There’s Something to Behold in Silence

That sounds like a hackneyed line, but I Googled it and I assure you, it came straight from my own horse mouth.

All it takes is the first few lines of a book, a movie, a play.  The first few seconds before your brain forms a pattern/opinion of what you’re viewing.

There’s a glimmer of something that you lost, something that a good book can bring back to you.  It has everything to do with having a mind quiet enough to listen.

Something touched you and with that touch, you remember who you are.  Everything seems clear.

Without art, we lose ourselves.  We forget everything.  And with art, we lose ourselves, we forget everything – but in a good way.  A progressive way.

The only way to view art is through silence.  A cold wintery silence, breathing in arctic air that freezes your lungs until you cough up all your accumulated filth.

I lost something over the years.  It snowballed as time went by.  Constant work, incessant worry, doing a job I hate over and over and over again.  I was consumed by it.  It taken up every inch of me.

*******************************

Being an employee, working for someone else, is a different kind of stress.  Having set hours and going home, enjoying time off is all you need to sustain that “you” feeling.  But when you’re consumed, nothing of you is left.

When was the last time you felt truly free?

I thought about this and it had to be before I went into kindergarten, before having to do something mandatory.  I was 3 years old when I last tasted freedom.  But at 3 years old, you have to obey your parents, you can’t eat whatever you want, you don’t have a car or any money so you’re really not free at all.   But on the other hand, you don’t know what you’re missing so in a way, you are free.  Naivety brings you false freedom.

I feel like all of us have this naive false freedom because we never experienced the real thing.  We’re all 3-year-olds working to acquire new toys, building our ego’s with legos and our legacy’s with poopy diapers in a landfill.  Shit that doesn’t go away.

When you’re broke, in-between jobs, consumed by stress – You’re not free.  Your worry owns you, debt owns you, your future owns you.  You smoke pot to mellow out so people think you’re a chill enlightened hippie who doesn’t care about money or status.  But you do care, everyone cares.  Unless addiction is the crutch that consumes you.  And false freedom is the torch that guides you.

Addiction and false freedom is like getting buried in dirt.  Having it shoveled on you.

When you land your dream job, marry the love of your life, have all the money you’ll ever need, are you free then?

No.  People are never satisfied.  Never.  People live a really long time now and things have the tendency of falling apart in the span of a really long time.

I’m working on my goal of absolute freedom – as close as I can get to it anyway.  I’m only months away from it now.  Four months to be precise, but it’s more like 2.

What kind of person will I unearth?

Having no responsibility, what will shape me?  What will direct my next move when I already have everything?

That glimmer of silence found in those first few lines of narrative, before your brain scuffs it up with patterns and opinions.  Before we can build it up or break it down,  I want to live in that silence.  While the world is a whirlwind before my eyes.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, Writing

Self-diagnosed hypoglycemic

My brain doesn’t want to function today.  I’m clumsy, having trouble remembering things, trying hard not to slur my words – it’s bad.

I’m sure a lot of tired, over-worked people say that their brains don’t want to function, but when I say it, it’s quite literal.

Today marks the second time in my life where I felt like I might die from alcohol poisoning.  The first time I encountered this, I’m pretty sure I wrote a post about it entitled “Melanie gets alcohol poisoning” and I written it at least 2 years ago.

This second time around (not as bad as that first time), I decided to do some research and found out that that my glucose levels were dangerously low.  Our brains don’t function without glucose.  Every single symptom I had matched up with hypoglycemia and even the cause of the attack matched.

The worst of these symptoms involves a sheer unadulterated terror of dying.  You think water boarding is torture?  Try low glucose.

I hope I don’t get permanent brain damage from a glucose shortage.

The cure to this?  I have to eat a lot of carbs and drink sugary beverages – basically enlarging my ever widening ass.

Exercise causes low blood sugar, alcohol, caffeine, carb-free diet fads, any diet in general really.

I’m never drinking again.  I really mean it this time.  I drank 12 beers last night and I felt wonderful.  My friend tested my blood sugar by the end of the night and it was at 98 (after drinking 12 beers), but the thing with that is, it doesn’t start dropping until hours later while I’m sleeping and I wake up with a scary histamine headache and an inability to comprehend human speech.  I can telepathically communicate with dogs though.

It takes 16 hours for the liver to fully process all the alcohol out of my system and after that 16 hour period, my liver can start making glucose again (or whatever it does, I forgot already).  I went 16 hours without the ability to produce glucose.

It’s 11:13 PM and I’m feeling better, but there’s still a lingering panic.  Not like the death panic I had earlier, but about my business.

I hired so many people and I used the groupon money to pay off $21,000 of debt, where now I’m left in that horrible gray area of not knowing if the business can survive these rash decisions.

If the business can survive these next 4 months (the groupons expire in 4 months), it’ll be a success.  I can permanently end all worry pertaining to my business.  I’ll still worry but it’ll be about my parents getting old, where my life is headed, if I got residual brain damage from this last hypoglycemic attack…etc, etc.

Drinking 12 beers and almost killing myself was not the worst thing I did last night.  You want to hear the worst thing?  I’ll tell you anyway.

My dear friend whom I was visiting yesterday asked me (when I was over-the-wall inebriated) if she can work for me and I gave her my stupid toothy grin and said “sure!”.

My brain, although half-way dead and poisoned at the time, still managed to preform its stunning micro-minute “think before you speak” response (my sugar was still normal at the time) and it reasoned “I trust this girl.  If I don’t hire her now, she might find a different job and I’ll regret it later.  I can’t leave my business unattended or it’ll burn and fizzle into a fiery hell pit of regret where I’ll live in squalor and die penniless and alone with a weighted cement-filled chest cavity replete with a side salad of suicidal slaw.

