Change of Plans

Today is another day of no work.  My dog woke me up from my sleep coma which consisted of 9 and a half hours of sleep this time.  I had pretty pleasant dreams.

What will bring me out of bed today?  Let me check the weather…it says rain at 3:00.  I want to go for a walk.  Sleeping Giant might still be closed though from the big hurricane we had a few weeks ago.

What to do what to do…

I got my ukulele.  I guess I can play that.

There’s a ton of new movies on Netflix I can watch and there’s a new season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmitt – don’t ask me how but that show makes me laugh hysterically.

I owe over $1700 in taxes this month.  How the hell did that happen?!  It’s a good thing I didn’t buy that electric bicycle or I’d be freaking out about now.

My new business in Bozrah will take a while until it starts getting busy.  I spoke with Groupon about it and they told me it’s not like it used to be.  They no longer sell hundreds of deals all at once, plus there aren’t that many people that live out in Bozrah who’d want to buy those deals.   So I told Breanna she can work in my Cheshire location for now.  That way she can quit Massage Envy.  She’s quitting today as we speak.

It turns out that I really like Breanna and the client she massaged loved her.

My new business has 35 unredeemed vouchers and 27 redeemed vouchers.  Once we work up the number of unredeemed vouchers to about 80, we’ll be pretty consistent with staying booked up.  It’s just getting to that 80 voucher mark that’s the hurdle.  It’s just a waiting game.

Yesterday was my pool league.  I didn’t want to slug down beer after beer like I normally do.  Instead I nursed one beer all during my match game.  I played a woman, Gina, who is very good but I still managed to beat her in both games.  It was the first time my opponent didn’t win at all against me.  Why?  Because I wasn’t drinking.

I was all set with beer yesterday.  I didn’t feel the need to wolf them down.  But this guy, Mike, was there who insisted on buying me drinks for the rest of the night.  It’s like when a smoker offers an ex-smoker cigs.  Hard to refuse.  I ended up drinking as many beers as I normally do, only, I didn’t have to pay for them.

I’m a VIP player in my team.  Since I’m a level 2, Nicole, our team captain, can play our heavy hitters, Ryan and Jon.  And since we want to keep me a level 2, Nicole can sacrifice me when it’s time for me to lose a game by pinning me up against a high level player.  And since I’m a decent shot, I usually score at least one point against them.  I’m the sacrificial lamb the team needs in order to win.  It’s why we’re so good.  We are so good because I’m both a strong and weak player.  I’m a walking contradiction just like in my everyday life – a lazy successful business owner.

I’m opening up Sound Alchemy Massage inside my other business starting next month.  I’m doing it sooner rather than later because at this rate, I’m not going to be able to take my trip to Bar Harbor anyway.  Not with it being this slow in Bozrah.  Once it’s set up in Cheshire, I’ll send out the email promoting it and this new venture will finally start paying for itself.

After that, I’ll just have to wait until we have 80 unredeemed vouchers and I’ll hire another therapist to take over in Bozrah.  Then I go on my Bar Harbor adventure.  That’s the plan at least.

Anyway, enough laying around, I’m going to take a shower.

 

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Bouba and Kiki

It’s Saturday.  I haven’t worked since Wednesday.  Sleep coma’s are becoming an even bigger problem than usual.

It’s just that I don’t have any reason to get out of bed.  I’m a homebody by nature, content wherever I am.  10 hours of sleep each night is nothing unusual for me.

I feel like I can out-sleep anyone.  Anyone except Hana.  Her habits were surprisingly worse than mine with staying up later than me, eating more than me, spending hoards of cash, being more impulsive.  All of my worst habits, she has them tenfold.  And trust me, I can be pretty bad.

My problem is that I don’t have anything to look forward to.  Sure I have my friends, I go places and have fun, but what I’m missing is more than just run-of-the-mill shenanigans.  I need a project to work on.  Something that makes me excited to get up everyday.

My Bozrah project got me excited, it got me up in the morning, gave me reason – but stupid Groupon isn’t selling our deals like expected.  So now it’s just another worry, another liability.

What am I missing in life?  I’ve always been like this, as far back as I can remember.  I’m lacking a reason to get up.  I lack an obsession.

Beer used to be my motivator.  “If I go here, I can have a beer.”  “If I have tomorrow off, I can get away with drinking tonight.”  “Let’s call so and so and grab a drink somewhere.”

Beer has been my number one motivator, my number one reason for getting out of bed each day – for as long as 15 years it’s been my only reason.  But I haven’t been working much, so my number one reason for waking up each day is becoming my worst nightmare.  It’s like if you want your kid to stop smoking, you make him smoke an entire pack – It’s like that with me, with beer.

But I do love it.  Even just one bottle of beer makes me feel wonderful – just one freaking bottle is all I need.

Adonis, my employee, the one who wanted to speak to me last Wednesday, asked me if he can be business partners with me 50/50.  And because I was drinking beer, I remained nice and calm and didn’t show my rage.

I was expecting him to quit and I was okay with him quitting actually.  I started planning my next move and looking forward to the possibilities.

I told him I’d think about it even though I wanted to shout out “hell no!”  Instead, I let it fester for one night and had horrible nightmares because of it.  Nightmares of people moving in – literally moving into my business.

When I woke up the next day from my sleep coma, he texted me saying he’d like to discuss it again with me and I replied with a simple, “It’s not going to happen, sorry.”

I could’ve given him a long list of reasons as to why it’s a ludicrous idea, but it wasn’t worth it to me to get all riled up again.  I didn’t give any explanation, just a flat no.

Goddamned millennials.

It’s Saturday, yet another day off.  I can pick up the phone and call someone, but like I said earlier, I need more excitement than the same old shit I’ve been doing all my life.  I don’t have any ambition for calling anyone up.  And my greatest motivator, beer, is losing its magic.

I keep thinking “what if I had my electric bicycle?  Would that motivate me to get out of bed?”

Maybe, but I love having money in the bank.  I feel safe and good with money in the bank.  If I buy the bike now, that lovely feeling will be gone.

*****************************

It’s now Monday.  I’ve been doing fiddly squat for days on end.  Well, I did manage to clean my room, make a new improved debt chart ($9,000 in debt), and yesterday I ventured out to buy two things I’ve been craving – kimchi and french onion soup.  And then I bought a smart ukulele on Amazon for $159 out of boredom.  I went on Amazon just to look around, like taking a stroll downtown to window shop, and within 5 minutes of my “window shopping”, I bought a ukulele.

If I want something that costs less than $200, I buy it without much hesitation.  I want it and I simply buy it.  The fret board lights up to tell you where to put your fingers, and they have games to play.  It’s like Guitar Hero but with actual learning a real instrument.  I’m pretty damn excited about it.

