I went to New Hampshire over the weekend with my friends family. I drove up there with two of my close friends who started talking about what it will be like when GF and I have sex for the first time.
GF, when I’m not with her, she loses her bewitching hold over me. I’m no longer under her spell. And the old Melanie starts coming back in waves. It’s just like waves of nausea actually. One minute I’m fine, and the next, I want to play video games, hide, and throw up because Melanie, WTF are you doing? You’re so fucked.
The car ride up there, I was getting hit hard with waves of nausea that was triggered by the sex talk. All I wanted to do was break up with GF and be back to my regular self again. That would be the easiest thing to do.
There’s something girls do – all girls do this actually – that I didn’t know about. I had no clue. They stick their fingers in their own vagina.
I first heard about this from GF while she was having one of her sex talks with me and I blew it off thinking that, “she’s a lesbian, that’s just what lesbians do.”
Her – “Lesbians can stick their whole hand up there.”
Me – “No way, I can’t do that. That’s crazy.”
One thing I always say when I’m nervous about something is, “that’s crazy”. And I say it a lot. That’s crazy.
Me – “We can start with one finger.”
Her – “Haven’t you ever stuck your own finger up there?”
Me – “I have a few times when inserting tampons without the applicator and then I washed my finger off real quick.”
This made her look at me like I was crazy. She stared at me in shock. But again, like I said, I didn’t think anything of it. I’ve never been into vagina, not my own or anyone else’s. So for me not to stick a finger up there, for me personally, is normal.
But it’s not normal.
On the car ride up to New Hampshire, hearing it from my friends first hand made me realize just how not normal it is.
Everybody does it. Why not me? Why haven’t I even thought of doing it? Just once?
I’m laying in bed at noon on a Tuesday and I still have no desire to stick my finger up there. The desire just ain’t there.
I might be in big trouble, I don’t know. I don’t know what this means for my lesbianism. I mean, just how straight am I? Am I so straight that I don’t even finger myself? Is that it? No, I don’t think that’s it. It can’t be it. It’s more likely from me being a germaphobe. Risk verses reward sort of thing. Fingering myself isn’t worth the risk of infection.
I went to the OBGYN for the first time in my life the other day. The main reason for going was to get tested for STD’s. I haven’t had sex in 4 years and been symptom free, but I don’t know how STD’s work. I’m a C student. I also don’t know how the vagina works apparently.
They had a poster of a vagina and all it’s working parts hanging on the wall in the exam room. I studied it – like, really studied it for the first time since high school when I had to memorize all it’s parts.
Me – “Oh god….it’s like a gaping mouth of mysteries…so that’s the pee hole….and that’s…wait, what is that?”
I saw the word liquor on the diagram and stayed puzzled for the remainder of my stay in that little exam room until my doctor shows up.
Before my visit to the gynecologist, I went on my health insurance website to look for doctors who accept my insurance and felt I’d be the most comfortable with an asian woman doctor. So I picked someone with the last name Chong.
But when the doctor finally entered, she was no Chong. She was a frizzy blonde haired woman, and a little strange. She was smart, but a little strange indeed.
She put a regular sized speculum inside of me and I squirmed in pain gasping, “I don’t usually stick stuff up there….”
Her – “Relax, stop clenching.”
But even after I stopped clenching, it still wasn’t happening. She had to use the small speculum, most likely the smallest they had. Baby-sized speculum for my ridiculously small vagina.
Anyway, I guess I should get up and start my day. I’m taking GF out to dinner and then to a play at the Long Wharf theater tonight. I gotta say, if I want to be honest, I make a really good girlfriend. I treat this girl so good! But it’s impossible not to treat somebody good if you care about them. You can’t care about someone and treat them like shit at the same time, it’s impossible. And it’s not even about doing nice things just to get laid, as you know, I don’t have an appetite for the sex stuff. I’m just genuinely nice and caring. I mean, I’m getting tested for STD’s just for her! And I picked a date for when we will have sex. It’s months from now but I’ll no doubt be ready by then. I had to pick a date just to put GF’s mind at ease, so she has something solid to hold onto.