After I responded with “Sure!” and having my micro-minute think session, I told her “The job is $12.50 an hour 10-2 Monday through Friday.”

She fired back:  “That’s perfect.”

We agreed right then and there that we shall go to work the very next day (today) and train.  I trained her during my glucose shortage attack.  Without eating, and after drinking coffee which only acerbated the problem not to mention I slept for a total of 10 minutes because I couldn’t stop picking at my damn cuticles.

It taken me two and a half hours going over everything with her, at least, that’s what I said once the clock chimed 12:30.  Then I remembered more stuff to tell her and another hour went by.  I’ve never taken the time to train anybody so thoroughly.  My reasoning behind that being; if I make it simple, they’ll think it simple.

But anyway, then how you ask, is this decision the worst thing that happened to me last night other than almost killing myself?  Because now, no matter how much sense it made at the time and even now it makes sense still, It was a bad decision because it’s causing me panic.

The saying “slippery slope” is playing on a loop in my head like listening to the worlds worst iPod Shuffle.

“Slippery slope Mel, you’re on a slippery slope.  Don’t forget the slope is slick.  Slick and down you go.”

“Evil august 2015, you remember that?  This feels similar, yes?  Making the same mistakes?  Biting off too much to chew?  Are we ready to see your money all gone this time next month?”  (Each question getting higher and higher in pitch).

I annoy myself better than anyone else can.  Man, what a douche I can be.

I’ve been through this shit before so I know how to handle it this second time around.  It’s always about making a choice.  I’m choosing that my business will succeed – I choose that.  At all costs, it will prevail these trying times.  I’m giving myself no other option.

This kind of mentality stops my panic dead in its tracks.  There’s so much power behind it.  I know how I sound right now, I know I sound nuts again…..

Maybe if I put it a different way;  Like for instance, when I say “at all costs”, to me those words mean an infinite array of chances.  An infinite throng of opportunities, making it quite literally, impossible to fail.  There exists too many ideas and variables that are fully in my control, making the fate of my business entirely my doing (or undoing).

It’s like this;  Sometimes you can’t predict the situations being thrust upon you – it’s as the great saying goes, Shit Happens.  But it’s solely your responsibility on how to handle said shit.  Even if it doesn’t belong to you, it’s literally impossible for you not to react to it.  If you choose not to react, guess what?  No reaction is still a reaction and it’s nobody else’s but your own, hence the responsibility.  And with great responsibility comes great power.

You’re only a victim if you choose not to fight.

Did someone leave a baby on your doorstep?  Well, that baby might not be yours but you’re definitely responsible for him now (at least by bringing him inside and calling the authorities).

I got that last little bit from a book.  I think it’s called “How to not give a fuck.”

Shit, I need to go to sleep god damn it.

But what I’m trying to say is that we are responsible for the choices we make.  And by knowing you’re responsible, creates your personal power juice bank.  Why is this?  Awareness of responsibility, breeds choice.  The more you hold yourself accountable for your actions, can breed a litter of choice puppies – ways out, puzzles solved, stresses put to their final resting place.

Oh shit I really have to sleep now.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work

Business Update

I went to work at 10:00 today to see there were 16 missed calls.  16 unheard voicemails blinking on display.

“Mother fucking shit.”

I’m still having trouble going to work while I have no clients as I stated in my last post.  I rationalized that my employee’s will never learn how to do anything on their own if I’m there spoon-feeding them.

I hired yet another therapist, Lara, bringing the total count to 13 massage therapists that work for me.  I felt I had no choice.  I was entering panic with the amount of clients we have.  We’ve been so busy that I’m massaging again, only couple’s massages though.  We sold 600 couples massages last month so I’ve got no choice but to help out.

I love this new therapist though.  I want to be her best friend kind of love.  She’s a 41 year old hippy chic with dreads, one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.

Tomorrow is Payday for all my new employee’s.  It’s the moment of truth day.  My employee’s made $2,136 and my independent contractors made $2,060 bringing the total to $4,196.

It’s January 11th and I have $18,600 in the bank.  If I want to pay my debt off by April, I’ll need to pay $4,600 of it this month, but I’m too scared to do it.

I’d be in good shape if I didn’t pay off $21,000 of debt these past few months, I’d have $40,000 in the bank right now.

Anyway, I have to go back to work.  Lara is coming in to learn how to do the signature couple’s massages at 2:00 and I need to be there anyway to answer phones, and I have a couples massage at 6:00.

Things are scary for me right now, I ain’t gonna lie.  It’s unnerving not having to massage as much as before, it’s discombobulating.  I feel uncalibrated.  I’m not sure if I screwed myself or what.  I need a few months to normalize, to get these signature couples redeemed and balance my books – to stop massaging for good and see what I’m left with at the end of each month.  Too much is questionable right now.

According to my current fear level, I doubt I’ll make my cross-country trip this year.

Leave a comment

Filed under work

I slept for 15 hours today

It might be more, who’s counting?  I went to bed at around 12 midnight last night, woke up at 11 than took a long nap after lunch – a seriously long nap until 5:30 in the evening.

I could NOT wake up.

December has been the longest month of my life.  I put in 70 hour work-weeks, decorated a new massage room, massaged about a hundred people, trained new employee’s etc etc…

And the money I spent…..oh god the money I spent……If you knew how much money I spent, you would push me down a flight of stairs and stomp on my head while yelling “what’s wrong with you?  What’s wrong with you?” Until I resembled Glenn from the Walking Dead.

