Happy St Patty’s Day?

Whenever I’m stressed and worried, I can’t do much else.  I hunker down and do nothing but wait.  I count the days until my next reprieve and this time around, it happens in May.

I have two stresses at the moment and the most protrusive is my looming lawsuit, for obvious reasons.  I’d rather undergo a root canal than get sued.  I’d rather break an arm, or have a large portion of my intestines removed.

My second stress is the onslaught of clients my little business is enduring.  We have approximately 180 signature couples massages left to be redeemed.  180 that are not yet expired (we have 90 that are already expired).  And we have around 300 single person massages left which I’m not the least bit concerned about.

All of them expire by the end of next month which leaves me with glorious May to look forward to.

My calculations were correct and the business can survive monetarily until the end of April, just barely, but it’ll survive.  Then there will be room for regular priced clients.

Truth be told, this lawsuit couldn’t have happened at a better time.  Hold on now, let me tell you why.  I’m not being sarcastic.

First of all, if they sued me while I was in all that debt, I wouldn’t have been able to hire a lawyer.  Not only that, but when it came time to go bankrupt, I not only would have to bankrupt my business, but suffer personal bankruptcy as well – I’d have no reserves to pull from to start over again especially if I was still stuck at my shitty old location.

If they sued me a year from now, when I have a decent pile of money saved towards a house – that money would be wiped away.

However, if they sue me now, while I still have debt to pay, any excess money in my business account will be transferred over to my personal line of credit, where it’s safe.  I can pay off my last remaining credit card.  I’ll lose nothing.  And the groupons are almost all redeemed, soon we’ll have nothing but regular priced clients which means the business can pick up and start paying for itself even without any reserve money in the bank.  I’ve done it before just last year in August 2016.  I had zero money in the bank on August 1st and I wasn’t the slightest bit worried.

Okay, maybe a little worried, but nothing major.

So this is a great time to be sued!

One of my insurance agencies called the business today asking for me but my lawyer handles all that stuff.  I figure if they got me on the phone they’ll find out how stupid and naive I really am.  I’d admit to something or agree to something I shouldn’t which would get them off the hook.

Anyway, when I hunker down like this and count the days, time goes by both fast and slow.  Each day is excruciatingly slow.  May can’t come soon enough.  But at the same time, I can’t believe it’s Friday again.  Last Friday feels like yesterday.

I really hope my insurance companies agree to represent me.  That’ll be one slight relief at least.  And I think State Farm handles bankruptcies which will most definitely happen.

My receptionist/friend wants me to go to Italy so badly that she offered to buy my plane ticket after I told her that I can’t go.  She called me and talked for a good half hour nonstop about how important it is to her that I go.

At first I refused flat out saying no way, then I said “I’ll pay you back”, then I accepted defeat and said “sure, I’ll go.”

If you heard her on the phone, you’d understand.  Saying No would’ve been a massive slap in the face.

Once everything is done with, I’ll make it up to her.  I’ll buy us a Groupon vacation or something.  They are wicked cheap!  Me and her together for a Groupon vacation once this is all behind us, will be an astounding victory.  One for the books.  Can you imagine?  It’s like, too good to be true.  Too damn good.  It’ll be reminiscent of when I stood on the roof of that really expensive hotel in Bangkok – I felt limitless and I haven’t even begun my success yet.

My therapist with the skin disorder is still out sick.  One week turned into the rest of the month and all of next month is blocked off as well.  I’ve been massaging more lately but I think it’s good for me.  I’m saving a ton of money by taking her clients and I need that right now so I’m okay with it.  It does make it harder for people to book though.

I beat my game already, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I didn’t want it to end.  But it’s a good thing since it was keeping me up until 3am each night.  It’s good that it’s over.

My new addiction is listening to “The Girl with all the Gifts”.  I want to read the book before I watch the movie which looks pretty badass.  I’m already on chapter 34.

But with all this stress and worry, I wish I can find a happy book to read.  Like another Harry Potter series or something.

I had two clients today then went to Cosco for work supplies, came home and finished my Dad’s taxes and laid in bed listening to my audiobook and fell asleep for 4 hours, woke up in time to eat corned beef and cabbage.  It’s St Patricks day and like always, my mom makes the quintessential Irish cuisine to perfection.  It was sooo good.

It was a relatively good day.  I’m still shackled to my bunker, hunkering down.  Not wanting to do anything aside from laying with my dog.  I feel my life slipping by, but I can’t wait for these next 6 weeks to slip by.  Like skating down the hallway in my socks, a habit I never broke free of.

