.

Once my sick therapist is back on the schedule, I’m quitting massage for good.

My landlord is working hard to clear out the extra massage room that I’ve added to my lease.  I can start decorating it as soon as it’s been cleared.  It needs a carpet and to be painted and both of these can be purchased through the Barter Network, costing me little money (and little work).

I’m beyond excited about decorating this new room.  It’s large enough for two massage tables and a 2-person sauna!

I consulted the I-Ching on October 11, two days before my sick therapist went to the hospital and it said that I’ll have “great relief once the ordeal is over”.  In the second hexagram, the one about the future, it says I’ll “install helpers and set armies marching.”  But the 6th being in first place tells me whatever happens, I can NOT brag.  It says that I’m really enthusiastic right now, but my enthusiasm will turn into egotistic emotions.

I-Ching – “Enthusiasm is only justified when it is a general feeling that unites one with others.”

I don’t have enthusiasm to be united with anyone, I have it for quitting massage, paying my debt, and taking my grand cross-country adventure next year.  It has nothing to do with uniting with others.  Although, it would be a nice bonus once my plans are complete.

I don’t feel like I ever brag, but I do take pride in my business.  But once my plan takes effect, once I’m retired from massage, and I’m taking my long journeys, I might start bragging.  I’ll only do it if my head isn’t clear and I feel inferior for some reason.  Like, even though I’ve succeeded, I’m still miserable.  I still fall short of happy even after all I’ve done.

Then I guess I’d start bragging.  I mean, could you blame me?  You seen these last 6 years on my blog.  If my dreams really do come true, and I’m still unhappy after all these years of trying……

No, I just can’t see it happening.  I’m happy right now!  Mainly because my new therapist is on the schedule.  With dagger-like emotions such as these, I always get these shards and splinters of sunshine.  They break off and lodge in me.

I’m miserable but it’s situational misery, based on having to do something I’d rather not do.  As soon as the job is done or problem resolved, I’m shot up with a gatling gun of sun rays.  But the gatling gun makes holes in me, disrupting my natural structure, I stop trusting myself or what lies ahead.  Damn sunshine.

I always had to do things I didn’t want to do as far back as I can remember.  This misery really IS who I am.  And to just be able to sit back and be free from it all, there’s no structure or sense to it, you know?  Freedom from work means freedom from myself.  So I have to keep grasping and holding onto struggle, creating problems that aren’t there. Because my ego is afraid to die, my old self is afraid to die.

Rational Brain – “Everything sounded good until you started transfixing.”

I’m making analogy’s, okay?  I can’t explain it any other way.

But I am feeling hopeful.  Extremely hopeful that I can go on my adventure next year.

******************

It’s unseasonably warm out lately.  I wore sandals and a short-sleeve shirt today, I’d say it was somewhere in the 80’s.  Absolutely beautiful perfect day even though no autumn was in the air.

I got out of work early, thought I’d go hiking but decided against it.

I don’t like to do anything that I can’t commit to and devoting myself to exercise is one of them.  Why bother with doing it for one day only?  My time would be better spent by blogging and relaxing.

I need to eat dinner, my mom’s getting upset.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Well, shit.

One of my therapists is suffering from a weird rash on her arms.  It spread to under her nails and up her biceps.  Her doctor said they’ll probably fall off.  The nails, not the biceps.

Her – “Mel, just look at this!  Look at this!”

She pulled a ripped up crumpled piece of paper out of her purse.  A receipt for a prescription.

Her – “Isn’t this sick?  Look at the price!  It’s disgusting.  I ripped it up when I seen it and you know what my doctor said?  After I bought it?  To stop taking it, he has a better one that’s stronger.  Can you believe that?!  It’s disgusting.  Why didn’t he give me samples first?”

The prescription cost her over $1700.

She’s right.  It IS disgusting.  It makes me sick.

But you know the worst part?  She’s taking time off until she’s better.

I’m fuuuucked.

Fucked fucked fucked.

It’s weird that I hired those 3 ladies when I did.  I mean, I was following my instincts when I did it.  I felt a strong urge to hire new people as soon as possible and now, my most requested therapist is out of action.