I felt like Glenn last month.  I welcomed in the New Year while looking like Glenn.

Thus, why I’ve slept 15 hours today.  I’m surprised I haven’t gotten myself sick.  In fact, I haven’t gotten sick since I switched the type of e-cig I use.

As for my debt, I’m now roughly $14,000 in the hole.  A little less than $14,000 actually.  I just have two bills left to pay, my car loan and my credit card.

I think the last time I wrote (December 3rd, seems like forever ago), I was $27,000 in debt.  I spent $13,000 on my debt alone last month and while I was at it, bought myself a moped for my cross-country adventure this summer.

$13,000 towards my debt, $1,700 on a moped, paying my employee’s 3 times instead of two, christmas presents, christmas bonuses for my employee’s, I bought my business insurance and workman’s comp insurance for next year (about $1,000).

This was all made possible by selling 600 signature couples massages on Groupon in the span of one month.  We are SLAMMED at work.  We’re at full capacity.  And these 600 signature couple’s massages expire in April, only 4 months away and the damage is gone.  I can lob off the rest of my debt before then.  At least, I think I can.

And the glory of it all, Groupon still owes me $15,000.  They pay it off in little chunks until April and with that money, I can pay my employee’s with.

Basically, my plan worked.  It worked better than expected.  I didn’t expect I’d be able to take myself off the schedule entirely and enter into Phase III so soon.

Anyway, I feel like I can sleep for a week….

That leaves me with two very important things I must do in order for my moped journey to happen.  ONE:  Pay off the rest of my debt and TWO:  hire a receptionist/manager.

When I left the business for a month two years ago, we had less than half the clients we do now.  I had less than half the staff.  Everything was simple, easy.  Things aren’t like that anymore.  The business will crash and burn without someone there holding it together.

I’m really good at visualizing and getting a feel for things, how everything looks on paper is not how it is in real life and I can see the real life side, not the paper side.  That’s partly why I was a shitty student.  In real life, without someone there, it’ll be complete chaos.  Long time employee’s will quit and clients will lose faith.  Having an online scheduling system only takes us so far.

But that’s not my main problem right now.  I have one very BIG pressing problem at the moment and once you hear it, you’ll hate me.

Having to go to work even when I have no clients.

I don’t want to bore you too much with explaining this, but yes, this is actually a problem for me.  It is just as it sounds.

I need to be there or else the business will crash and burn – especially now.  Now that we have 600 signature massages out there that need to get redeemed.

It’s not funny, it’s critical.  Quite critical.

My new employee’s don’t know how to do anything.  They don’t know the computer, don’t know how to answer the phone, answer questions….cash people out….They are still too new and some only work one or two days a week making it very difficult to even learn anything.

I wanted to go to work today.  I set my alarm for 9:00AM and slept right through it.  When I finally woke up, I couldn’t move.  This was day one of not having to massage anymore.  If this behavior keeps up, I lose everything I worked for.

It comes down to discipline.  I’m not disciplined.  I hated homework.  Going to work when I have no clients, is like having to do homework.  That’s the best way I can explain it.  And it’s not actually homework since I can’t stay home to do it, it’s more like workwork, which is worse than homework.

I gotta do workwork….

It might sound like a trivial problem, but it’s so much deeper.  It’s like going to the gym.  Most people don’t like going to the gym and they get stuck with a year-round membership they wish they can take back.

It’s like that.  It’s like going to the gym during winter when it’s freezing out and instead of working out, you go there to do workwork.

You know what will fix it?  A receptionist.  But I can’t hire one until my debt is paid and even then, I don’t know if I can afford one.

I keep learning and evolving, that’s what owning a business has done for me and I’m entering into the hardest evolutionary process of them all:  Discipline.  As much as I hated massage, I did it because I had no choice hence requiring little discipline.  But now….the fate of my business hinges on me finding some.  It’s harder than massaging people, harder than anything I’ve done so far.

I can’t explain it any better, but I’m rambling so I gotta end this post.  Tomorrow I must work.

Leave a comment

Filed under work

Phase III Initiated

I might be dumb, I might be a lot of things.  But there comes a time in everyone’s life when they have to make a choice.

**********************

I just hired my last and final therapist.  Someone who can rip the nails out from my coffin, bringing me to life again.

With her here, she is the missing piece.  The last to my jigsaw.  I no longer have to massage anybody for the rest of my life.  My prayers have been answered.

While I was massaging today I kept thinking to myself, – “Thank you Jesus,  Oh thank you Jesus.”

I know what’s happening here.  I think it’s a form of transference.  When you project your hopes onto a false reality.  It’s why so many people blindly believe in organized religion (I still love Hinduism and Judaism, don’t get me wrong).  It’s a hope that you want to believe in so badly, that you end up donating your entire life savings to.

I’m about to donate my entire life savings on such a hope.  The hope of entering into Phase III.

What’s Phase III?

Phase I was hiring employee’s to work for me.

Phase II was taking myself off the online scheduler.

Phase III is taking myself entirely off the schedule.  Including clients who request me.

Phase III is freedom, that’s what Phase III is.  And according to my limited scope of reality, it’s here.

I’m laying in bed.  Inconsolably tired and aching at 10:30pm after working from 9:30am until 8 o’clock at night.  I work these hours just about every single day.

I decided today that I’ve paid my due’s.  Whatever bad karma I did in my past life that caused me having to massage thousands of people in this life, well, I’ve met my quota dear friend.  I wash my hands of it.  My soul is so fucking clean you can eat off it like it’s goddamn kitchen floor tile.

I’m sorry, my brain is liquified.