I had an odd dream last night.  I usually don’t dream when I fall asleep to audiobooks, but it happened anyway in a short burst of imagery.  It was an SNL skit.  3 black men were all dressed up as fat women who had their own soap making business.  They were singing a song and polishing their soap on their aprons in unison.  I, for whatever reason, found this hilarious.  when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and looked up what laughter and soap means.  All good stuff, forgot what exactly but it was definitely good.

I love my business so damn much.  I kiss the walls and caress them before closing up shop for the day.  “I love you, don’t ever forget.  We’ll get through this!” I tell it.

Our clients love my business.  Thousands of them, no exaggeration.  Thousands of people love my business.  One client only yesterday, emailed me to tell me she loves the place and she thinks I’m awesome.  She literally said she thinks I’m awesome.

The space is perfect, everything is so damn perfect from the employee’s to the elephant lamp.

My therapists are: Lara, Leah, Megan, Erinn, Mollie, Lori, Debora, Melissa, Crista, Igor, Austin and Adonis.  And one receptionist, Jill.  And you know what?  All of them love me.  A few of the new therapists want to quit their other jobs and just work here, but I told them to hold off.  “Come May it’ll slow down.  Best wait to see what happens in May.”

You don’t understand how perfect I made everything.  Using Apple’s logic of simplicity.  And those same people who love me now, will hate me if I lose the place.  They’ll hate me for their gift certificates that will be useless.  Who know’s, I might even end up in jail.  The whole town will shun me.  It’ll be like being on top of that mountain in Nepal, shunned and rejected.

It’s kind of funny how I relate all my high moments to being on the rooftop of that hotel in Bangkok and all my low moments to being on top of the mountain in Nepal.

It’s like, even if I’m not physically undergoing a gruesome trek, I’m still emotionally making that same trek.  The higher the altitude, the harder to breathe, the harder it is just to take one step forward.

That’s how it is for me now.  If I venture outside my bunker, it’s like having to trek in high altitudes.  Each step takes all my effort.  That’s the best way to describe it.

I need to trek that mountain again once all this is behind me.  I’ll turn that low moment into another high.  Can you imagine?  I can see it in my head, a perfect life.  So unbearably close now, I’m brushing shoulders with it.  And not one person who reads my blog can say I didn’t work hard for it or don’t deserve it.

I’m not losing the business.  It’s not going to happen.

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Melanie Gets Sued!

I’ve been served.

It happened last Friday, one week ago today when I was still in Alaska.

I knew it was going to happen.  Everyone knew.

It’s because of what transpired in evil August 2015, when one of my employee’s got caught taking pictures of his clients while he was massaging them.

I went through all the stages of grief while I was in Alaska (I’m a pro at it by now).

Kenny Rodgers song kept playing in my mind….

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away And know when to run
You never count your money When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting When the dealin’s done”

And then the words of ayahuasca, “Let everything go.  You can only find courage in letting everything go.”

My little business was doing great, it really was.  After April, a mere month and a half from now, my way would’ve been paved for life.

And now this happened.

I was going to go straight to my insurance agency but decided against it.  I never had to deal with insurance agency’s before and I don’t have a head for legal matters.  All I know is that insurance company’s have a way of finagling themselves out of paying.

So instead, I went to a lawyer.  A really smart one.  I can tell he’s smart just by his presence, and he used the same phrase that’s been running through my head, “you can’t squeeze blood from a rock.”

I paid him $5,000 to deal with my insurance company’s.  I have two of them, The Hartford and State Farm.

Him – “If they don’t pay up, we can sue them.”

He was very clear spoken and laid the cards out on the table.  The worst that can happen is that I lose my business.

I’m assuming the worst is about to happen and I lose my business (file bankruptcy).  I did a little research and trade businesses are hard to fold in instances like this.  If they have no assets, no money, and are primarily a service industry, I can still file chapter 7 and keep my business as long as I have enough money to afford to keep it running once the bank account has been wiped.

It’ll be tricky and the biggest pain in the ass I have yet to face.

My question is, is it time to fold?  Is all this worth it?

I was so close….so very close.  We have thousands of clients now, literally thousands who love us.  My massage therapists are fantastic people who love working for me.  And almost all of our clients know what happened in evil August 2015, and they’re still coming to see us!

I went through hell with this business, utter hell.  But I’m so very close to it not being hell anymore – literally a month and a half away from it.

I hope my lawyer handles bankruptcy cases.

My ultimate goal is to not be held accountable for someone else’s sins.  If they find me not guilty, I’ll probably stay drunk on celebration for months that follow.

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I just saw this…

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Do you see it too?  Here’s a hint….follow his arm down.

If you follow his arm, It looks like it extends to rest in the middle of two monstrous legs.  One leg has a towel draped over it.