********************************

In one of my video games (Persona 5), they taught me about Bouba and Kiki.

It’s when the name of a thing sounds like the way it’s shaped.  I learned this on my own in one of my autistic moments as a kid.  I did this with numbers and how each number had it’s own personality based on its shape and sound.  5’s were my favorite for some reason.

Anyway, if you look at the two images, the one on the left is Kiki.  It sounds sharp, has sharp angles.  Bouba sounds gelatinous like the image on the right.

My name, Melanie, is gelatinous.  It’s the sound my sleep coma’s would make, if they were to make a sound, it would sound like my name.  I can’t help thinking that if I had a different name, like Katie Couric, Crystal, Lisa, Susie, J.K Rowling – If I had a Kiki sounding type of name, maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess?  Maybe I wouldn’t be content sleeping 10 hours a day and lounging for the rest?

If only I had my electric bicycle now, and my ukulele, I can ride it somewhere and sit down to play in the park, or ride it to a friends house and we can sing together.

I have odd ambitions.

I’m going to take a shower and go rollerblading.  What a life, eh?

 

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Just Another Stupid Wednesday

I’m sitting in the lounge in Bozrah while my new therapist, Breanna, massages her first client. I’m not feeling that great. I’m wracked with worry over my dog. He’s been sick and today he started limping. We taken him to the vet and she gave him antibiotics. And another reason for my worry is that my male therapist, Adonis, whom been working for me for almost five years wants to have a sit down to discuss something important. He just sprung it on me on my way over here to Bozrah. I told him to meet me at Wood N Tap tonight. It’s trivia night and I was going to be there anyway.

I hate my sensitivity to stress. I need to just breathe and let it go. I already decided I can handle it if he quits and not only that, I’d be able to replace him with a female independent contractor instead of an employee. It works out better for me.

I hope Breanna is doing ok in there. It’s her first day. I hear the wind chimes crackling away in there, a bit too much for my tastes.

I had a client today in Cheshire and then went home to nap. While I was napping, my phone exploded with a gazillion texts. My phone was on silent. One of those texts was Breanna telling me she got booked for today.

I leapt up in hyperdrive and scrambled to get my pants on. I looked at the clock, the client would be there in one hour.

“Holy fuck I’m not going to make it! She doesn’t even have a key! I didn’t go over anything with her!”

Luckily my landlord was here to let her in. I didn’t make it in time for the massage. She was already in session by the time I got here. Stress man, I’m telling you.

Igor, my other therapist, just texted me about a strong pot smell in our little closet area. Ugh….Adonis, if you want to leave me, leave. Please. No need to discuss it with me for a half an hour while I try to win at trivia.

I just want to go home and hug my dog.

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Yin and Yang

I just woke up from a sleep coma.  I went to sleep at 1:30AM and woke up at noon.  10 and a half hours of blissful sleep.

My dreams were awesome too.  I dreamt I was vacationing in Thailand, the water was an incredible crystal light blue, everyone on the beach having fun and eating rainbow colored snow cones.  What was up with the snow cones?  I have no idea but I wanted a snow cone and was able to get one from a very nice sidewalk vendor.

In another dream, me, my mom and dad were asked to house-sit for someone’s mansion.  As payment for our efforts, we could choose any car in his garage to keep.  And while we were housesitting, we had unlimited supply of money to spend however we liked.

I remember the car perfectly, but I’m not sure what type of car it was.  Hold on, I’ll google it…..

This is it.  All the cars looked similar to this one except the one I drove was brown, green and tan.  A Rolls Royce.

So, what’s new in the life of Melanie?  Only that of blissful joy.  Well, what I mean by blissful joy is that I have money in the bank, more on the way, a full tank of gas and not a whole lot of hard work scheduled in my immediate future.  I’m looking at the life of Riley here.

I’m working on a plan for acquiring my electric bicycle and I also set out a time-line for my new business, Sound Alchemy Massage.

I’ll be commandeering one of the massage rooms at my other business and Sound Alchemy will start taking clients in Cheshire starting in September.  I will have a massage business inside a massage business.  If I do this, I will be able to cross-promote both businesses and combine all emails into one massive data-base.  I’ll make profits immediately and once that happens, I’ll get to expand once again to another location.

I’m waiting until September for two reasons:  1) Summer is not a good time to open a massage business being that it’s slow and 2) I’d like to at least try to buy an electric bicycle so I can ride it to Bar Harbor, Maine, on an adventure cycling trail before fall sets in.

I have $444 saved towards my electric bicycle.

I also decided to no longer order take-out and only eat the food my mother makes for me.  This consists of pasta, hamburgers, chicken, and hot dogs.  Last night was hot dog and beans.

I normally spend upwards of $30 a day on take-out.  It ranges from $20-$30.  I’m also in the habit of eating the entire meal in one sitting because it’s freaking delicious.

My eating and spending habits are about to go back to the way they were before meeting Hana who threw my habits completely out of whack.

Anyway, in other news, I massaged a lady with MS the other day.  She was in a bad state.  Her and her husband both came in for a massage, an old couple with the husband pushing his wife in a wheelchair.  I had to help get her on the massage table.

This was difficult for me in many ways.  First of all, I’m not licensed to handle a person like this.  I don’t know the proper way to lift a crippled woman.  We finally got her on the table, but we couldn’t get her to lay face down – she’s not able to turn face down without rolling off the table.  I kept trying to cover her up, she was laying there completely naked, flopping around, but her husband kept uncovering her saying “she can move around better if she’s not covered.”  This was very disturbing to me.  I felt I was being selfishly disturbed by it.  Selfish in the way that I didn’t want to see an old naked crippled woman and disturbed in the way of if you accidentally see your grandmother naked.

I saw what the problem was and there was no way we’d be able to get her to lay face-down, so I opted for side-lying.

Me – “I’ll be right back.  I’ll get you a long body pillow so you can lay comfortably on your side while I massage your back.”

And that’s just what I did.  The woman was so nice, so innocent.  Her mind was still intact, but there was something sweet about her.

I massaged her hands.  She was missing three fingers on her left hand, but the fingernails that she did have were painted.  When I seen this, it felt like a warm wave washed over me.  Something about old people still dressing up and looking nice, strikes a cord with me.  Especially when they’re suffering and in pain.  There’s something so precious and beautiful about it.  Dressed up in their Sunday best, wearing their little hats and carrying their little handbags.  It’s insanely precious and drives me crazy.

This feeling extends to all people really, when they take the time to dress up, put on make-up and doing their hair all nice – I love and appreciate it.  It’s like, they don’t have to look nice, but they do it anyway.  They do it because it makes them feel better.  Almost like they’re trying to feel better.  They’re not giving up.

Trying and not giving up are attributes I deeply, vehemently hold the upmost respect for.  And when it comes to appearance, when a person dresses up to look nice, there’s something so fragile and naked about it.  You can see the care and respect they desire for themselves.