I picked a day that I will cross-over into Phase III and that day is January 1, 2017.  Next month.  Which means that all the clients who request me this month, can’t rebook with me next month.  It’ll be like breaking up with 32 people.

A few weeks ago, I decided to prep a little for my cross-country trip by counting all the clients who request me.  I wanted to have a list of them ready so that way, when it came time to notify them that I’ll no longer be massaging, I’ll be prepared.

I have approximately 32 clients who absolutely love me and refuse to see anyone else.

Think about it.  Just think that these poor people who pay me, who only take an hour out of my life a month will now be denied access simply because I don’t want to do it anymore.

Client – “But Mel, it’s only for an hour, I’ll work around your schedule!  I’ll pay you extra!”

Me – “No no no, I don’t want to.”

I mean, what kind of monster am I?

I have 3 of these people that I have to face tomorrow.  All of them will be hard to handle.  It’s like it’s my last test of strength – the hardest test of all.  I completely buckle, I’m a wet noodle when it comes to saying no.

I don’t deserve them anyway.  It they read my blog, they wouldn’t want me.

But the thing is, everything has to come to an end at some point.  People move away, get laid off, don’t have the time – whatever the reason may be, they’ll eventually stop seeing me.  It doesn’t matter what the reason is, they will all eventually stop.  And then new ones crop up.  A continuous cycle.

It ultimately DOES NOT MATTER how it ends, how ANYTHING ends.  We all have a single destination and that place is called change.

I have to send them all a group email so that way no one feels like they’re being singled out.  So they don’t take it personally, like they’re the only one’s being rejected.  There’s safety in numbers.

I hope I have my brain back by the time I write the letter.  It’s awfully soggy as of late.  Damn 60 hour work weeks….

But yes, January 1st, 2017 is quite literally a fresh new start to bigger and brighter adventures.  Having it land on New Years Day couldn’t be anymore perfect.

But what was I saying in the beginning?  I may be dumb?  Well, what I’m about to do might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.  All based on one girl who told me (yesterday) that she wants to work 12-5 Wednesday thru Saturday.  A girl who is young, smart, and experienced – my perfect replacement.  She has yet to tell me when she can start work.

Yes, I’m majorly stupid, majorly projecting my hopes.  But this nonsense has got to stop.

Oh shit now I’m worrying myself that she’s not going to call back.    >.<

Another stupid thing I did was pay off my Amazon credit card bill which brings my total debt down to $27,300.  It’s stupid because, what if I still need that money?  It’s gone now.

I have to sleep.  Tomorrow is a big day, a long day.  But my fantasies and daydreams never felt more brilliant and real.  Thank you delusion!

2 Comments

Filed under journal, work

I’ve been wearing the same shirt everyday for the last two weeks!

Without washing it!  Without washing it!!

I’ve been  enthusiastically telling everyone about this shirt and instead of them being impressed or amazed, they laugh and look at me like I’m crazy.  And then I look at them like they’re crazy.  How can they not be amazed?  My shirt is a call for celebration!  It’s a goddamned tribute to human accomplishment!

Mom – “It’s going to walk off without you in it.”

Me – “But it’s amazing!”

It’s not just a regular shirt.  It’s a state of the art, technologically advanced, secret organic fillion-made super shirt and I’m apparently the only person in the word in awe of it.

Me and Mollie were giving a four-handed massage to one of our old faithful member clients.

Me – “You want to hear something cool?”

Client – “What?”

Me – “I’ve been wearing this shirt everyday for the last two weeks!”

They both crack up in hysterics.

Mollie – “Why would you bring that up now?”  She said in-between gasps of laughter.  “Oh my god Melanie.”  It looked like she was crossing her legs trying not to pee.

***************************

It’s now November 26th.  A week or two after starting this post.  I’ve been wearing this t-shirt for at least 21 days now.  I ordered another just like it and a long-sleeve shirt too.  Knowing me, I’d make these shirts my official wardrobe.  Three lonely shirts hanging in my closet next to an array of hoodies that amazingly enough, also never get dirty.

Okay, enough about my shirts.  Let’s focus on me for a change.  The girl inside the shirt.

I’m exhausted and cranky (what else is new?).  I fired one of my new hires because she was beginning to piss me off.  It’s not worth the effort writing about it, I’m just glad she’s gone.  She was a flippin’ loony toon.

My new male therapist is great, clients love him, my co-workers love him, but he’s a close talker.  Whenever I ask him a simple question, he mounts his face right up to my own and proceeds to answer my question with his awful breath.  I swear I’m not embellishing any of this – it’s so absurd that it’s comical, but not comical while it’s happening.  Just the way he walks over to me, to get so close to me – shoulder to shoulder.  It’s like his breath is his way of saying “fuck you” to me.

He was talking to me one day while I was busy and/or just wanted quiet thinking time and I got up and hid in a massage room where I carried out playing on my iPhone.  I felt guilty as fuck, but I’m at my wit’s end.  The more therapists I have, the more I have to over-see, and I’m still massaging a great deal of people.  If I stop to talk to someone, I forget what I was doing or what I have to do.  There’s always something I forgot to do.  So I get short with my therapists and even with my clients sometime.

( I just remembered I have to email a client!)

I’m so tired and it’s only 5:30 at night.  My co-workers client didn’t show up today so I passed my client on to her.  This is my first night of relaxation in a long time.  Thanksgiving wasn’t relaxing so that doesn’t count.  I was supposed to go over to my friends house after dinner but that didn’t happen, I’m supposed to go to a friends house tonight but that’s not happening either.  I’m too miserable.  Too bitchy.  Nobody should ever see me like this.  I can’t move anyway.

