Category Archives: Writing

How Spider Solitaire is Like Writing

spider solitaire four suit

If you look above the Wins vs. Losses pie chart, you’ll see that my current winning streak is up to 18 wins in a row.  And this is four suit spider solitaire!  Okay, here’s a little secret; I only start a game if I can make two moves.  Otherwise, I deal again.

Spider solitaire is like book writing in the way of uncovering a new card (idea) and adding it to the original storyline (stack).

You know when you’re dealt a good hand if all the cards you uncover stack nicely against the storyline.  You’d know if your book sucks when every card (idea) you uncover has no place in the pile.  You get stuck.

Part of the glory of writing is being able to create the cards in your pile, however, if the cards you create don’t fit, you may have to cheat and add something that doesn’t belong.  Like when a long running sitcom adds a new character to spice things up.  Where the hell did that guy come from?  And what’s with the Beach Boys making random appearances on Full House?

The thing is (this is important to know), when you add something that doesn’t fit, you essentially create out of nothing.  That may be great for all you zen monks out there, but not so good for us writers.  Writers are essentially building a box.  We’re not thinking outside the box, but building one.

If the government prints money from nothing to pay off debt to right their wrongs, the money losses value.  That goes the same for creating a plot and storyline – you must never create out of nothing otherwise your book will lose value and substance.  You have to pull from what’s already there.

We should revert back to the gold standard.

Does that make sense to you?

From my experience with spider solitaire, the best hands are the one’s where I stack all the cards I can from the first hand I’ve been dealt and it free’s up a space where I can move around my pieces.   I still have 50 cards (idea’s) left to pull from, and the chances of finding homes for them becomes much easier.

How does this relate?  Start stacking from the very beginning.  Making connections, freeing up options so any idea that may come up, has a home and more importantly, a purpose.

I finished up writing my fifth chapter last night.  I stayed up until 2 a.m, completely exhausted.  That’s the thing with writing, once I start, I know I have to say bye-bye to the rest of the day.  And bye-bye to the possibility of getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

That’s why I’m writing a blog blurb right now.  It has an ending.  It won’t take all day to write.

Being five chapters into writing my first novel, means I have at least 30 if not more ahead of me.  It reminds me of trekking the Camino on those first few tortuous days.  When Santiago seemed so far away, so out of reach – and it was.  It was freaking 500 miles away on foot!

I’m not sure what is more painful, writing a book or walking the Camino.  They both seem unfathomable.

And so I’m blogging, watching Sons of Anarchy, and buying the Sons of Anarchy soundtrack on Amazon.

How does this make sense?:


I originally wanted to go hiking today and work on my book in Cheshire Coffee, but I need a rest.  I really do.  You guys don’t realize this, but I actually work a lot and I’m always working on some cockamamie project.  Writing a book is work, massaging people everyday is work, keeping a blog is, well, work.  This is my day off and I honestly don’t want to move.

This is one of the many reasons why I don’t want to date.  I’m selfish in the way of constantly needing to create and to think.  I need room.  I need that freed up space when playing spider solitaire.

That’s the best way I can describe it.

The guy I’m seeing, I’ll call him MB (which is strange because he has the same initials as my brother’s fiancé), I truly adore him.  But I can’t seem to pull myself aside from myself too long before I fold back into the fullness of my being.

It’s not that I’m not open or incapable of love, it’s just that my brain is exhausting – it truly is!  It demands so much attention.   And once I get everything out of me, I want nothing more than to eat a bowl of tomato soup and watch Netflix and play spider solitaire.

And on the days that I do go out, I drink like a fish, come home, and the next day I’m completely spent.  I don’t want to do anything, talk to anybody, see anyone.  I hole myself up in my room and watch tv.  And between you and me, MB likes beer as much as I do.  When I see him, I not only say bye-bye to the day, but to the next day as well.

As far as my solitaire hand goes, wow, what a deck.  I’m referring to my book.  Hole-lee-crap.  One of my friends asked if she can be written in and I tentatively said, “sure, okay.”

Then she made it more specific, she wanted to be a little girl.

“I know the perfect part for you!”

It seriously came out of nowhere and shot into my head in a fraction of a second.

That’s the thing with the cards you’re dealt – finding connections.  If you stack everything up and align them accordingly, you can make connections with anything.

And that’s the same for life!  All your experiences and knowledge is like a big data base in your brain.  The more you align yourself with them, ordering them in sequence, they connect to each other and any idea, thought or emotion that comes to you, you can connect it with what you already know.  I’m pretty sure this is where genius comes from.  Your ability to connect things to what would rather seem random or contradictory, is the tool we all use to create with.