I’m dangerously sleep deprived.  I’m at my friends house and reading over my gibberish I wrote for the day.

Sleep will be sweet tonight.

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I’m in Seattle Washington!

The last flight was hell!  HELL!  I had a baby in one ear screaming and this other guy behind me trying to pick up the chick sitting next to him.  I wanted to turn into a velociraptor and bite into his thick juicy skull.  And eventually remove his head entirely.

He was dropping celebrity names, saying he goes to all the Hollywood parties and can take her next time she visits.  I swear to god, I’m not an evil person.  I’m not, I’m almost sure of it.  But I want to see this mans spleen.  Why his spleen?  I don’t know, I’m a dinosaur.

I’m sitting at the N gates in SEA.  Unlike LAX, this place is cake to navigate.  There’s signage everywhere, maps and even real-life people to direct you (even though you don’t need them because it’s a well laid out airport).  I actually needed direction since I forgot to print out my last and final boarding pass.

I want a coffee so bad.  There’s a fancy coffee shop straight ahead from where I’m siting and the dude working the register looks exactly like Josh from My Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

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I chose to plop my fat ass at this location specifically because it was out of everyone’s way (I’m sitting on the floor again), and there was an outlet!  An outlet!  But the god damned thing doesn’t work!  I’m on 45%, I need a fuel up.  My flight doesn’t board until 8:05 and it’s only 6:34.  I’m hungry again but I already spent $17 on a bottle of water, a bottle of vitamin H2O, and a roast beef wrap. No, no, I spent $18 dollars!

Have I mentioned that I’m broke?  I pee dust.  I poop dust bunnies.

Speaking of pee, I wasn’t moist this time around.  A two hour flight doesn’t have the same magic as a 6-hour flight.  I still don’t know what happened down there.

I gained like 40 or 50 pounds over these last few years and maybe big people just sweat more down there?  But why is it so HOT?!

Some lady just tried to fuel up her cell with this jokester outlet next to me.  It’s a cruel cruel joke.

Fuck I can’t do this.  I can’t spend $6 on an iced vanilla latte, I’m broke!  Fuuuuuuck.  If I do spend money, it needs to be on food.

44% is left on my mac.

Do I have to poop?  I keep thinking like I have to go but then I don’t.  I’d like to get it over with before I’m on a plane again.  And besides, the bathroom is the only place where I can vape.

I think my blog makes me want to shit.  I know this for sure because it also happens when I think really hard, not just when I blog but when I think about stuff.  I guess that’s why I have to shut off my brain when I’m around others.

I literally have nothing to write about besides having to poop, wanting an iced latte, and my battery slowly dying on my laptop.

I hope I have fun in Alaska.  It’s just that I love my bedroom so freaking much, plus with my new video game that is waiting for me when I come back, and my dog, I never want to be anywhere else.

Problems, we all know I have problems.

It’s not that I won’t have fun in Alaska, it’s that I’d have more fun staying home playing my game.

I think I really have to go to the bathroom, not a false alarm.  I’m going to brown streak it off to the poo palace and walk around some more, maybe eat.

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You can’t tell from this pic, but I’m vaping behind that newspaper.

******************

I didn’t make it to the bathroom.  I saw a sign for a bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese and made my way over.  I swear I’m Jewish.

Anyway, it sucks.  It’s a sucky shitty bagel.  $15 for an ice tea from the tap and a shitty bagel.  I’m getting a damn refill.

This is a dead airport.  It’s dead because it has no working outlets.  LAX was loaded head to toe with free outlets.  They promoted them like penicillin.

But not here, not this place.  This place is dead.

*******************

It’s 7:20PM, my flight is soon, thank god.  8:05 I leave.

Let me just tell you that I’m miserable without my blog!  I’m freaking dull eyed, hateful, misery in a handbag without writing.

How can I keep forgetting that?

I’m down to 34%

I feel lonely without my blog, that’s what it is.  It’s like if I stop writing now, I’ll feel like I serve no purpose.  I forget who I am when I don’t write exactly what I’m experiencing at every fateful moment.  Like right now, I just got the hiccups and I finished my bagel.  I didn’t grab napkins so I probably have gobs of cream cheese around my mouth and I’m hunched over my laptop tap tap tapping away – literally not stopping.  Shoulders are starting to ache.

I gained weight, but I like the way it looks on me.  Is that weird?  I’m not saying that out of denial, or that other thing people do, you know, when they say:  “I don’t care what people think!”

People who don’t care what people think NEVER say they DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK!

I like the way my boobs look in t-shirts.  Is that weird?  Be honest.