This is why I can’t massage anymore – I’m incapable of fake smiling, always have been.  I’m incapable of anything fake.  That’s why I come off as a cranky bitch.  Either I’m a cranzy (accidentally mixed crazy with cranky) bitch or a non-personality, blank empty eyed person.  Completely hollow.  Wilted and beaten.  It’s literally bad for my business to continue like this.  It’s bad for life.

I miss myself.

My bank account on the 19th of this month was around $9,921 if my memory serves correctly, but it doesn’t matter what it was.  This month I spent a gargantuan amount of money on furnishing the new massage room.  $600 alone just on the carpet, $300 at home depot, $150 at Pier One, $300 at Ikea, $175 for the security deposit.  Then I bought the Playstation VR for $530, renewed my massage insurance for $250, paid $700 in quarterly taxes, $800 on a marketing stunt (which I’ll make back), several more hundred on random Amazon buys.  And I’m finishing the month with paying off my Sears bill of $1600.

But here’s the thing….the new massage room is completed.  I have therapists on the schedule, ready to take clients.  These two things mean that I can really let loose with selling those Signature couple’s massages on Groupon.  We’ll be able to keep up even with a massive flood of them.  My debt is seeing it’s last and final days.  I’m roughly $31,000 in the hole.

This is it.  The only thing I have to be careful of is that my therapists get paid 3 times instead of 2 next month.  Normally I’d be shitting bricks due to this fact, but since those couple’s massages are selling like hot cakes, and it being December (the most lucrative time of year), I can actually get away with paying my therapists 3 times and paying a little extra towards my debt.

If I can pay it all off by April 1st, good, that’s great.  That would make it exactly one year of my life I spent paying off $50,000 of debt.  But it’s more likely to happen in June.  If I pay it all off by June, that makes my cross-country trip difficult and highly improbable.  I’d be cutting my trip really close to fall.  And I’ll be traveling on a mo-ped, carrying the least amount of warm clothing as possible.

But I have to do this.  I HAVE to take this stupid trip.  I can’t wait for another year to revolve.

If my debt is paid off by June, I quit massaging and hire a receptionist.  This might be an impecunious, tumultuous time if I don’t play my cards right.  To leave the business for nearly a month after such an abrupt change in finances to literally go “joy riding” might be a bad idea.

But knowing me, I’d take that risk.  I’d live on spam and sleep outside on park benches.  Anything to make it happen.  It’s really, the only thing I have to look forward to.  It’s either eat spam and sleep on a park bench, or give up and just die already.

That’s a glimpse of just how sick and tired I am.  Eating spam on a park bench sounds amazing.

I can’t write anymore.  Writing, I think, is still the only thing I really strive for.

If only you were in my shoe’s, you’d know I don’t have the capacity for anything right now.

I sincerely hate massaging people, hate waking up early to have to massage a string of people.  Keeping up with phones, laundry, emails, messes, schedules, annoying therapists, paperwork, payroll, angrily hanging up on telemarketers.  Then having the general malaise of worry.  Thinking that I forgot to do something.  Take out the trash, clean the bathrooms….

Annoying therapists who invade my personal space to ask me how my thanksgiving was while I can vividly smell his dinner from last night being broken down by stomach acids.

My other therapist telling me her son is sick and she doesn’t know if she can work tomorrow.

I forgot to do something….what was it?

I have to email a client.

I can’t do this anymore.  I really can’t do this anymore.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, rant, Travel, work

I wanted to write about something else entirely but wrote this instead

I sold my soul these past few months (or years, who’s keeping track?) to accomplish something in order to accomplish something completely unrelated.  Goals that have nothing to do with massaging anybody.

You know what I hate the most?  Patience and conformity.  And that’s exactly what I’m doing each time I have to give a massage.  It’s like each massage is a therapy session in anger management and eating my humble pie.

I just started reading a book, it’s called “Presence” by Amy Cuddy and I HIGHLY recommend it.  It’s not one of those wishy washy metaphysical books about the law of attraction or creative visualization, this book talks more about the science behind what makes us tick.

There’s so many awesome things in this book, all of them tried and tested on actual human volunteers to back up these theories.

One of them for instance, is why do we have expressions?  But digging deeper than that, the stuff that expert lie detectors look for, are minute nano-expressions that give away a persons true intentions and feelings.  Our subconscious mind picks up on these escaped “nano” expressions and when we witness them, although we witness them subconsciously, we intuitively feel that person’s emotion due to our mirror neurons mimicking that same expression on our own face (even without our knowledge).  We wouldn’t feel their true intention if we didn’t also share that same expression the same moment the offender leaked it.

They tested this with people who just had botox injections.  Their faces were paralyzed and thus didn’t allow for these inconceivable micro expressions to be mimicked and because they couldn’t mimic, they were unable to pick up the true feelings and intent of the person in question.  Their intuition escaped them.  But it’s not intuition at all, it’s the fact that we can subliminally mimic other people’s expressions.  It’s not about trusting our “gut”, although it may feel that way, but it’s actual science at play behind the curtain.

I’m some-what manipulative at times, but I use this harmless evil for good.  When clients balk about this past election, no matter who they voted for, I mimicked their expression, understood exactly where they were coming from and agreed with them.  I did this for both Hilary and Trump fans.  No hair was raised on the back of anyones neck and fangs didn’t show, I taken the slick way out.

“There’s no way he’ll win, what kind of America will allow that?”  Or, “Trump at least tells it like it is, that’s for sure.  He wants to give America back to the people.”