Ayahuasca told me that 1+1 = 3, as in, 3D.  You create something entirely new and tangible.

One more episode of Sons of Anarchy and then I need to write chapter 6.  If I don’t write today, the day will feel empty.

I think too much :(

I need to stop blogging for a while guys…


Filed under random thoughts, Uncategorized, Writing

Delusions of Lazy

Polski: Świąteczne lenistwo...

Polski: Świąteczne lenistwo… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Oh no.  This isn’t good….

I’m embarking on a new pilgrimage.  Only this time, I’m heading down the lonely road to delusions of grandeur.

The more I write, research my book, and feel my faith welling up inside me, the grander I feel.  Grand and delusional.

I’m following my bliss.  Basically, it’s the opposite of being lazy.  And to be frank, it’s the opposite of being me.

But I’m not Frank.  Frank is my Dad.  I’m Melanie.  And I’m not a hard-working man like my dad.  I’m neither hard-working, nor a man.  I’m womanly (in the delicate sense).  And my dad made me a life of comfort.

Logically what I’m trying to say is that I’m not a man named Frank.  Read between the lines, it’s all there.

I believed for the longest time that following your bliss meant doing exactly what you want to do for that exact moment and repeating this action every minute of every day.  However, no.  That’s not the case at all.

I’m amicably lazy.  I have no qualms about it.  I loft, yawn, stretch my paws like a cat and circle my domicile, fluffing my nest like a puppy before coiling in its tender embrace.

Ah, bliss.

How is this bliss different from the other kind?  You want to know how?  I’m going to tell you anyway.

It’s not about being lazy, it’s about feeling defeated.

I like to analyze my actions, if you can’t tell.  I examine myself and my life consistently.  And although yes, you can enjoy a peaceful afternoon of video’s games and frolicking on the couch with a bowl of ice-cream without feeling guilt – you have every right to enjoy!  However, now this is where the analyzing comes into play, know why you’re being lazy.

If you’re being lazy simply to avoid something or someone – what that laziness really is, is fear.  You know it, I know it.  It’s fear.

“I’m completely happy and content.  I don’t need anything.  I’m fine just as I am.”

Really?  Come on now, what’s really happening here?  If you analyze as much as I do, you’re avoiding something.  And most often it’s something that can hurt you (it can be a subtle hurt, or big, what do I know?).  It can be something you care deeply about.  And that something is possibly your bliss.

The hardest thing to do is often the correct thing to do.  Trust me, it has taken me years to confirm this (thanks Law of Fives!)

Bliss is the way to evolving yourself.  Doing what makes you happy, even if it hurts, is your path to becoming the stronger you.

And now that I’m on it (by writing my book), I know the difference between defeatist laziness and true laziness.  I know it sounds crazy, but there IS a difference.

I had all day to write my book yesterday.  I stayed home after work purposely to write it.  But I kept telling myself that I was too lazy and that by indulging in my laziness, is also a way of following my bliss.

Nope, it wasn’t.  You know why?  Because it felt empty.  And that emptiness left a sticky film residue in my mouth.  Either that or my new organic toothpaste isn’t working as well as my beloved Crest.

I have to brush twice a day now :(

Today, I ruminated on my book.  I did online research for it and just by thinking about it and being productive, I felt my self-worth rise.

That’s where I am right now.

In my delusion, I have a following.  People set-up discussion groups from all around the world to discuss my philosophy that slowly manifests itself into religion.

I get invited (all expenses paid) to make guest appearances to these discussions.  I sit cross-legged atop a mountain of pillows fit for a sultan (with the little tassels on all  four corners) and dispense words of encouragement and love.

Did today leave an empty film residue in my mouth?  Heck no!  It’s more like the dusky remnants of garlic from this morning’s garlic infused packet of instant grits.

That’s all for today friends.

Fall fast and write free!

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Filed under humor, philosophy, random thoughts, Writing

Chapter Two. Boom. Done.

It’s happening.  My book.  My book is happening!

I painstakingly finished writing the first chapter yesterday and sent it to my friend Stephanie to read.  She loved it and wanted more.

What I want most from my imagination is to be able to write fast with my heart pumping.  Not being able to catch up to the idea’s in my head.

And for whatever reason, I know what this feels like.  It can only happen when writing fiction.  When the world you’re creating is so real, the characters and situations are felt, materialized, digested, the vision of this fictitious world is shown to you, not created, but shown.

How do I know what this feels like?  It’s imprinted in me.  Why?

Writing my first chapter was far from this.  However, writing my second chapter, I felt the vision rising.  And guess what?  It’s also about letting go!  Letting go and trusting.

