$8,826.  That’s how much money I had in the bank October 18th (yesterday).  Last month I had $5,793, a difference of $3,033.

Why so much?  Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.  I did sell a few signature couple’s massages by sending out a mass email to 3,000 subscribers, but that still doesn’t account for such a large hike.  I haven’t made any big purchases this month and one of my employee’s left us for a retail position, so I’ve been massaging a lot more.

Was my ex-employee stealing from me?  Is that it?  In combination with her leaving and with me taking her clients instead, explain why I have so much more money this month?

And I have even more than $8,826!  I have a little over $500 in cash stashed away from this past week that I have yet to deposit.

I sold a few signature couple’s massages on Groupon and so I’m expecting a check of $3,300 to be deposited in my account tomorrow.

But I don’t get it….how did I make so much?

I’m saving around $1000 by massaging Amaris’s clients (my therapist who left), I made at least $1000 from those couples massages I sold with the email burst, so that’s $2000 and well, no, I guess that’s right.  Yeah, I legitimately made an extra $2000 this month.  I just figured it out.

But I’m not ruling out that my employee stole from me.  She could have set up her own square account and ran credit cards through it without me knowing, having the money go directly into her account and pass the client off as having a groupon or GC.

I’m setting up a new system that would make doing this IMPOSSIBLE.  I caught her in a few questionable acts before, that’s what’s causing my suspicion and plus I find it hard to believe that the excess of money is all from me working more.

Since I hired 3 new therapists, it won’t be hard to implement my new protocol on how to handle GC’s and Groupons – “It’s a way for me to easily keep track now that so many people work here, I needed a better system.”

I should have around $9,000 in the bank next month once my rent check is cashed.  $9000 at the beginning of the month.

Why $9,000?  I have $7,600 now, plus $3300 from groupon would make it $10,900.  Minus next months rent brings it down to $9,025.  I have a couple more bills to pay this month and I plan on making at least $700 – $1000 now until the 31st which will pay for these bills.  So yeah, $9,000 sounds about right.

July 18th when I wrote “Day Off Ramble”, I had zero dollars in the bank planned for August 1st.  And now I have $9,000?  If I break that down day by day, that’s a span of 90 days, $9,000 divided by 90 is $100.  So I make a net income of $100 a day.  This is net income after spending money.  Once every bill is paid, supplies restocked, beer bought, fun nights out deducted, I still have a net worth of $100 a day.  It’s more like a net NET worth.

This, to me, sounds like very good news.  And that’s not even the start of the good news!

I sold signature couples massages for about a week on Groupon along with a regular massage for a single person, and in that one week alone I made the business over $5,000 (groupon holds a portion of the money, that’s why I’m only getting $3000).  And the business isn’t phased with an on-slaught of clients.  I didn’t sell enough of them to cause an onslaught.

Which means I made the business $5000 without going into Groupon debt.

Things are going good.  Really good.  And when things go good, my trust plummets.  I don’t trust it.  And my most pressing trust issues are with not having enough therapists on the schedule.  I want clients to be able to book!

My most requested therapist is in the hospital, another employee is dropping two of her days (hopefully temporarily), last month that other employee left, all of this happened suddenly without warning.  I went into freak-out mode.  This afternoon while driving to work, I was near terrified.

It felt on-par with evil August of last year, the terror I felt.

“I need therapists but what can I do?  I put an ad on Indeed, the newspaper, Craigslist, SEG career services, and the 4-day free trial of Ziprecruiter.  All I can do now is wait.”

When something is out of my hands, I become the Imp in impatience.  Banging fists, muttering to myself.  What’s an imp anyway?  A mischievous child, a devil, a sprite.

I’m an imp trying to conjure up plans and scheming.  Doing EVERYTHING in my power to fix things.  It has been 6 days since my therapist went to hospital but it feels like weeks.

One of my new hires sent me an email this afternoon of all the days she can work in November and another therapist is working on cutting back hours at her other job so she can work here.

I sent an email to all our member clients explaining the situation I’m in with my sick therapist whom most of them love.

Honestly, I did everything I can think of.  And when my new therapist sent me her availability earlier today, I was beyond thankful.

My emotions are strong when it comes to feeling anything at all, I feel everything so strongly, so sharply.  They’re never muddled or unclear.  My thoughts on most topics aren’t muddled or unclear, so why should my emotions be?

They’re like daggers.

And now what am I feeling?  Thankful and hopeful now that my new therapist is on the schedule more often.

I’ve made the decision to go out on a limb and have more therapists working here, placed on the schedule, than needed.  This shortage will never happen again.

Once my sick therapist is back on the schedule, I’m quitting massage for good.

My landlord is working hard to clear out the extra massage room that I’ve added to my lease.  I can start decorating it as soon as it’s been cleared.  It needs a carpet and to be painted and both of these can be purchased through the Barter Network, costing me little money (and little work).

I’m beyond excited about decorating this new room.  It’s large enough for two massage tables and a 2-person sauna!

I consulted the I-Ching on October 11, two days before my sick therapist went to the hospital and it said that I’ll have “great relief once the ordeal is over”.  In the second hexagram, the one about the future, it says I’ll “install helpers and set armies marching.”  But the 6th being in first place tells me whatever happens, I can NOT brag.  It says that I’m really enthusiastic right now, but my enthusiasm will turn into egotistic emotions.

I-Ching – “Enthusiasm is only justified when it is a general feeling that unites one with others.”

I don’t have enthusiasm to be united with anyone, I have it for quitting massage, paying my debt, and taking my grand cross-country adventure next year.  It has nothing to do with uniting with others.  Although, it would be a nice bonus once my plans are complete.

I don’t feel like I ever brag, but I do take pride in my business.  But once my plan takes effect, once I’m retired from massage, and I’m taking my long journeys, I might start bragging.  I’ll only do it if my head isn’t clear and I feel inferior for some reason.  Like, even though I’ve succeeded, I’m still miserable.  I still fall short of happy even after all I’ve done.

Then I guess I’d start bragging.  I mean, could you blame me?  You seen these last 6 years on my blog.  If my dreams really do come true, and I’m still unhappy after all these years of trying……

No, I just can’t see it happening.  I’m happy right now!  Mainly because my new therapist is on the schedule.  With dagger-like emotions such as these, I always get these shards and splinters of sunshine.  They break off and lodge in me.

I’m miserable but it’s situational misery, based on having to do something I’d rather not do.  As soon as the job is done or problem resolved, I’m shot up with a gatling gun of sun rays.  But the gatling gun makes holes in me, disrupting my natural structure, I stop trusting myself or what lies ahead.  Damn sunshine.

I always had to do things I didn’t want to do as far back as I can remember.  This misery really IS who I am.  And to just be able to sit back and be free from it all, there’s no structure or sense to it, you know?  Freedom from work means freedom from myself.  So I have to keep grasping and holding onto struggle, creating problems that aren’t there. Because my ego is afraid to die, my old self is afraid to die.

Rational Brain – “Everything sounded good until you started transfixing.”

I’m making analogy’s, okay?  I can’t explain it any other way.

But I am feeling hopeful.  Extremely hopeful that I can go on my adventure next year.


It’s unseasonably warm out lately.  I wore sandals and a short-sleeve shirt today, I’d say it was somewhere in the 80’s.  Absolutely beautiful perfect day even though no autumn was in the air.

I got out of work early, thought I’d go hiking but decided against it.

I don’t like to do anything that I can’t commit to and devoting myself to exercise is one of them.  Why bother with doing it for one day only?  My time would be better spent by blogging and relaxing.

I need to eat dinner, my mom’s getting upset.

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Well, shit.

One of my therapists is suffering from a weird rash on her arms.  It spread to under her nails and up her biceps.  Her doctor said they’ll probably fall off.  The nails, not the biceps.

Her – “Mel, just look at this!  Look at this!”

She pulled a ripped up crumpled piece of paper out of her purse.  A receipt for a prescription.

Her – “Isn’t this sick?  Look at the price!  It’s disgusting.  I ripped it up when I seen it and you know what my doctor said?  After I bought it?  To stop taking it, he has a better one that’s stronger.  Can you believe that?!  It’s disgusting.  Why didn’t he give me samples first?”

The prescription cost her over $1700.

She’s right.  It IS disgusting.  It makes me sick.

But you know the worst part?  She’s taking time off until she’s better.

I’m fuuuucked.

Fucked fucked fucked.