I went to Vermont for Memorial day weekend to visit Amy and Mike.  I love the look and feel of Vermont.  The houses are livable, but most are old and wrecked.  They’d be marked condemned in Cheshire Connecticut standards.  But in Vermont, it’s okay.  “Live however you like” is the vibe I get from the place.  No one judges and no one gives a shit.

I love that people don’t give a shit in Vermont.  I love their crappy houses!  It’s Wabi Sabi, it’s beautiful.  And I love their lackadaisical view of appearances.  But what I don’t understand is how can I love both worlds?  How can I hold respect and appreciation for polar opposites?

Maybe it has something to do with Yin and Yang.  Dark and light, masculine and feminine.

Wikipedia describes Yin as negative/passive/female principle in nature.  Also symbolizes the moon, shaded orientation, covert; concealed; hidden, negative,  overcast, sinister; treacherous.

Yin would obviously represent the people who enjoy dressing themselves up with makeup and fine clothes.  Not that that’s to be considered treacherous, but I guess maybe considered a white lie if you really think about it.

Wikipedia describes Yang as positive/active/male principle in nature, the sun,  in relief,  open; overt,  belonging to this world.

Both worlds are dependent on each other.  Yin represents birth, basically what is unknown to us – it’s the dark side that happens before we’re born and after we die.

Yang is life, but it springs from Yin.  The brightness of Yang is born out of the darkness of Yin.  Maybe at times, you have to be treacherous in order to be good?  I don’t know.

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What’s New This Week?

It’s May 23rd.  I haven’t posted anything in over a week.  I guess not much happened except to say my pool league and I will not be going to Vegas after all.

I can spin it into a long drawn out tail, but it doesn’t change the fact that we lost.  We lost by one measly point.  We were down to the wire, almost mid-night, I was up against a 5 or a 6 level player – I’m only a level 2.  Everyone from both teams stood still in silent anticipation as they watched my opponent and I duke it out.

I scored a point, and needed one more to win.  The rest of my team had shit luck so it all came down to me.  I was the last man on deck when usually I’m the first to shoot.

Truth is, I could’ve beaten him if I hadn’t drank so much but I was nervous as hell.  I kept him on the rails all night though, he took me seriously and brought his A game.  Everyone was getting so tired, our game lasted forever and everyone knew I had a fair shot at winning it.  We were all on edge.

So anyways, that happened.

Something else happened too.  We had such a good Mother’s Day turn out with selling gift certificates, so good in fact that I can buy an electric bicycle and ride it up to Bar Harbor Maine this year.  I can’t ride it across the whole goddamned country like I originally planned, but I can make it to Bar Harbor and back.  It’s 800 miles and will take me at least 17 days to complete.  800 miles there and back I mean.

While I was brushing over the possibility in my head, I went on Adventure cycling.com to check for any updates regarding their GPS technology.  Last time I checked, two years ago, there weren’t any straight forward GPS apps.  Just paper maps and zip files.

Serious bicycle tourists would spend upwards of $400 for a special waterproof GPS unit that can be strapped to their handlebars.  The cyclist can then download zip files of maps into that special GPS unit.  It sounds all very complicated and pricey to me.

But two years later and well….yeah, there’s an app for that.  Adventure cycling partnered with Google Maps and now we have turn-by-turn navigation.  It even shows you where all the campsites and bike shops are.  It’s incredible to say the least.

But the ebike I want costs $4000…….I can’t afford $4000.  I can’t go on this trip even with the easy nav app they got now.

I went online to check out the latest electric bicycles and found a really good one for a mere $2500.  The battery on the $2500 bike is even better than the one on the $4000 bike.  The bike is from Electric Bike Company who manufactures their bicycles in California.

My dream of riding a bicycle all the way to Bar Harbor became a little more possible after discovering this bike.  And with the new GPS app, making it nearly impossible to get lost…..well, it was the feather that pushed me over.

And that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m looking at the ebike and looking at my bank account.  It’ll be tight.  Very tight.  Especially with having to pay my lawyer another 5 grand any day now.  If I don’t do anything, if I don’t buy an ebike, I’ll not have to worry about money for a while but it’s like I purposely do this to myself.

I forgot when this plan all came together.  Having the money, finding a better, less expensive bike, the easy navigation app – it’s been at least a week.  And in this past week, I’ve been having trouble sleeping because I’m excited.  This always happens when I’m excited.  I can’t sleep.

During one of these sleepless nights, I found myself on YouTube watching solo campers camping in the rain.  It was so very peaceful to hear the pitter-patter of the rain on the tent and a guy relaxing inside talking into the camera and eating beef jerky or cooking his soup on his little oven.

One guy cooked up some lamb chops in the rain and savagely ate them as he chatted into his camera.  Talking about not much of anything.  And I loved seeing him cook his meal and listening to his idle chatter.

I bought myself an ultralight camp stove and frying pan.  So I can cook meat and savagely eat it in the outdoors too.

I also bought an ultralight tent.  It’s an MSR Hubba NX.  And I bought a Big Agnes ultralight air mattress.

Walking across Spain, twice now, can’t compare to anything like true camping.  The first time I went to Spain, I did it to be alone and to rough it, to toughen myself up.  The second time I went was to lose weight because I knew the “roughing it” and being alone part wasn’t going to happen.

But riding a bike to Maine will provide me with sufficient alone time plus the added bonus of being able to camp out.  It’s a trip that I truly want to take and I’ll get to do it in my own country!  Not that it’s any safer.  It’s less safe actually.  But there’s no airfare, jet lag, foreign languages…etc.

I just need to hop on over to that website and buy my bike.  I should do it right now.  But then the fear will set in.  The fear of not having enough.  I hate that fear more than anything.

Ugh, I can’t win.  I really can’t.  I just want some peace and quiet.

But if I get this bike, I can also ride it to work.  I’ll get to exercise a bit and god knows I need exercise.

I don’t know what to do.

Okay, I figured out what to do.  I’ll sell my old scooter first.  That’ll free up space in the shed and give me an extra $300.  Then I’ll start depositing the cash my business makes into my personal account.  Once I have $3000 in my personal account, I’ll buy the bike.  Right now I only have $150 in that account.  I rarely deposit cash.  People pay mostly with credit cards. It’ll take a while, but I have time and by doing it this way, I’ll not have to deal with that crazy-ass fear.  I hate the fear.

My trip will have to wait but at least now I have a solid plan that doesn’t involve me entering the fear.  It’s probably one of the top five fears to face in life, it’s my personal number one fear but I’m sure others experienced worse.

It’s odd that so much can happen in the span of one week and yet, nothing changes at the same time.  It’s like, all this is happening inside my head, you know?  It’s all mental.  And even with all these changes that happen mentally each week, I’m still the same person.  I’m still me but only with a different focal point.