It’s hard to explain.  It’s about letting go so the story can tell itself.  You’re reading the story just as much as an actual reader is.

It’s fun.  It’s actually freaking fun.

I have to go to sleep.  It’s already midnight.

I’ve decided that once I finish, I’m going to join a writers meet-up group so we can go over my writing together.  My Dad said that the best way to improve myself is by talking to someone who’s smarter than me.  That can’t be too hard, right?  I also want to draw illustrations for each chapter.  I might as well use all my talents while I’m at it.

My mind is putty tonight.  I don’t want to work tomorrow.

I didn’t fully let go tonight while writing, but I sensed its presence.  Unfortunately I’m far from letting go completely.  And my writing skills still suck.  Mumpy Slobbergobs drooled all over my keyboard tonight.


Filed under journal, Writing

Mumpy Slobbergobs tackles fluoride and hallucinations

I fell asleep last night listening to The Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy and heard my typical auditory hallucinations again.  Auditory hallucinations happen when you hear things that aren’t there.

I heard laughter after every funny sentiment in the book.  It grew louder the more my ears craned to hear it.

“Uh, that’s weird.  I never noticed laughter before.  Why would they insert audience laughter now?  In the middle of the book?”

An alien with a funny name made a joke and the laughter ensued.

“Oh, it’s just my hallucinations again.  Wow this is wild.”

Jokes that weren’t funny before (I listened to this book a few times), sounded funny because of the laughter.

“Ha, I never knew that was a joke, but I now totally get it.”

I wondered if I’d be able see my translucent arm again, but figured it wasn’t worth the effort and fell back to sleep.

Before bed last night, I vaped hard on my electronic cigarette.

Now this is going to sound nuts (as most things I write about do), but I googled “nicotine” and “pineal gland”, to see if there’s a connection.

I googled pineal gland because trippy psychedelic hallucinations are usually spurred by pineal activity.

What you seek, you shall find.

Send all your thanks to that absurd Law of Fives.  I never know what’s real anymore because of it.

According to the Law of Fives, err hem, I mean a website (forgot which one), nicotine helps to decalcify your pineal gland.  That’s one of the many reasons why native tribesmen smoked tobacco.  Because of its health and healing benefits.

I also learned that fluoride found in tap water is a major cause for this calcification.  It’s not only in drinking water, but fruits and veggies from fluoride laced pesticides.  And the type of fluoride used is nothing more than a toxic waste product found in steel manufacturing plants.

It’s illegal for them to dump it in our rivers, so they persuaded the government to use it in our water.

It calcifies our pineal glands, dumbs us down and lowers everyone’s sperm count.  It causes cancer, links to ADD (and maybe autism).

The fluoride hardens people teeth causing pits and lines to occur.  It hardens bones enough to make them brittle.  Americans have the highest rate of hip replacements and osteoarthritis.

Anyway, I went on Amazon and bought organic toothpaste.  Then I found organic aloe vera and had to buy it since Cleopatra used it everyday after her bath.  Then I bought some apple cider vinegar for its plethora of health benefits…

Yes, we all know I have problems.

Besides all that nonsense, my pineal is as soft and squishy as a babies ass (not to be confused with the rest of my ass brain).  My family always drank Poland Springs and because of my laziness, I only brush once a day.  And guess what?  No broken bones and no cavities for almost 34 years and counting.

The nazi’s used fluoride to make prisoners docile and more willing to walk into a gas chamber.  I mean come on now – it’s crazy stuff!

As far as my book goes, I wrote a little of the first chapter today and stunk up Cheshire coffee with the stench of dreadful amateur writing.

Is it wrote or written?  I suck.  Suck suck suck.

Writing is a craft.  I enjoy it immensely.  I enjoy it, but never bothered to hone it.  I whittle my thoughts to perfection, but not my writing.

I am so bad at writing.  Freakishly bad at writing.  If my writing was a person, she’d have a conjoined twin, mumps, a droopy eye, and a mouth that never closes so a steady stream of thick drool puddles on the front of her T-shirt.  She would be mean too and most likely smell of farts.  And she’d be a total slut – she has low self esteem the poor girl.

I will call my freakishly bad writing Mumpy Slobbergobs.

Oh the horror…..

I’m making her a mean slut so not to offend the people suffering with mumps, droopy eyes, conjoined twins and puddles of drool – sorry guys!  At least you’re not a mean slut, right?

Mumpy Slobbergobs is the reason for this blog post tonight.  I’m avoiding her.  I avoid writing by writing – wrap your head around that turd infested reasoning.

Well, at least I know I suck.  Right?  If I didn’t know, that’s when I should worry.

Oh Mumpy, why?  Put your underwear back on.