It’s weird that I hired those 3 ladies when I did.  I mean, I was following my instincts when I did it.  I felt a strong urge to hire new people as soon as possible and now, my most requested therapist is out of action.

But those 3 ladies aren’t enough to replace her.  I need a new therapist pronto or the whole business will crumble, or worse, I’ll be put back on the scheduler.

Yesterday I contacted 3 more ladies that applied on Indeed but I haven’t heard back from them yet.  I’m running out of options.

This is all happening 3 days after selling more couples massages on Groupon.

This is my life, it’s always going to be something.  But it could be worse, I could have a severe rash on my arms, lose my fingernails and pay $1700 on useless medicine.  I mean SHIT that sucks.  And for that to happen to a massage therapist?!

I’m miserable 75% of the time.  I’m sleeping for the other 25%.  But I should be freaking thankful!

I am thankful, I’m grateful, I’m relieved the business survived Evil August 2015, but I’m just so tired.

If only you knew….so many people request her…..and now it’s just Adonis, my male therapist, who works past 3pm everyday.  I NEED help.

This is just one more thing I have to finagle myself out of.  One last predicament before I can exhale from it all.

My problems at the moment are:  Too many clients, not enough therapists.  Most clients are MEMBERS who will soon cancel because they can’t book.

What I have to do:  Hire a new therapist ASAP, massage a bunch of people, keep the place clean, payroll, scheduling, taxes, stock, massage a bunch of people, return emails, texts, phone calls, paint new massage room, carpet new massage room, decorate new massage room, massage a shit ton of people, check email once every 30 minutes, go to the store to buy bleach and laundry detergent, order more ink for the printer, fix the 5 gallon lotion pump……Can’t fix the 5 gallon lotion pump so order a new one for $14.  Install it and get lotion all over yourself and then wash your hands with soap you need to refill.  Then give a 90-minute massage.  Clean the toilets.  Go home.

Never go outside, never wear any clothing besides all black massage attire.

So yeah, I can’t help being miserable 75% of the time.  I don’t complain though, only in my blog I complain.

And I started taking gummy vitamins that just so happens to also make me shit.  There’s no rhyme or reason to when this gummy shit will happen.  The only time I know for certain is two minutes into giving a massage.  After 2 minutes of starting any random massage, usually a 90-minute massage, I have to vehemently shit.

I switched to taking them at night, hoping it’ll work into my normal morning routine but no, I still have to vehemently shit 2-minutes into giving a massage.  No matter if I take them at night or in the morning.  Why?  WHY?!

I want to stop taking them but I’m so unbearably cheap that it feels like I’d be wasting money.  I bought 3 big bottles of them too.

I just decided to take one at night and one in the morning and see how that goes.

Always finagling myself out of something…..


I saw a worm in my driveway today.

You know how worms randomly appear on asphalt?  Usually after it rains?  Well, I seen one today, only, it was still alive.  Without hesitation I picked it up and threw it on the lawn before questioning what I was doing.

Me – “What the hell was that about?”

Rational Brain – “In the movie, Seven Years in Tibet, the Buddhist monks saved worms from being torn apart when Brad Pitt was digging the foundation to a movie theater.  Saving a worm isn’t crazy, don’t feel crazy.”

Me – “Gee, thanks Rational Brain.”

It’s just bizarre that a person like me, who’s miserly and sulky 75% of the time, just wants to be left alone, can pick up a dying worm without even thinking anything of it.  Of course I’m thinking now about it, but I mean really?  And if I really think about it, I’d rather pick up a dying worm instead of a lucky penny.  You know, if they were side by side.  A worms life is more important to me than a penny which may or may not have luck.

Anyway, it’s bed time.  It all starts again tomorrow and I’m never in a rush for that to happen so I’ll listen to a bit of my new audiobook, Behind Closed Doors, it’s really good so far.

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If you take away technology, take away clothes shopping, makeup, doing your hair nice….

If you take away all entertainment and hobbies from us…

What’s left that we have in common?

In the beginning, we had everything in common.  All we cared about was food, protection and shelter.  People found it easier to group together to attain these commonalities.

But now, what makes us group together?  When our basic needs are met?

It all comes down to similar interests.  When our basic needs are met, we can branch off into specialized nodes of activity.

But what if a persons basic needs go beyond food, protection and shelter?  What if they don’t feel settled and they can’t “branch off” until they also have freedom?

The price of food, protection, and shelter will always be freedom.

I feel feral.  Like I can’t be domesticated.

In the meantime, when everyone’s busy making babies and have bosses that feed them – grouping together with like-minds, going to church, throwing Mary Kay parties…getting lost in the grind, coping with sickness, crying over spilt milk….

I feel like I’m the only person in my vicinity who feels that freedom is a basic need.  And people hand over their health willfully in exchange for stressful circumstances that slowly eats away their vitality.  They choose these stressful circumstances in exchange for food, protection, and shelter.

And as a way to cope, they find addiction, money and/or power to quantify their existence.   To keep them in denial from their one basic unobtainable need, freedom.

Today is Monday, my day off.  I can’t remember the last time I had a day like today.  A day where I can sleep for as late as I want and continue doing nothing for the remainder.

I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon.  I slept to the point where I was half awake and half asleep.  Enjoying that in-between place where images are vivid yet you know they’re not real.  I stayed there until I absolutely had to pee.

But I work so hard, and I only have one life to live, it’s insane – I mean literally insane to not have any restful days and to not spend your one life exactly how you want to live it.

And it’s not even a true free day.  Not with a business to run…

I think I was a horrible person in a past life.  A dictator, or a medieval landlord.  Having people work for me so I don’t have to lift a finger.  Before that, I was a beaten housewife with a ton of kids.

At least, that’s what I hypothesize.  And if I’m right, than who am I in this life?  I’m on the run from any and all responsibility and I hate narcissists.  That’s who I am.

I told my landlord to add the new room to my rent.

I’m adding a new couple’s room to my massage business so I can sell more upgraded couples massages on Groupon.  I’ll have it by November 1st, the room.

I also hired 3 new people.  It sounds like a lot of people, but it’s really not.  One works on Fridays, another on Sundays, and the last works every other weekend.  All older ladies, a client favorite.

Once I start cranking out those couples massages on groupon, I’ll need to hire one more therapist to work Saturdays and weekday nights and once that happens, I’m done.  I’ll literally never have to massage another body for as long as I live.  I’d love to recite that as a marriage vow.

I feel like this is it, the beginning of the end of my battle.  I’ll try to hold off hiring that last person until my debt is paid.  That last person I hire might tip the scales into debt again, I have to be careful.  I’m now roughly $34,702 in the hole as opposed to $50,000 back on April 1st.

I hate the sound of text messages.  I hate the sound of phone calls.  I hate the sound of emails.  I shouldn’t hate these things.  I deep down love people and never in my right mind would I hate the sound of someone wanting to talk to me.

And since I’m so obsessed about finding my freedom, I can’t branch off into specialized nodes of interest.  I can’t learn the piano, I can’t even find time to exercise properly.  I can’t find time to write these days and writing means everything to me.

Anyway, I started writing this post because two of my friends decided that I should be Katniss Everdeen for Halloween.  They said I’m a natural Katniss.  I started writing this post with Katniss in mind, trying to figure out what it is I have in common with her.

I think it’s mostly me being a Tom boy and I won Massachusetts state champion youth division for archery when I was 12.  But it’s more than that, I just can’t put my finger on it.  And other people see it too, but they probably can’t put their finger on it either.

I’m writing this post to put my finger on it, but it’s not working.

I’d like to think it’s because she’s strong, stubborn, and fights for what she believes in, but it’s not that.

I hate to say it, but I can see myself in people – a lot of people.  People who have absolutely nothing in common with each other, have something in common with me.  I relate and empathize with mostly everyone, including made-up characters from movies and TV.  And because I empathize, I take on their traits.

That’s what it is.  That’s got to be it.  I try to think as clearly and as rationally as I can at all times, removing emotion and focusing on fact.  I learned this by writing.

Looking back and re-reading old stuff, I learned how crazy and transfixed I can be.  Writing taught me control and that control extends to all facets of my day to day life.  Say only what needs to be said, convey emotions that are relevant to the present situation, I should never focus on myself, but on others…..These are built-in gut reactions.  They are pure reactions.  But they are learned reactions.  I am a succinct categorist.

Maybe I’m more domesticated than I think.

But anyway, when I like what I see, when I’m being influenced by an idol (we all have idols), I want to become them.  Children do this better than anyone and I never grew up.