I’m wearing my white ably t-shirt, hiking pants, and a blue hoodie.  My hair looks like a rats nest, I haven’t slept in 33 hours but I got to say damn, I still look good.  But do I look good because I don’t care what I look like?

Like when my mom makes me dinner when I’m famished and I always say that her food is delicious.  What if I’m only saying that because I don’t care if it’s delicious or not?  My mom made it and I’m hungry and that’s all that really matters.

I mean, it’s a scary thought, no?

I do care about how I look but I put it away so quick that I barely glance at myself.  I rarely take selfie’s, never go clothes shopping, I wear the same jeans and sweatshirt over and over again.

But I like how soft my boobs look in t-shirts these days.  They make me feel feminine and fragile and it’s such a contrast to my actual mannerisms and attire.  I’m both yin and yang.

I’m getting the shakes.  Is that a symptom of sleep deprivation?  I never had the coffee.

It’s 7:50.  I’m going to try my luck at the bathroom and swing by my gate to see if my flight is still there.  I got about 15 minutes.

I’m publishing this crap.

 

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I’m in Los Angeles California!

I’m writing to you from LAX.  I can’t remember if I ever been to this airport.  I’m always asleep for layovers.

My trip began at 3:30AM and now the time is 3:38PM.  At around 11AM my employee texted me telling me the power was out and she cancelled her clients for the day.

I still have two more flights ahead of me.  TWO Mother fucking flights bitches TWO!

I’m starting to doze off.  I didn’t sleep last night because, well, I can never sleep before a trip when I have to wake up early.  Today is Thursday at 3:40PM and the last time I slept was yesterday when I woke up at 11AM.

I’m so freaking tired.  I look like death.  I just reapplied my deodorant and I did it while sitting here on the floor by my gate.  LAX is one of the most confusing airports I had to navigate.  There’s no map anywhere!  You’re forced out of the plane into  unfamiliar territory and you have no idea where your next gate is.

Gate 52 for instance, isn’t just gate 52.  It’s gate 52-A!  And then there is gate 52B and then C and D and so on and so forth.  There weren’t any signs for the shuttle busses to take you to these gates.  It was just a dude standing outside next to a bus waving people in, he looked like Stevie Wonder – my first famous person I saw in LA!

I thought of so many blog idea’s today.  I kept saying to myself, “If only I can pull out my laptop right now, I’d go to town!”  But now here I am in LAX with free wifi and no excuses not to blog.

I forgot all but one blog idea and that is……Crotch moisture.

HOLE-LEE-SHIT

Crotch moisture?  Seriously?

What the hell is happening down there?

I went on a bunch of long flights before, so long that it makes this day look like patty-cake.  And I NEVER experienced this before.  I mean WTF man…

It felt like swamp thing invaded my pants and made a puddle.  But when I went to the bathroom, there was no wet spot at all, only moisture.  Like, A LOT of moisture.

Does this have anything to do with gaining 40 or 50 lbs?

Oh God I want my e-cig so bad.

After I got off the shuttle, I went back inside the airport and they wouldn’t let me back out.

Guy guarding the door – “Where you going Miss?”

Me – “Outside to vape my ecig.”

Guy – “I’m so sorry, that’s not allowed.”

I longingly look over his shoulder.  The day beautiful and bright.  So close.  Why?

Why?

My brain gets super wacky when sleep deprived.  This morning I was leering at some young guy eating a bag of chex mix.

Me thinking – “Why Chex Mix?  What can I learn about this man by knowing he likes Chex Mix?”

After a few seconds I concluded that he was a player, the opposite of a serial monogamist.  The guy likes variety and doesn’t like to be tied down to just one thing.

As for me, I’d rather go with Doritos.  I know exactly what I’m getting, there’s no favoritism at stake, each bite is as uniform as the last.

Chex Mix seems complicated.  Too much drama.

Wow, LAX is disorganized.  They changed my gate 3 times now.  It was 52G, then 52A, and now it’s 52H.  Nobody told us either, we all just meandered away from the gate like a slack-jawed grazing herd of humanoids.

My eyes are like glass orbs of swirling pink mist.

CONVERSATIONS WITH MELANIE

The following is real-life thoughts I had today while at the airport.

“Wow, that woman has a huge bag of almonds.  I sure wish I can eat almonds like her.  But they make me feel like I might shit and not shit at the same time, just hover over the toilet waiting…..waiting…..”

” Hello hottie asian man.  I bet you’re Japanese with your angular face and muscular lithe build.  Hair done up in a top-knot.  Oh yeah, gotta be Japanese.  He looks like a Samurai!  Why do I like asians so much?  ‘Because you have a thing for Bruce Lee and appreciate their culture’.  Right….right….”