Filed under All about me, humor, journal, Writing

Writing My First Novel: Stage Two


Books (Photo credit: henry…)

I don’t want to bore you too much with these novel updates, but I will anyway!

I love the app called Circus Ponies Notebook.  I LOVE it.  It makes me feel organized and complete.

Today I listened to my first instructional audiobook on writing.  It’s call Rock Your Plot and it’s only 1 hour and 42 minutes long.

I sat listening to it while taking notes on Circus Ponies Notebook – I had both hands free, so why not?

I find it hilarious that I want to write a book, and yet would much rather listen to them than read them.

Each night before I go to sleep, I play an audiobook and within 7 minutes I’m out like trout.  Even when my mind is turned on full throttle.  As long as I focus and listen to the story, I fall peacefully to sleep.  This is great advice for anyone suffering from insomnia.

I completed my story outline today.  Full with plot twists, a few comedic scenes, the hitting rock bottom moment, and a resolution with another delightful twist.

It flowed without me having to think.  I wasn’t caught up on anything.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

My brain hurts.  I had to turn down the brightness of my screen.

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Filed under journal, Writing

Writing My First Novel: Stage One (skip these posts if you’re not interested in writing a book)


Writing (Photo credit: jjpacres)

I’m in the process of writing my first fiction novel.  It’s scary.  Thinking about it is scary.

Clarity, I must have clarity.

What I mean by clarity is that I have to remain in the present moment.  I can’t think about my past, my future, or how crumby it will be to stay home on a Saturday night.

I need focus.

No Netflix, no spider solitaire, no texting, no facebook, no YouTube unless to educate myself.  No mindless shopping on Amazon and the like.  No bars…

No addictive habits.

Removal of all that serves the purpose in comforting my pattern-seeking ego.  The need to be accepted, the need to be loved, the need to distract myself from feeling like I’m not accepted or loved.

When you start a project, it’s fed purely on faith.  By believing in yourself.  Because what you’re about to embark on is the opposite of finding ways to fill the void where your faith should be.

You fill it yourself.  Anything “in part”, doesn’t matter.

(If you don’t read my blog, you won’t understand that last part.)

You can’t achieve focus and clarity by succumbing to addictive habits.  You obtain clarity by living in the moment.  By living from your heart.  It’s achieved by knowing your purpose.  And BOOM, instant clarity.  All else falls away.

This is true at least, for purposeful writers.  The writers who write because they love it, because they need to.  Because they’d rather sit in Starbucks and write rather than outlet shopping on their day off.

It’s a form of meditation.  That’s what writing is.  I guess shopping can be too….

Okay, so here’s a list of my process / progress thus far with added notes to help you get started:

First:  I found my protagonist.

Think of someone you’d love to meet or be.  It’s okay to use yourself as the hero.

See this person in three dimensions.  The story won’t work if you fail to love this person.

Second:  I found my story.

I did this by talking to people.  Anything that I found funny, interesting or imaginative, I took note of.  It started off as a very small idea, but by jumping in and fantasizing, the story taken shape mostly on its own.

You MUST jump in!  Even if it’s done solely in your head and not on paper.  Visualization is just as powerful (if not more so), than writing it down.  And don’t worry about forgetting it.  If it’s a gold nugget, it won’t siphon through.  If you forget it, than forget it.

Third:  Tilling the soil.

What I mean by this is that in order for you to be a brilliant novelist, you must think like one.  You have to believe that you already are one.  This is a good time to jump on YouTube and watch novelists getting interviewed.

My advice is to go on YouTube and watch your favorite authors so you can learn what motivates them.

Read books that are similar to the one you want to write.  Don’t just read them, but listen to them.

I’m an avid listener of audiobooks.  I can hear the flow, the style and overall expression better when I hear it being told orally.  I’ve noticed that since I started listening to audiobooks, I have a better grasp at visualizing the environment of my future book.

Forth:  Turning my story into 3D.

I’m trying to learn what makes a good book good.  To me, it starts with environment.  Environment can include anything from style, language, characters, setting…I’ll just say that environment includes everything.  Every component in your book should illustrates its environment.  If it doesn’t, cut it out.

It makes the book whole, you know what I mean?  When everything fits, it’s called “environment”.  Sort of an ecosystem, if you will.

I made that up myself.  I’ll use Harry Potter as an example.  The environment in Harry Potter is so vividly felt, that it can be visualized in 3D.  Any angle you view it from, the elements are unchanged.  They are fixed in place.

This adds depth and reality to the environment.  Your imagination has something tangible to hold onto – something that can be explored independently without the help of its author.

What I mean by “environment”, is to say that you don’t just see the story being played out in your head, but you feel it.  You feel the atmosphere of the environment.