I’m a product of everything I like in others.  Unfortunately, every single idol I ever had was a fictional character.  These perfect people don’t exist in real life.

And I’m always pretending that I’m the living protagonist of a story.  Perfecting my character, watching her grow.  Always doing the right thing no matter what.

I guess that’s why my friends think of me as Katniss.  I’m like a character from a story-book.  I’m literally made-up fiction.  I wouldn’t know who I am if I didn’t write about me.



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The prison dreams stopped just as I suspected they would after I’ve written about them.  It’s still bizarre though, how often I had them.  It’s even more bizarre that I binged on watching Wentworth and still, no more prison dreams.

I enjoyed the show so much (Wentworth) that after completing the series, had my brothers girlfriend dye my hair Red like Bea Smith.

Anyway, aside from that, life has been tame as of late.

July 18th I had $3,800 in the bank. Last month on the 18th I had $4,463. This month, September, I have $5,793 which is insane seeing that I spent so much freaking money this month.

I’ve been recording via blog, how much money I have every month on the 18th. By the 18th, my first pay period has been deducted, my rent check cashed, taxes taken out, all bills paid accept for Amazon, phone, car, car insurance and Sears bill.

In two months time, I managed to saved $2,000. Far below my expectations. Of course, if I hadn’t spent so much money, I’d have around $3000 (possibly more). And if I didn’t have debt, I would have saved a little over $5,000 in these last two months.

I didn’t pay anything extra towards my debt this month. One of my therapists is taking the next two weeks off so I’m holding off on selling massages on Groupon until she gets back. I’ll not be getting a chunk of money from Groupon on the 5th, so I can’t afford to pay anything extra this month. Just to be safe.

I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.

I keep spying on ways to save money. Like joining Cosco, a wholesaler near my house. I bought enough tampons to last me until menopause. I bought foot cream and foot scrub in bulk, I bought Korean face masks for a dollar a pop. I spent a lot of money this month in order to save time and money when it comes to restocking the shelves. With each day, I get a little more stream-lined than the last.  A little more MELefficient (I like combining random words with my name).

I hope my clients don’t get adverse side-effects from the dollar a pop Korean face masks….

Things are so much better now than before as far as money goes and my crazy aunt and OCD cousin moved out ages ago. I should be relieved, I should be joyous, but I can’t shake this worrisome essence lingering about. This ominous feeling that “it’s not enough”. Saving $2,000 over these last 2 months is “not enough”.

And I’m CONSTANTLY worried about my business. I mean constant, unrelenting feelings of despair. Despite how much things have improved.

I NEED to pay off my debt so I can take my cross-country trip

I NEED to hire a receptionist

I NEED to hire another therapist

I NEED an extra massage room

I have all these needs, things I have to do, and an excess of $1000 a month isn’t going to cut it. It isn’t enough.

I’ve been in NEED for years. I’m pretty sure most people are. It’s so goddamn tiring. And I don’t have kids, I have most of my meals prepared for me by my mother. I’m 100% healthy.  My bills are getting paid…

It makes me question if I’ll ever be satisfied.  It makes me wonder how others can have real jobs, real husbands and children, and are able to do everything happily?  To be truly satisfied and worry-free, how do they do that?

It’s all bullshit, everything. I don’t believe it.

Either everyone is lying, or something is seriously wrong with me.

I’ve never fought this hard for anything.  I’m ambitious about having no ambitions. I’m fighting to be a layabout slouch, a slacker, someone who sits and Netflix and games all day.  Not that I actually would spend my life like that, but I want the option to do so.  Everyone has their own definition of happy.

I don’t care who hates me for it.

But will it ever happen?

I just watched Zootopia on Netflix.  Yes, loved it.

Tomorrow I have three clients and then I’m taking my Dad to the symphony.  He’s never been and I scored tickets so I thought it would be best to take good ol’ Pops.

My Pop, he’s just been diagnosed, well, diagnosed is the wrong word.  He has a type of cancer growing on top of his head.  Right on his bald spot where the sun hits it when he’s fishing. It’s nothing to worry about.  Nothing, you hear me?  I shouldn’t even be writing about it.

I just got a text from a weird number.  Literally two seconds ago.  “Hey how are you?” They say.

I went out a few days ago with a friend I haven’t seen in a while.  I scored tickets to the funny bone and $200 in gift certificates to spend on food and drink.

I’m not sure what happened, but my friend ended up having to drive my car back home with me as the passenger.  Only, we didn’t go home.  We went to the bar where we met up with a few of her friends who all took a liking to me and then we went back to her house where her friends followed.  I didn’t leave there until 3AM.  I was shit faced hammered and had to get up early the next day for work.

WTF’s my problem…

When I drink, I love everybody.  I can easily be taken advantage of.  I’m pretty sure I’ve been kissed several times that night.  And I’m almost positive this strange phone number is from one of those people I met that night.  Oh, and did I say I was house sitting on top of it?

I HAD to let the dog out at the house I was sitting for.  Which meant I had to drive home under the influence, throw my PJ’s and some other crap in a bag, and drive to where I had to let the dog out and stay for the night so I can let him out in the morning.  Then go to work.

The next day was no picnic.  No, no picnic at all.  It’s because my first drink of the night was a vodka martini.  One vodka martini can turn the tides.  And eating Sriracha soaked bacon at a comedy club is NOT recommended.  Your asshole will hate you.

I’m still recuperating from it.

Okay, I gotta get some sleep.  I’ve been a real crank lately.



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I keep having dreams about prison almost every single night for the last two weeks.  Before two weeks ago, I never had a prison dream, let alone any dream that appears almost every night.

I’m dreaming again because my current bedtime audiobook is the Tao Te Ching.  It’s only an hour and 43 minutes so it doesn’t last all night and into morning like my last audiobook did.  When the book ends, the dreams begin.

Usually the prison dreams are harmless.  All the characters from Orange is The New Black are there.  Red acts as my Mother and cares for me while all the prisoners are happy and don’t want to leave.  Almost like they forgot they’re in prison.  They only care about hooking up with each other and little else.  I was the only one that wanted to escape, which I did by the end of each dream.

The prison was actually a happy place but only because every one was preoccupied with hooking up.  There were rumors about prisoners wanting to hook up with me, but I ignored them and focused instead on breaking out.

All the prison dreams are like this.  All except last night when things turned dark.

The prison started out at as being a school.  I was in class trying to pay attention to the teacher when this one boy kept inching his desk closer and closer to me until he was right next to me shoulder to shoulder.

He had a crush on me and instead of me being flattered, I despised it.  I told myself to be nice to him so I don’t accidentally hurt his feelings.  “Just be nice Mel, keep you’re cool.”

But when he got to be shoulder to shoulder with me, I flew into a rage.  I pushed him and said “get the fuck off me!”.  Even though I specifically told myself not to do that, I couldn’t help myself.

That’s when the school turned into a prison but instead of it being a regular prison, it was more like a school.  The cells were classrooms.  I left the classroom to get away from that boy and plotted my escape once again but this time I wasn’t alone.

I had two friends with me.  A comical big fat black woman and a regular dude about my age, maybe a little younger.

We were caught trying to escape and sent to the disciplinary department which doubled as a shoe department.  The sadistic shoe maker gave us new shoes and as punishment for trying to flee, he nailed the shoes to my friends feet.  I was next in line to get the nails, but the shoe maker over looked me, saying that I wasn’t as much of an idiot as the other two I was with.

My friends could no longer run, but I could.  And so I did.

I ran through the school/prison and had to pee really bad.  I found the bathroom where all the stalls were, and the custodians were there working on a new toilet system involving tubes everywhere and the toilet I was to sit on was too high of a reach.  I was trying to climb up on the toilet when the dude I was with previously, the one who got the nails in his feet, busted in and said “Melanie!  What are you doing?!”  He was upset I wanted to leave the place.

“I’m trying to pee but the seat is too high.  I keep falling off.  Why are you in the women’s room?”

“I wanted to know how you like your hamburger.”

“My hamburger?  What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“I’ll just put ketchup on it.”

And he left to go fetch me a hamburger.  He was starting to like me and wanted to impress me with a hamburger, and because of that, he lost all coherence of being in a prison and instead focused on impressing me.

That’s when I woke up and really had to pee.

In real life, there’s a guy I hung out with about a month ago.  He’s an old friend who I haven’t hung out with in 18 years and he contacted me on Facebook.  I kept putting him off for maybe a month or two when finally I said screw it and met him for a drink at a bar/restaurant in walking distance from my house.