I can’t think of anymore.  These conversations aren’t as entertaining as I thought.  I had a bunch of them earlier, but turns out they’re not blog worthy.

Oh God I’m tired.  Do I have to poop?  Sun of a bitch when is this plane getting here?

Anyhow, I’m definitely going to Italy in May.  I got suckered into it and I’m sorta freaking out a little.

My friend texted me – “Should I book the hotel for Italy?  It’s $390 for 5 nights.”

Me – “Yeah book it!”

Every time I booked a hotel online, I never had to pay at the time of booking.  I paid once I got at the hotel, not before.  They hold the room with a credit card and if you end up canceling, they charge you a small cancellation fee.

My friend – “Okay it’s paid for.  You can pay us after Alaska.”

Me – “You bought it now?  Usually you just hold the room with a credit card.”

My friend – “We paid in full through Orbitz.”

Me – “Oh.”

Suckered.

I am one ratty looking mother fucker.  It’s now 5PM Cheshire time.  2:00 LA time.  20 minutes late to boarding time.

What else can I tell you?

I guess I can circle back and talk about the crotch moisture again.  Where does it come from?  Yes I was holding my pee in a little, I supposed a few drops could’ve escaped me.  But what’s weird is that there were no discernible drops of dew, just an all-around feeling of dampness.  And the type of pants I’m wearing are the kind that don’t hide wetness.  I’m wearing tan hiking pants, you know the kind.  They’re really thin and breathable.  I’m going to wear my thermal long-underwear once I’m there.

I’m waiting to go to Seattle, Washington.  That’s my next stop.  Then onto Anchorage.

I bought that video game, Horizon Zero Dawn.  I stayed up all friggin night playing it.  It’s everything I expected it would be.

Yesterday my electric fireplace decided to break down at work and my therapist with the skin problem went to the hospital and won’t be back in for at least a week.

My receptionist is starting to realize what it is I go through.  Everyday is some new nightmare.

“What new hell will today bring?”

Have you ever felt clear and light?  Like, put together really well, neat, not a hot mess?

I felt it the other day.  A simplicity of thought that I haven’t experienced since I was 2.  I felt it as I was navigating the mall for my video game and two meats one side at Panda Express.

For one day, I felt intact, unencumbered, clear.  Clear and clean is the best description.  Until that is, yesterday happened.  It all fell apart a day before I leave for Alaska.

I”m horrible.  I’m looking at an obese lady and wishing in my head she’s not my seat-mate.

You don’t understand….airplanes are getting smaller and people are getting bigger.  I just had an American Airlines flight on one of their new planes and discovered it’s noticeably smaller than it’s ancestors.  They only have one woman’s room and one men’s room.  The middle isle is for mosquito-sized humanoids.  You have to leap-frog over each other in order to pass.

1243 words in this post.  It’s 2:25 LA time and I have no clue what’s going on.  Did I miss my plane?

What else can I write about?

I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I want to find a secluded corner so I can vape.  But it’s not going to happen.  Too many people and we’re finally boarding!  Thank God!

This is a quick flight, one movie kind of flight.  Small plane, filling fast.  got to go.

 

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Incredible

After watching an awesome movie or reading a captivating book, how can you not love life?

For me, it’s not about the story, it’s not about the actors or how well its written – don’t get me wrong, those are huge parts of it – but what really gets me is that feeling of shared emotion.

How creative types can hit the nail on the head, run with it, and bring everyone along for the ride.

How do they know we’re going to like it so much?  How do they do that?

It’s not magic, there’s nothing mystical about what’s happening.  It’s simply a good story told by lovable characters.  But my question is, what makes it good?  How do they know the audience will love it?

Since I’ve been massaging less, I’ve been reading more.  And since I got a jail broken firestick, I’ve been watching a lot of movies.  Going down the list of the best 250.

I’ve seen most of the movies on the top 250, watched them several times over in fact.  But how is it possible that I love the same exact movies as everyone else?  We ALL love the same stuff!

Granted, I never got into Twilight, but then again I never tried – I’m not knocking it, just hadn’t had the time.  But everything else mainstream?  Oh yeah, I love it.  From Harry Potter to Star Wars, I fall in line with the majority of people.

It’s the united feeling that gets me loving life.  The twists and turns, the villains turning hero’s and vice-versa, the moments of poetry, of glory, of defeat.

I love that we love the same stuff.  I’m in love with life because all of us love the same stuff.  The next big idea’s, the next great inventions – will be something I would want to see and be in awe of.  How do I know this?  Because we like the same stuff!