But those 3 ladies aren’t enough to replace her.  I need a new therapist pronto or the whole business will crumble, or worse, I’ll be put back on the scheduler.

Yesterday I contacted 3 more ladies that applied on Indeed but I haven’t heard back from them yet.  I’m running out of options.

This is all happening 3 days after selling more couples massages on Groupon.

This is my life, it’s always going to be something.  But it could be worse, I could have a severe rash on my arms, lose my fingernails and pay $1700 on useless medicine.  I mean SHIT that sucks.  And for that to happen to a massage therapist?!

I’m miserable 75% of the time.  I’m sleeping for the other 25%.  But I should be freaking thankful!

I am thankful, I’m grateful, I’m relieved the business survived Evil August 2015, but I’m just so tired.

If only you knew….so many people request her…..and now it’s just Adonis, my male therapist, who works past 3pm everyday.  I NEED help.

This is just one more thing I have to finagle myself out of.  One last predicament before I can exhale from it all.

My problems at the moment are:  Too many clients, not enough therapists.  Most clients are MEMBERS who will soon cancel because they can’t book.

What I have to do:  Hire a new therapist ASAP, massage a bunch of people, keep the place clean, payroll, scheduling, taxes, stock, massage a bunch of people, return emails, texts, phone calls, paint new massage room, carpet new massage room, decorate new massage room, massage a shit ton of people, check email once every 30 minutes, go to the store to buy bleach and laundry detergent, order more ink for the printer, fix the 5 gallon lotion pump……Can’t fix the 5 gallon lotion pump so order a new one for $14.  Install it and get lotion all over yourself and then wash your hands with soap you need to refill.  Then give a 90-minute massage.  Clean the toilets.  Go home.

Never go outside, never wear any clothing besides all black massage attire.

So yeah, I can’t help being miserable 75% of the time.  I don’t complain though, only in my blog I complain.

And I started taking gummy vitamins that just so happens to also make me shit.  There’s no rhyme or reason to when this gummy shit will happen.  The only time I know for certain is two minutes into giving a massage.  After 2 minutes of starting any random massage, usually a 90-minute massage, I have to vehemently shit.

I switched to taking them at night, hoping it’ll work into my normal morning routine but no, I still have to vehemently shit 2-minutes into giving a massage.  No matter if I take them at night or in the morning.  Why?  WHY?!

I want to stop taking them but I’m so unbearably cheap that it feels like I’d be wasting money.  I bought 3 big bottles of them too.

I just decided to take one at night and one in the morning and see how that goes.

Always finagling myself out of something…..

***************************

I saw a worm in my driveway today.

You know how worms randomly appear on asphalt?  Usually after it rains?  Well, I seen one today, only, it was still alive.  Without hesitation I picked it up and threw it on the lawn before questioning what I was doing.

Me – “What the hell was that about?”

Rational Brain – “In the movie, Seven Years in Tibet, the Buddhist monks saved worms from being torn apart when Brad Pitt was digging the foundation to a movie theater.  Saving a worm isn’t crazy, don’t feel crazy.”

Me – “Gee, thanks Rational Brain.”

It’s just bizarre that a person like me, who’s miserly and sulky 75% of the time, just wants to be left alone, can pick up a dying worm without even thinking anything of it.  Of course I’m thinking now about it, but I mean really?  And if I really think about it, I’d rather pick up a dying worm instead of a lucky penny.  You know, if they were side by side.  A worms life is more important to me than a penny which may or may not have luck.

Anyway, it’s bed time.  It all starts again tomorrow and I’m never in a rush for that to happen so I’ll listen to a bit of my new audiobook, Behind Closed Doors, it’s really good so far.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal

Commonalities

If you take away technology, take away clothes shopping, makeup, doing your hair nice….

If you take away all entertainment and hobbies from us…

What’s left that we have in common?

In the beginning, we had everything in common.  All we cared about was food, protection and shelter.  People found it easier to group together to attain these commonalities.