Since then, he’s called and texted me non-stop.  He called at 2:30AM last night when I had to wake up at 7AM.  I was pissed.  So pissed that I almost flew into a rage like in my dream.  But instead, I calmed myself and put him under the Do Not Disturb option on my phone.

I’m pretty sure the dreams started because of him.  I told him how I feel relationships are like a prison.  People focus on relationships instead of trying to break out of their bleak working lives.  And since then, the prison dreams are relentless.

But they make sense to me.  The perfect analogy.  But I’m not sitting around all day thinking about it, the only time I remember thinking about it was with that guy I hung out with.  So it’s perplexing that I’m dreaming of prison this often when I never think about it in waking life.

Maybe they’ll stop now.  Now that I’ve written about it.

I was also scared about getting sued because the window of opportunity of that happening was inching down.  The prison dreams may have also stemmed from that as well.


On May 20th I wrote a detailed plan for my business.


Okay, so not very detailed, but the plan is still a go.

July and August I found myself with having one or two clients a day.  I lounged around watching bad sci-fi movies on Netflix and worried about my productivity.

“What if I’m like this when I don’t have to work at all anymore?  Just laying around doing nothing?”

But then from the grace of god, I found myself with 5 days off in a row in late August.  Not a single client.  During these five days, I practiced the piano, went to Rhode Island and stayed over night (the first time this year), devised a new member client system, went hiking twice (the first time this year), hung out with valued friends.

I can’t remember the last time I had 5 days off in a row (besides taking trips).  And during these 5 days I realized that I’m not as lazy as I think.  Everything I wanted to do, everything that I put off, I did in those 5 days.  All the while, worrying about my business.  If the phone is being answered and if clients are happy – I was tethered to the business and couldn’t fully relax.  Same thing happened when I went to Alaska.  Impending doom circled my head like a halo.

But then my employee cut her hours and I’m back at it again.  Massaging 3 or 4 clients a day.  I feel relieved that I’m there overseeing everything, but miserable that I have to massage again.  I’m relieved too that I can squirrel away even more cash to pay off my debt, but miserable that this tirade of struggle seems to go on and on.

I feel really close this time though.  Just a few more months until freedom.  But I’m struggling with the first leg of my plan, paying off at least one of my bills to free up money needed to afford the extra massage room.  I can afford it now, but that’s going against the plan.  It’s jumping the gun.  Bad things happen when I do that.

I have no choice but to wait until one bill is paid off.  The suspense of how my plan will turn out is killing me.


My newest fantasy while massaging people is that of my cross-country adventure.  I decided not to go with a motorcycle, but a moped instead.  You can ride a moped anywhere and if the engine breaks down or I run out of gas, I can peddle the damn thing.  I can freely ride the cross-country bicycle trails.  That’s the main reason for wanting a moped.  I even picked out the bike I want.

Going cross-country on a highway, in my opinion, would be a shit time and the point of this expedition will turn into a destination trip and not a site seeing journey taken through winding roads through quaint towns.  Sticking with the bicycle trail is imperative.  Plus I don’t need to rely on navigating while following the path, it’s like walking the Camino.


It’s called the Survival Motoped and it’s meant to withstand the zombie apocalypse.  I can order it and put it together myself, or buy it already put together.  A very big part of me wants to buy it right now and put it together so I’ll have it ready by the time of my trip.  But that goes way against my plan.

If I put it together myself, learn how to put the engine together, the frame, the spokes, it reminds me of the book Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  I can repair it myself if it starts acting up and I learn appreciation and self-efficiency.

One night, not too long ago, while watching Netflix and eating some delicious take-out, I picked out the attire that will accompany me on my trip.

A pair of protective motorcycle blue jeans, a leather motorcycle jacket with zippered vents for the summer, protective motorcycle boots and a half helmet.  They say to wear a full helmet with this bike along with full motorcycle protective gear, but wearing full armor on a moped looks ridiculous.  Plus I’m scared a full helmet will obscure my peripherals.



And for the undershirt, I’m going with Ably.  Supposedly I can wear it everyday without having to wash it.  I pre-ordered one and it’s supposed to come sometime this month.


The Survival Motoped costs more than a Honda Grom, the original bike I wanted to go with.  But you can literally drive it anywhere and it has the same amount of CC’s as the grom, goes just as fast.  Has more storage space.  And I love the idea that I can peddle it if anything were to happen to the motor.

And it’s a zombie apocalypse inspired bike!

I’m worried about two obstacles in my way of the trip.

ONE:  Not paying off my debt in time and TWO, not being able to afford a receptionist.

I NEED a receptionist.  Without a receptionist, I’ll carry with me an impeding halo of doom.

Without a receptionist, I’ll have to wait yet another year to take my trip.  Let the seasons circle around again.  We only have 80 or so cycles of these seasons and I’m already going on number 37!


Today is Monday, my day off.  I don’t feel like doing shit.  In fact, I want to go back to sleep.  I started writing this post as soon as I woke up from my dream so not to forget it a few hours later.

And the thing with relationships being a prison, I’m not that bad when it comes to them.  Knowing that someone is out there waiting for me is comforting, but I know exactly what I want in life.  I know exactly who I am because I know what I want in life.  And I know for certain I’m prone to distraction and letting years slip by while toiling in the slog of life’s interruptions.

Not knowing or finding a paid profession that I’m in love with, makes it hard for people like me.  People who get bored after a while, who hate being told what to do.  I’m curious about everything, but not enough to spend thousands of dollars and years of my life going to school learning about something that I might get bored with and feel trapped in like a hen in Animal Farm.  The drama, the hierarchy, the scandals.

If I go back to school, it won’t be for the purpose of finding a job when I’m done.  It’ll be to continue where the professor left off.  For further research and discovery and not because I’m being paid for it.


Did you know there’s a rare disease (only 100 known cases) where your brain is unable to sleep?  It’s not regular insomnia, it’s an actual brain malfunction where it loses the ability entirely.  It’s called Fatal Famillial insomnia.  It’s mostly genetic, but the protein can also be passed on via body fluids or eating something tainted with it.  Like Mad Cow meat.  You can get it at any age even if you were born with it, you won’t know you have it until decades later.

Once it starts, you have 18 months to live.  You live with anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations and then finally dementia.  Basically it takes approximately 18 months of no sleep to kill you.


It may be my day off, but it’s also my parents anniversary (45 years) so we’re going out to eat.  I bought them an Acer laptop for their gift.  They both love it.  My Dad cruises Amazon looking at crossbows and my Mom plays her free online slot games and forwards chain emails to all her cousins.  Last night I introduced her to YouTube, my personal favorite.

It’s almost payday so I have to go to work and pick up everyone’s pay sheets to send in.



Filed under All about me, journal, Travel, work

How to Learn: Part 2

On this day last month I had $3,800 in the bank.  This month I have $4,463.  Not only that, but I’ll be getting a check from Groupon within the next few days so I’ll definitely have enough to cover all expenses.  Whatever is left over, will go towards my debt.  I’m hoping at least $1,000.  I pay $1000 of it off each month regardless through automatic payments, but I’m hoping to add another $1000 this month.  If I pay off $2000, I’ll be down to $34,400 in debt.

Come fall when I sell those pricey couple’s massages again, I can pay off $3000 or $4000 a month.  Fall will be exciting times, but I probably won’t be able to sit around with my brother’s dog watching Netflix all day.

I bought a Casio keyboard this month.  I bought it to help me increase the grey matter in my brain so I don’t get stuck with dementia.  My brain is wacky compared to other peoples.  I have so much crap going through it so I’m probably susceptible to early cognitive decline.  I always have one foot placed firmly in dreamland which is where I’m guessing dementia people reside permanently.

So I bought a keyboard and in doing so, wrote a post about how to learn.

I’ve left out the most crucial ingredient to learning!

You can only learn something new if you love what you’re learning about.  You can’t feign interest.  It doesn’t work like that unless you’re learning how to be a machine.

Learning isn’t memorization, it’s about understanding.  Just about everyone know’s that.  But when I was under Ayahuasca, she told me that we never understand anything if we don’t have experience with it and we only gain experience through emotional connection.

You can’t learn something new if you don’t have an emotional bond with it.

The kind of bond that works best for learning the piano would be a superficial love of piano music.  Superficial in the beginning, until you surprise yourself with your beautiful creations and from there, you’ll love yourself for playing but you can’t play without a piano.  You teach yourself to love the piano and the piano teaches you how to love yourself.