I don’t know…..I probably sound crazy.  But I can’t be the only person who wants a robot butler, right?  Or a self-driven car, a jet pack, a watch that displays holograms or better yet, a life-size hologram of myself to see how I look in certain clothes before I buy them on, or even better than that, a hologram of myself that I can talk to and learn things about myself that I never knew.

Because, well, I’m interesting.  At least to myself I am.

It’s just that I’m constantly being amazed by our creations.  We are absolutely incredible.

I told myself I’d go to sleep early tonight…..

My video game comes out tomorrow.  Horizon Zero Dawn.  It looks to be an epic masterpiece of shared emotion between its creators and its players.  I may or may not be writing again for a while.

On Thursday I go to Alaska to see the Iditarod.

I have so much love for life today.  Not just because I’m delving into books and movies, but with the hope that some day I may become a contributor and not just a member of the audience.

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If the Universe Was the Size of a Photon

Okay, so like I said in my last post, our universe is a hologram of data packets living on the surface of an event horizon.

It’s all theoretical fun and games to think about this stuff.  It’s not that I actually believe any of it, but it’s a smattering of thoughts for a book idea I’m formulating.

I also wrote about the fireworks theory in which when one black hole (big bang universe) dissipates, a new black hole (a new universe) forms in it’s place.  And thus, time never ends.

Perhaps a new universe can only form once dark energy has overtaken gravity?  Once space and time no longer exist?

That’s according to the scientists.  They say that once dark energy starts ripping particles apart, space and time will be no more.

For shits and giggles, let’s just pretend this theory is correct.  Imagine the fireworks show.

As one firework starts to fade, another blasts in its place.  So we don’t actually know how old the universe is because we can only measure it from the start of our own firework.

Now think about this…..

Time is relative.  Everybody knows that by now.  From an ants point of view, humans move in slow motion according to their perspective.  What if we are the ant?  Only smaller than an ant?

The universe seems like it’s not moving much from our perspective, but if you blew yourself up so the universe is the size of a marble resting in the palm of your hand, and then looked at that marble from under an electron microscope, you might see stars and planets zipping around so fast that they are nothing but a streak of light.

Then what if you blew yourself up even more?  So the universe is nothing more than the size of a particle?  It’ll abide by the laws of quantum mechanics and pop in and out of existence just as particles are said to do.  Meaning, the universe – the marble – will evolve so fast, it’ll be created and destroyed, in the smallest decibel of time imaginable.  While to us, it takes trillions of years.

The universe is nothing more than quantum foam, a virtual universe of superimposed fluctuations.

What is a virtual particle?

First of all, they exist in real life.  Not just in my head.  You can see virtual particles when you do the double slit experiment (which I’m not about to explain).

Virtual particles are both here and not here.  They pop into “existence”, interfere with each other, and pop back out once the measurement has been taken.  The stuff that happens in-between the measurement is unknown but can be seen via double slit.

We can only measure the source (where it begins) and it’s ending location, but nothing in-between.

During the in-between time, all possibilities exist for that little particle and they are infinite.  They interfere with each other and create waves via chaos theory’s self-organization.

If the universe was the size of a photon, which it is (depending on your perspective), all possibilities exists simultaneous.

We are a virtual black hole that’s no different from the other virtual black holes that surround us in the sea of quantum foam and fluctuations.  We basically don’t exists.  We shouldn’t be here.

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In other news, I’m becoming more and more hermit-like.  I’m starting to get concerned.  Not even the temptation of alcohol was able to lure me out tonight.

My excuse tonight for not going out was that I was busy looking at electron microscopes for sale on Amazon and watching documentaries on Netflix.  “I’m going to be a self-taught chemist!”  Is what I said.  “It’s for the greater good!” I said.

I’ll see them tomorrow, so it’s not that big of a deal.  I even saw one yesterday, so I’m not a complete recluse.

I’m nearing into crunch time with my business, that could possibly be one of the reasons why I want to hunker down.  My surplus of money is nearing its end.  Taking its final bow.

If I actually do make it to April without dipping into my personal line of credit or selling more groupons, it’ll be a close shave on an atomic scale.  Down to dollars and cents in this case.  Pocket change kinda close shave.  Reconsidering my Hulu subscription kind of shave.

The suspense is killing me.  But unlike the descent I faced in 2015, this time around it’s a controlled sinking ship.  I control the sink.  It’s a steady but controlled decline.

The phrase “embrace the suck” just came to mind.

It’s like I’m a pilot with a busted up plane and I’m doing my best to keep ‘er steady.  But the plane isn’t going to crash, it just needs to make it to the next truck stop for a fuel-up.

So there is hope unlike the hopelessness I faced in 2015, but there’s still that jolting unsure feeling.  The feeling of, “Should I touch down now?”  Or, “Can I make it to the next fuel-up station?”