To feel something (if you read my past entires), is to experience it.  You can imagine yourself being there.

Feeling the environment of your novel before you begin writing it, is a must.  For me it is anyway.  If you can feel it, you grant it life.  A separate life from the one you’re living here.

Maybe that’s why people call their creations babies.  “That’s my baby right there.”  They created it, and yet it remains separate.

Fifth:  Think BIG

When I first decided to write a book, I wanted it to be small, nothing special.  This is because I lacked belief in myself.  Now I’m beginning to understand that the success of my novel is proportionate to my beliefs.

This stage is actually part of the third stage, tilling the soil.  But should remain a steady upstream course the more you discover your story and bring it to life.  Your story will propel you forward with feverish belief and stating things like, “Yes!  I CAN write!”

And once you really get rolling, “Holy shit that’s good!”

Again, it’s pulling faith from within, and listening to the environment of your story that you brought to life.  You listen to it, and it tells itself.  You experience it.

Sixth:  Taking my time and planning

I’m a visual thinker, and because of this, I need to see the big picture all at once (3D).  I feel that detail happens in the second draft.  Focusing on detail now, will only derail me from feeling (experiencing) the big picture.

(I learned this by drawing.)

My first draft will focus on bringing the environment to life.

Environment is the heart, characters are the body, and story is a tool created from environment that defines the characters.

Maybe if you loop this together, it will make a figure 8?

Story is not the purpose, but the hero’s journey is.  What happens to the characters internally, reflects what happens in the story.  Always put your focus into the characters and the environment.  The story will tell itself.

Describe the characters by not describing them.  Let their individual reactions / interaction with the environment describe them (another reason why it’s so important).  Let the environment chisel their form, don’t do it manually.  Doing anything manually is lazy and without meaning.

“Yeah I know they’re happy, but why are they happy?”

In doing so, you will create yet another environment, a micro environment that revolves around each character – you feel them.  You can understand them.

Have I lost you yet?

Seventh:  Tools

You can write longhand, shorthand or with an old rusty typewriter, it don’t matter as long as you’re driven and have faith.  However for me, I grown to adopt the idea that your work is only as good as your tools.

First comes the idea, than the tools to create it.  But if you’re lucky, first comes the tools and then inspiration for an idea.

If you have the right tool for the job, the job will be easier if not better.

I spent the whole of my day learning about which tools to use.

I settled on Scrivener for my linear draft work, and Circus Ponies Notebook for creating my 3D environment.  These are only tools, not talent.

Yesterday I used Pages to write notes, idea’s, inspiration, and research material – it was a scattered mess.  Now I feel a little more at ease, you know?  More organized.

Okay so anyway, that’s where I am right now.

It’s not easy.  None of this is easy and my belief is shaky.  Tomorrow I’ll tackle the environment of my novel – once I get that down, hopefully I won’t be so shaky.


Filed under journal, Writing

Purposeful Writing

Whenever I go back to read old posts, I can easily spot the shitty ones.  Let’s be honest here, they’re everywhere and still pop up even to this day.

The shitty posts have no purpose.  Or, they started out purposeful, but ended in a garbled sludge of words.

I can spot these posts because I recognize when I’m not writing from my heart and only focusing on the end results.

While writing these posts, I became fixated on getting the reader to know who I am and how I think.  To accept and approve of me.

I did this by describing myself.  I did this by describing what I deem to be acceptable in myself, in others, and life in general.  I describe, latch on, and siphon any acceptance or approval that you, the reader, bestow on me.

Ask yourself;  “Am I really speaking from the heart?  Or am I only doing it to get a reaction?

Never describe yourself when you write.  It’s boring and narcissistic.  It keeps you on the super-ego fringe by focusing on people’s acceptance and understanding of you.  It makes you sound needy and superficial.  You are being needy and superficial when you feel it necessary to inform others on who you are.

If you write well, this will all be shown naturally.  It’s an add-on bonus, not the purpose.  Never focus on the end results.  Focus on the reason – focus on your intensions.

And they shouldn’t be to gain acceptance or approval.

Listen to it like listening to music.  We don’t listen to music so we can hear the end result, we listen to it with our hearts.  We listen to it in the moment.

The best way to learn who you are is by writing something for others to read.  That way you can see just how boring you really are.

Whatever is placed on the superficial fringe of ego, will inevitably be boring.  It’s not real, it doesn’t matter, and in doing so makes you sound completely unaware of yourself.

It’s not living in the moment, you know what I mean?  It’s creating an atmosphere that’s centered around yourself.