But now, what makes us group together?  When our basic needs are met?

It all comes down to similar interests.  When our basic needs are met, we can branch off into specialized nodes of activity.

But what if a persons basic needs go beyond food, protection and shelter?  What if they don’t feel settled and they can’t “branch off” until they also have freedom?

The price of food, protection, and shelter will always be freedom.

I feel feral.  Like I can’t be domesticated.

In the meantime, when everyone’s busy making babies and have bosses that feed them – grouping together with like-minds, going to church, throwing Mary Kay parties…getting lost in the grind, coping with sickness, crying over spilt milk….

I feel like I’m the only person in my vicinity who feels that freedom is a basic need.  And people hand over their health willfully in exchange for stressful circumstances that slowly eats away their vitality.  They choose these stressful circumstances in exchange for food, protection, and shelter.

And as a way to cope, they find addiction, money and/or power to quantify their existence.   To keep them in denial from their one basic unobtainable need, freedom.

Today is Monday, my day off.  I can’t remember the last time I had a day like today.  A day where I can sleep for as late as I want and continue doing nothing for the remainder.

I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon.  I slept to the point where I was half awake and half asleep.  Enjoying that in-between place where images are vivid yet you know they’re not real.  I stayed there until I absolutely had to pee.

But I work so hard, and I only have one life to live, it’s insane – I mean literally insane to not have any restful days and to not spend your one life exactly how you want to live it.

And it’s not even a true free day.  Not with a business to run…

I think I was a horrible person in a past life.  A dictator, or a medieval landlord.  Having people work for me so I don’t have to lift a finger.  Before that, I was a beaten housewife with a ton of kids.

At least, that’s what I hypothesize.  And if I’m right, than who am I in this life?  I’m on the run from any and all responsibility and I hate narcissists.  That’s who I am.

I told my landlord to add the new room to my rent.

I’m adding a new couple’s room to my massage business so I can sell more upgraded couples massages on Groupon.  I’ll have it by November 1st, the room.

I also hired 3 new people.  It sounds like a lot of people, but it’s really not.  One works on Fridays, another on Sundays, and the last works every other weekend.  All older ladies, a client favorite.

Once I start cranking out those couples massages on groupon, I’ll need to hire one more therapist to work Saturdays and weekday nights and once that happens, I’m done.  I’ll literally never have to massage another body for as long as I live.  I’d love to recite that as a marriage vow.

I feel like this is it, the beginning of the end of my battle.  I’ll try to hold off hiring that last person until my debt is paid.  That last person I hire might tip the scales into debt again, I have to be careful.  I’m now roughly $34,702 in the hole as opposed to $50,000 back on April 1st.

I hate the sound of text messages.  I hate the sound of phone calls.  I hate the sound of emails.  I shouldn’t hate these things.  I deep down love people and never in my right mind would I hate the sound of someone wanting to talk to me.

And since I’m so obsessed about finding my freedom, I can’t branch off into specialized nodes of interest.  I can’t learn the piano, I can’t even find time to exercise properly.  I can’t find time to write these days and writing means everything to me.

Anyway, I started writing this post because two of my friends decided that I should be Katniss Everdeen for Halloween.  They said I’m a natural Katniss.  I started writing this post with Katniss in mind, trying to figure out what it is I have in common with her.

I think it’s mostly me being a Tom boy and I won Massachusetts state champion youth division for archery when I was 12.  But it’s more than that, I just can’t put my finger on it.  And other people see it too, but they probably can’t put their finger on it either.

I’m writing this post to put my finger on it, but it’s not working.

I’d like to think it’s because she’s strong, stubborn, and fights for what she believes in, but it’s not that.

I hate to say it, but I can see myself in people – a lot of people.  People who have absolutely nothing in common with each other, have something in common with me.  I relate and empathize with mostly everyone, including made-up characters from movies and TV.  And because I empathize, I take on their traits.

That’s what it is.  That’s got to be it.  I try to think as clearly and as rationally as I can at all times, removing emotion and focusing on fact.  I learned this by writing.