It’s sad that I lost focus on my blog over the years.  I used to obsess over it.  It was Christmas everyday because of my blog.  But back then I didn’t have the fear like I do now.  It’s crippling.  It’s there looming in my peripherals.

I just want to get back to my old self.  I think that’s why I want to go on this trip.  To be away from everything that effects me negatively.  But to go on this trip would mean to feel the fear again – because of spending $2500 on an ebike.  I’m just going to have to suck it up and wait a bit.

Honestly, if I stop spending so much freaking money, I’ll have my ebike this time next month.

I normally would sell a few signature couples on Groupon for a LOT of expendable cash and put myself on the schedule to massage them but I can’t do that with the business in Bozrah.  It’s still not busy enough for Breanna to quit Massage Envy, so I’m needed there to take clients.

As of now we have 24 unredeemed vouchers and 18 redeemed vouchers.  We’re still in pre-launch.  Groupon has seriously effed up my plans.  I can’t leave for Bar Harbor now anyway, not with Groupon not selling our deals properly.

I’ll check in with you next week.  I’m curious to see what changes happen in the coming week.  It all comes down to the business in Bozrah.  That’s all I’m waiting on now.  It’s really all I’ve been waiting on since we opened.

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Like Night and Day

I experienced a profound amount of stress that I hadn’t felt in years last week.  And now?  A week later?  It’s the complete opposite.

I sent out a Mother’s day email last Tuesday, on the 7th, and today, the 11th, my bank account is back to where it needs to be.  I became so over-joyed by this that I finally bought a pair of Birkenstock sandals that I’ve wanted for the last decade.  And a new pair of pants and a new top from Nordstrom’s.  I love my new pants so much that I can wear them rollerblading, hiking, I can wear them to work and lounging around.  I love my new pants.  They are my summer 2018 everyday pants.

They come with a belt so when I start losing my baby fat again, I can cinch them up.  They’re so loose that they work for fat or skinny.

And my Rollerblades are ready.  After months of waiting, months of hassle, my rollerblades are finally ready.  You want to hear my Rollerblade story?  It’s pretty boring, but if you insist…

K2’s are my definitive choice in Rollerblades.  I ordered the best of the best K2 skate back in February where they got hung up on back-order.  To bide my time since the weather was starting to clear, I bought a pair of Rollerblade brand skates until the skates I actually wanted came in.  I did not like the Rollerblade brand skate.  I thought maybe if I switch out the wheels for something smaller, they would be okay but I looked on Amazon for the best wheels and saw that a $100 pair of K2 rollerblades were only $40 more than if I purchased only the wheels.  So I bought the $100 pair of K2 skates.  They suck by the way.

Then my ultimate skates arrived.  The ones I’ve been waiting all this time for.  They are wonderful, amazing, perfect.  Even with the large 90mm wheels, I feel confident and safe rolling around in them.  But they are fast.  I don’t need to go fast, I need resistance to lose weight, so I switched the 90mm wheels with the 80mm that came with the $100 pair of skates and now they are ready for action.

I haven’t tried them yet with the 80mm wheels.  I was going to ride them today before work but I had trouble falling to sleep last night so I’m pretty shot today.

Rollerblading has always been a joy for me.  It is my ticket to health, so I can’t fuck around with it.  I grew out of my last pair of K2’s, my left big toe started to push against the hard material as I glided.

Anyway, I have my new favorite pair of pants, sandals that will literally last me a decade, a magic pair of rollerblades, money in the bank, my new business on the brink of completion – just waiting for the onslaught of Groupon clients……as for my pool league, get this – Last week we all played so shitty.  It really affected me emotionally to lose like that.  But last Tuesday?  Something amazing happened.  All of us won!

Even after our hard loss last week, we are now only one point shy of first place.  This Tuesday coming up is play-off’s.  We’re pumped for it.  It’s actually pretty rare for teams to end up in Vegas.  They have to jump through a lot of hoops to get there.  But for us, it’s not only possible, but probable.

I was at the end of my audiobook last night.  That’s why I couldn’t sleep.  The book started getting good at the end and I couldn’t stop listening to it.  I need to stop listening to books like that before bed and stick with meditation or Eckhart Tolle, something along those lines.  Maybe listening to the bible would be next to impossible to stay awake.

I need to get up and get dressed.

I just can’t get over the contrast between last week and this week.  Last week I was stuck wearing my boots with the heel falling off because I didn’t own a pair of sandals and hated putting on my one pair of jeans that still fit because the hole in the knee became so large that I needed to pin it closed with a safety pin.  Last Tuesday playing pool, I had to play barefoot in my hobo jeans as I slugged down beer after beer.  But I still won – we still won.

Little changes make for the biggest impact.  What a difference a new pair of pants and a decent pair of sandals make.

My next mission will be to clean my room.  The problem with that is, I have nowhere to put anything.  My Dad taught me how to throw shit away, I have no qualms about that, but I don’t throw things away if I love or need them.  A lot of it is paperwork for the businesses, borrowed books I never read, facial supplies when we offered facials at work, it’s tough being constricted to only one room with having 38 years of stuff.  I should actually have more stuff.  Where the hell does all my money go anyway?

 

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I want to fast forward 6 months

Instead of writing a post last Monday, I went to see The Avengers Infinity Wars movie and then I played free pool at the closest dive bar near my new business in Bozrah.

I had about 5 hours to kill.

I interviewed Breanna, a young cute blonde girl, who I decided right away that no, I’ll hire the older, more experienced woman instead.

By the time I texted the other woman, she already found another job.

Damn.

So now I’m stuck with this young dumb blonde.  She sounded dumb, the way she talks, like a high school kid, but she was on point with her questions.  She worked at a few shitty places before finding me, so she knew what to ask.

I’m too broke to keep my Indeed ad running.  I already spent $171 dollars on it.

So, Breanna it is.

I haven’t experienced this amount of stress in about two years.  I’ve spent so much money these past few months that my bank account is in the red zone and not only that, but my new business has got my guts all twisted up.

My new business is so new, that we have no reviews yet.  The first review is paramount.  And Dawn, my new therapist yesterday, accidentally charged a client $181 when it was supposed to be $18.

Fuck.

I have my entire life riding on this new business and the first review is critical.  So critical that it can either make or break me.

I had my pool league yesterday.  It was the first time I felt the weight of stress and had it effect my pool game.  But I at least scored a point.  It was actually a good thing that I didn’t win since I’m trying to stay a 2.

But then my buddy Chris wanted to play me and so I left the area where my team was playing to go play Chris.

I swear to god, I know this sounds ridiculous, but the moment I said Yes, I’ll play you, I had a sinking feeling that my team would tank without me there cheering them on.  I just knew it.  And sure enough, they tanked.