It’s like going on a date with a guy who talks incessantly about himself.  Or listening to a friend ramble on and on about frivolities that don’t matter.  And if their head was screwed on properly – should not matter to them either!

“Yes I know you don’t like that, yes I know you don’t approve of that, yes that’s a nice purse, yes the service is slow….”

When you describe things that you find acceptable or unacceptable, you are in essence, describing yourself.  You’re filling the void where your faith should be.  You don’t trust that you are enough and so you need others to fill you and tell you that yes, you are enough, yes your shoe’s are cute, yes I approve and accept you.  No, your earlobes are not too dangly.

It’s not in the moment, it’s not real.  It’s all fake and planned with subconscious intensions for gaining approval.  These people keep taking and taking.  It will never be enough.

“Yes I know you’re sad, I can see you’re doing your best, I know money is tight and see that you’re trying to make things work….”

The validation record plays on a loop.  Answers are never heard.  YOU are the problem and because the problem is you, only you can fix it.

Writing with purpose happens in the moment.  When what’s in your heart is in exact communion with what you write.  When your intensions aren’t to gain acceptance, praise or approval.  Or to showcase your talents, intelligence and astounding vernacular.

You don’t need any of that because you already have all the faith you need.  You know and accept who you are.  And when this is done correctly, leads to power and inspiration.  You start giving, rather than taking.

Living from the heart is always about giving.  You give to others by sharing your bottomless well of faith.  You give to others by being strong for them.  By accepting them without judgement.  You give by being kind, not nice.

Speak rightly when you write.  Speak rightly when you talk.  If you do this, no matter what you say, will always sound astounding and interesting.  I promise.

Now if only I can heed my own advice…


Filed under philosophy, Uncategorized, Writing

Thoughts About My Upcoming Book (and another enlightened tangent)

I just met the lead character of the book I want to write, and guess who it is?  Me!

Okay, so she’s not me entirely, but very close.

In order for the book to be epic, the lead character has to embody everything that I’m trying to teach in my blog.  She has to embody everything that I, myself, want to be.

I want to be inspired by my own character.  If I can be inspired by her, then maybe the world will be too.

I want it to be a story led by character, not a character led by story.

So, I know my lead character.  I know I want my book to be a comedy.  Ayahuasca has to be involved somewhere in the novel, I mean, how can it not?  The stuff changed my life!

I have yet to find my story, but my character is as fresh and tangible as a dewy fig plucked from the highest sun-laden branch atop Buddha’s bodhi tree.

I want to go back to that place I was a few weeks ago, laying in bed looking at my translucent arm.  Instead of hearing beautiful music, maybe I can hear my story being told?  It’s already out there somewhere, I only have to find it.  It’s like looking for my Rosebud.  That which is pure, innocent, true and perfect.  Where are you Rosebud?

At this point in my creative endeavor, I have to read A LOT.  I have to watch lots of movie’s and tv.  I have to learn what it is exactly, that I love.  What is my favorite kind of story?  I already know my favorite kind of character (aka, me), now what about story?

Mystical fairy tale types are my favorite.  But I also want it to be in a real world setting.

Man, I almost want to throw in the towel and write about the time I was left alone on a mountain top in Nepal and then finding myself in front of a shaman drinking ayahuasca.  Looking back on it all, I can totally see the humor in it.  Everything is funny!

When you’re able to see humor in everything, you’re that much closer to awakening.  The things that are profoundly true, can also be profoundly funny.  It’s all in the profundity.  Seeing truth where others can’t.  There are copious amounts of humor in suffering.  Just the ridiculousness of it, is enough to make you laugh.  Suffering and compassion combined can create cornucopias of laughter.

Suffering, compassion, and not taking anything seriously.

It’s all but a journey.  A dream within a dream.

That’s the theme I want to have through-out my book.  No matter what situations you find yourself in, if you stay attuned to your true self, nothing can effect you – the outside world can’t begrudge your brilliant heart.

If you can experience all that my lead character endures, and get a glimpse of how she perceives reality, than maybe, just maybe, your perceptions will shift as well.

Another way to describe a shift in perception is to be inspired.

The trick is, how do you shift your perceptions into creating your ultimate self?  What beliefs must change?

It’s a real conundrum because as of now and always, you already are your ultimate self.  There’s just too many doubts, confusion, heartaches and grief blocking your view from seeing it.

You lack belief in yourself, that’s all it is really.  You lack ability at seeing truth because you attach yourself to the things you fear.  And your fear manifests itself as doubt, confusion and pain.  Your fear holds your strings.

What people fail to realize is (drum roll please)…

Nothing matters.  The outside world does NOT matter!

The more you realize this, the more belief you will gain in yourself.  You are what’s stable, not anyone else – YOU.  It’s always been you.