I’m almost positive I won’t make it.  If I touch down now, if I dip into my line of credit, all will be unravelled and all that progress I made last year will take another year to make up for.

My friend/receptionist wants me to go to Italy with her in May.  She’s a photographer and will take loads of pictures and post them to Facebook for all the world to see that I actually made it to Italy!  That prospect alone makes me want to go.  Pictures galore.  She takes like 500 pictures in just one outing, I can’t imagine how many she’d take in Italy. Her head will blow the eff up.

But alas, I’m busy trying keep my sinking ship steady.

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I would’ve had so much fun if I went out tonight.  They’re playing my favorite board game, cards against humanity.

But it’s like I said, I have to keep ‘er steady.  I can’t lose focus.  Can’t have fun.  It’s like I literally can’t have fun even if I tried, so why bother?

Why am I always so miserable?

I must embrace the suck, control the sink.

And just think that all this is happening inside a particle that’s neither here nor there.  And at the center of this particle exists a quantum black hole that has a singularity at it’s center that is so minuscule, yet so dense, it’s perception of time is faster than the speed of light.  And we are living on a memory of our own creation.

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You want to know where the term “Room and Board” came from?  Well, way back in the day, meals were served on wooden boards.  Table’s were in fact, a wooden plank resting on trestles.  You can read the best answer I found here.

My brother just got home and came into my room.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking up the etymology of room and board.”

It’s 11:30PM.

“I was going to watch Batman verses Superman but started looking up how ice forms in space and then I couldn’t stop looking things up.”

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What is comprised of a particle?

Particles are what make up atoms.  They can neither be created or destroyed, just change form like water.

You can change the form of particles by smashing them together or heating them up.  The Iconic E=MC2 means that the amount of energy needed to create a particle must be proportional to its mass.

Photon’s are the easiest to make while the Higgs boson is the hardest (heaviest) and requires a huge collision (energy) to make them.

Everything that exists today came from a singularity.  Google defines a singularity as follows:

In the centre of a black hole is a gravitational singularity,

a one-dimensional point which contains a huge mass in an infinitely small space,

where density and gravity become infinite and space-time curves infinitely,

and where the laws of physics as we know them cease to operate.

What if within each black hole that’s created, a new universe is born on it’s opposite end?  And that explains how matter can pop into existence seemingly out of nowhere?  We are all just one big projection, a hologram, inside a hologram, inside a hologram.

 

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What If The Big Bang Never Happend?

Hear me out for a second.  I don’t have much time, but want to put this down on paper before it falls into the void.  It’s for a book idea.

I watch a lot of documentary’s about the universe, quantum mechanics and physics.  I even read a few books about it.

  • I learned that the universe is expanding faster and faster until dark energy will tip the scales and become so great that it’ll be powerful enough to rip atoms apart.

This will happen billions of years from now.

  • I also learned that multi-universes must exist in order to explain the perfection of our own universe.
  • Particles can pop in and out of existence in the vacuum of space.  This is the only stable theory that explains the big bang (creating something from nothing).  One popular hypothesis is that it “borrows” energy from a parallel dimension.  But it quickly has to repay its debt by popping back out of existence.
  • And finally, I learned that anything that falls into a black hole leaves an imprint on the event horizon.  A little data packet of information that can be used to reconstruct whatever it was that fell into the black hole.  Whether it be your wallet, with all your credit cards in it, or a hat.

Furthermore, there’s a few physicists that actually believe that’s all we are, data packets on an event horizon.  Packets of energy that’s been reconstructed as the walking talking holograms we are today.  Not just people, but planets, stars, time, space – everything is a hologram.  Our universe is nothing more than a hologram being projected from a place light can never reach.

The gravity we feel is a byproduct of the black hole.  The stuff that holds us all together.  Perhaps gravity is the repayment of borrowed energy?  A magnet from a different dimension?

My book idea is this; what if instead of there being a multiverse of floating universes that never meet, it’s more like a multiverse that works like a fire works show?  Once the “big rip” happens and the old universe is destroyed by dark energy, a new universe pops into existence by overlapping it?  Like when one firework starts to fade, another one explodes on top of it.

Nothing ever dies in this way, just fades away.

Scientists claim that time didn’t exist before the big bang.  This is because of spacetime.  Time and space are dependent on each other and if there was no space, there was no time.

But with my firework analogy, there was a time before time.  Nothing is separated.  Just lost in a different time.

Past, present and future all exist simultaneous at the same time.  This can be proven with the laws of physics and spacetime.  It just depends on your perspective.  And I watched a documentary explaining this, the same documentary that talks about the universe eventually being torn apart leaving no trace of space or time in it’s wake and I started thinking about the grandfather paradox.