It’s all BS, Hillary was better suited for the job, anyone could see that just by watching the debates.  But she was lacking likability and trustworthiness which was another awesome thing Amy talked about it her book, Presence.

As it turns out, according to numerous studies, there are two types of people in the world.  There are trustworthy people and then there are competent people.  We are unable to process a person in existence being both trustworthy and competent.  They contradict each other.

(This fits so well into the election this year).

The thing is, a competent person is less liked by the majority due to their ability to manipulate.  They might be trustworthy, but we don’t know for sure due to their high intelligence and manipulation skills.

For instance, it’s like saying, “How can you be so sure of that? How can you pull that off?  What if you’re just manipulating us?”

Whereas, a more likable person, a more trustworthy person, one who doesn’t hide nano-expressions, doesn’t hide anything, will spout his hopes, dreams and dislikes – at times, incoherently, but we trust him because of his fallibility.  His lack of intelligence to manipulate and schmooze.  Even if it means being an ignorant asshole.

The book explains it a hell lot better that I can.

And given a choice on whether to be competent or trustworthy, mostly everybody picks competence.  But even the highest achievers at MIT end up in menial positions due to their lack of social skills.  Competence equals untrustworthiness.  It equals lack of control to the little guys.  How can we control anything if we don’t know what’s really going on?

The fear of looking foolish kills personality and humility, trust is the only thing that matters.

But here is my TRUE reaction when watching the debate last Tuesday:  The setting?  At my friend Jill’s house with her Mother and her boyfriend all chain smoking, biting their nails freaking out that Hillary might lose.  Me?  I was secretly excited for one reason and one reason only; this is going to be a damn entertaining 4 years ahead of us.

Me thinking:  If this guy wins, ANYTHING can happen.  It’s a Simpsons episode, it’s not real.  Life is truly a dream of comical insane circumstances where all and anything you dream up is possible.

Hillary would’ve been just another boring president, making nice and calling the safest rational shots – the most coherent shots relevant to our current political views, but with Trump, he’s a loose cannon and knows shit about diplomacy.

Oh god there’s so much I want to write about but my brother gave me a Xanax and damn, my whole body is asleep except for my fingertips typing.

I hired a bunch of new therapists and my sick therapist is back taking clients, so my schedule has freed up a great deal.  I wish I can write about that.  I want to write about how awesome my day was today.

But I’m physically incapable.

Let me just write real quick about what else this books says; being present, being calm and level-headed, has to do with being an observer of the world.  The calmest, most clear thinkers  view others and not themselves when conversing.  They rarely say “I” or “me”, it’s always about the person they are interacting with.  It’s the anxious, depressed people who transfix and focus on themselves, giving little room for anything else.  Basically the selfish and fearful.

In my opinion, it’s the people who don’t know how to love.  (I’ll possibly write a post about that).

I already knew this!  I learned this trick way back and yes, I learned it because I broke down my own anxiety and self-conscious foibles into understanding that it’s a selfish derivative.  Only made real in my own mind.  The answer is out, not in.

She also stated that trauma is caused by a lost battle.  I recently learned this one, but I learned it before reading her take on it.  Of course she can back up her words with fancy studies, interviewing and testing volunteers and the like, whereas I just philosophized.  Poorly at that, but still….

I love reading books like this.  Books that I’m like, “yes exactly!”  It makes me feel less alone out there.  That others spend just as much time, if not more, on delving into the science behind the mind.  Stuff that’s not found in books yet.

Oh god I have to sleep….

I wanted to write about the Banach-Terski paradox amongst other things, it’ll have to wait.  Oh how I miss writing….

Leave a comment

Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics

Fuck the election

I just taken an oxycodone.  I know nothing about narcotics, only that this one is pretty popular.  My friend gave it to me a while back and I tucked it away for a rainy day.

I wanted to do some research before gulping it down and I found out that if I crush this little bugger instead of swallowing it, I can die.  My friend forgot to mention that little nugget of trivia.  If I chew and swallow, I might never wake up.

It’s 8:33 PM.  Well, actually it’s really 9:33 because of daylight savings.  We just fell behind today.

This pill is time-released.  That’s why you can’t chew it.  You shouldn’t even cut it in half.

I’m starting to get very sleepy.

That post I wrote, the one with the $$$ as its title, I just want to clarify that it’s still too early to know for certain if I’m actually netting $100 a day.  It’s too soon to tell.  It’s on par with someone announcing on Facebook that they’re one week pregnant.  Or that their boyfriend had just inserted his penis and taken it back out and now there might be babies (smiling and celebratory emoji’s).

Most pregnancy’s don’t even make it to full term, so this new found success of mine is like a week old fetus, not even that.  It’s the sperm still in the sack.  And not even a healthy sack.  It’s a 300 pound 40 year old virgins sack is where my success is.  Basically non-existant.

I’ve been working a lot.  An insane amount.  The president of the United States works less than I do and thus, the oxycodone that now resides in my gut.  Gently eking out blissful lullaby’s.

I need MORE therapists.  Here’s who I hired so far:  Karyl, Patricia, Igor, Debora, Austin and Lori.  All within the last 30 days.

And it’s still not enough.

I finally felt it today, the anger welling up inside.  It was unbearable and I hate myself for it.  How can I be angry that my business is busy?  How can I be angry that clients like us and that I finally have some extra dough?

Because I hate giving massage.  I hate it, detest it, I loathe it, abhor it.  And while I’m massaging, the phone goes unanswered, the emails, unchecked.  My new employee’s are clueless as to what to do (I haven’t had time to train them).

With each client I massage, I sink further and further into a wretched venomous anger.  I feel my horns, the scales on the back of my throat, an acidic burn.  I become the embodiment of evil.  Miserable.  The most miserable wretched person.  The most ungrateful, naive, spoilt bratty prat.