We were one point away from first place and now….now….I want to cry.  I think it’s all my fault.

But I couldn’t turn down Chris.  His mother is home dying of cancer, recently diagnosed.  His heart is broken.

I drank so much last night.  I drank a lot and woke up at 6AM today for some god-awful reason.

I’m going to eat some eggs and go back to sleep.  I told Mo I’d meet her out at 3:45 today for some $2 miller lights.

Here’s a break-down of my finances….

I have $1783 in my main bank account right now.  Yesterday I had $7000 – you see how it jumps?  You see why I freak out like I do?

Okay, so $1783 (which is the lowest it’s been in a VERY long time), and then I’ll get $4710 from my member clients which brings me back up to $6493 and I should be getting a groupon check on the fifth for at least $2000, which will take me up to $8493 ($14,000 is my uber happy zone).  And then I wait and pray we have a few strong weeks ahead of us.  My independent contractors still need to cash their checks which will take me down to $7493, and rent for the new place will leave me with $7000.  If I can make $2000 in the next two weeks, I’ll get by.  Albeit, just barely.

I’d be getting by just fine if I didn’t spend a shit-ton of $$ these past few months.  I have to remember that this is temporary.  I sold a bunch of groupons to help make up for it, and I’m glad for that check coming on the fifth or I’d be seriously fucked.

It’s just that I wouldn’t be so worried if I didn’t have to pay my lawyer another $5,000 soon.  I’m freaking out about it because it couldn’t have happened at a worse time than now.

Plus Dawn’s mistake with charging that guy so much money by accident…..It’s a lot for me to handle right now.  It’s the first real stress I felt since moving my business to its new location 2 years ago.

Anyway, I feel a lot better now after writing about it.  It’s good to write out all of my problems, it’s like making a To Do list.  I sweep away all the confusion and see what’s really happening.  Like pouring glitter on a sheet of paper where there are words written in glue.  Once you dump all the excess glitter off, you’re left with a clearer understanding of the situation.

That’s what my blog does for me anyway.  I wish I had no problems to write about though.

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Filed under journal, rant, work

Life is Like a Box of Chocolate Analogies

Life is like skydiving.  When you first jump out of the plane, everything is spinning and confusing but the guy strapped to your back steadies the both of you.  His life is dependent on how well he can protect your own.

After a while, everything becomes clear.  You steady yourself.  You think you have it all figured out.  Time freezes for a while and it feels like you’ll never land or grow old.  You no longer need the guy strapped to your back.  You wish you can enjoy this time independently, enjoying the full experience of this wonderful freedom.

But then the ground steadily approaches.  You are once again happy that you have a man strapped to your back.

He yanks the ripcord to open the parachute.

This latter half of the jump can be serene and pretty, there’s no more rush or worry if the chute may or may not open.  It’s opened and you can relax.  This is where you’re able to truly take it all in, to catch your breath and count your blessings.  Time is no longer frozen, you are no longer suspended in mid-air.  Time runs differently in a way only someone with appreciation can understand.

You can sip your lemonade on the dock of the bay.  Mixed with whiskey and rye.  No rush, no more worry.

It seems that the age of 40 is the appropriate time to pull the chute.  When you can literally see and feel the ground approaching more rapidly than before.  40 is the age for everyone to pull their chutes, but they either can’t or they won’t.  For some it may mean giving up on that brief glimpse of exhilarating freedom they experienced years before.  For others, it’s circumstance.  Whether it be loss of a job or loss of the man strapped to their back.

These days, mostly everybody is still in free-fall.  And the closer the ground approaches, they feel like time is running out.  This is why older people are technologically disadvantaged – they don’t have time for such “nonsense”.  There’s no time, no time for anything.  Time is only for those still frozen high up in mid-fall, and not for those who must work even harder now that they’re not young anymore.

I’ve been unknowingly searching for the ripcord to my parachute since opening up my second business.  Not to be confused with my third business, the one that I’m working on now, but my second.  Surprisingly enough, I was still in the frozen free-fall when I opened up my first business.  I was completely oblivious.

But now I see it.  I can see the necessary chapters in life that we all must write.  Steps that we must unavoidably take in order to prolong our longevity and deepen our experiences.

For me personally, freedom is by far the most precious facet of our time spent.  It’s not time itself – time can be spent in agony, suffering, isolated and alone, but freedom?  I’ll take a short life of freedom over a long life spent in torment.

And I am free.  Well, almost.  Pulling that ripcord for me personally, isn’t about finding a steady job, or settling down with a sturdy providing husband, no.  It’s about finding my financial freedom – a freedom that doesn’t exchange time for money.  A type of freedom that places me above the airplane that I unceremoniously ejected out of.  It’s like being granted a second life.  A life where I’m my own guy strapped to my back.  Not only am I my own guy, but I’m my own parachute.  I’m the ground approaching, I’m the sky and the wind in-between.  I take on all roles, embodying everything.

Because, well, why not?  Why can’t I?  Who’s to stop me or tell me no, it can’t be done?

Anyway, what the hell else am I going to do with myself?  This life is magically long enough to manually change its trajectory at any age.

To each his own, right?  And all I want is money.  That’s all I want.  Simple people like simple things.

Ayahuasca, Eckhart Tolle, pretty much ALL the guru’s that ever existed, all of them told me to let go of all desire, only then I’ll obtain everything.  But ayahuasca also  told me that we desire things because we fear our life will not be enough without them – we seek happiness to obliterate this fear, aka, void.  There is an emptiness we must fill, and that is why we desire.

Another way of looking at this catch-22, is to focus our attention on the fear itself governing the desire.  Forget about the desire for a moment, and look at the fear.  What are you most afraid of?  Never amounting to anything, not being respected, always someone’s lapdog, living in poverty…etc.  Sure, those are all well and good fears but why should you be afraid of something when you have the power to change things?

You know what I think everyone’s greatest fear is?  The fear of failure.  Plain and simple.  I’d go deeper into explaining why I think it’s the fear of failure, but that’s a bit off subject.  Maybe I’ll circle back to it.  It’s pretty important.

Weird, my right ear just started ringing.  I was listening to the background noise of my family upstairs and all of a sudden everything went quiet and there was a ringing in my right ear.  Hold on, gotta google that shit.

Okay, it stopped.  Lasted about 7 seconds.  It’s good luck that it was my right ear and not my left.

Okay, so anyway….where was I?

Oh right, the fear of failure.  To me, the fear of failure trumps all other fears because if you were truly fearful of losing your job, you’ll take appropriate action to remedy it.

Quit and find a different job.  “Screw it” is always my sloppy non-thought-out advice I offer to everyone.