Hold on a tick, let me explain.

When you’re just starting out, that’s when you’re most likely to give up.  You play it once or twice and get bored or hit a wall.  “It’s not worth it” you say (unintentionally or not, people who live in denial say they are too busy).

When embarking on the Hero’s Journey, don’t focus on the journey itself.  Always have a goal.  The goal has to be strong enough for you to want to see it through to the end.  It has to come from the heart, a love bond.  Your life wouldn’t feel enriching or fulfilled if you don’t reach your goal.

The people who give up easily, don’t need to reach their goal.  It’s not a strong enough connection or they have other things that can fill them.

Doesn’t all this make sense?  It does to me.

If I were a teacher, I’d start the first lesson with “What are your goals?”  And explain to them why they are so important.  You have to want it so bad that it keeps you up at night in excitement.  You salivate when you look at a piano.

For undertaking learning how to play the piano, you’ll need a tremendous goal that does just that – keeps you awake at night with excitement.

I had a fleeting feeling of excitement when I ordered the keyboard from Amazon and I felt the adrenaline while searching for the best lesson book.  “I get to improve all my skills and my confidence, yay!”  But that goal just didn’t kick it for me.

So when I say you have to start off with a superficial love, I’m talking about the ego kind.  The “I want to be a rockstar” kind of love.  It’s superficial because it’s impermanent, fleeting, changes with the seasons but even so, it’s the kind of goal that gets your blood pumping.  And when you start seeing results, gets your blood pumping even more.

At this time of infection, it’s best to open the blister by pouring in as much of the music sickness as possible.  Go on YouTube and watch incredible talent.

The number 2 most important thing to realize during your lessons is that yes, you can do it.  Despite your shortcomings, you can do it anyway.

Never have the slightest doubt that you’re incapable.

I can’t ramble on too much about that however.  It’s what we all hear and when we hear something over and over again, it loses all meaning.

I just have to remember that I have all the time in the world, learn and understand one note at a time.  It’s actually easier to learn them in groups.  If you know where one note is, it’s easy to find the following note in relation to it.  You have to keep the whole keyboard in view to learn the notes fast enough to keep the rhythm.

But if you believe, with ALL your heart that you’re capable…..why wouldn’t you do it?  And there’s even monetary benefits for learning the piano, a hobby that can double as a career!

My goal is to be like this guy.

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Filed under Self help

Flat Earth

I googled Flat Earth theory because some asshole on YouTube said it’s where Bruce Lee got his powers from. I wasn’t expecting that it literally meant the world is flat.

There are hundreds of video’s about the earth being flat.  Books and blogs written about it.  I’ve never heard of a more crazier, zanier conspiracy theory than this.

Supposedly the North Pole is in the center of our flat earth and Antartica is the border that holds us all in and circles the diameter.  It’s actually really cool if you think about it.


This explains why planes aren’t allowed to fly over Antartica and why the military won’t let anyone go passed a certain point.

The sun and moon are the same size, satellites are fake, stars are fake, not to mention the moon landing, we’re all under one massive dome like in the movie The Truman Show.  The earth doesn’t spin or rotate, everything revolves around us.

I’m not a believer in the earth being flat mainly because of my iPhone app that shows where all the stars and satellites are even if they’re below me.  Are the app makers in on the conspiracy too?

They have arguments for everything but can’t explain a simple app on my phone.  My phone which has more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft.

But this one guy in particular has a cool theory….none of his other cohorts mentioned it.

His theory is that the earth is smeared, superimposed just like with particles and waves.  Waves are broken down when measured, they are broken down into particle form.  This guy says the earth is flat until we look at it.  It’s a flat wave of possibilities when we turn our heads away.

Forget about the world being flat, let’s take a look at time.

Physic’s can prove that past, present and future exists at this very moment simply by utilizing Einstein’s theory of relativity.

If aliens are viewing us from lightyears away, they will see our planet as it was before dinosaurs came into existence. However, if those same aliens start heading towards our planet while continuing to view us, time will fast-forward and they will see into our future. Maybe like the doppler effect? Time slows when you move away from the object you’re viewing, but speeds up and condenses when you move towards it at light speed?

I don’t know, I’ve watched a ton of YouTube vid’s about time and they can explain it better than I can.  I don’t understand the math of it, but according to them, time can fast forward or go in reverse depending on where you are in space while looking at earth.  On whether you’re coming towards it or going away, and the math and the experiments are all there to prove it.  That all time exists simultaneous.

That’s more mind-blowing to me than having a flat earth.  Who cares about a flat earth when my future can be seen by extraterrestrials?  They can watch us like a DVD with a fast forward and rewind button.  We can be stacked on their shelves with hundreds of other DVD’s depicting the beginnings and endings of numerous worlds.

A class taught at their alien high school would be “The Past, Present, and Future of our universe 101” and earth will be one of the DVD’s they play on movie day.  The little alien children love movie day.   They rest their heads and close their eyes.  They zone out or pass secret notes to each other.

I personally believe in the hologram theory.  Aliens are merely viewing our hologram, it’s not actually real what they’re seeing.  We’re not actually real.  Even at this present moment.

Let’s view it from another angle (I have gobs of time these days).

Ok, we all have DNA, right? DNA is a blueprint of everything that we are down to our personality types and mood swings. What’s printed in our DNA is predestined to happen to our bodies sooner or later.

So let’s say (for analogy purposes) DNA is the originator, and your body is the hologram emitted from the DNA originator.  Your body is a hologram because there’s something on the inner that we cannot see, orchestrating everything on the outer that we can see.

So that means the DVD about earth is the outer observation of it, it doesn’t depict the inner.  It doesn’t show the DNA portion of it.  It only depicts the likely probability of our outcome, and not the actual.

If this is true, there are multiple, infinite dimensions occupying the same space as us, using our same resources (which are also holograms).

It’s like a ship that sailed over the horizon, you can still see it because gravity refracts the light from it, but it’s not really there.  The light originates from somewhere else.

The reason I came to this conclusion is because even our DNA can be altered with what we believe.  People suffering from severe cases of multiple personality disorder can change their eye color depending on who they are at the time.  Their hologram body can’t be mapped out with their DNA since they can change it at will.  There only exists probability.  And there’s an infinite number of them.

Take for instance, the double slit experiment.

With the double slit experiment, when one single particle is fired out at a time, no matter how many times they fire one particle with absolutely zero interference from it’s brethren to get in its way, it’ll always act like a wave thereby interfering with only itself.  It splits up and the multitude of possibilities interferes with its ultimate ending location.


What does this mean?!!!!  Oh god I don’t know!  It’s ending location is guided by the laws of probability?

The picture above shows how a particle acts in wave form.  When the experimenter isn’t watching or measuring each particle, it acts like water.  Even if particles are fired out of the machine one at a time, still water.

But when the particle is being observed, it looks more like this:  Two lines of light for two slits.




I’m getting transfixed again…..oh shit.


Maybe our souls are in wave form?  And our bodies are in particle?  Oh god it’s just too much for my little brain.  Too much.

So when aliens look at us from a distance, whether it be our past or future they see, it’ll look like a wave form.  All possibilities taking place at the same time.  All dimensions gathered together in one, but consciousness can’t grasp this concept so the wave must be broken down by the viewer, the aliens who’re looking at us.  The time dimension they see is completely by random.

I need a break from this.  I’m hungry.  I haven’t eaten all day.

Whenever I dig money out of my bra and throw it on my desk at the end of the day, I look at it and you know what I think?  “Gee, I wonder how much food I can buy with that.”

It’s always about food.  I freaking love it.  My brothers dog loves it too.  He got his Bark Box in the mail today and went nuts for it.  Now he’s depressed because he ate his treat for this month and has to wait until next month to get another.

He got a new toy too so he dragged it up on my bed with him, but it’s not enough to satiate him.


I get depressed after eating something spectacular if I’m not completely full from it.  And I get depressed after doing something fun if I’m not completely worn out from it after.

As long as I’m full, and as long as I’m exhausted, I’m happy.  It’s queer when you think about it.  How most Americans work their tails off because they feel like they’re accomplishing something by being exhausted all the time and fed all the time.  And they’re too exhausted and too busy to know what they’re really missing.

Our brains tell us that exhaustion and fullness equals completeness, or satisfaction.  So we keep striving to reach that point over and over again.  At least I do anyway.  And my brothers dog too.

I got a pedicure.  My toes look pretty amazing don’t you think?  I guess that’s another one we strive for….satisfaction in looks.  It’s a new one to me, never much cared for it before I started getting fat.