Looking back and re-reading old stuff, I learned how crazy and transfixed I can be.  Writing taught me control and that control extends to all facets of my day to day life.  Say only what needs to be said, convey emotions that are relevant to the present situation, I should never focus on myself, but on others…..These are built-in gut reactions.  They are pure reactions.  But they are learned reactions.  I am a succinct categorist.

Maybe I’m more domesticated than I think.

But anyway, when I like what I see, when I’m being influenced by an idol (we all have idols), I want to become them.  Children do this better than anyone and I never grew up.

I’m a product of everything I like in others.  Unfortunately, every single idol I ever had was a fictional character.  These perfect people don’t exist in real life.

And I’m always pretending that I’m the living protagonist of a story.  Perfecting my character, watching her grow.  Always doing the right thing no matter what.

I guess that’s why my friends think of me as Katniss.  I’m like a character from a story-book.  I’m literally made-up fiction.  I wouldn’t know who I am if I didn’t write about me.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under All about me

Life…..

The prison dreams stopped just as I suspected they would after I’ve written about them.  It’s still bizarre though, how often I had them.  It’s even more bizarre that I binged on watching Wentworth and still, no more prison dreams.

I enjoyed the show so much (Wentworth) that after completing the series, had my brothers girlfriend dye my hair Red like Bea Smith.

Anyway, aside from that, life has been tame as of late.

July 18th I had $3,800 in the bank. Last month on the 18th I had $4,463. This month, September, I have $5,793 which is insane seeing that I spent so much freaking money this month.

I’ve been recording via blog, how much money I have every month on the 18th. By the 18th, my first pay period has been deducted, my rent check cashed, taxes taken out, all bills paid accept for Amazon, phone, car, car insurance and Sears bill.

In two months time, I managed to saved $2,000. Far below my expectations. Of course, if I hadn’t spent so much money, I’d have around $3000 (possibly more). And if I didn’t have debt, I would have saved a little over $5,000 in these last two months.

I didn’t pay anything extra towards my debt this month. One of my therapists is taking the next two weeks off so I’m holding off on selling massages on Groupon until she gets back. I’ll not be getting a chunk of money from Groupon on the 5th, so I can’t afford to pay anything extra this month. Just to be safe.

I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.

I keep spying on ways to save money. Like joining Cosco, a wholesaler near my house. I bought enough tampons to last me until menopause. I bought foot cream and foot scrub in bulk, I bought Korean face masks for a dollar a pop. I spent a lot of money this month in order to save time and money when it comes to restocking the shelves. With each day, I get a little more stream-lined than the last.  A little more MELefficient (I like combining random words with my name).

I hope my clients don’t get adverse side-effects from the dollar a pop Korean face masks….

Things are so much better now than before as far as money goes and my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved out ages ago. I should be relieved, I should be joyous, but I can’t shake this worrisome essence lingering about. This ominous feeling that “it’s not enough”. Saving $2,000 over these last 2 months is “not enough”.

And I’m CONSTANTLY worried about my business. I mean constant, unrelenting feelings of despair. Despite how much things have improved.

I NEED to pay off my debt so I can take my cross-country trip

I NEED to hire a receptionist

I NEED to hire another therapist

I NEED an extra massage room

I have all these needs, things I have to do, and an excess of $1000 a month isn’t going to cut it. It isn’t enough.

I’ve been in NEED for years. I’m pretty sure most people are. It’s so goddamn tiring. And I don’t have kids, I have most of my meals prepared for me by my mother. I’m 100% healthy.  My bills are getting paid…

It makes me question if I’ll ever be satisfied.  It makes me wonder how others can have real jobs, real husbands and children, and are able to do everything happily?  To be truly satisfied and worry-free, how do they do that?

It’s all bullshit, everything. I don’t believe it.

Either everyone is lying, or something is seriously wrong with me.

I’ve never fought this hard for anything.  I’m ambitious about having no ambitions. I’m fighting to be a layabout slouch, a slacker, someone who sits and Netflix and games all day.  Not that I actually would spend my life like that, but I want the option to do so.  Everyone has their own definition of happy.