But people don’t change their current situation most likely because they are pussy’s.  They’re scared of falling all the way into the void.  Not just a little bit into the void, but all the way in it.  At least this way, by not changing anything, they have some semblance of control in the matter by not taking control of the matter.

Doesn’t make sense to you?  Neither to me but this is what people do.  I don’t get it either.

But what if you set yourself up to make failure an impossibility?  Failing is IMPOSSIBLE.  Desires don’t mean fiddly-squat anymore.  You no longer “desire” anything and instead, you make choices.

Desire is like hope.  They don’t mean shit.  They are nothing and are worth nothing.  But choice?  There’s power in choice.  And once you find your choice, that’s when to pop your chute.  Hopefully in a place above the clouds.  So we can be neighbors.

To circle back to our greatest fear, the fear of failure, that pretty much encompasses ALL fears, you know?  It’s like the receptacle you dump all your other fears into.  It can hold all of them.

I’m trying to think of a way to tie claustrophobia in with the fear of failure….hold on…wait for it….wait for it……Fear of failure to being let out?  Bingo.

I learned in psych class that technically most people rank public speaking as their number 1 all-time fear.  Why?  Because the fear of PUBLIC failure.  Not just quiet unspoken failure, but a boisterous in-your-face unmistakable FAIL that’s been witnessed by many.

Suckily enough, people’s opinions effect you whether you want them to or not.  It’s harder to live down a fail the more people who coagulate towards a certain belief about you.

Anyway, I should get going to sleep.  I’m beat.  I’ll most likely write a shit-ton on Monday.  I’ll catch you up on my life on Monday.

Later nerds

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Filed under journal, philosophy, random thoughts

The Calm Before the Storm

I’m not sure where I left off in the telling of my life….my last post is too long to re-read.

Let’s pretend that I’m standing right there in front of you.  Picture me shoving both my hands in my pockets and flipping them inside-out.

I’m “no-pot-to-piss-in” kind of broke.

You know how many times I almost lost the business?  More times than I can recall. But  I always pull myself out of it somehow.

Why am I broke?  Quarterly taxes are due this month, my employee’s get paid 3 times next month, and I only have $2,500 left in my lawyers retainer.

But like always, I’ll pull through.

I decided that I will personally take clients in Bozrah until I hire my second therapist.  I hired one already, she’s a crazy work horse of a woman.  She’s been working 3rd shift in a hospital for the last 2 years and wants out.  She’s working in the morning for me, 10-2, so that means I have to get there by 2 each day.

This is a good thing.  It’s only temporary anyway, until I find a suitable replacement and at least this takes care of my money woe’s.  If I take these clients myself, paying another $5000 to my lawyer won’t be an issue.

And I think that’ll be the last $5,000 I’ll have to give him.  Or maybe the second to last.

He’s finished with the depositions, so i guess now is trial time?  I just have to wait for the trial to come?  I don’t know how all this works.

He sent me a bill the other day for $1,500 and I was like “oh hell no”, and sent him this.

Of course I was right, as I always am.

I’m trying to think of a way to stay afloat with the bankruptcy.  Switching everything over to Sound Alchemy Massage and bankrupting my other business.  Because I tell you what, I ain’t paying shit to these women I don’t care how much they ask for.

Speaking of…I need to write up emails to both of them.  Just like I did for the first lady victim.  But first I have to read their depositions to get a feel for who they are before I can write up an email tailored to their personality types.

It just takes forever, you know?  I always have shit to do.

I was insanely depressed the day my lawyer sent me that bill for $1500.  I couldn’t conceal it to anyone.  But I don’t believe what I feel is actually depression, it’s more fear than it is depression.  Depression is being sad all the time for no discernible reason, but fear is “oh shit what am I going to do now?”  It’s not a chemical imbalance that can be remedied with meds.

My so-called depression lasted 5 or 6 hours.  That’s how long it taken me to talk myself out of it.

***************************

I had a dream two days ago that somebody stole my purse.  I was in Peru, or someplace like it, and I was there with all my friends from home.  My purse was stolen and I was left with absolutely nothing.  I was so mean to everyone.  So incredibly mean to all my friends.  They acted like everything was okay, like nothing happened, and I yelled and screamed at them.

Me – “How would you like it, huh?  If this happened to you?”

Fear can turn me into a monster towards people and when I want to suppress that monster, I take on an absent catatonic stare instead.

Either way, it’s best I avoid people.

Last night I had the complete opposite dream.  I was a waitress working at a theater filled with famous people.  All my friends were yelling and screaming at me to steal merchandise.  So I stole a hat and shoes of someone famous so my friends can sell it on eBay.  Then they screamed and yelled some more telling me they needed more stuff.  I was on an active movie set with the camera’s pointed directly at me.  I was seconds away from being caught and needed to escape.

I subconsciously feel like I’m letting down everybody.  I can’t keep up with the demands of my friends.

If I tie my two dreams together, I want to avoid everyone for fear the monster will come out, and secondly, I feel like I’m letting everyone down because of it.  I completely missed my friends birthday a couple days ago.

**********************

Today is the start of my Groupon campaign to my new business.  This first day I’ll be lucky if I  sell 2 groupons.  Groupon has their own version of a “high rollers” club where they get first dibs on any new deals.  It’s sort of a pre-launch.

Tomorrow is the real thing.  I’m expecting my tracfone to be ringing off the proverbial hook.

It’s 2:21PM and I’m still laying in bed.  Don’t get me wrong, I had work to do from my laptop since waking up at 11.

This is one of my last free days I’m going to have in a while.  I guess I am a little depressed.  Yesterday I watched a Peter Pan mini-series and then I watched a Pinocchio mini-series.  I mean, who does that?  Seriously Mel? 6 hours back to back Peter Pan and Pinocchio.  Like I’m 6 years old.

The weather is finally getting beautiful.  It’s been so shitty for months.  I need to buy new sandals.

I’m refraining from buying take-out every day like usual.  I’ll save about $600 a month.

I went rollerblading yesterday with a new pair of skates I bought.  I used to skate all the time and thought I’d be ready for the 90mm wheels, but no.  I put them on and skated around with them on the first beautiful Sunday afternoon that my town has seen in a while and it was a safety hazard.

First of all, these skates are so slick that I don’t even need to move my body for them to roll automatically.  And they are FAST.  And the break doesn’t work as well as on my K2’s.  Not good while rolling down a trail packed with strollers and toddlers.  Mother’s stopping in the middle of the trail to check on their kid – WTF lady?  I can’t stop!

I’m going to switch back to my old skates for now.  Until I’m back in shape and have better coordination.  Right now my goal is to lose weight, not go fast.  My old skates have just the right amount of resistance I need to tone up my flabby muscles.  And I won’t roll over any pedestrians.

I should be skating right now.