I don’t often feel anger and it’s amazing that I feel it under these circumstances – having to give copious amounts of massage.  I mean, who gets angry over that?  I mean really angry?  As much as I do?

One of my new therapists got booked last minute for a half-hour massage today and she asked if someone else can take it (aka me).  I wanted to punch her.

That’s what sparked my anger, my outrage, by her asking that.  Of course I said no.  What I really wanted to say was, “are you fucking kidding me?”

I was angry for the rest of the day, until I finished with my last client.  All because she asked that.

I added another massage room to the lease.  It’s a real shit-hole.  The amount of work that needs to be done is seismic.  And we need that room set up as soon as humanly possible so every time I have to massage someone, I get angry.  I get angry because I have NO TIME for anything.

Two of my co-workers asked if I was Okay – I had no idea, literally no clue, my aggravation was showing on the outside.

People are so caught up in the election.  Fuck the election.  I don’t give a shit about the election.  Literally, this year feels like a civil war between Trump and Hillary fans.  If you’re a Trump fan, Hillary fans will smite you, belittle you, call you names and same goes for Trump fans.  And it’s such a close race that the entire election is based off of smear campaigns.  Whoever has the biggest most recent scandal on Tuesday will be the loser.  Last week, Trump had the biggest scandal but this week, Hillary’s is bigger (maybe not bigger, but more recent).  It doesn’t matter how big the scandal is, as long as it’s not in todays paper, you’re safe.  Your policies don’t matter, only your character.  Only trust matters.  And only if you can be trusted TODAY.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.

I think all Trump and Hillary supporters are idiots (sorry 85% of my Facebook friends).

Holy shit I’m tired.

I’m just tired, period.  Even without the oxycodone, I’m sick and tired.  Sick and tired thinking my reprieve is right over this last and final hill I have to climb.  It’s never the last and final hill, there’s always another.  And that’s where my anger comes from.

This little pill is acting like a sleeping pill, not much else is happening.  No euphoria or anything like that.  It’s BS.  At least my back’s no longer hurting.

I was cruising Facebook earlier and found out that China has a tradition of eating dogs for one week a year.  The facebook post was a petition to get it stopped.  The dog eating begins in 7 days.  There were pictures of dogs getting boiled alive and set on fire alive, I can NOT read stuff like that.  Each year, less and less Chinese are attending the event.  Most of them find it sickening.  There are protesters everywhere, it’s not a safe celebration anymore with so many activists these days and knowing that, makes me feel better.

But I can’t stop hugging and kissing my dog now.  I feel like by me loving him so much and taking care of him, I’m somehow helping the poor dogs in China, and the poor starving strays worldwide actually.  Like I’m giving them a big hug too.

If only I can see people the way I see dogs, you know what I mean?  People suffer too, they’ve been burned, molested, tortured….people suffer every day.  But you don’t see me hugging and kissing people like I’m hugging and kissing my dog (and all the dogs of the world).

I don’t get it.  Maybe people cancel each other out.  People make other people suffer, so by me loving people, that means I’m also loving the abusers, the molesters, the narcissists.  Yes, people definitely cancel each other out.  When I hug one person, it’s not like I’m hugging all the people in all the world.  Not like when I hug my dog.

 

2 Comments

Filed under journal, philosophy, Politics, random thoughts, rant, Self help, work

Random Memes 

Leave a comment

Filed under humor

$$$

$8,826.  That’s how much money I had in the bank October 18th (yesterday).  Last month I had $5,793, a difference of $3,033.

Why so much?  Honestly, I couldn’t tell you.  I did sell a few signature couple’s massages by sending out a mass email to 3,000 subscribers, but that still doesn’t account for such a large hike.  I haven’t made any big purchases this month and one of my employee’s left us for a retail position, so I’ve been massaging a lot more.

Was my ex-employee stealing from me?  Is that it?  In combination with her leaving and with me taking her clients instead, explain why I have so much more money this month?

And I have even more than $8,826!  I have a little over $500 in cash stashed away from this past week that I have yet to deposit.

I sold a few signature couple’s massages on Groupon and so I’m expecting a check of $3,300 to be deposited in my account tomorrow.

But I don’t get it….how did I make so much?

I’m saving around $1000 by massaging Amaris’s clients (my therapist who left), I made at least $1000 from those couples massages I sold with the email burst, so that’s $2000 and well, no, I guess that’s right.  Yeah, I legitimately made an extra $2000 this month.  I just figured it out.

But I’m not ruling out that my employee stole from me.  She could have set up her own square account and ran credit cards through it without me knowing, having the money go directly into her account and pass the client off as having a groupon or GC.

I’m setting up a new system that would make doing this IMPOSSIBLE.  I caught her in a few questionable acts before, that’s what’s causing my suspicion and plus I find it hard to believe that the excess of money is all from me working more.

Since I hired 3 new therapists, it won’t be hard to implement my new protocol on how to handle GC’s and Groupons – “It’s a way for me to easily keep track now that so many people work here, I needed a better system.”

I should have around $9,000 in the bank next month once my rent check is cashed.  $9000 at the beginning of the month.

Why $9,000?  I have $7,600 now, plus $3300 from groupon would make it $10,900.  Minus next months rent brings it down to $9,025.  I have a couple more bills to pay this month and I plan on making at least $700 – $1000 now until the 31st which will pay for these bills.  So yeah, $9,000 sounds about right.