I don’t care who hates me for it.

But will it ever happen?

I just watched Zootopia on Netflix.  Yes, loved it.

Tomorrow I have three clients and then I’m taking my Dad to the symphony.  He’s never been and I scored tickets so I thought it would be best to take good ol’ Pops.

My Pop, he’s just been diagnosed, well, diagnosed is the wrong word.  He has a type of cancer growing on top of his head.  Right on his bald spot where the sun hits it when he’s fishing. It’s nothing to worry about.  Nothing, you hear me?  I shouldn’t even be writing about it.

I just got a text from a weird number.  Literally two seconds ago.  “Hey how are you?” They say.

I went out a few days ago with a friend I haven’t seen in a while.  I scored tickets to the funny bone and $200 in gift certificates to spend on food and drink.

I’m not sure what happened, but my friend ended up having to drive my car back home with me as the passenger.  Only, we didn’t go home.  We went to the bar where we met up with a few of her friends who all took a liking to me and then we went back to her house where her friends followed.  I didn’t leave there until 3AM.  I was shit faced hammered and had to get up early the next day for work.

WTF’s my problem…

When I drink, I love everybody.  I can easily be taken advantage of.  I’m pretty sure I’ve been kissed several times that night.  And I’m almost positive this strange phone number is from one of those people I met that night.  Oh, and did I say I was house sitting on top of it?

I HAD to let the dog out at the house I was sitting for.  Which meant I had to drive home under the influence, throw my PJ’s and some other crap in a bag, and drive to where I had to let the dog out and stay for the night so I can let him out in the morning.  Then go to work.

The next day was no picnic.  No, no picnic at all.  It’s because my first drink of the night was a vodka martini.  One vodka martini can turn the tides.  And eating Sriracha soaked bacon at a comedy club is NOT recommended.  Your asshole will hate you.

I’m still recuperating from it.

Okay, I gotta get some sleep.  I’ve been a real crank lately.

 

3 Comments

Filed under journal

Dreams

I keep having dreams about prison almost every single night for the last two weeks.  Before two weeks ago, I never had a prison dream, let alone any dream that appears almost every night.

I’m dreaming again because my current bedtime audiobook is the Tao Te Ching.  It’s only an hour and 43 minutes so it doesn’t last all night and into morning like my last audiobook did.  When the book ends, the dreams begin.

Usually the prison dreams are harmless.  All the characters from Orange is The New Black are there.  Red acts as my Mother and cares for me while all the prisoners are happy and don’t want to leave.  Almost like they forgot they’re in prison.  They only care about hooking up with each other and little else.  I was the only one that wanted to escape, which I did by the end of each dream.

The prison was actually a happy place but only because every one was preoccupied with hooking up.  There were rumors about prisoners wanting to hook up with me, but I ignored them and focused instead on breaking out.

All the prison dreams are like this.  All except last night when things turned dark.

The prison started out at as being a school.  I was in class trying to pay attention to the teacher when this one boy kept inching his desk closer and closer to me until he was right next to me shoulder to shoulder.

He had a crush on me and instead of me being flattered, I despised it.  I told myself to be nice to him so I don’t accidentally hurt his feelings.  “Just be nice Mel, keep you’re cool.”

But when he got to be shoulder to shoulder with me, I flew into a rage.  I pushed him and said “get the fuck off me!”.  Even though I specifically told myself not to do that, I couldn’t help myself.

That’s when the school turned into a prison but instead of it being a regular prison, it was more like a school.  The cells were classrooms.  I left the classroom to get away from that boy and plotted my escape once again but this time I wasn’t alone.

I had two friends with me.  A comical big fat black woman and a regular dude about my age, maybe a little younger.

We were caught trying to escape and sent to the disciplinary department which doubled as a shoe department.  The sadistic shoe maker gave us new shoes and as punishment for trying to flee, he nailed the shoes to my friends feet.  I was next in line to get the nails, but the shoe maker over looked me, saying that I wasn’t as much of an idiot as the other two I was with.