When you have trust and faith in yourself, you are then placed in a fixed, stable position of unwavering acceptance of the world and its circumstances.  You accept these circumstances because they have nothing to do with you – you are not attached to them.  You don’t fear them.  You accept without complaint.

(Be like water…)

There are bible passages that preach this type of zen.  Particularly,  1 Corinthians 13.

8: Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

9: For we know in part and we prophesy in part.

10: But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

What I gather from this passage is that that which is “in part”, lacks truth.  Lacks love.

Prophesies (assumptions & beliefs) are the stories we tell ourselves in the thinking brain, they’re not real.  What people say with their tongues, does not matter.  Anything that is “in part” does NOT matter.

Only love matters.  And love can only be felt from within.  It is that which is perfect.

Nothing outside yourself matters!  You are, in essence, the only truth.  Because nothing but man and nature can embody love.  And love can only be found and experienced from within.  If someone loves you, you experience it from within.  You allow it in.  It becomes your love because you’re the one that feels it.

If you attach yourself to the person providing the love (because you fear you can’t live without it), that love may vanish away because the only real love is from within, not taken from anyone else, only experienced.  Your accumulated experiences have no substance, they don’t matter.  The stuff obtained outside your self, doesn’t matter.  They are only tools to help chip away all that is unnecessary.

The only thing that matters is your love and acceptance.  The here and the now.  It’s the pure untainted Rosebud of your youth.  Pure joy that’s unattached to anything but being in the self.

That is all very hard to understand, I know.  Bible passages are hard to decipher because of their complexity in bringing to light the things that can’t be taught with words.

But if you can feel it – to not be influenced by the negativity or fear in the world (or of your own demons) – to be and go into your self….Even just a glimpse of feeling the true weight of your own heart – the heaviness and power it holds…you can physically feel it in your chest!  You’re body will literally heat up while experiencing it.

You are the key, the answer, the true love.  Even if you felt it for even a nano-second, you know I’m right, the bible is right.  The question is, do you have the strength and courage to trust it?  Or must you attach yourself to the world out of fear?

Remember my KISS ASS formula?  Keep It Simple Stupid Ass.  It’s about taking away, not adding to.  And the more you take away, the more you gain.

We are all fundamentally equal.  All possessing equal value to each other.  But the person who believes in themselves, well, they may not be fundamentally “better”, but they do have more to give to the world.  You can be the “better” person by knowing what you’re not (taking away, always taking away).

And the only thing that matters is love.  Love is permanent.  Trust it.

Remember what I wrote in my last post, The Law of Fives?  I was attached to my friends reaction on whether or not I could volunteer at her church.  I was attached to it with fear.  Instead of accepting her reaction, I fought it with devastation and fear.  But ultimately her reaction DOES NOT MATTER!  This is the path to becoming the stronger you, the stronger me.  By showing her my devastation and fear, I was only impounding my attachment to her reaction.

Knowing that nothing matters, only love, doesn’t put you in a place of non-caring about anyone or anything – it places you higher than the level of hurt, that’s all.  You can still care, but not get hurt.  I know it sounds hard to do, but it IS possible once you’re in the perfect awareness of love, of God.  Once you understand, it’s effortless.  More effort is involved in fighting something than there is in accepting it.

However, you should ALWAYS fight for your equality and freedom.  Not out of despair or anguish, but with truth and belief in yourself – lift the veil over the shrouded masses.  Do it with love, not hate or vengeance.  Live by example.  It’s about showing people truth, not teaching them a lesson.  Don’t attached yourself to the situation.  Play it as a puzzle missing it’s pieces, because you know what?  Ultimately it’s all just a game.

Ayahuasca made it very clear that everything in this world is a game.  Choose your games wisely.

(That was my enlightened tangent for this evening.)

But anyways, how the hell do I turn all this into a book?

In my next post I want to write about how to live from your heart.  I want to make it into a simple formula.  A quick post with the precision of the cracking of a whip.  But even still, there’s no substance in the cracking of a whip…

It seems that a lot of what I write is cool stuff, sure, but it doesn’t stick to the ribs.  Even I, the author, can’t remember off the top of my head what I wrote in The Secret Deciphered: Part Two.  It’s all just a bunch of words.  It’s not anything tangible that can be applied like salve over your everyday waking life.  There’s no substance when there’s no story, you know what I mean?

For me, inspiration sticks while watching others living by example.  It’s the ultimate perception shift.  People can’t be told these things, they have to witness it.

Whatever I write hence forth will be used as fodder for my book.  By writing how exactly, do people live from the heart, I will inspire myself to write a story told from the heart.