July 18th when I wrote “Day Off Ramble”, I had zero dollars in the bank planned for August 1st.  And now I have $9,000?  If I break that down day by day, that’s a span of 90 days, $9,000 divided by 90 is $100.  So I make a net income of $100 a day.  This is net income after spending money.  Once every bill is paid, supplies restocked, beer bought, fun nights out deducted, I still have a net worth of $100 a day.  It’s more like a net NET worth.

This, to me, sounds like very good news.  And that’s not even the start of the good news!

I sold signature couples massages for about a week on Groupon along with a regular massage for a single person, and in that one week alone I made the business over $5,000 (groupon holds a portion of the money, that’s why I’m only getting $3000).  And the business isn’t phased with an on-slaught of clients.  I didn’t sell enough of them to cause an onslaught.

Which means I made the business $5000 without going into Groupon debt.

Things are going good.  Really good.  And when things go good, my trust plummets.  I don’t trust it.  And my most pressing trust issues are with not having enough therapists on the schedule.  I want clients to be able to book!

My most requested therapist is in the hospital, another employee is dropping two of her days (hopefully temporarily), last month that other employee left, all of this happened suddenly without warning.  I went into freak-out mode.  This afternoon while driving to work, I was near terrified.

It felt on-par with evil August of last year, the terror I felt.

“I need therapists but what can I do?  I put an ad on Indeed, the newspaper, Craigslist, SEG career services, and the 4-day free trial of Ziprecruiter.  All I can do now is wait.”

When something is out of my hands, I become the Imp in impatience.  Banging fists, muttering to myself.  What’s an imp anyway?  A mischievous child, a devil, a sprite.

I’m an imp trying to conjure up plans and scheming.  Doing EVERYTHING in my power to fix things.  It has been 6 days since my therapist went to hospital but it feels like weeks.

One of my new hires sent me an email this afternoon of all the days she can work in November and another therapist is working on cutting back hours at her other job so she can work here.

I sent an email to all our member clients explaining the situation I’m in with my sick therapist whom most of them love.

Honestly, I did everything I can think of.  And when my new therapist sent me her availability earlier today, I was beyond thankful.

My emotions are strong when it comes to feeling anything at all, I feel everything so strongly, so sharply.  They’re never muddled or unclear.  My thoughts on most topics aren’t muddled or unclear, so why should my emotions be?

They’re like daggers.

And now what am I feeling?  Thankful and hopeful now that my new therapist is on the schedule more often.

I’ve made the decision to go out on a limb and have more therapists working here, placed on the schedule, than needed.  This shortage will never happen again.

Once my sick therapist is back on the schedule, I’m quitting massage for good.

My landlord is working hard to clear out the extra massage room that I’ve added to my lease.  I can start decorating it as soon as it’s been cleared.  It needs a carpet and to be painted and both of these can be purchased through the Barter Network, costing me little money (and little work).

I’m beyond excited about decorating this new room.  It’s large enough for two massage tables and a 2-person sauna!

I consulted the I-Ching on October 11, two days before my sick therapist went to the hospital and it said that I’ll have “great relief once the ordeal is over”.  In the second hexagram, the one about the future, it says I’ll “install helpers and set armies marching.”  But the 6th being in first place tells me whatever happens, I can NOT brag.  It says that I’m really enthusiastic right now, but my enthusiasm will turn into egotistic emotions.

I-Ching – “Enthusiasm is only justified when it is a general feeling that unites one with others.”

I don’t have enthusiasm to be united with anyone, I have it for quitting massage, paying my debt, and taking my grand cross-country adventure next year.  It has nothing to do with uniting with others.  Although, it would be a nice bonus once my plans are complete.

I don’t feel like I ever brag, but I do take pride in my business.  But once my plan takes effect, once I’m retired from massage, and I’m taking my long journeys, I might start bragging.  I’ll only do it if my head isn’t clear and I feel inferior for some reason.  Like, even though I’ve succeeded, I’m still miserable.  I still fall short of happy even after all I’ve done.

Then I guess I’d start bragging.  I mean, could you blame me?  You seen these last 6 years on my blog.  If my dreams really do come true, and I’m still unhappy after all these years of trying……

No, I just can’t see it happening.  I’m happy right now!  Mainly because my new therapist is on the schedule.  With dagger-like emotions such as these, I always get these shards and splinters of sunshine.  They break off and lodge in me.

I’m miserable but it’s situational misery, based on having to do something I’d rather not do.  As soon as the job is done or problem resolved, I’m shot up with a gatling gun of sun rays.  But the gatling gun makes holes in me, disrupting my natural structure, I stop trusting myself or what lies ahead.  Damn sunshine.

I always had to do things I didn’t want to do as far back as I can remember.  This misery really IS who I am.  And to just be able to sit back and be free from it all, there’s no structure or sense to it, you know?  Freedom from work means freedom from myself.  So I have to keep grasping and holding onto struggle, creating problems that aren’t there. Because my ego is afraid to die, my old self is afraid to die.

Rational Brain – “Everything sounded good until you started transfixing.”

I’m making analogy’s, okay?  I can’t explain it any other way.

But I am feeling hopeful.  Extremely hopeful that I can go on my adventure next year.

******************

It’s unseasonably warm out lately.  I wore sandals and a short-sleeve shirt today, I’d say it was somewhere in the 80’s.  Absolutely beautiful perfect day even though no autumn was in the air.

I got out of work early, thought I’d go hiking but decided against it.

I don’t like to do anything that I can’t commit to and devoting myself to exercise is one of them.  Why bother with doing it for one day only?  My time would be better spent by blogging and relaxing.

I need to eat dinner, my mom’s getting upset.

Leave a comment

Filed under journal