I had my chin and upper lip lasered a few weeks ago and now I have zero hair on my face.  It took only that one visit.  10 minutes and $200 of my time and money.

I’m going to order take-out, come back home and watch a movie or something and I’ll continue this post later.


What about our past?  Is that a hologram too?  To the aliens, yes.  But to us, it’s our story.  It’s what makes us unique.

I think about this stuff because I want to write a time travel book one day.

The only way anyone can grasp the concept of past, present and future plus all possibilities existing simultaneously is to experience emptiness.  That’s the only way.  And I experienced it for two seconds!  It’s actually real.  What’s out there in the universe, it’s in us too.

As for the Flat Earth people……

They want the world to wake up, for us to open our eyes.  To show us that we’re brainwashed and led to believe everything we’re told by the masses.  And I love that about them, but they’re essentially becoming their own worse enemy.  The eyes wide shut type.  They don’t want to listen to reason, just that they’re the new messiah exposing truth and liberating us.  I’m pretty sure the flat earth people are all religious zealots, which is fine but, whatever.

This one guy on YouTube sounds completely sane and rational.  Down to earth with a level head.  But if you dig around looking for ANYTHING, you’re going to find it thanks to the law of 5’s.  No matter how ridiculous it may be, you’re going to find it.

Here’s his video:


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Filed under philosophy, Strange & Unusual

Shanked with Sunshine

I have somewhat of an obsessive personality but I never thought of it as that.  I always thought it was a superhuman ability to focus really well.

I have the ability to sit and stare at my debt chart for hours at a time just looking at it.  And while I sit and look, I fantasize.  I fantasize of what it would feel like once I pay off my big bill, or what it would feel like once I pay off my big bill and that other smaller one next to it.  How would it feel?  Would I feel different?  Be a different person?

And once everything is paid off, what then?

There’s a million dollar commercial property that I want.  It consists of 3 historic buildings, one of which houses our towns favorite ice-cream parlor for the last 30 years.

It’s okay to say Ice-cream parlor but it’s not okay to say massage parlor.  Pfff….semantics.

I want to put my bar/coffee/tappa’s cafe in the middle building.  It’s the perfect place.  And collect rent on the other 3 shops on the property.  The locksmith, the frame shop and ice-cream parlor.

I sit and I stare at my debt chart while fantasizing about this.  I can do this for any length of time.  I do it until something else pulls me away.  Like the bathroom, or my stomach, or I can’t keep my eyes open.

I’m now $36,400 in debt.  This month I hope to pay off $3,000 of it.  But it’s killing me.  This is torture.  Even if I pay off $3000 (which is a ton of freaking money!), I’ll still be $33,000 in debt.  It’s like a drop in the bucket.  $3000 is a mere drop in the bucket while it feels like gallons in my pants.  Truth be told, I probably can’t pay $3000 this month.

In the meantime, the 300 couple’s massages I sold on Groupon are almost all redeemed.  So I’ve been laying around a lot lately with my brothers dog.  We watch bad science fiction movies on Netflix which some of them turn out to be really good.  When we’re done watching one of them, the credits roll and Netflix challenges us to watch 3 more bad sci-fi movies.  I accept your challenge Netflix.

Me and my brothers dog watched almost all of the sci-fi movie category.  All that remains are the sharknado movies and the one about the really big Spider, what’s it called?  Oh yeah, Big Ass Spider.

I have a client today at 6:30pm.  I have my period, blah.  It’s freaking hot out today.

My therapist just told me she doesn’t think her friend will be able to work for me in the fall because now she’s getting married and plans are changing.

She was an integral part of my plan, so that sucks.

A while ago the I-Ching foretold something shitty was going to happen to me in August.  I’m trying to lay low this month, not do much.  I don’t want to spend any money anyway.  It’s already the 11th, so just a few more weeks and I’ll be free of the bad juju.

The man who ruined my business last year, his trial is on the 26th.  I think it’s his ultimate trial.  If that date comes and goes with me coasting through it without being contacted, it’s all peaches and cream from here on out.  They definitely can’t sue me once September comes.  I love the statute of limitations clause.  Thank the glory of Gods for that one I tell ya.

I woke up today with a dark cloud over my head and I don’t know why.  Things are going near perfect lately.  I mean seriously, everything is going fantastic.  Even the Melanie Haters are not hating me anymore and inviting me places and talking to me.  It’s a real brain bender.  And the business is clean and well stocked, the client/therapist ratio is spot on so everyone is booked but not over booked.  Clients are happy.  I’m making money.  I’m also laying around a great deal…..but……

Shit man, I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s my period.  Maybe it’s Anthony’s trial, maybe it’s my debt or my semi-ruined plans for the fall.

It’s a culmination of everything.  It’s the promise I made to myself to not retire from massage until I pay off my debt.  It’s the unknown variables when owning a business, if employee’s quit, if clients leave horrible reviews.  It’s the unknown variables in life in general, that anything can happen.

When things are going good, I feel more scared than when they are bad.  I’m pre-disposed to deep down misery, but my deep down misery is being shanked with sunshine.  I say deep down because nobody can see it on the outside.  I’m a happy optimist-go-lucky on the outside.  My misery grounds me and keeps me stable.  It’s what spurs my dry humor. I’m equally miserable as I am happy and I like it that way.  I’d be miserable if not for misery.

Where does my misery come from?  Taxes, not being free, having to work hard only to die in the end, you know, the norm.

But I feel so grateful.  Insanely grateful.  I kiss the walls of my business every time I leave it at night.  I kiss the damn walls and say “I love you”!

You have no idea how much has changed since I moved the business.  The place is nearly perfect in every way.  My future has never looked brighter or more promising.

I wish I can tell you more so you’d understand.  The cement in my chest is gone.  But if I write about it, it just sounds like bullshit.

I wonder if by me being half miserable, I get my gratefulness from that?

Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you.  Oh yeah, I’m basically talking to myself here.

Rational Brain – “No you’re not, I’m here.”

And what do you have to say?

Rational Brain – “Go to sleep.  Do NOT watch Ip Man: The Final Fight.  GO TO SLEEP.  Its almost 12:30 in the morning!”

Just five minutes, please?  Then I’ll sleep. It helps me sleep.

Rational Brain – “You’re incorrigible.”

It’s so hard to want to sleep.  Nobody’s calling, emailing, texting.  No clients to massage.  If the only real currency is time, I feel I’m rich with it at night and it’s all mine to do as I please.  I’m horribly selfish with time.

I wonder if all night owls are selfish with their time?  People who don’t want to work, don’t want to have kids or a relationship, I wonder if they love night as much as I do.  This doesn’t pertain to insomniacs who can’t sleep, but to people who don’t want to sleep.  They’d rather solve puzzles, read books, write…etc.

I’m going to name my bar My Time since it’s really the only currency there is.

It’s supposed to be a phase in life, to go to bed late and wake up late.  It’s part of young adulthood.  I read an article about it.  It starts shifting back to normal once you’re in your 30’s, back to when you were a kid who got up early.


It’s a few days later.

I slept a lot.  A lot a lot.  I went to bed at 8PM, woke up at 12:30AM, went back to sleep at 1:30AM and woke up at 12PM and here I am laying in bed on my day off.  A beautiful wondrous day off.

I’m about to watch a documentary called Flat Earth on YouTube.  I have no idea what it is, but supposedly Bruce Lee knew about it’s secrets and that’s where he got his power from.


Filed under All about me, journal

How to Learn

In my last post I wrote about how schools should teach a class on how to learn.  To me, it makes perfect sense.

Here’s how I’d do it:

First I’d start with philosophy, predominately, Joseph Campell’s “A Hero’s Journey.”  Why?  I’ll get to that in a moment.  First let me explain in the simplest way possible, what A Hero’s Journey entails.

It’s basically the blueprint of every story ever made.  Short or long, same story, same blueprint.


There are challenges we face when we go against the norm.  When we shine just a tad brighter than required in our situation, there’s an unbalance.  There’s also an unbalance when we shine a little dimmer than the rest, and that’s okay too!  The story happens on the onset of unbalance, of change.

Beginning your adventure into learning how to learn with the hero’s journey will welcome challenges into your life big or small.  It will provide a framework on how to approach life’s problems, questions, and greatest mysteries without running from them.

Anything that may arise, anything out of the ordinary – something that you have not learned yet, is treated with respect and care.  Each QUESTion becomes a quest and the “ion” part of it is the molecular imbalance from not knowing the answer.