I will learn what it takes to make things stick.

I started this post intending to write an utmost of 300 words about the protagonist of my story, but all this other stuff came out with it.

And now it’s 2 a.m…..


Filed under philosophy, Self help, Writing

About My Next Post….

I have in my draft folder a very long post that I was intending to turn into an Ebook, but I don’t see that happening.  I’m still going to write my book, don’t get me wrong, only I want to make it grand and epic, that’s all.  Turning a post into an Ebook just because it’s long, is not the way to go.  It’s not being mindful.  It’s being lazy.

I want to add a storyline, something readers can relate to.  I want people to experience my insights by feeling them, not just on an intellectual level, but in the heart.  This can only be done through story.

Indians telling tales around a fire, the stories told in the bible, and the stories of Greek God legends are all there to help us feel the lesson.

This route is a lot more difficult than my normal outpourings.  I have to be creative on a new level.  It’s scary and I have no idea where to begin.  I need to trust, that’s all.  Have intent in my heart, and write hard and fall fast.

Editing it all makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

So, my next post will be a whopper.  McDonalds has taken the liberty of super-sizing it.

If only I was able to keep my postings short and sweet, more people would read them.  I know this, you know this, we all know it.  But there’s always so much to say….

This post is short :)

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Filed under Uncategorized, Writing

My Mind is Open… appointment only

I’m going through a very strange crisis.

I’m out of my mind – it’s a dank cluttered up mess in there, so I had to get out.  A couple of birds flew the coop with me and are now flying around my head one by one trying to steal my sanity.  No wait, they’re not birds – they’re penguins!  Crazy eyed penguins trying to steal my sanity.

Scoot, scam, getoutta here penguins!

And so I come to you blog, my friend.  You’ll listen to me, right?  The only two things in life I can count on are my fingers and my blog, and okay, sometimes my toes.  I can’t leave out those gangly pigs.

I don’t know what’s going on with me.  I can’t separate myself away from my crisis.  I am the crisis.  People don’t know they’re crazy because they are their illness.  The thought of that doesn’t comfort me like it should.

I started writing The Secret Deciphered: Part Two five days ago and haven’t been able to stop.  I can’t stop writing it and it’s getting out of hand.  Every time I think it’s finished, I go back to do a final scan and end up writing more and more….and more.

And more.

For five days straight now, I stayed up until 5 a.m doing this.

“Okay, it’s done.  Finished.  Do you hear me you big fat 3,000 word blog post?  Well, do ya?”

Blog – “……”

“Don’t just stare at me blinking you damn lily-livered logging lover curser you, why I outta…..”

Blog – “……..”

“Wait a tick, what is this?  What the shit am I talking about here?  Nobody’s going to understand a word of it.  No, I can’t have that in my blog.  Curser!  Where are you…There you are. Delete that paragraph for me ASAP.”

The curser complies.

I end up deleting entire paragraphs, only to replace them with three or more – sometimes ten more.  Granted, my ADD writing style keeps those paragraphs short, but still.  This post is driving me mad – MAD I say!  I don’t even want to look at it.  I’m dreading going over there – dreading!

I’m so tired and weary.  I just want to sleep tonight.  I miss sleep.  I feel empty inside when I don’t sleep.  Like I’m a faint shadow of a zombie trolling about, looking for brains.  Where are my brains?!  I don’t know mister zombie sir, I’m just your shadow.


I’m hungry.

On my drive to work today, I started mulling over the possibility of transforming The Secret Deciphered: Part Two into an Ebook.  Everyone’s doing it these days, so why not?

It will be a small whisper of a book, barely an idea.  It’s just another post – a long freaking whopper of a post, but in Ebook style.  I mean, that’s the only way people will read it, right?  Who wants to read 3,000 word blog posts?

Writing a book is a lot more romantic than just plain old blogging.  It would be the next step in my “writing career.”

It’s ironic that this particular post is the one I want published.  It’s all about setting limitations for yourself and avoidance of doing scary things, or things that take “too much work.”

I think it’s a real gem, honestly.  But at the same time, it’s so far out there.  I mean, I really went deep with this one.  And there’s still so much I want to put into it.  It’s like I contracted cholera, shit pours out.

When I blog, yes, shit pours out, but I feel the need to keep my entries short.  I feel like I’m going to lose my marbles when I write long posts.  But a book on the other hand, now we’re talking my style.  I’m allowed to go into more detail, more stories, more everything!  I am completely free of restraint.

I don’t care about the money part.  Let’s be reasonable here, it’s highly unlikely I’ll make a dime off it.  Especially when I’m planning to sell it for 99 cents.


Filed under humor, journal, rant, Writing