How can there be an end to time?  If there is an end to time, how can time exist now?  When it doesn’t exist in the future?

Think about it this way…..

Let’s say the universe is about to end in 5 seconds.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1……what happens next?  The blankness?  The nothingness?  If this is true, than where are we?  If all time happens simultaneous depending on your perspective, how can time exist and not exist at the same time?  How can we be here and not here?

Because there is no end of time, only new fireworks.  Time has to be perpetual in order for us to exist.

And what about the big bang theory?  What if it never exploded?

When particles pop out of nothingness, they borrow their energy from someplace.  But they can’t stay in existence because they quickly need to repay the borrowed energy.

What if the big bang started off as a singularity so massively dense using borrowed energy, nothing escaping it’s gravity, that when it exploded – it swallowed itself back up forming an immense black hole?  And we are merely trapped on the surface as a hologram?  And once that energy has been repaid, the process starts all over again.  More fireworks.

It’s like we’re on the surface of a balloon.  Technically, there is no center point of a balloon, no center of the universe, no center of explosion since spacetime expands as the universe expands.  But what if we can somehow float under the membrane of the balloon, into it’s real center?  The origin, if you will.

That’s kinda my book idea, kinda sorta.  Someone who can pass through the membrane of the balloon and from their perspective, they’re able to see the past, present and future, and the deeper they fall into the hole, the older time gets.  They can see past universes.  It becomes such a blur that it leads into infinity.  Every possibility existing at the same time.

Anyway, it’s 2:37 in the morning and I need to be up at 8.  I really hope this doesn’t become a problem again.  Staying up late to blog.  I had it under control for the longest time.

 

 

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The Business Made Money in 2016

I’ve filed my taxes the honest way my whole life.  It was always a pleasure to do when I was expecting money back.

This was the first year I haven’t filed honestly.  I fudged it.  Oh yes, I fudged it.  I had no choice!

Last year, my business claimed over an $8,000 loss.  Why the hell can’t I carry that over into this year?  How am I supposed to make up for the loss?

It just doesn’t make sense.  I paid off my losses from last year, that’s why I have nothing to show for it this year.  How am I supposed to catch up?  If I were to actually pay on every dime I made this past year, how can I catch up from the loss I had last year?

Anyway, taxes are done.   Finally.  It was the most painful tax experience I’ve ever had in my life.  I need to set up a plan for next year, some kind of tax savings.  It sucks because I still owe a little over $13,000 in debt so I don’t want to save, I want to pay goddammit.  And save for a house!

It doesn’t feel like a burden has lifted.  Usually after filing my taxes, I feel wonderful.  Not this year.  This year, if I get audited, my only real defense is somehow rolling over that $8000 loss from last year and explaining why I deducted it from my earned income this year.

I also didn’t claim the $10,000 I made in cash.  I didn’t claim all the money Groupon gave me either.  In other words, I’m fucked.

It’s not fair and I refuse to play their stupid game.  This couldn’t have happened at a more worse time than now.  When I’m flooded in Groupon debt and employee’s get paid 3 times, not two, in March.

But I think I’ll be okay.  Honestly, it’s a new business that just opened last year and I haven’t claimed any losses like most new businesses.  I haven’t made any fraudulent deductions that can’t be proven with receipts.  I simply fudged how much I made, that’s all.

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I Just Want To Write This Real Quick…..

Okay, it’s the same day as my last post.  No, I have not started my taxes yet.

Instead of doing my taxes, I instant messaged people and texted people – all stuff that I had to do, not out of enjoyment but more like out of obligation.  Work related crap and helping friends out kind of stuff.

Then my parents came home from the casino and my mom brought me home half her sandwich that she didn’t finish and she wanted me to add minutes to her track phone.

While I was eating her sandwich, I started watching what I thought would be a stupid documentary.  It’s called “The Path Documentary Series Extra’s.”  It’s all the garbage that didn’t make it into the real documentary which I’ve never even heard of.

I started watching it because I thought I can do my taxes at the same time a stupid documentary was playing in the background.  I wouldn’t be tempted to pay attention to it.  It would act as background noise to help me concentrate.

Now it’s 10:30 Pm.  This documentary is astounding!  I just wanted to write about it super quick.  Not any details, just that everything these people say, agree’s with what I’ve experienced with ayahuasca.  It’s incredible!

And it’s scaring the crap out of me.  I won’t tell you why, I can’t write another 3,000 word blog post tonight.  But man oh man.  This shit is real.

I’m writing about it as a reminder to myself to watch the actual documentary when I have the time.

 

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