My friends could no longer run, but I could.  And so I did.

I ran through the school/prison and had to pee really bad.  I found the bathroom where all the stalls were, and the custodians were there working on a new toilet system involving tubes everywhere and the toilet I was to sit on was too high of a reach.  I was trying to climb up on the toilet when the dude I was with previously, the one who got the nails in his feet, busted in and said “Melanie!  What are you doing?!”  He was upset I wanted to leave the place.

“I’m trying to pee but the seat is too high.  I keep falling off.  Why are you in the women’s room?”

“I wanted to know how you like your hamburger.”

“My hamburger?  What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“I’ll just put ketchup on it.”

And he left to go fetch me a hamburger.  He was starting to like me and wanted to impress me with a hamburger, and because of that, he lost all coherence of being in a prison and instead focused on impressing me.

That’s when I woke up and really had to pee.

In real life, there’s a guy I hung out with about a month ago.  He’s an old friend who I haven’t hung out with in 18 years and he contacted me on Facebook.  I kept putting him off for maybe a month or two when finally I said screw it and met him for a drink at a bar/restaurant in walking distance from my house.

Since then, he’s called and texted me non-stop.  He called at 2:30AM last night when I had to wake up at 7AM.  I was pissed.  So pissed that I almost flew into a rage like in my dream.  But instead, I calmed myself and put him under the Do Not Disturb option on my phone.

I’m pretty sure the dreams started because of him.  I told him how I feel relationships are like a prison.  People focus on relationships instead of trying to break out of their bleak working lives.  And since then, the prison dreams are relentless.

But they make sense to me.  The perfect analogy.  But I’m not sitting around all day thinking about it, the only time I remember thinking about it was with that guy I hung out with.  So it’s perplexing that I’m dreaming of prison this often when I never think about it in waking life.

Maybe they’ll stop now.  Now that I’ve written about it.

I was also scared about getting sued because the window of opportunity of that happening was inching down.  The prison dreams may have also stemmed from that as well.

**********************************

On May 20th I wrote a detailed plan for my business.

img_3839

Okay, so not very detailed, but the plan is still a go.

July and August I found myself with having one or two clients a day.  I lounged around watching bad sci-fi movies on Netflix and worried about my productivity.

“What if I’m like this when I don’t have to work at all anymore?  Just laying around doing nothing?”

But then from the grace of god, I found myself with 5 days off in a row in late August.  Not a single client.  During these five days, I practiced the piano, went to Rhode Island and stayed over night (the first time this year), devised a new member client system, went hiking twice (the first time this year), hung out with valued friends.

I can’t remember the last time I had 5 days off in a row (besides taking trips).  And during these 5 days I realized that I’m not as lazy as I think.  Everything I wanted to do, everything that I put off, I did in those 5 days.  All the while, worrying about my business.  If the phone is being answered and if clients are happy – I was tethered to the business and couldn’t fully relax.  Same thing happened when I went to Alaska.  Impending doom circled my head like a halo.

But then my employee cut her hours and I’m back at it again.  Massaging 3 or 4 clients a day.  I feel relieved that I’m there overseeing everything, but miserable that I have to massage again.  I’m relieved too that I can squirrel away even more cash to pay off my debt, but miserable that this tirade of struggle seems to go on and on.

I feel really close this time though.  Just a few more months until freedom.  But I’m struggling with the first leg of my plan, paying off at least one of my bills to free up money needed to afford the extra massage room.  I can afford it now, but that’s going against the plan.  It’s jumping the gun.  Bad things happen when I do that.

I have no choice but to wait until one bill is paid off.  The suspense of how my plan will turn out is killing me.

*****************************

My newest fantasy while massaging people is that of my cross-country adventure.  I decided not to go with a motorcycle, but a moped instead.  You can ride a moped anywhere and if the engine breaks down or I run out of gas, I can peddle the damn thing.  I can freely ride the cross-country bicycle trails.  That’s the main reason for wanting a moped.  I even picked out the bike I want.