Oh god that’s dorky.

Okay ok, you get the idea though, right?  The idea is to not get distracted or bored when searching for an answer that’s not easily satisfied.  This method unlocks the blocks in your head, the blocks making you a complete imbecile.  Will you become a drama queen?  Maybe.  But that might become a fun-loving quirky quality that others find adorable.

All you have to do is treat each question or curiosity like a microcosm of a hero’s journey.  And that’s it.  No matter what age you are, you can start chipping away at those blocks in your head.

Basically, it teaches you not to give up.

While you’re learning about the hero’s journey, it’s especially important to accept yourself and the limits you unintentionally placed.  If you don’t accept yourself, that’s your first dimwitted block right there.  It’s nearly impossible to learn anything if you don’t give yourself a chance.  It’s VERY important to acknowledge your limitations.  Acknowledge all your negative thoughts, the low self-esteem, low worth, loneliness, stupidity, whatever they may be, accept all of them.  They are part of the quest.  They are vital to the quest!  Without these embarrassing and heart wrenching character traits and limitation, there would be no meaning to any of it.

Not only would there not be meaning, but it’s impossible to learn anything if you don’t accept and acknowledge your limitations.

Why is this important?  Isn’t it more important to wash away demons and scoff at them?

They’re important because they are part of you and before you embark on anything, you must accept everything there is about you.  The good and bad.  That is, if you ever want to improve.

But why?

It’s part of learning patience.

Never underestimate the power of patience.  Patience is more powerful than love, more powerful than addiction.  Patience can withstand anything if you truly have it.

When you understand what patience is, and not just the intellectual meaning of the word, that’s your window.  If you’ve already experienced this, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  With patience, you can literally accomplish anything in a relatively short amount of time.

Allow for mistakes.

I’ve had one experience with patience, just one!  And that one experience taught me its true meaning.  It’s not about “putting up” with someone or something.  Or taking a deep breath and allowing for slip-ups.

Patience, when experienced properly, is about change and evolving.  More like, stepping aside to allow room for something to happen.  And somehow, you know exactly what to do once you let patience take hold (once you step aside).  You learn in your own unique manner.  You step aside, but you are somehow fully engaged.

It’s motion in stillness.  Stillness in the mind, even though it’s active.  But not active in the things that normally occupy your attention.  It’s kung-fu, really.

Then you realize you’re experiencing something extraordinary.  Your inherent genius.

To gain this zen-like quality of patience, it has everything to do with time.  This is where patience and time are intertwined, but unlike it’s intellectual definition of the word, it has absolutely nothing to do with waiting.

The true definition of patience means that you have all the time in the world, so take your time.  Don’t rush.  Time is inconsequential.  It has nothing to do with waiting.  Nothing to do with inactivity.   Patience is stillness.  That’s all that it is.  And it’s essential for learning.

How do you teach someone patience?

My best bet is to do it with mindful meditation.  With meditation, you can see your own thought process and separate yourself from that which does not matter.

Why I’m horrible at learning

The way my brain is set up, I take the shortest route possible.  I’m “destination orientated” and want nothing more than to get the job done as quickly and as comfortably as possible.

I also convey thoughts and feelings with as little verbiage as possible.  I zip to the point.  I don’t like to think about the in-between fluff.

For example, if I were sampling wine, I wouldn’t say words like “it’s opulent taste has a creamy decadence much like that of a velvety waterfall of refined chocolate.”

Instead I would say, “that’s good.”

Unfortunately for me, it’s the in-between fluff where learning happens.  Where the neurons in your brain make the most connections.  Connecting not only your 5 senses, but memory as well.

Saying “that’s good”, is the lazy way out.  Not the Hero’s Journey way.

5 lessons will be devoted to describing things.  A lesson for touch, a lesson for sight, sound, smell, and taste.  The student must use all 5 senses to describe what they are seeing, tasting, touching, etc… And also a memory it reminds them of.

Doing this will cause the student to engage their “full” brain and not just the essential parts.

You don’t need a class to teach this, you can practice it on your own with anything you eat and drink.  Each time you eat and drink, describe it with all your senses.  You can do it in private, no one has to know.  It’ll only take a few moments.  Prepare yourself with a list of adjectives ahead of time.

Doing this will also teach appreciation and gratitude.  And not to scarf down your food without tasting it first.

My mini Hero’s Journey

Happened two days ago when I taken a small adventure to Brooklyn with my friend to see Erykah Badu.  We went to the concert, stayed over-night, and the next day drove around galavanting.

One destination was the Green-Wood cemetery to find famous people buried there, particularly William Poole, AKA Bob the butcher from Gangs of New York.

I was about ready to give up.  It was 100 degree’s and I was thirsty and hungry.  I also felt the repercussions of not having exercised for the past 3 years.

I usually never want to give up.  I keep at it until I’m fully satisfied but I’m realizing that with no exercise and poor diet, I don’t feel like doing shit.  I give up easily, I feel stupid, I never want to exert myself.  The lazier I get, the lazier I get.

My friend reminded me of my old self, the one who has the stamina to never give up.  We drove around and walked around until finally we saw Bob’s final resting place and a few other graves and landmarks.

The alter to Liberty was my favorite.  The miniature statue of Liberty at the cemetery faced the large statue of Liberty many miles away on Statin Island.  They had a clear unobstructed view of one another and they were saluting each other.

After the cemetery, my friend realized she stolen her brothers phone charger and wanted to return it to him.

“Oh shit” I thought.  “At this rate we’ll never get home and we’ll have to sit in traffic, find a parking spot and it’ll take hours.”

Me thinking – “If I were her, I’d mail it back.  Take the easy most comfortable route.”

But not her.  She wanted to give it back ASAP.

And I was right about the traffic, right about the parking, but once we were at the destination, I ended up hanging out with her sister-in-law at her soap making business, then grabbing some tapas at a wonderful bar.  I ate great food and met a fantastic person, two counting the bartender.

All because of fate.  It was a Hero’s Journey and instead of making the choice to opt out of it when it presented itself, my friend chosen the harder, more memorable journey.

I can’t believe how much my weight contributes to my decision making.  I never struggled with weight before, I didn’t grow up with it.  So I can see from an outsiders perspective how it impacts my life.  I can see it especially when I’m around someone who is more like my old self than my new one.  I’ve changed and it has all to do with weight gain.

Anyway, I’ve been writing this post for weeks.  If I think of adding anything else, I’ll do it in another post.

Exercising and getting in shape is definitely considered a Hero’s Journey.

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Day Off Ramble

What came first, the stomach or the mouth?

Without the stomach, we wouldn’t need a mouth and without a mouth, there wouldn’t be need for a stomach.

Thinking about this makes me want to nap.

It’s my day off and I was going to go hiking, run some errands, install a shelf, call a friend, and sit at the coffee house to blog but instead, I’m laying in bed.  The worlds number one most laziest girl.

I’m on a tight budget for the next few weeks, or month.  It’s July 18th and I have $3,800 in the bank.  $2000 of it goes towards paying my workers, $1675 for rent, Geico, verizon, and Amazon credit card are all still due ($400 roughly) and that leaves me with negative $275.  I can easily make $275, but my property taxes are also due ($300), so I need to make at least $575 by the end of the month.

It’s totally doable, no question about it.  It’s just that I hate this.  My quarterly taxes were due this month, last month my employee’s got paid three times instead of two, and all my groupon money went towards paying off my debt.

I mean, the business is doing fine, really.  If I didn’t have debt, I’d have $17,000 more in the bank than I do right now, possibly more.  But I couldn’t pay off any chunks of it last month or this month, it’s at a standstill yet again.

But I have plans, as always.  Plans that don’t require a gamble like pricey marketing scams or adding facials to the menu.  I lost a lot of money through gambles.  No, just simple marketing by handing out coupons to new clients.

I’m starting a new type of membership program, one where clients don’t have to get charged every month.  As long as they come in once a month, they can get the membership rate.

Our members don’t come in every month, so there’s a mass ton of massages we have to give and the money I received from these massages is long spent.  Adding more members is not the solution for this business, but clients who pay at the time of their visit is.

I like the coupon idea.  It’ll actually save us money and hassle in the long run.  There are equal pro’s and con’s to each membership program and I’m putting the choice in the clients hands on what to do.

Vista Print will ship the coupons out in a week or so and when I get them, I’m going to sell a few groupons to get new clients in here to see how well this idea works.