I need to go to Hines hardware for new light bulbs for the shop.  And my new hot towel caddy came in today, my old one cracked.  I should set it up.

Ugh…always with shit to do.  And if I don’t do it right away, it adds up.  It adds up quick!  And one of my therapists doesn’t want to massage her client anymore because he got an erection last time, so I have to massage him on Wednesday to see if he’s a pervert.  It just sucks.  Everything sucks.  I just want to rollerblade, that’s all I want to do.

************************************

I’ve added black bean soup to my diet.  I’m slowly adding in new foods.  They just have to be low in calories and healthy to be added to the list.

Two days ago was my first attempt to make black bean soup and it was a huge success!  My Dad yesterday, was asking me when I’ll be making more of it.

I just need a cup of it with a side salad to make myself feel full.  It’s incredibly cheap and easy to make too.

At night for dessert, I eat cottage cheese with blueberries, raspberries, banana or whatever I have on-hand and drizzle it with honey.  And I have a nice cup of sleepy time tea to go with it.

There’s also something called a “Bright bean soup” that sounds yummy.  I can eat it for breakfast or for my nightly dessert.

*************************************

I don’t want to do anything.  I just want to lay here with my dog.  Tomorrow I’ll force myself up and go to work.  Today, I need a breather.  It’s game time and nap time and black bean soup time all day today.  A beautiful wonderful day if you ask me.

Once I hire my other therapist, then I can enjoy all the splendors of free time.  I just have to get through this one last push.  Today is the calm before the storm.  There’s no Massage Envy’s out there in Bozrah, so I expect to be slammed by these deals.

My goal is to save $5000 for my lawyer, and then once I do that, I’ll save up another $4000 to open up another Sound Alchemy Massage.  That’s how much it costs.  Around $4000, more or less for each location I open.  Plus all the hassle and time put into setting it up.  The first one was killer, but now that I know what I’m doing, the second one will be a cinch.

And I’ll do the same thing.  I’ll work it all myself until I hire people.

It’ll be like a snowball effect once I get going.  It’s always the first location that’s a struggle, but once that’s out of the way, the real fun can begin.  And then if it comes down to bankrupting my old business, I’ll seamlessly switch it out with my new business like a thief in the night.  Completely untouchable is what I am.  I have it all figured out.

But for now, I must work.  And I’ll have to hang up my rollerblades and my travel suitcase until this misery is put behind me.

*********************

And that’s it.  That’s my life right now.  It changes every week, there’s always updates to make much like annoying iPhone apps.  But right now you’re all caught up on Melanie’s life online.

Once I start taking clients over in Bozrah, I’ll be writing a hell of a lot more.  Downtime in-between clients needs to be filled.

Ugh….my merchant processor wants me to call them back.  I can’t use their Clover mini and have to use the Clover Go instead.  Stupid work shit.  Stupid stupid shit.  I hate this PCI compliance crap.

 

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Sunova

Sunova.  Bitch.

I drove all the way up to Bozrah today in the pouring rain to interview a potential therapist and the goddamn girl didn’t show up.  Mother Fucker.  DECLINED.

But I did get a lot done while I was there.  Everything in fact.  Everything is done.  I even got through my Booker onboarding meeting that they insisted I partake in.  The guy gets me on the phone, we link our computers so he can see everything happening on my screen.  It’s a big process.  Not just a phone call meeting, but it’s an elaborate training session involving sophisticated software.

Him – “This onboarding meeting is very lengthy and can take quite some time.”

Me – “Okay.”

10 minutes later…

Him – “Uh well…..it looks like you set everything up already.  Your hours, rooms, services, logo….you did it all already.”

I was probably the first non-dumbass he had to deal with all week.  He sounded relieved.

After the meeting, I uninstalled the screen sharing app.  The guy probably enjoys watching the screens of unsuspecting dumb asses who don’t realize they’re being watched.  No sir, I’m no dumbass.

I drove to the nearest Walmart in Bozrah to grab some last needed items.  An extension cord, a sharpie, hammer and nails, thumbtacks.  Little things to help me finish off the room.  Oh, and I picked up a bag of smart food popcorn, a box of 26 mini Slim Jims for 5 dollars, and a bottle of Starbucks mocha latte.  I hate you Walmart.  I hate you.  I promised myself I wouldn’t drink anymore mocha latte’s on account of the caffeine but no.  I just had to do it.  I had to drink it.

I nailed the two surround sound stereo speakers to the wall, turned up the bass on my subwoofer so I can get a heavy dose of binaural beats.  I set up my solfeggio wind chimes to have them clang ever so softly to a rotating floor fan set at low speed.  Then, once everything was done, I laid on my bio mat to soak in the rhythm.

Me thinking – “Now it’s just a matter of time.  Now I wait for the therapists to come.  If I build it, they will come.  Or wasn’t it “he” will come?  Damn it I forgot to buy a pillow.”

Yesterday I got an email notification that someone applied to my business.  I got super excited thinking that all my problems are once again solved.  But no.  The woman who applied was the same woman I fired a little over a year ago.  She drove me crazy.

I feel bad for her.  If only she knew it was my place she was applying to (again), she never would’ve done it.  I didn’t read her resume because that would only make me feel worse.

*************************

My employee’s get paid 3 times next month instead of the usual 2.  I’m going to have to sell groupons to make up for it.  Which is pretty good timing since it’s slowing down anyway and the groupons are almost gone/expiring.

But I still worry.  Every single time I worry and every single time I pull out of it and make do somehow.  I spent about $3000 so far on opening up this new place.  If I didn’t spend that money, I wouldn’t need to sell any groupons this month or next month.  Knowing that, it makes me feel better.  I didn’t just spend $3000 though.  Add another $5000 I gave to my lawyer and then another $3000 on top of that for my 2 month journey away with Hana and we’re looking at $11,000 I spent on shit I don’t normally spend money on.

Armed with this knowledge, the business is doing A-Okay.  Even while I was MIA for 2 months not making shit, still okay.  Calm Melanie.  Be calm.

But I still worry.  I’ll need to give another $5000 to my lawyer soon.  I know it.  Then the trial at the court house.  Then the verdict.  And then….jail time for Melanie.  Debtors jail.  Do they still have that?  I think in one of those Asian countries they do.  You can get locked away for owing money.  If they can’t pay up in a set amount of time, they go to jail.

My heart pounds in anticipated agony.  Or is it that Starbucks mocha latte I drank earlier?

Today at my new office, I blasted my music and danced while vacuuming.  I was the only one who came in today in the pouring rain.  I felt hopeful.  Hopeful and proud that I wasn’t sitting around with thumb up butt waiting to lose everything because of a black man who wears a reindeer sweater in August taken some low def shitty phone pictures in a dark room of a woman’s hairy ass leg.