Going cross-country on a highway, in my opinion, would be a shit time and the point of this expedition will turn into a destination trip and not a site seeing journey taken through winding roads through quaint towns.  Sticking with the bicycle trail is imperative.  Plus I don’t need to rely on navigating while following the path, it’s like walking the Camino.

motoped

It’s called the Survival Motoped and it’s meant to withstand the zombie apocalypse.  I can order it and put it together myself, or buy it already put together.  A very big part of me wants to buy it right now and put it together so I’ll have it ready by the time of my trip.  But that goes way against my plan.

If I put it together myself, learn how to put the engine together, the frame, the spokes, it reminds me of the book Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  I can repair it myself if it starts acting up and I learn appreciation and self-efficiency.

One night, not too long ago, while watching Netflix and eating some delicious take-out, I picked out the attire that will accompany me on my trip.

A pair of protective motorcycle blue jeans, a leather motorcycle jacket with zippered vents for the summer, protective motorcycle boots and a half helmet.  They say to wear a full helmet with this bike along with full motorcycle protective gear, but wearing full armor on a moped looks ridiculous.  Plus I’m scared a full helmet will obscure my peripherals.

jacket

boots

And for the undershirt, I’m going with Ably.  Supposedly I can wear it everyday without having to wash it.  I pre-ordered one and it’s supposed to come sometime this month.

shirt

The Survival Motoped costs more than a Honda Grom, the original bike I wanted to go with.  But you can literally drive it anywhere and it has the same amount of CC’s as the grom, goes just as fast.  Has more storage space.  And I love the idea that I can peddle it if anything were to happen to the motor.

And it’s a zombie apocalypse inspired bike!

I’m worried about two obstacles in my way of the trip.

ONE:  Not paying off my debt in time and TWO, not being able to afford a receptionist.

I NEED a receptionist.  Without a receptionist, I’ll carry with me an impeding halo of doom.

Without a receptionist, I’ll have to wait yet another year to take my trip.  Let the seasons circle around again.  We only have 80 or so cycles of these seasons and I’m already going on number 37!

*********************************

Today is Monday, my day off.  I don’t feel like doing shit.  In fact, I want to go back to sleep.  I started writing this post as soon as I woke up from my dream so not to forget it a few hours later.

And the thing with relationships being a prison, I’m not that bad when it comes to them.  Knowing that someone is out there waiting for me is comforting, but I know exactly what I want in life.  I know exactly who I am because I know what I want in life.  And I know for certain I’m prone to distraction and letting years slip by while toiling in the slog of life’s interruptions.

Not knowing or finding a paid profession that I’m in love with, makes it hard for people like me.  People who get bored after a while, who hate being told what to do.  I’m curious about everything, but not enough to spend thousands of dollars and years of my life going to school learning about something that I might get bored with and feel trapped in like a hen in Animal Farm.  The drama, the hierarchy, the scandals.

If I go back to school, it won’t be for the purpose of finding a job when I’m done.  It’ll be to continue where the professor left off.  For further research and discovery and not because I’m being paid for it.

****************************

Did you know there’s a rare disease (only 100 known cases) where your brain is unable to sleep?  It’s not regular insomnia, it’s an actual brain malfunction where it loses the ability entirely.  It’s called Fatal Famillial insomnia.  It’s mostly genetic, but the protein can also be passed on via body fluids or eating something tainted with it.  Like Mad Cow meat.  You can get it at any age even if you were born with it, you won’t know you have it until decades later.

Once it starts, you have 18 months to live.  You live with anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations and then finally dementia.  Basically it takes approximately 18 months of no sleep to kill you.

*****************************

It may be my day off, but it’s also my parents anniversary (45 years) so we’re going out to eat.  I bought them an Acer laptop for their gift.  They both love it.  My Dad cruises Amazon looking at crossbows and my Mom plays her free online slot games and forwards chain emails to all her cousins.  Last night I introduced her to YouTube, my personal favorite.

It’s almost payday so I have to go to work and pick up everyone’s pay sheets to send in.

 

4 Comments

Filed under All about me, journal, Travel, work