Anyway, my Alaskan trip was great.  My host, the guy who paid for half my ticket, I didn’t know him all that well before the trip but he really opened up this time.  Spending a week with anybody can do this.  He relaxed and felt comfortable and talked to me like one of his good buddies.  That’s exactly how I want everyone to talk to me.  It’s about truth and honesty.

Guys are definitely easier to get along with than girls.  Girls don’t relax like guys do, or let down their guards.  We evolved into being manipulative due to our lack of strength and dependance.


I read an article about how to increase grey matter in the brain and it said to play an instrument, play video games (um, yes!), learn a new language, play chess….etc.

I downloaded an app for chess and learned how to play.

I thought chess was only for intelligent people but it turns out to be just like any other game I played.  I thought it would be too difficult to be addicting but no, it’s not difficult and it IS very addicting.  It’s no different than playing spider solitaire which I had a HUGE addiction to and had to delete the game.

I’ve been playing every chance I get.  In-between clients, while watching tv.  On my phone or on my laptop.

That’s what I’ve been doing instead of blogging.  Playing chess.

But I can actually feel a difference in my brain.  It’s becoming more calculating.

Most of what we do is automaton.  Our brains are involuntarily digesting food, pumping oxygen to our toes, hearing and viewing the outside world.  Allowing habits to form so they too can become involuntary.

I believe the only time we actually use our heads is when we’re actively learning.  Problem solving is a form of learning.  Communicating is not always a form of learning and can also become habitual.  We don’t really listen to each other because we assume we already know what the other is saying.  And like with any habit (tough to break), can be nearly impossible getting through to some people.

Our brains are turned off for most of the day.  That’s pretty crazy, right?

But since I started playing chess, it’s like a juggernaut.  I want more.  Like why does an explosion happen when you split the nucleus of an atom?  Why isn’t there any radiation in Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

(I’m reading a WWII novel)


“Learning” can also become habitual.  When you don’t really understand an answer, you give up on it.  It’s too much trouble.  In essence, you teach yourself how to not learn anything and by doing this, blocks form in your head.

Some people can’t understand the simplest of concepts due to these blocks.

Stupidity can only be taught by the person doing the teaching, and we can only teach ourselves.  Real teachers are only guides, we ultimately teach ourselves.  There should be a class on how to learn.


Why I think angry people are stupid people…

I got angry the other day at a client scamming our business.

I never get angry, so when it happened, I jumped at the opportunity to analyze it.

I felt threatened.  That’s all it came down to.

Anger, broken down to it’s simplest form, is about feeling threatened.  A feeling that you can’t beat the other person.  You can’t win at their game.  Sometimes the opponent is yourself (not being good at anything, feeling like a loser).

Whether it be your ego, your value, your personality being threatened, ideals or beliefs, or your peace of mind (happens when you get annoyed), anger manifests.

The amount of anger you feel is in relation to the amount of worry, or lack of control you have over the situation.  The more hopeless, the angrier you get.  The anger makes you feel powerful enough so you can beat your opponent, but in actuality it does little but cloud your perception of truth.

Perhaps phobia’s are a form of anger?  I’ll get to that later….

That’s why some people can’t handle debating.  If they are unequipped (stupid), they’ll get angry because they can’t formulate their argument, they can’t sway you.  They’d rather shut down and tell you to “go fuck yourself”, than to deal with facing their own inadequacies and holes in their belief system.

Denial is a river of stupidity forever openly flowing.

It happens when you make blocks in your head by being too lazy (or too busy) to understand an answer, so you make assumptions to replace understanding.  Hence the holes in your belief system.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, where was I?  Oh yeah, my client made me angry.  Almost the trembling kind (that’s the worst).

I analyzed it and at the heart of it, I felt she was threatening my business.

Now, in the past, as most of you know, I had a bad run of it.  My business wheels were crumbling on the road to failure.  The feelings I went through during that disastrous time left an imprint, a wordless feeling, ominous.  Anything, or any person who threatens my business hooks me back up to that ominous emotion I felt during the time my business was falling apart.

While I no longer should feel threatened, things are okay now, I still have that emotional imprint.  Like you remember how burlap feels rough on your skin, you can remember how you felt when your life was shattering.  It’s always there and you can never forget.

As soon as I realized she can’t hurt my business, my anger released.  And I mean the instant I realized this.  I still felt the physical residue of anger, the heightened blood pressure and adrenaline, but I told myself those are only the physical symptoms and will soon go away.

It’s hard getting rid of emotion while your physical body wants to hold onto it.  You may have found your answer, but you still feel upset.  You think nothing has been solved, so you cycle through it again until you fall asleep and wake up the next day feeling great.  It’s all just stress hormones.

Angry people can’t separate the past from the present.  They are constantly being tied back in.  The older they get, the more shit they go through, the angrier and more hopeless they become.  Every little nuance, the smallest of troubles, can become mole hills.

The worst of these angry people put up brain blocks by not taking the time to understand something, so they taught themselves how to be stupid.  They assume too much, filling in the holes with an already shotty belief system.  They can’t debate.  Can’t face truth.  They’re angry and half the time don’t know why.

They have the potential to be smart, so on the outside they might seem fine, but with all the blocks and assumptions, or even just being tied into past emotions, it’s a recipe for anger.

Maybe angry people aren’t stupid, but they’re weak.  They don’t believe they have all the power.


In other news, I made an appointment to get laser hair removal done on my face.  On my upper lip and under my chin.  I bought a whole package of them through the barter network.

Before I go under the laser, I can’t pluck or wax my hair.  There needs to be stubble.  So I’m giving myself one month of no plucking to make sure every little hair follicle is at the surface ready to be zapped.  The med spa said I’m allowed to shave though…..

It’s incredibly hard not to pluck.  I habitually rub my face up and down throughout the day checking for any stubble and when I find something, I pluck it out and it feels so good.  The thicker and darker the hair, the better it feels when I pull it out.  I look forward to my nightly pluckings.

But wow, to see them all growing together like this, I really am a hairy beast girl.  I didn’t shave yesterday and it looked like I had a five o’clock shadow.  If I don’t shave my face, I’m habitually rubbing my stubble.  The temptation to pluck is incalculable.

My appointment is August 1st, I’m only on day 18.  18 days of no plucking.  And I probably can’t pluck until the last laser treatment is done.

If it actually works, I’ll never have to worry again about what I look like while taking one of my wacky treks through unknown lands.  I’ll not need my mirror.


It’s now 5:30pm, I safely made it though most of the day by lounging.  I didn’t have any work emergencies thank god.  But I missed my window for a nap.  I think I shall play chess and watch Limits of Perception on Amazon prime.

I’m a dorky, weird, hairy lazy beast girl who writes 1800 words “just for fun”.  And I recently beat my video game, that’s another reason why I’m blogging today.

I think the stomach came first.

Oh, I was going to write about how phobia’s are connected to anger…..

Anger is more like a battle, you can either win or lose against your opponent.  Anger is not resolved.

Phobia’s are what happens after you lost the battle.  Not only have you lost, but years later, those scars still remain.  Triggers can hook you up directly to emotions of the past.

How do you explain an aerophobic person who never flew in a plane before?  It’s tied in with something else, an entirely different past experience.  Different experience, but same emotion.

Phobia’s are unresolved battles that you’ve lost.  The more you panic, the more hopelessness you feel.  The physical response of reliving and retrieving stress hormones from the past only exacerbates the matter.  Your body can’t relax no matter how calm your senses.  It’s autoimmune, first response.  Emotion comes before thought.  You’re caught in the grip of panic without knowing what’s causing it.  And when you realize, it’s too late.  Your body refuses to cooperate with reasoning.


Holy crap listen to this…..I’m watching Limits of Perception and you want to hear something cool?

When the earth starts heating up for whatever reason, don’t know the reason due to chaos theory, the earth metabolizes itself and you want to know how?  Oceans start getting warmer, plankton produce and multiply faster in warm water and plankton produces a molecule called DMS.  DMS causes water to condense into droplets, making clouds brighter and shinier to reflect the suns heat back into space.  These juiced up water droplets end up cooling the earth.

Plankton, a micro-organism, saves us from extinction every time a heat wave strikes.

And these little guys love the sun, but their own love of the sun causes clouds to appear.  It’s sort of an analogy for letting go.  If you hold on too tight, keeping watch and waiting (wading in the water like plankton), the sun will never appear.

Shit, I think I’m done for today.  I should probably eat something.



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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts, Self help