No, I’m doing something.  I’m preparing.  But the clocks-a-tickin’ and my hope is running out.

I’m so glad I have an asshole lawyer.  So very glad.  Thank God for creating assholes!

********************

I gotta say something to you.  I’m going to be completely honest here.  You know how I said I have a new book idea?  The one where Chris Pratt starts hearing voices in his head?

Yeah, that one.

Well, it’s all I’ve been thinking about lately.  Here, let me elucidate…..On my way to Bozrah today, an hour drive, I drove with no music and no audiobook.  Why?  Because I wanted to fantasize about my story idea.

Last night I went to sleep with no audiobook because I wanted to dream up my own story.

But here’s the kicker…..Yesterday, I got home in the afternoon and laid down with my laptop to finish writing my employee handbook.  And after I was done, I started watching the new Lost in Space on Netflix (which is surprisingly good!) and I shut it off.  I turned off Lost in Space.  Why did I turn it off?  Because I wanted to think about my book!

Now, let me make sure you understand the full picture before I stop my jabbery –

I was home in the middle of the day laying in bed staring up at the ceiling for hours.  Just freaking laying there!  Looking at nothing, doing nothing!  And I really really wanted to finish watching the Lost in Space episode because it’s actually really good but no.  I freaking laid there doing absolutely nothing!

The last time this happened to me?  Um…never.  I can honestly say it never happened to me.  The closest I can think of is when I was a kid playing with my Barbies and GI Joe’s.  I didn’t want to do anything else.  I was immersed in my own story land.  I can still remember the stories I made up – I had my GI Joe’s battle each other for the “King of the Mountain” title.  Those who won fights would get a special band looped around their ankle – a colorful rubber band that the orthodontist gave me for my braces.  .

I had so much fun.  I like to call it “autistic fun” or “aspergers paradise.”  Weirdo little kid fun.  I was devastated when I lost interest in action figures.  It left a void.

But there I was yesterday laying in bed doing what I did when I was a child.  I didn’t want to do anything else.  I was completely immersed.

I changed up the story a bit since I last told you about it.

Here is the very brick and mortar bones of my idea:

Chris Pratt is 14 when he starts hearing voices.  He’s a very dumb, but very cute, 14 year old boy.  He freaks out and tells his parents about his voices.  His parents are best friends with a couple who has a 21 year old daughter (Jennifer Lawrence) interning to become a child psychologist.  They make little Chris Pratt see the family shrink.

Yadda yadda yadda, Jennifer Lawrence realizes that Chris Pratt isn’t crazy and that his future self is in fact talking to him.  But the future self doesn’t just talk to Chris through a voice in his head, he can swap bodies with young Chris whenever he pleases and young Chris gets sent to the future to be a bed-ridden 80 year old who’s unable to speak or move his body.  But time moves slower in the past, so young Chris only has to endure old Chris’s body for a few seconds at a time.

When old Chris Pratt travels back to his boyhood, he can spend a whole week there while only a day passes in his present, ergo, postponing his inevitable death a few weeks away.

Old Chris had a stroke which allows him access to travel into his past.  But since he is traveling into his own memories, using his own brain and synopses, he starts to feel like the whole universe is a mere illusion in his mind.  None of it’s real, just his own made-up concoction.  This is one of the demons he must battle.

Also, the future Chris comes from is torn apart from war.  Acid rain pours down everyday, killing all crops and wildlife.  Radiation levels rise to the point where people can no longer go outside without wearing a hazmat suit. Chemical warfare poisoned the water…etc.

He feels as if he’s in hell and the only way to escape it is to fix the world, ergo, fixing himself, before death takes him and all is lost.

And another thing…..Chris falls in love with Jennifer Lawrence.  Obviously.  And Jennifer falls for him, but only his older self and not his kid self.  The kid self is getting tired of swapping bodies with his old, sick self, which limits the time Jennifer and Chris can spend together.

One last major plot twist is…..old Chris is dying.  His then wife, Jennifer Lawrence, has died already, years ago during the first chemical weapon strike from ChinoSyria.  He know’s the exact date when he dies.  He misses his wife.  He can’t bring himself to let go of her, or his goal of saving the world.  And since he can’t let go, at the end of his life, he swaps young Chris into his old man body a moment before he passes away.

This means that old Chris has made himself eternal and has already lived through 78 lifetimes by the time I start telling the tale.  Each time, swapping his younger self into his old self, moments before death.  He can live on forever.  As long as it takes to save everyone.

That’s pretty much the gist of it.  I don’t know why the hell I’m so obsessed with it.  I didn’t even watch the new episode of WestWorld last night.

But I like the idea of it.  To save the world, save his girl, and save his sanity from megalomaniac madness.  It’s perfect!  It has philosophy, politics, time travel, love, madness, hell and heaven on earth.  And stupid 14-year old Chris Pratt is an LOL riot, he’s so stupid.  It’s a true masterpiece.

My other book idea is also very good.  It’s a spin off of Dante’s Inferno, or the Devine Comedy.  It’s about a futuristic prison that uses time compressed virtual reality to take the convict through his 9 layers of consciousness with the intention of finding truth and logic to his evil deeds.  Each layer is more hellish than the last.  A man can spend eternity down there, hundreds of thousands of years while his incarcerated body in the real world only ages a few minutes.  If the convict doesn’t awake within 5 minutes of his incarceration, there is no hope for him.  No one awakes after 5 minutes and they usually die of heart failure shortly after.

The judicial system all agree that if a convict doesn’t rouse after 5 minutes, he is guilty beyond repair and must be put to death anyway.  The point of the prison is to find the truth, to find guilt, and find redemption.  If it can’t be found in the first few layers of consciousness, you’re pretty much screwed.

Leonardo Dicaprio was to play this part.  He ends up down in the 9th circle of hell and meets himself, but himself turns out to be God.  And God goes on to tell him that Leo is in fact the one and only God.  And that every person alive or dead that ever existed in the universe is in fact, him.  Everybody is him and he is everybody.

This story idea also involves NPC’s – virtual reality people, or robots rather.  And they become sentient and find a way to enter into a persons consciousness and control their every move while the unsuspecting victim is off playing in VR.

It’s a story about good and evil, light versus dark.  God versus the devil.  But at the same time, it’s all relative and all necessary.

I like the idea of the story.  It goes really deep.  But it doesn’t keep me hooked as much as my other idea.  My new story idea plays out like silk in my head.  It’s like liquid heroin between my ears.

Shit, it’s almost midnight and I’m still typing away.  I hate this.  Stupid mother fucking Starbucks mocha latte.  Do you understand me now how it effects me?  I ain’t joking.  Shit is real.

But when I’m ready to write my book, at least I won’t need any Adderall.  Adderall is amazing, it truly is.  But all’s I need is some coffee.  Not even coffee, a latte.

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